Christina Aguilera starring in: Another Bad Performance

This. Is. HORRIFYING. Christina Aguilera performed a medley of songs off her latest disappointing album at the AMAs last night and holy shit. This is not a comeback. This is an embarrassing attempt to be relevant.

I was willing to take her new album Lotus in my arms in the small chance that it was going to be like Stripped, or even Back to Basics. But good god, could it be any more apparent that she got the floor scraps from Rihanna, Britney and Ke$ha’s producers?

First of all, the first single off of Lotus (which got horrible reviews btw) is titled “Your Body”. Over the past couple of years, her appearance has shocked pretty much everyone and has been a huge topic whenever Xtina is brought into the conversation. So without listening to the song, you’d think it’d be some kind of body empowerment which is a pretty socially relevant topic. Maybe something a la “Born This Way” by Miz GaGa. But no. It’s about literally fucking bodies. The uncensored version sounds like she really wants to fuck dead bodies. Necrophilia ain’t cool unless there’s a teen novel that idolizes it. Did nobody tell her this? Is she really that hard to work with? Is she really that out of touch? (yes, yes she is.)

Boring. Image via billboard.com

The thing is, Christina is SO out of touch with what’s cool or even relevant, that she can’t even pull of a decent performance. Her AMAs performance is a shitty rip off of not only herself circa her “Beautiful” empowerment era, but a not-even-trying-to-hide-it rip off of Lady Gaga’s last album. Instead of empowering others, Lotus is more of a self-righteous, self-indulgent outcry of “I’m talented, I’M CHRISTINA AGUILERA, the never-as-famous-or-interesting-as-Britney, ipso facto, WORSHIP ME HEATHENS. And buy my shithole album, wink!”

I can’t wait until people stop reveling in her decade ago relevancy/talent and make her actually work for her name. Because for real, that performance wasn’t SHIT. It’s even more disappointing because everyone knows she could do better because of the voice. I mean, it’s cool to have a good voice, but Jesus CHRIST. Find some style. Have a relevant stage show. Look healthy. Do something besides remind us how talented you used to be, and how embarrassing you are now.

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Music: Taylor Swift’s new album “Red” is instantly iconic

I stand corrected. This bitch is ON TOP. Image via justjared.com

Watch me eat every single bad word I have ever said about Taylor Swift. Her latest album Red is pretty much the best album I’ve heard in a very long time. Sure, she’s got a weird and crazy love life. But she knows how to make amazing records from it (and to be fair, every celebrity and human being has a fucked up love life).

The thing I’ve come to realize in liking Taylor Swift’s Red is that she is arguably the most talented person in pop music right now. Nuff said.

Red is an eclectic mix of alt rock, pop and a little bit of country. She channels U2, then Stevie Nicks, then maybe a little Regina Spektor, then Katy Perry. And the cool thing is that it never feels tired or contrived. It’s bold and honest and still really fun. It’s the album any pop star would kill to put out, because she drew inspiration across MANY genres but made it work like the baddest bitch ever. I want to close the doors to my room and do some soul-searching/dancing to this album, because that’s how good it is. I shouldn’t be surprised that it’s good, it’s just that I’m surprised that I love it so much already. This is her best album to date and I cannot stress how good this album is. Do yourself a favor and get it.

Here are some really noteworthy tracks, although to be honest the entire album is comprised of noteworthy tracks.

All Too Well

“All Too Well” is alleged to be about Jake Gyllenhaal, and holy shit. It cuts pretty deep. “Maybe we got lost in translation/ maybe I asked for too much/ but maybe this thing was a masterpiece til you tore it all up” and “you call me up again just to break me like a promise/so casually cruel in the name of being honest/I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here/ because I remember it all too well.” Ok, girlfriend is fucking growing up, and I am fangirling the shit out of her 20 something love life songs like a new Spice Girls album release in the 90s. This song is amazing.

I Knew You Were Trouble

Um. Yeah. That’s Taylor Swift doing Katy Perry better than Katy Perry. This song is gonna be fucking HUGE. The melodies are spot on and remind me of late 90s/early 00s pop music. This song is baller af.

State of Grace

This is her U2 inspired song. And it totally fucking works.

Begin Again Live

This song is really sweet and reminds me of early Sheryl Crow for some reason.