Ryan Lochte: America’s Next Top Famewhore

Image via fillinn.com

Ahh. The fresh, new yearnings of a baby famewhore! Their diapers are full of lost dignity and sentence structure, and their tummys are gassy with commercial deals that will make them millions and probably involve child slavery in Asia. It always does.

He’s already acting, and it’s proving to be quite the feat for the Olympic Gold medal winner. This guy has left absolutely no time in between his Olympic dreams and publicity schemes. A True American Hero. Hey, that would make a great reality show name for the deal he is currently seeking. Olympic Dreams to Hollywood Schemes. I demand royalties!

His first acting spot is on the this show is still on? pristine and delicate piece of television history, also known as the 90210 reboot. This is what he had to say about diving head first (heh) into acting:

“Memorizing lines, and trying to like, say them and still like, do movement and all that. That was hard.”

Truly inspiring, Ryan. I can’t wait until he starts to get really engrained in celebrity life. I hope he starts a blog called “Jeah Boi: Ryan Lochte’s Truly-Amazing-Can’t-Get-Enough-Baller-on-Baller-Status Adventures in H-Wood HOLLA MUNEY.” However, he’s got a long way to go. If he truly wants to stay on top, he’s gotta release a sex tape, get a public fake marriage, make foreign children sew together a shitty fashion line for Sears and then start fucking Kanye West. I have faith. A new star has been born.

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Netflix nightcap: Adaptation

Image via netflix.com

 Adaptation for me was always one of those movies you remember hearing about during some Oscar season a decade ago, but were too young to care about or to even understand.

The film takes you to Hollywood where an overweight, unhappy and absolutely self-conscious/insecure Charles Kaufman (played by Nicolas Cage) is a screenwriter struggling to adapt a book about a cray-cray orchid thief Floridian named John Laroche. Charles is having trouble adapting a book about flowers and one peculiar man into a Hollywood-type film, so he goes to New York to meet the writer of the book (played by Meryl Streep) who he’s been secretly obsessing over. He really doesn’t have a way with women, this one.

Charlie’s twin brother Donald, also played by Nicolas Cage (what CAN’T he do?!) is the sunnier side of the egg. He’s kind, sincere and also a screenwriter, except he writes action thrillers instead of deeper, emotional pieces. They end up in New York together to meet Streep, as a way to gain better insight into her character for the screenplay, and chaos ensues! Hint: They go to Florida and some crazy shit goes down. (When doesn’t crazy shit happen in Florida? Dexter, anyone?)

Chris Cooper is amazing in all his roles. Granted they are normally mean, scary or insanely creepy. Image via movies.zap2it.com

It’s refreshing to watch a movie with a interesting plot. Can you even remember a time? Now that they’re turning boardgames into movies (Ya, seriously?! Hollywood is SO coked out), it’s a real treat to watch something with an original thought somewhere in its midst.

Nicolas Cage is amazing in this movie. You may be used to seeing him in horrible trailers for those skull-fucking blockbuster movies he makes every couple of years, like National Treasure and Ghost RiderHowever, mixed in with his movies that make him shameless millions are little gems like Adaptation. Meryl Streep and Chris Cooper are fantastic in this film, as are Tilda Swinton. Maggie Gyllenhaal, although a small part, is in the flick too. AAAnd part of the movie is “behind the scenes” of the amazing movie Being John MalkovichYou have to watch that one too, because it is GENIUS and creative. Do it! Reruns of Parks and Rec can wait!!

TV: Why Smash is better than Glee

Image via nbc.com

I’m not a huge fan of theater shows on TV, because I’ve never watched one that seemed anything more than an overblown and out of proportion take on how people in theater act in “real life.” It’s also almost always done in a really campy, not relatable way that people who have never been in theater don’t understand.

Of course I’m sure we’ve all met people who have been in or are in theater. Sure they are a little quirky, but isn’t anyone in a creative industry quirky? However, not ALL of them are crazy weirdos like those creeps on Glee. (Read a good explanation as to why Glee sucks here) Don’t even get me started on the absolute shit hole that is GleeSmash is nothing like Glee. 

Hahahaha. Image via sodahead.com

First of all, I’m surprised at how well casted this show is. Anjelica Houston, Debra Messing, Katharine McPhee, Megan Hilty and the whole gang were all really good choices. It seems at any moment if you were to run into one of the characters in real life, that they would actually exist as human beings and be believable. Rachel Berry and company on the other hand…

Second, the show takes musical theater on Broadway to a more human level. None of the characters are decidedly so far off the spectrum quirky or “too” theater, whatever that means. The actresses vying for the role of Marilyn on Smash are hard working gals living in NYC who are immersed or trying to break into the acting world. That sounds realistic. And the writers, choreographers and producers seem relatively honest portrayals of professionals in the theater biz as well. They aren’t trying to ruin each others lives (yet) in what seem like cheap and easy, not to mention repetitive, story lines with horrible acting. (I hate Glee.)

All in all, Smash is the least self indulgent theater show I’ve ever seen on television. They’re not (yet) selling an album full of songs that are shittier than the original to everyone with too much expendable income. Basically, Glee is sloppy television and product marketing at its absolute finest; Smash is a tv show (with less obvious marketing) about musical theater in NYC. If I have to pick a show about theater on TV, Imma go with the latter.

Katy Perry re-releasing double platinum album… why???

Did she make this cover herself?! Photo via katyperry.com

Ugh. Nice one, music industry. As if the original album didn’t make enough money, Katy Perry and her money hungry friends are “re-releasing” her double-platinum album Teenage Dream. This is exactly like “re-releasing” Beauty and the Beast in 3-D, so some execs somewhere can make a shit ton of money off of them. Neat!

SHE WANTS YOUR MONEY. Russell Brand isn't taking any of it in the divorce settlement, so she wants more more more with a re-release. Goody! Photo via thedocreport.tumblr.com
SHE WANTS YOUR MONEY. Russell Brand isn't taking any of it in the divorce settlement, so she wants more more more with a re-release. Goody! Photo via thedocreport.tumblr.com

I like Katy Perry. I do. T.G.I.F. is mah jam in the car. But this deluxe edition with only 3 extra songs is weird, especially in the day and age of digital downloads. Who needs two copies of the same songs? Really! There will be three extra songs on the “deluxe” version: “E.T.” featuring Kanye West (which is a total rip off of T.A.T.U.’s “All The Things She Said“), an acoustic version of “The One That Got Away” (or, the song she needs to be number one to beat Michael Jackson’s record) and “T.G.I.F. (Last Friday Night) featuring Missy Eliot (ok, I’d pay the 99 cents for this one).

Exactly. Photo via sodahead.com

We all know the music industry is soooo bleak. Adele practically owned 2011 with her album 21, to which nobody could compete against. But really, I don’t know anyone who is that big of a Katy Perry fan to buy practically the same album twice, when you could just buy the 1 song with Missy Eliot (where’ve you been girl!?) that hasn’t been released yet, for 99 cents. I mean, especially for us poor-ish 20 somethings, buying the one song vs copies of the other songs we already have just makes sense.

This is one of those times where the music industry sadly and shockingly hasn’t quite caught up with the times, because nobody buys CDs. And if we do take our time to go to the store and physically buy the CD, it’s for our soul-mate favorite musical artist, not copies of a Katy Perry CD.