Why I love the Kardashians and why you should respect them

Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom Renew Their Wedding Vows on Their 1st Anniversary-Party I am sick of celebrities, random twitter and my dad saying that the Kardashians are stupid. Or bullshit. Or talentless. Or whores. Just stop it already. I am floored that people like Katie Couric, who are ALSO intelligent entertainment and business talents, don’t realize why the Kardashians are famous. Really?! REALLY. Have you ever seen their show, Ms. Couric? Do you not realize how opportunity mixed with insanely smart marketing, naturally entertaining personalities and EIGHT SEASONS of a successful reality show made this family famous and a household name? REALLY?!

alg-kardashian-sisters-jpg You know what, Katie Couric and everyone else who hates the Kardashians? They are awesome. I have seen every episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians and their spinoffs, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami and Kourtney and Kim Take New York and I (along with my kool friends) have loved every minute of the rich, beautiful and super dysfunctional family drama. It’s like a modernized version of a soap opera where the characters live on forever on screen and in the pages of our real life magazines. Talk about some meta as fuck, never-ending performance art.

And really, you don’t have to like them. That’s not what I’m writing about. But can we put an end to the tired “Why are they famous?” question? This is why they’re famous and super awesome:

  1. Kim Kardashian made a sex tape. And? A) quit shaming women for having sex and seeking kinky pleasure. We R ppl with sex parts 2. It’s boring, rude and misogynistic.  Get. Over. This. One moment in time defines no one. B) who cares, this country is obsessed with sex anyways, so why not take advantage of a leaked/distributed sex tape to launch your career? Opportunity people. Take an unfortunate thing and turn it into a fortunate thing. This is like, success 101. C) If you haven’t taken naked selfies I feel bad for you son / you got 99 problems and naked pics is one. 

    The-Kardashian-Sisters-the-kardashians-11869128-729-1000
    dat biz
  2. They are business women.  Long before the sex tape release, the Kardashians ran a small business-and still do. Their chic fashion boutiques called D-A-S-H first opened in Calabasas, CA in 2006. The stores are owned and operated by Kourtney, Khloe and Kim. They now have stores in Miami and New York City. D-A-S-H is also the underlying story line of the first couple of season of KUWTK and the main reason for the spinoff season in Miami and New York. It’s cool to see young women in their 20s owning and operating their own store. Dare I say it’s inspirational for young girls to see a group of young, hip, beautiful women successfully running a small business?
  3. Their family is dysfunctional as fuck, blended and beautiful.
    When Brody confronted Kris about her materialistic lifestyle and why he wasn't included as much in their family as a child.
    When Brody confronted Kris about her materialistic lifestyle and why he wasn’t included as much in their family as a child.

     Really, what family isn’t dysfunctional? There’s like a billion kids in the Kardashian/Jenner family due to marriage, divorce, marriage, children, half siblings, step kids, etc. This probably looks waaaay more like the modern American family more so than parents who have been married since high school and have 2.5 kids. The show doesn’t shy away from the more awkward moments of family dynamics, like when Khloe’s biological father mystery was brought into question, or when Bruce’s sons from his second marriage (Brody and Brandon) began to vocalize why they felt they were never included much in the Jenner/Kardashian family growing up. Sometimes it’s hard to watch, but it’s relatable as all hell to a lot of different people who grew up in blended families.

  4. They have really great vagina moments. Like when Khloe burns her vagina on wax and has Kourtney put mayonnaise on it for her because mayo soothes AND shines the good ol’ vag. When Kourtney delivered her own baby and they filmed it (if that isn’t punk rock as shit I don’t know what is). When they had a vagina smell-off in London to see if eating pineapple really makes it smell sweeter. Hilarity. Vaginas vaginas vaginas.
  5. They provide a different kind of reality programming.
    that shit CRAY
    that shit CRAY

     Think about the other reality programs that are on TV. I don’t want to demean the other shows because they are super entertaining too. But come on, Real Housewives? Heyo plastic surgery, rampant materialism, alcoholism, dated gender roles, horrible role models for how any woman or man should act. Bridalplasty? Bridezilla? All women are SO crazy on their wedding day! All they care about is the perfect wedding! PUKE. Pretty Wild? Anything Paris Hilton was in? Every girl is a wild party girl who doesn’t know anything about anything! I think the Kardashians are the most positive role models for young women on reality television, given the competition. They run multiple businesses, have difficult personal relationships that they constantly work on (just like us!), are honest about feeling inadequate/fat/ugly, get cosmetic shit done and show it on television because lookin’ good takes WORK (vampire facelift, cellulite removal), support each other, get in fights with their siblings and later apologize, show a strong work ethic, take care of themselves, spend time with family, etc.

  6. THEY ARE ENTERTAINING. Khloe is absolutely hilarious, it’s fun to watch the whole family make fun of Kim and Kris, and Rob embodies every moment of self doubt, worthlessness and self fat-shaming you’ve ever had in your life.  Despite the fame and wealth, these people are fucking relatable.

