5 reasons the polar vortex is the best thing to happen to winter

polar-vortex-cold-weather-USA-11

I am LOVING the polar vortex. Do nothing and eat a bunch? I didn’t know it was so cold in HEAVEN. Here’s why I’m having the time of my life.

1. Lay in bed and watch Netflix ALL DAY

Are you kidding me? Is this my birthday, Christmas, AND Halloween combined? Check it: Lay in bed, wear whatever crazy combination of sweaters, hot pants and fun socks your heart desires. Throw on a tiara if you want. Paint your face up like Heath Ledger in that Batman movie (I know it’s the Dark Knight u shoulda seen ur face) or like Gaga in her “Applause” video. Scare your roommates with said faces, and then after a good stabbing laugh, invite them into the living room for an afternoon of Netflix. Pick the most disgusting guilty pleasure shows that have ever existed to man and watch them, like Bridalplasty or The Swan. Or maybe you like really good things and don’t waste your time watching the worst humans alive compete for plastic surgery (u suck but whatever). I hear Breaking Bad is good. Also MELROSE PLACE has all the murder, love triangles and personality disorders you could EVER dream of.

You’ve been gifted HAVING to stay indoors under blankets and watch TV. Don’t fuck it up by doing anything else, like productive shit. PRAISE BE TO ARCTICA, GOD OF POLAR WINDS, UNLIMITED STREAMING AND EARLY BED TIMES.

2. Eat whatever you want images

It’s a polar vortex outside! Are you kidding me! High temperatures are in the high -10s! YOU EAT THAT FROZEN PIZZA. You eat it good, and eat it by yourself. After that, eat a bag of chips. Then ice cream. Then an apple because you should eat one healthy thing at least sometimes. But most importantly eat whatever you want because you might need those calories when your ’03 Ford Taurus hits black ice on the highway and sends you careening over the side of a bridge only to be caught in the strong and sexy limbs of a frozen tree. Yes you’re STRANDED  in a car, stuck in a tree, and even though you’ve survived a harrowing once-in-a-lifetime experience, your dad is still gonna KILL YOU for playing Candy Crush while driving. But at least you ate enough pizza and chips beforehand to be able to survive falling off a bridge in a car and being saved by a tree. You’ll be a Facebook star for like 5 hours (suck it, people with cute kids)!!  Pretty sure that’s called living the dream.

3. FUR

Um, if there’s any time to bust out that fur coat your politically incorrect yet fabulously stylish grandmother gave you before she moved into some old person orgy center in Florida, it’s now. I don’t care what that vegan says on Facebook (why are you facebook friends with a vegan). WERK DAT FUR OR DIE A BITING DEATH IN THE FRIGID ELEMENTS.

you could look THIS fabulous in the polar vortex. you kno you wanna
you could look THIS fabulous in the polar vortex. you kno you wanna. GAGA YAAAAAS

4. Social obligations are nil

You know what? You DON’T have to go to your ex-roommate’s new roommate’s boyfriend’s free rock show tonight. Maybe your car battery seriously isn’t working, or maybe it is buuuuuuut there’s no need to push it. Maybe it’s too cold out to find parking and then walk 5 blocks in the hip part of town for drinks because frostbite really DOES set in after 5 minutes! Maybe you’re an alien working for a galactic organization hell bent on taking over Earth and the subzero temperatures don’t affect you. But who’s to say you don’t deserve a couple of quiet nights in? YOU DESERVE IT.

Guilt-free stay-ins? THANKS POLAR VORTEX!!!!

5. Bonding time

The polar vortex is a GREAT way for some extra bonding time with your roommates. Get to know the person who smells your shit in the morning a little better. Do they like Katy Perry? Do they “get” performance art? Have they ever murdered anyone on purpose? Who did they vote for in the last People’s Choice Awards? Throw a pizza in the oven, pop a stale 40, and open up those floodgates, baby.

this is you during the winter vortex. you've never looked happier.
this is you during the winter vortex. you’ve never looked happier.

THANKS POLAR VORTEX!!!

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If you’re not watching “Damages” you need to seriously reevaluate your Netflix subscription

Image via collider.com

Remember the days of “oohs!” and “aahs!” when it came to your Netflix instant queue? I HAVE to watch that. I heard the juxtaposition of post-modernity and consumerism coupled with Brad Pitt’s abs will scintillate both mind and loins. A cinematic mung bean fricassee for all! Well my friends, those days are long gone. No longer are we met with endless upon endless films that systematically wet our mind, body and soul. Because you’ve either already seen it, re-watched it a couple times (Arrested Development never gets old) or can’t get through the first 5 minutes of some British TV show that’s supposed to be funny, but just ends up being the poor man’s version of the 2012 London Olympic opening ceremony.

