The Voice is a bullshit vehicle for stars with dead careers

image from an episode of 30 Rock
Image via an episode of 30 Rock

I do not watch shows like The Voice or American Idol. I think they are lame. I’m all for entertainment and shit, capitalism is whatever, but the false hope that these shows instill in the thousands of forgettable people who are featured season after season makes me sick.

It’s true that SOME people have come out of singing competitions like American Idol with a successful singing career. Kelly Clarkson had a good run. That bald guy from American Idol is doing okay I guess. Clay Aiken was on an episode of 30 Rock once. Out of the 13 seasons of American Idol, Carrie Underwood is by far the most successful. But that’s 13 seasons and only 4 people that are only kinda-maybe culturally relevant today.

As for “The Voice”, I can’t even tell you one person who has had mainstream success. That’s because it’s a pretty transparent vehicle to launch the stagnant careers of its already famous, millionaire coaches.

Exhibit A: Gwen Stefani’s new single “Baby Don’t Lie”

As you may or may not know, Gwen Stefani is a coach on the current season of “The Voice.” Which is weird, right? Because she hasn’t been relevant in the music industry since her solo albums in the mid 2000s. Sure, No Doubt tried to come back in 2012 with their album “Push and Shove” but it didn’t really land anywhere mainstream.

But wait! Today (October 27) she just released a new solo single called “Baby Don’t Lie,” while she is currently serving as a coach on “The Voice.” What a coincidence. Where does she find the time?! I mean, when’s a better time to try and restart your music career than when you’ve been hired to “coach” a “singing competition” on network television?

Exhibit B: Rotating judges on “The Voice” and subsequent releases

Christina Aguilera? Dead career. Usher? Pretty sure dead career, but maybe I’m just not aware of his phantom hits somewhere. Cee Lo Green? “Fuck You” was cool 4 years ago. Shakira? Released a song with Rihanna called “Can’t Remember to Forget You” in between her season 4 and season 6 coaching duties.

Don’t even get me started on Maroon 5. (PLZ for the love of god stop howling at the moon on the radio) I don’t even know what a Blake Shelton is so I won’t go there.

In addition to using the show to promote their own music careers, the fact that the coaches actually perform on “The Voice” chaps me to the core of my chapable human parts. It’s not about you, famous people. JESUS. 

Take this video, for example, of Gwen Stefani performing her biggest solo hit ever “Hollaback Girl” on “The Voice.” I love Gwen Stefani, really. But she is not a singer that I would regard as being able to give anyone a whole lot of singing tips. Especially when the song she chooses to perform on the singing competition show is one where she is talk-singing over backing vocals. Which is totally fine, I ain’t no vocal performance snob. But it’s a singing competition show. The point of it is singing well, not getting by with what ya got. That’s called real life.

Exhibit C: The music industry has been wearing sweatpants in its mom’s basement for over a decade

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Look, we all know the music industry struggles everyday to make money. Small artists definitely struggle, and big artists struggle to make millions off of their music, not including the 7 perfumes they launched this year and a fucking clothing line at Kmart.

Blame it on Napster, blame it on people not respecting time-based art, blame it on the rain. Probably blame it on MTV somehow too.

Let’s not be idealistic idiots. Money is fun. These coaching gigs pay a fuckton of money, so I understand why someone would want to be a coach on a huge show like “The Voice.” They not only get a sick paycheck but they also get to promote their brand. Neat. But taking advantage of these idiot nobody singers (I say with love!) trying to make it big in a show that will never make them big is fucking rude.

Let’s get real: most of these nobody singers are not going to have a singing career after their stints on “The Voice.” They are used as props to fuel viewer engagement and promote the artists telling them they’re “great” and they “love what ur doing” and “ur gonna b a star.” As sickly entertaining as it is to watch people’s dreams get crushed on shows like these, can’t we find another way to promote music on primetime TV that doesn’t involve monetizing false hope in the hearts of starving singers?

COMMENT BELOW and tell me what you think.