The Kardashians are entertaining. They have a crazy family dynamic. They are a successful bunch of strong, business-minded women who totally outshine all of the men in the show (sorry dudes but it’s true). I’m not asking anyone to like them, but you can at least give credit where credit is due. *Drops Kardashian Kollection mic*

U LUV THEM
U LUV THEM

Ryan Lochte: America’s Next Top Famewhore

Image via fillinn.com

Ahh. The fresh, new yearnings of a baby famewhore! Their diapers are full of lost dignity and sentence structure, and their tummys are gassy with commercial deals that will make them millions and probably involve child slavery in Asia. It always does.

He’s already acting, and it’s proving to be quite the feat for the Olympic Gold medal winner. This guy has left absolutely no time in between his Olympic dreams and publicity schemes. A True American Hero. Hey, that would make a great reality show name for the deal he is currently seeking. Olympic Dreams to Hollywood Schemes. I demand royalties!

His first acting spot is on the this show is still on? pristine and delicate piece of television history, also known as the 90210 reboot. This is what he had to say about diving head first (heh) into acting:

“Memorizing lines, and trying to like, say them and still like, do movement and all that. That was hard.”

Truly inspiring, Ryan. I can’t wait until he starts to get really engrained in celebrity life. I hope he starts a blog called “Jeah Boi: Ryan Lochte’s Truly-Amazing-Can’t-Get-Enough-Baller-on-Baller-Status Adventures in H-Wood HOLLA MUNEY.” However, he’s got a long way to go. If he truly wants to stay on top, he’s gotta release a sex tape, get a public fake marriage, make foreign children sew together a shitty fashion line for Sears and then start fucking Kanye West. I have faith. A new star has been born.

O Rly? Newt Gingrich is outta the race for the GOP

Image via businessinsider.com

Farewell, Newt! He’s officially out of the race to be our dear leader.

He liked the moon and hated everyone else. But to be honest, the moon shit woulda been awesome. But there are real problems earthbound my friend, that we must attend to first. Like energy, food and what to do with the Kardashians.

May you find solace in reruns of Parks and Recreation and takeout from Noodles & Company, like the rest of us.

Reality TV: Where mental illness, alcoholism and obesity are IN

Image via mylot.com

For realz. Reality TV is one of those genres that you really have know idea what kind of “creative” forces are working behind it, and this bugs me. Normal TV has writers, actors, directors, a story board, producers, etc. But reality TV is a little trickier. It’s supposed to lean a little to the documentary side of things, but that shit hit the fan after they realized alcoholics with rage issues who like to dance make reeeeeeeally good TV.

My Strange Addiction is nearly every first world problem you could ever dream of. Image via tlc.howstuffworks.com

My main problem with scripted reality shows are that they are fucking lazy. Seriously, were the big wigs over at studio xyz just super cheap fucks who didn’t want to pay for writers, directors or talented actors anymore? It’s gotta be suuuuper cheap to produce a reality show. You barely have to pay the “talent”, probably because they’re busy defecating on all the rented furniture. That shit adds up.

And forget writers! The producers probably get blasted on coke vodka redbulls and sloppily piece together ridiculous story lines, such as, “peeing on dancefloors“, “mental illness mambo” and my fave “alcoholicism is fun and not at all a serious problem!”

Image via locatetv.com

From watching hours upon hours of the Kardashians on Netflix (embarrassing, but whatevs) it is SO obvious that barely anything is spontaneous. The storylines just fit a little too perfectly, and everyone always seems to have a smirk on their painted on mugs that all but reveals “yeah, this is all bullshit. But you’d probably let Ray-J pee on you too if you had  my paycheck, filthy commoner.”

Is reality TV like meth?

In terms of reality shows, I’ve gotta say those dating shows like The Bachelor, Temptation Island (T.I. is sick as fuck) and whatever the fuck Tila Tequila has been in are pretty much the rockiest rock of all bottoms. Way more rock bottom than say, My Strange AddictionI’d gladly hang out with anyone who ate cigarette ashes and had a sexual relationship with their car over anyone who has ever been on a reality dating show. (The “Where Are They Now?” section of the MSA website is fucking platinum speckled GOLD. “Did therapy and help from friends convince Mary to stop eating cat treats and change her ways?” )

I’ve seen better turds in my toilet after a night of drinking than any Bachelor. Fuck, I could find better men on public transit. And if you’ve ever been on public transit, you know that’s a bold statement.

Also, the weightloss shows make me sad.

Yep folks, it seems as if the big, bad corporations have got this reality TV smut down to a T. Put alcoholism, mental illness and obesity on TV and you’ll be richer than all the Kardashians combined in like 5 minutes. I’ve got it! OCD Happy Hour Confessions: I Ate My Family. TLC is picking it up as I type.

On the fence: Ryan Seacrest

Image via faces3.com

It seems as though we’ve grown up with Ryan Seacrest. He’s been on our television screens since the first days of competitive televisión singing with his hosting gig on American Idol. Then he took a foray into radio with his own radio show (that is currently broadcasted throughout the US and Canada), and now he’s a producer for many shows on E! Our little Seacrest certainly has his teeny self into what seems like every hosting and television production on TV. Let’s examine Seacrest, and see how he fares on the fence.