More or less a summary of the 2012 Olympic Opening ceremony. Gif via media.photobucket.com

Among all the terrible, horrible, good-for-nothing things on Netflix, there remains a couple gems that may have slipped under your radar. One of them is Damages

Here are three things I’ve learned so far from watching season 1 of Damages and why you should definitely be watching:

  1. What I find most appealing and thought provoking is that every single character solidifies the idea that there is no inherent good or bad in this world. And god damn is it refreshing. It never gives in to a society-at-large that wishes with all its Christmas spirit that cut-and-dried, good and evil truly exist. Instead, Damages exposes us to the cold hard fact that we live in a spectral continuum of being a huge dick or being pretty cool. In other words: Black and White, meet 50 billion shades of self-righteous gray.
  2. Glenn Close. GLENN CLOSE. When I was little and exposed to her in the live-action version 101 Dalmatians, I was like “that lady is MEAN!” and I didn’t care much for her. As I am older and a bit wiser, I realize what an uninformed jerk I was at 7. She is a phenomenal actress, and is the absolute anchor of this series in one of the best roles ever written on television.  Her portrayal of Patty Hewes has you questioning EVERYTHING about anything, whether it be character motives on the show, things in your own life, or why your stoned friend is eyeing the fuck out of your dessert.
  3. Trust no one. Is it a product of living in an untrustworthy society, or is it a dramatic, Hollywood interpretation of wading through the waters of Société Elite? Probably both. All I know is that if you have to ask someone if they can be trusted, they’re probably going to end up killing you right before they eat a mediocre sandwich. The more you know!

Netflix nightcap: The Sarah Silverman Program

Image via Netflix

The Sarah Silverman Program

I think the Sarah Silverman Program is one of the funniest shows on Netflix Instant. Sarah plays a warped version of herself who is unemployed and highly childlike, self-obsessed and irresponsible. Sarah gets into ridiculous situations. Getting people fired, having sex with God and then not calling him back, and convincing the homophobic parents of her gay friend to take LSD to learn how to be accepting. These situations are completely insane and absolutely fun.

She also writes original songs in nearly all the episodes that will make you cry. There’s a Lisa Loeb cover that leads her to touring the country with her previously thought-to-be-deceased father in a group called “The Loeb Trotters”, penises aren’t father figures and an ode to poop. Take a look at some of the lyrics:

This is a Poop Song

It was brown and it had raisins
And we flushed it for those reasons

This is a poop song…
This is a poop song.

I was walking to the mall
And I had to make a poop

This is a poop song…
This is a poop song.

We pooped at the mall today
We pooped at the mall…

The Porn Song

there’s a dream in your head
that will never come true,
there’s a stickiness all over
and it didn’t come from you.
you wish your dad had been there
but more oftentimes he was not,
you can’t put your arms around
a dirty gang-bang cum shot,
but that’s all you et.
that’s all you get.”

do you ever take drugs
so that you can have sex
without crying?…yeah yeah

there’s a hole in your heart
where the sorrow pours out.
there’s a hole in your heart
where ambivalence sets in….

all the penises in the country
all the penises in the world
all the penises in the galaxy
won’t fill your heart hole….

Genius. Pure genius. You have to check out this show. It’s the right amount of ridiculous everyone could use, especially during election year. She’s hot, it’s funny, and there is a crazy big Tom Selleck mustache in every episode. What more could you ever ask for?

Hilarious and supa fine. Image via israel-lightontonations.blogspot.com

Netflix nightcap: Saturday Night Live

LIVE FROM NETFLIX IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!

It’s electric! And awkward. kamertunesblog.wordpress.com

All, absolutely all episodes of SNL are on Netflix now! Plus some Best ofs like Will Ferrell, Chris Rock, Chris Farley and Jimmy Fallon.

Of course I haven’t watched absolutely every episode of this crazy long and successful series. However of the few early epsiodes I’ve seen, I recommend checking out the second episode of the first season, where Simon and Garfunkel come together again for a live show and completely let the world know exactly how tense it was between Simon and Garfunkel. It is cultural and musical gold. I really wanna check out the ABBA episode because they are pop royalty in my eyes.