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Television: Nicki Minaj needs to cool it on American Idol

Image via inquisitr.com

We all know by now that these huge shows like American Idol, X Factor, Buttholes of Turd City, thrive on “Omg, backstage drama behind the scenes! Someone gets mad- and it’s NOT who you think! Next on E!” (FYI it’s always exactly who you think.) Nicki Minaj was recently recorded saying she was gonna seriously fuck some Mariah Carey shit up at a taping of American Idol. Bleh. In the iconic words of Stephanie Tanner, “how rude!”

Another manufactured feud! How delightful! Image via thatgrapejuice.net

Reason number 1 this entire thing was leaked to the press: to get press. If Nicki Minaj was seriously threatening to shoot Mariah Carey (the shooting comment wasn’t recorded, but Mariah told the press it happened so it must be a golden truth), like actually fire a gun at and hit her in the flesh to take her life a la gangsta rap circa 96, I don’t think it would be such a lassiez faire piece of midweek gossip.

Has pop culture gotten so accustomed to crazy fucking shit on television that we are now OK with pop stars threatening violence against each other? It doesn’t matter if it was just a ploy for press or if Minaj actually meant what she said. It just shouldn’t be acceptable to threaten to shoot somebody or beat them up, ESPECIALLY not at work, and be able to keep your job! Plus, with all the crazy shootings that happen in this country every couple of weeks, you’d think Hollywood would have a little social responsibility in not fueling gun violence and generally shitty fucking things. Oh, wait.

What’s next? Nicki Minaj guns some people down to a Eurotrash beat for a Pepsi commercial endorsed by Meth for Kids©? Pop culture is getting exciting.

Anyways, nobody at American Idol seems to be worried that there are gun threats floating around the judges panel at American Idol. Everyone’s just like “oh no, that’s crazy” in a total April from Parks and Rec voice. Because really? Another “feud between divas!!!” is so passé. Especially if they involve Mariah Carey, Christina Aguilera, or any other “diva” who would be feuding with an actual piece of human shit if it stole the spotlight from them.

Y’all ain’t no Britneys, and we can smell your famewhore, calculated intention a billion light years away. Cut the lame shit and find middle America someone to forget to see at Walmart concerts next summer.

Gossip folk: American Idol, Do Something! Awards, and Taylor Swift at the VMAs

“American Idol, where washed up people go to have only slightly less terrible careers!” Image via allhiphop.com

American Idol judge rumors

Reports have been circulating completely leaked by anyone who works at American Idol that a bunch of HUGE OMG stars are considering judging on American Idol next season. I’ve read reports that Kanye, Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey are all rumored to be in consideration for a judge spot on the biggest “that show is still on?” show on TV.

First of all, no. Anyone with an actual artistic career (Kanye and Nicki) would be an idiot to accept a position like this on TV. American Idol is used not so much as a platform for hopeful nobodies to never finally earn notoriety, but more as a restart button for stars who have faded from the spotlight and need to fuel their addiction to gay russian squirrel porn pay their bills and egos. Exhibit A:

Groundbreaking. Image via awesomehq.com
  1. Paula Abdul wasn’t doin’ shit before she was on the show, besides starring in scat videos. I wouldn’t know if she was a household name when her career hit its peak for that month in 1993 because I learning how to spell and shit. But if she hadn’t been a judge on American Idol, not many people would remember her mediocre pop career.
  2. J Lo had a failed marriage and some kids, but wasn’t really doing anything in the realm of entertainment. It’s funny that she’s so famous, because I don’t think she’s ever done anything that’s earned critical praise post In Living Color. Or any kind of praise at all. It’s a corporate conspiracy!
  3. Stephen Tyler, who the fuck knows. He was bored? He got sober and needed something to distract him from drugs and boozey treats?

See? Nobody ACTUALLY relevant and present-day successful becomes a judge on a shitty television show where you have to vote for people you’ll see at your local Walmart during their summer “tour.” That being said, let’s expect to welcome Mariah Carey to American Idol this fall, with the perfect amount of “you’ll never be as good as me” enthusiasm that the young kids really need to hear more of these days.

