9 Reasons To Save “Dont Trust The B—- In Apartment 23” via @BuzzFeed

 

9 Reasons To Save “Dont Trust The B—- In Apartment 23”.

DON’T CANCEL THIS SHOW PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you haven’t started watching, GO TO HULU NOW AND WATCH IT. IT IS AWESOME. AND HILARIOUS.

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On the fence: Justin Bieber

Whoa. Image via fanpop.com
Whoa. Image via fanpop.com

Justin Bieber.

Yes, growing up in the spotlight is difficult. He was supposed to be the modern-day Canadian equivalent to the humble, funny and talented Justin Timberlake. However, in recent months, Bieber has shown us just how fussy and annying a super-famous-mega-star baby of 18 years old can really be. Let’s examine what’s going on in the Bieberverse. (Is that a thing? I hate myself for writing that)

The Evidence

He accepted an award for Favorite Pop/Male Artist at the 2012 American Music Awards and dedicated it to”all the haters” which is SO LAME. Come on dude. No. -2

His music is fun. Don’t lie to yourself! Beauty and a Beat is a hella jam (Max Martin produced, so obvi!) Plus, he directed the video which is a really fun and well directed video. +5

ugh, teens. Image via idolator.com
ugh, teens. Image via idolator.com

He met the Canadian Prime Minister in an outfit best described as farm-douche chic. It’s not like their should be some fascist regime when it comes to style and meeting any head of state. It’s just super annoying. Eye roll! -2

He got mad at James Franco (who gets mad at James Franco? WTF?) for making a parody video of his song “Boyfriend”. The parody vid wasn’t even rude or anything, it was hilarious. Not having a sense of humor about your boy-toy status in the pop music industry? Self-awareness goes a long in H-wood Biebs. Get some. -3

Usher likes him. That’s cool, I guess? 0

Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift probably talk SO much shit about him. It would be scary to have those two against you, especially T-Swift. +2

His back story is amazing. I never finished his documentary, but watching him drum as a little kid proves that he was born with a natural talent for music. And his mom got it on tape! +5

His instagram is ridiculous. Body shots, selfies and now buttcrack. He’s like your friend’s gross little brother who farts in his hand and then throws it at you. Why are you showing your fanbase, KIDS AND TEENS AND QUESTIONABLE ADULTS, your buttcrack? Mooning is so 1983. Over! -1

He took his Grammy snubs alright, saying that “It’ll happen one day”. His manager was pissed though, saying on Twitter that “I just plain DISAGREE. The kid deserved it. Grammy board u blew it on this one.” Just be happy you have a job, you jags!!! -1

The Score

3

This is all I know about Justin Bieber. I think his music is fun, but his personality could use some growing up. Granted, he is still a teen and there is much needed time and room to grow. If we all had cameras following us and listening to our stupid teen opinions, we’d look like shitheads too. But come on! someone get him a decent PR adviser! It’s BEYOND time for that.

Image via daydreamstars.blogspot.com
Image via daydreamstars.blogspot.com

Listen: The Beach Boys will cure your winter sadsies

(Yes, that IS Uncle Jesse)

I have been listening to the Beach Boys’ “Kokomo” on repeat, because winter has grown stale and bitchy as fuck. I have never even thought of breaking out the Beach Boys in the winter to remind me that warm places still exist somewhere in the world. Places where people can harmonize like a muthafuck and you’re ALWAYS tan and kinda buzzed. Heaven help us through the rest of winter! We need sun! And the vitamin D supplements are getting to be a DRAG (just kidding I don’t take them but I should be. They have that shit in late night candy binges, right?)

I WANT TO GO TO THERE Image via rollingstone.com
I WANT TO GO TO THERE Image via rollingstone.com

Anyways, “Kokomo” is the perfect song to get through the last dregs of winter. I’ve listened to it 5 times this morning already, BEFORE coffee. I always forget about the Beach Boys. But good god, they’ve got some amazing songs that everyone has known since they were learning how to walk. The BB have some ethereal quality that sends you to a land of sand and beaches with beautiful skies, little to no breeze, attractive people smiling everywhere, etc. I feel happier when I hear their beachy songs, even though I’m stuck in a house surrounded by dirty, old snow and cunty ice.

If you are in a winter stupor just like me, maybe the Beach Boys will ease your cold, dry feet and chapped soul as well. Here are some more lovely Beach Boys songs to escape with:

California Girls

Surfin’ Safari

Wouldn’t It Be Nice

God Only Knows

Little Deuce Coupe

3 reactions I’ve heard about Justin Timberlake’s new single “Suit and Tie”

They look like a fun bunch! Image via popdust.com
They look like a fun bunch! Image via popdust.com

My friend Mark

My friend Mark texted me this morning, “This new JT is absolutely bangin!!!!! Hooooly shit. Sooo sophisticated.”