Last time I checked, the later seasons of SNL, meaning the most recent ones, don’t show the musical guests. I’m assuming this is due to copyright bullshit that some jerk suits are throwing a hissy fit in the middle of the grocery store over. Eye roll!

Nevertheless, we can relive every episode ever of our favorite and not-so-favorite actors and actresses either killing it or embarrassing themselves. Also, whenever you’re feelin’ blue and need some female funny empowerment, Rachel Dratch, Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, Liz Lemon Tina Fey and Kristen Wiig are just a couple of hilarious clicks away.

When discs-at-home Netflix is a waste of money

I wish this was a gif where the Netflix envelope dances to funk music with a suit and tie flashing on and off of him. Someone, do it! Image via pchell.com

I love me some Netflix. Fo’real. Granted, it used to be a lot better, like when they had an account with Starz and their CEO, or whoever runs the show over there, didn’t fuck everything up yet. (Qwikster… YIKES, dude. Seriously? A ‘w’?)

But I am SO BAD with keeping up with my queue. By the time the movie I wanted gets here, which is like a week later when I finally decide to return the movie I haven’t watched but want to get rid of, I’m uninterested. It’s a sick game.

You really have to be in the right mood to watch a certain movie. If I wanted to chill and watch something funny but instead had a Nazi war crime film, it might be really difficult to get back to the person I was when I ordered that movie. This modern world moves at such a fast pace, that I can barely pass my ample part-time gal free time watching something I recently wanted to see.

Is the internet too entertaining? Definitely. Should I feel bad that I waste $10 a month on maybe watching A movie? Probably. But there are always those surprising fits of energy when you sync up with your queue. It’s fucking beautiful. You’re excited to see the red envelope in the mail. You rip it open. GAHHH it’s your first Clarissa Explains It All disc! Success! Or you’re in a depressive, destructive mood and just want to watch something so horrible like The Diary of Anne Frank (Yeah, there are a lot of movies about Nazi Germany).

All I know is, it’s kind of nice to have this non-problem problem. It’s like those sit coms from the 50s, where there were no actual problems that weren’t super harmless, like a dog eating homework or Ritchie forgetting to cut the grass before the Sock Hop. If this post was more like a modern day actual problem, it would probably go like Meth: The benefits they’re not telling you. Not gonna lie, I’d totally read that blog. Meth + blogging is probably going to be the next big thing. (Or has it already happened?) Although I don’t know what people on meth are like. Blogging may be out of reach.

Netflix Nightcap: Martha Marcy May Marlene

 

Image via screenrant.com

This movie is awesome. Elizabeth Olsen is amazing, and definitely did not get this role because of sisterly nepotism. She plays Martha/Marcy May/Marlene soooo well. Her character, M/MM/M got involved in an abusive cult and was gone for two years without really contacting her family. The movie shows her struggle with deciphering between what is real and what is a bad memory from her cult days. It’s hard to watch but that’s what makes it such a good film, because you’re navigating the fucked up story along with M/MM/M.

The creepiness of this movie and the way she got sucked in and brainwashed into a cult resonated with me for a couple of days. To have a film creep you out for that long was really fucking cool. Scary, but cool because it takes a lot of talent from everyone involved in the film to create a story like that. It’s a MUST SEE movie. Put it in your Netflix queue like, yesterday!

Netflix nightcap: Party Girl

Image via letterstoayounglibrarian.blogspot.com

This movie is an instant classic. You know when you listen to a song or meet a new friend and you just instantly know you’re going to be bffs? Party Girl is that movie. Think early 90s Clueless with more clubbing, recreational drugs and 20s future-related strife.

Parker Posey plays this role to perfection. Everything she says is funny, even if it’s not supposed to be. She’s kind of like that in every role she plays, like there’s some kind of wit dripping from every word she says, even though she delivers with ice-cold perfection.

Image via

The movie starts off with Posey’s character, Mary, throwing awesome parties to make rent and have money for her fabulous lifestyle. Quickly she gets arrested and calls her godmother to pick her up. She reluctantly gives her a job at the library she works at. Mary doesn’t really care about the job, until she gets berated by her aunt to give a shit about something. She gets high, learns the Dewey decimal system and begins her transformation from crazy party girl to chic professional.

Of course there are boys boys boys involved! Mary has a crush on the Lebanese falafel guy she orders from everyday. Wearing one crazy outfit after another and trying to learn Arabic, their relationship flits along throughout the movie as she continues to figure out how to become adult-y.

This movie is hilarious, 20-something coming of age, fashionable and best of all it has heart. Instant favorite and definitely a Netflix diamond in the rough.