Do Something! Awards aka C-list celebrities sniffing their own farts

Oh great. Pseudo-celebs gathering on VH1 (seriously, what the fuck happened to that network) to praise themselves and each other for BEING SO GREAT at the Do Something! Awards. Isn’t the point of doing charity work helping others and not calling attention to how great you are?! Sure, it’s nice to party, and I’m sure it’s even nicer to party and be on TV (even if it IS on VH1). But good god. Famewhores alert! Is Ryan Lochte gonna be there too?!

The stunning presenter list includes Kristin Bell, John Cho, Olivia Munn, Will Ferrell, Harry Shum, Jr. I don’t know who the last guy is. Fitting!

Taylor Swift at the VMAs

So I saw this promo for the MTV VMAs with Taylor Swift and Kevin Hart.

 

And this is what came to mind: Her deadpan is actually really good, and girlfriend could use about 5 cigarettes a day. I would love to hear a gritty, cigged-out Taylor Swift throat singing all her “you should fuck off and die, bastard!” songs. Let’s start a campaign!

On the fence: Jennifer Lopez

Image via hfwww.fanpop.com

I’m still I’m still Jenny from the block. Now, go get my fucking Evian and warm it to exactly 72 degrees. Then lightly spray in on my breadless sandwich, and stand 32 degrees away from me facing east. It’s best for digestion, peasant.” –Not an actual quote from Jennifer Lopez

Image via imdb.com

I’ve been on the fence with J-Lo ever since her movie with Ben Affleck totally ruined my life. Remember reading Gigli over and over and pronouncing it “giggly” and then being forever confused for the rest of your life? Thanks J-Lo, you dick.

In all seriousness, there’s a lot of cool and not so cool things about Jenny from the huge-fucking-mansion-in-the-gated-community (new song?). Let’s examine.

The Evidence

The tagline for the movie Gigli is: “The violent story about how a criminal lesbian, a tough-guy hit-man with a heart of gold, and a retarded man came to be best friends through a hostage.” And you’re telling me that movie was a flop? GET OUT! It actually sounds kind of genius. Like, Tropic Thunder genius. I bet someone went full retard. I hear you’re not supposed to do that. Gigli makes me miss the days where Hollywood could literally produce pieces of excrement and not even care if they were successful. I say, kudos to J-Lo for picking a movie with that tagline. +1

She totally changed Ben Affleck into a suity kind of bourgeois guy that we know he is not. He’s a Boston-y dude who likes beards and plaid. Plus, we shouldn’t change our significant others so dramatically. Getting them to do the dishes or cut down on cigarettes is way different than making them dress and act different. Boo! Maybe Benny was into it, but seeing as the wedding never happened and he’s back to beards and plaid, I’d say Jenny had a firm wrist in that relationship.

-3

She’s known for being a diva, but who isn’t? 0

Holla at a girl! I LOVED On the 6 when I was in middle school. That shit was my jam. Image via virginmedia.com

You can’t deny this bitch knows how to make some BANK. Celebrity clothing lines/perfumes (no matter how trashy) make a lot of money. Just look at Jessica Simpson and her billion dollar empire. J-Lo’s music career kind of revived itself with her clubby hit “On the Floor.” And who can forget her *amazing* acting career. She’s a stahhhh, so she gets s set amount of dough before each movie. That’s why you never see her in indie flicks. And lastly, her stint on American Idol, where pop stars kind of go to die. Right, Paula? Anyways, you can’t deny she is a successful and powerful lady who deserves the recognition for making a shit ton of moolah. +5

She picks really, really terrible movies to be in. -4

With the exception of Selena. +3

“On the 6” was fucking awesome. +3

She’s always handled her tabloid drama well. Divorces, marriages, rumors, etc. She’s got the media down. +5

Jenny represents her latino/a heritage well for an American born lady. It’s good to have a powerful woman around, not to mention a great, hot, successful latina running a bunch of shit. Good for her. +5