Perez Hilton is a JAG/rant about how much I do not like Perez Hilton

Sometimes, when I’m extremely bored and desperate for something mediocre to hate on, I visit perezhilton.com. A once veritable watering hole for bored teens/young adults is now a really dried up turd barely worth being called celebrity gossip (we all know you’re sucking up to everyone in Hollywood for professional gain and it is SO BORING). Anyways, I saw Perez’s opinion of Justin Timberlake‘s new song:

Image via Twitter
Image via Twitter

I mean, Perez Hilton’s entire being is steeped in everyone hating everything he says and does. So I’m not surprised that his shitty opinion of Justin Timberlake’s new song “Suit and Tie” infuriates me. I hate when artists get shit for not being EXACTLY like what already exists. That’s not innovative or interesting or exciting. That’s some un-creative, pop music fascism, Perez! Open up your world to different sounds other than ham farts and old phone messages from when Lady Gaga was using you for fame. #truthbomb

Me

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE RELEASED NEW MUSIC. AN ALBUM OF SONGS FROM ONE OF AMERICA’S FAVORITE ARTISTS WILL BE RELEASED THIS YEAR. THIS IS EXCITING. I LOVE JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE AND TIMBALAND, AND CAN’T WAIT TO HEAR THE BODY OF WORK THEY HAVE PRODUCED. WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Consensus

The new song rox, JT rox, and all the sane, non-idiot, non-buttworms are into it. Not just because it’s JT (but mostly am I right?!), but because that shit is fresh and genuine and so desperately needed in mainstream pop music right now.

Listen: Chi Duly covers the Weeknd::: enotS gnilloR

THIS REMIX IS INSANE. The original version is called “Rolling Stone”. Chi Duly, a producer/DJ who remixed an album of songs from The Weeknd, re-interpreted the song as “enotS gnilloR” and it is an aural, clubby pleasure. The vocals in the original song are run backwards over club beats and it sounds really fucking awesome. AMAZING. Listen. Now.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE RELEASING NEW MUSIC, HOPE RESTORED TO HUMANITY

I am brimming with emotions. Image via collider.com
I am brimming with emotions. Image via collider.com

HOLY FUCKING SHIT ON A MOTHERBOARD. I can’t believe this is real. I can barely type fast enough. I’m so sososososo excited!!!!

Watch his explanation video here of why it took him so long to release a new album. Short version- he cares so much about music and  he wanted to wait until the feeling was right about it to release something. It’s a lot more poignant and heartfelt in the video. And kudos to his team and friends for not leaking ANY of this to the press beforehand. When he tweeted this cryptic message last night:

Set an alarm bitches. Image via twitter
Set an alarm bitches. Image via twitter

that’s only when everyone started to heavily assume it was new music. But, after 6 years of hoping for a new album from one of our most beloved performers, we finally got the reprieve we have been waiting for all these years.

I have so many emotions on this Thursday morning. There is hope again in a once bleak and scary world. There is love where there once was nothing. There is an end in sight to the years of darkness that surrounded us all. Our Prince of Pop has returned. Welcome Back Sir. We’ve missed you more than can be conveyed in words or screams or ritual killings.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE IS MUTHAFUCKIN’ BACK. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU UNIVERSE.

Taylor Swift is single again, another day has its dawn

taylor swift
Single again! Oh joy. Image via newnownext.com

Just like the sands of time, Taylor Swift finds herself without an 18-year-old boy to hug at nigh-nigh time. Here are my thoughts:

A) Why is Taylor Swift dating 18-year-olds?

I can barely masturbate to anyone my age, let alone ACTUALLY DATE THEM. And seriously, an 18 year-old? What the fuck does he have going on besides having been world famous for a minute? Sure, he’s got that confusing, side-swept hair ‘n bang combo that makes tweens excited in a really uncomfortable way. And maybe he has some money now, but if my exact and unfaltering recollection of boy band money managements past are any indication, I know that young Harry probably doesn’t have THAT much cash floating around. There’s also charm, but homeless guys on the bus can also be charming so that’s null and void.

B) Why does she always have a boyfriend?

SLOW THE FUCK DOWN T SWIFT Image via graziadaily.co.uk
SLOW THE FUCK DOWN T SWIFT Image via graziadaily.co.uk

Girlfriend needs to take some HER TIME. Stop dating anyone who looks kinda cute and is kinda famous. There are plenty of kinda cute boys to ruin your day when you get older. There’s no need to rush it! Hasn’t she seen every episode of Sex and the City? Love and relationship anguish literally never ends unless you’re lobotomized or in a coma 4ever.

Maybe it’s super lonely being that famous. And sadly it kind of seems like she never had a lot of friends growing up either. But the reason I like being single so much is because I have AMAZING friends. Maybe she should work on forming strong and true friendships this year instead of jumping on every cute celebrity who says they like her Max Martin-produced songs.

C) This may be why she gets dumped a lot

Harry Styles was reported as saying that during their Carribean fight, T-Swift proclaimed “You’re lucky to even be with me.” Whoa, bitch. That is uncalled for. Definitely some ego that NEEDS to be checked. Don’t say that, not to anyone, ever! You are one human being who just happened to become famous by writing songs about failed high school relationships. So what, we’ve all written angsty poems about our high school loves gone wrong. You are successful, but you are not a god. Don’t say shit like that.

I’m not picking sides here and I really don’t even want to defend Harry Styles because I like Taylor Swift’s latest album, but what EXACTLY is lucky about being with Taylor Swift? That once the inevitable break up happens, she’s gonna totally shit on you in an amazing song? Or that everywhere you go, paparazzi are following the both of you? Or maybe it’s the stupid celebrity couple name that need to die in a sick a twisted death that haunts him in his dreams? Haylor. HAYLOR. HUG ME HAYLOR I’M RIGHT HERE BREATHING MOISTLY ON YOUR EYE LID. 

They were cute. RIP suckaz. Image via andpop.com
They were cute. RIP suckaz. Image via andpop.com

Taylor: please, slow down. Be by yourself. It can be beautiful. Being alone is not sad. It’s fucking awesome. Pizza rolls? Anytime baby. Take a look into what you REALLY want in a partner, and not into their celebrity status or what kind of song you’ll get out of holding hands with someone you think doesn’t deserve to be with you. That’s kinda insane, girl. Get it together!