Ahh, those were the days. Anyone remember “From Justin to Kelly”? hahaha. I miss our good economy. Image via nj.com

The Evidence

He started out hosting American Idol in 2002 with a guy named Brian Dunkleman. However, after the first season, Dunkleman quit due to the alleged terrible treatment of the hopeful contestants. He also said that the producers of American Idol would give the judges glycerin tears to make them look sympathetic and moved. However, Ryan stuck it out and made millions from doing what they do in show biz. Sorry Dunkleman, morals don’t exist in Hollywood. Didn’t you know that?! +3

“Seacrest out.” I hate it, but I love it. 0

He “feuded” with Simon a lot on American Idol, and maybe still does, but I haven’t seen that show since Jennifer Hudson got kicked off. Anyways, it was entertaining to see a short blonde, bleached-tooth host of a guy get in nit-picky fights with a saucy brit. The guy knows how to entertain. +2

He always compliments his girlfriend Julianne Hough when she’s on the red carpet and he’s interviewing celebs. Awwwww. +1

They are perfectly sized for each other. Image via dailymail.co.uk

Seacrest fucking WORKS. Network producer. Host of seriously anything that’s happening in Hollywood. American Idol. E!. Radio show producer and host (he took over for Casey Kasem for the top 40 countdown as well as Rick Dees). Produces lots of reality shows on E! like the Kardashians. I respect anyone working 5+ jobs. Holy shit, this guy is a media megastar. +5

He always keeps the conversation flowing with any celebrity he’s speaking with. Even if they are super boring, nervous or fucked up on drugs, he knows what to do. He even took getting ashed on by Sacha Baron Cohen like a champ, and will use the media coverage of it for promotional needs. +1

He’s so obsessed with clean teeth and fresh breath, that he paired up with Crest and Scope to help children with mouth deformities. What a specific charity! And a nice guy. +5

He parodied himself in Knocked Up. Good for him. A sense of humor is always a good thing. +3 

This explains everything. You’re gonna be a star, kid. You just wait. Image via usmagazine.com

Seacrest will know what dress you’re wearing before you walk up to him on the red carpet. He knows everything. A straight guy into fashion? Yes please. +2

The Score

22

Ok, I fucking love Ryan Seacrest and I’m not on the fence about him at all. Which I feel weird about, because I don’t know anyone who thinks anything about Ryan Seacrest. But I can’t find anything wrong with him.  But really. He’s such a moot point, but he’s everywhere you look. I also think he gets looked over for cuteness because he’s short (Shortys need luv 2) and he’s Ryan Seacrest. You know?

He’s managed to be involved in so many gigantic projects in television, he has the most amazing jobs in media and is always a professional. In this day and age a guy with a job, let alone 5 that pay him millions upon millions, is something to look up to. Good goin, Seacrest. I’m not embarrassed that I think you’re fantastic. I think.

Politik: 5 people I’d prefer over the Republican candidate nominees

So presidential. Photo via your-hairstyler.com

Khloe Kardashian 

Lamar Odom would be the sensitive, basketball-playing first man and Khloe’s soundbites would be absolutely hilarious. “China, honey, get it together.”

Probable political stances

  • Pro-photo shoot for everyday events including going to the mall, eating a taco and surfing the web
  • Reality shows for everyone!
  • More money for the arts and sports
  • Kim has to live in Guam. Forever.
Kristen Bell
Kristen Bell would be the awesomest president EVER.
She can sense when a sloth is near. Perfect candidate. Image via thefw.com

Probable political stances

  • Sloths everywhere
  • Hunger Games Day is celebrated every year
  • No more wars
  • Mandatory hugs at 4:00 pm and am every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday
  • The Veronica Mars movie will finally be made
Ice and Coco, America’s first presidential couple. Image via celebritywonder.ugo.com

 Ice and Coco

Coco and Ice-T would be the PERFECT pair for the presidency. Ice would be the harder, tough love business side of politics, and Coco would have the tender heart and ass-pics to keep us all entertained.
Probable political stances
  • Law and Order SVU syndicate profits go to underdeveloped areas and at-risk kids in the US
  •  Coco teaches us all how to be sweeter and sexier
  • Strong, monogamous relationships are encouraged and warrant tax breaks
  • Licious online discounts for everyone
Anyone from Downton Abbey 
Can you imagine the drama they would have in the White House?! The Dowager Countess’ soundbites would totally be better than Khloe’s, Mary would sleep with and then kill all foreign adversaries, and Isobel would definitely give us all universal healthcare.
Probable political stances

Yesyesyesyes. Image via fanpop.com
  • Tea time
  • Anyone can marry their cousin if an inheritance is tied up with gender
  • Everyone must dress for dinner
  • Donald Trump and his new money cronies would be sent to Azkaban

Meat Cat from 30 Rock

Probable political stances

  • Cheesy blasters for school lunches
  • Sunglasses and skateboards required to be in public
  • Pants are “immoral”
  • Cats deemed higher class citizens

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