J-Lo got her start on In Living Color as a fly girl, which is probably the coolest start to a career anyone could ever have. +2

Image via people.com

She wasn’t born with a silver spoon in her future silver spoon-y mouth. +1

She’s known for not drinking alcohol or taking any drugs. Which sounds boring (who doesn’t love a cocktail?!) but have you seen her? She looks amazing. Pretty much like 20 years haven’t gone by. Yeah she probably has some sweet-ass creams that are a million dollars an ounce. But her genetics and lifestyle also come into play. Jealz! +2

The Score

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Omg, I think I like J-Lo. Not enough to buy her latest music (yet), but enough to play On the 6 while putting eyeliner on. Plus, she was a fly girl. Nuff said.

On the fence: Ryan Seacrest

Image via faces3.com

It seems as though we’ve grown up with Ryan Seacrest. He’s been on our television screens since the first days of competitive televisión singing with his hosting gig on American Idol. Then he took a foray into radio with his own radio show (that is currently broadcasted throughout the US and Canada), and now he’s a producer for many shows on E! Our little Seacrest certainly has his teeny self into what seems like every hosting and television production on TV. Let’s examine Seacrest, and see how he fares on the fence.

Ahh, those were the days. Anyone remember “From Justin to Kelly”? hahaha. I miss our good economy. Image via nj.com

The Evidence

He started out hosting American Idol in 2002 with a guy named Brian Dunkleman. However, after the first season, Dunkleman quit due to the alleged terrible treatment of the hopeful contestants. He also said that the producers of American Idol would give the judges glycerin tears to make them look sympathetic and moved. However, Ryan stuck it out and made millions from doing what they do in show biz. Sorry Dunkleman, morals don’t exist in Hollywood. Didn’t you know that?! +3

“Seacrest out.” I hate it, but I love it. 0

He “feuded” with Simon a lot on American Idol, and maybe still does, but I haven’t seen that show since Jennifer Hudson got kicked off. Anyways, it was entertaining to see a short blonde, bleached-tooth host of a guy get in nit-picky fights with a saucy brit. The guy knows how to entertain. +2

He always compliments his girlfriend Julianne Hough when she’s on the red carpet and he’s interviewing celebs. Awwwww. +1

They are perfectly sized for each other. Image via dailymail.co.uk

Seacrest fucking WORKS. Network producer. Host of seriously anything that’s happening in Hollywood. American Idol. E!. Radio show producer and host (he took over for Casey Kasem for the top 40 countdown as well as Rick Dees). Produces lots of reality shows on E! like the Kardashians. I respect anyone working 5+ jobs. Holy shit, this guy is a media megastar. +5

He always keeps the conversation flowing with any celebrity he’s speaking with. Even if they are super boring, nervous or fucked up on drugs, he knows what to do. He even took getting ashed on by Sacha Baron Cohen like a champ, and will use the media coverage of it for promotional needs. +1

He’s so obsessed with clean teeth and fresh breath, that he paired up with Crest and Scope to help children with mouth deformities. What a specific charity! And a nice guy. +5

He parodied himself in Knocked Up. Good for him. A sense of humor is always a good thing. +3 

This explains everything. You’re gonna be a star, kid. You just wait. Image via usmagazine.com

Seacrest will know what dress you’re wearing before you walk up to him on the red carpet. He knows everything. A straight guy into fashion? Yes please. +2

The Score

22

Ok, I fucking love Ryan Seacrest and I’m not on the fence about him at all. Which I feel weird about, because I don’t know anyone who thinks anything about Ryan Seacrest. But I can’t find anything wrong with him.  But really. He’s such a moot point, but he’s everywhere you look. I also think he gets looked over for cuteness because he’s short (Shortys need luv 2) and he’s Ryan Seacrest. You know?

He’s managed to be involved in so many gigantic projects in television, he has the most amazing jobs in media and is always a professional. In this day and age a guy with a job, let alone 5 that pay him millions upon millions, is something to look up to. Good goin, Seacrest. I’m not embarrassed that I think you’re fantastic. I think.