O Rly? Newt Gingrich is outta the race for the GOP

Image via businessinsider.com

Farewell, Newt! He’s officially out of the race to be our dear leader.

He liked the moon and hated everyone else. But to be honest, the moon shit woulda been awesome. But there are real problems earthbound my friend, that we must attend to first. Like energy, food and what to do with the Kardashians.

May you find solace in reruns of Parks and Recreation and takeout from Noodles & Company, like the rest of us.

Politik: Why are these people the Republican candidates?

Look how cute. They're playing dress up again. Bless their hearts! Image via onntv.com

Every time I hear a soundbite of the Republican political trail, I have to remind myself what kind of crazy is speaking and why I shouldn’t get red-in-the-face pissed off.

It seems pointless to even speak about the candidates who wish to run against Obama, because there isn’t even a chance in ironic hell that any of these people would be nominated to be President of the United States over Obama. But let’s give crazy a fun gander anyways, shall we?

The 2012 Republican candidate nominees

He looks quiet, yet he's probably thinking about how immoral your sex life is. Or death in utero and the Netherlands. Bummer. Photo via theatlantic.com

Rick Santorum pretty much wants to be a Christian moral guide for a country that is supposed to have religious liberties. Funny, I haven’t heard much about his foreign policies or anything else besides him talking about sex, death and abortion, none of which are our biggest problems nationally nor globally. Fetish, anyone?

Mitt Romney is a rich, white guy who is so out of touch with the country and people he wants to lead. He pays less taxes than the masses, and wants us to sympathize with the banks throughout the whole economic crisis. He’s right. The poor banks. He also probably bathes in money, eats gold salt on his mungbean salads and then attaches a small, immigrant family to the top of his car, for charity.

Ron Paul is the moderate-who-leans-right-man’s wet, political dream. I get the libertarian appeal. And to be honest, he definitely is the least crazy of the candidates.

RP, you are the least crazy of the bunch and probably the most in touch with reality. Good for you. Image via wethepeopleforpaul.com

But really, he wants to extend Bush tax cuts for the rich, yet accept an almost $40,000 a year salary to “stand with the American People,” from his “Plan to Restore America.” Restore it to what, exactly? His message sounds a lot more like ad-libs using “constitutional government,” “freedom-loving Americans” and “cut spending” in every grammatically correct free space. He likes peace though. If only the rest of his ideas were as good as that one.

 Newt Gingrich. Gingy as I like to think of him in my head. Probably my favorite candidate because I believe he truly IS a sociopath. Left a sick wife for another blonder, scarier, mistress-y wife who probably eats children, likes moon colonies, and wants to run America under what sounds like a “Freedom Dictatorship because Newt Rocks” agenda that’s written on his 7th grade trapper keeper. His doodles are good too.

Lessons learned

This woman will eat your soul, and then wear your face to bed. Would you want this to be first lady? Photo via sternfannetwork.com

So what have we learned about the Republican candidates? Just put the word freedom, liberty, cut spending and God in front of anything you want to do, and somehow, somewhere, you will be a republican candidate for presidency. Because people really enjoy being told by religious nuttys and millionaires how to live their lives and that they really aren’t all that poor. Who knew it was that easy?!

20poorandfabulous 2016.

“Freedom, Liberty, God, Justice, Blogs, Free ice cream for people named Steve, and Mac computers for all Latinos who can dance really well. Because this is the United States, dammit!”

Zetus Lapetus! Foo Fighters want to record in space!!!

Space boys. Image via mxdwn.com

Zetus Lapetus! I bet you haven’t heard that in a while!

The Foo Fighters reportedly want to record in SPACE. They would be the first rock band, or any band for that matter to do so. Maybe they’ll back Newt Gingrich and have a music recording sesh party on the moon! Nah, they can do it without his crazy lurking around craters and harshin’ their vibe. He’d probably murder them and steal their music. Who’s the pirate now, Gingy?

This is a totally cool idea. And totally part of the plot of Zenon Girl of the 21st Century, that I am DYING TO WATCH now.

My early aught girlfriends. That's so Raven you guys! Pure gold. Those are some sick outfits too. Image via isambie.blogspot.com

I guess Beyoncé and Jay-Z wanted to be firsties to record in space. And to  be honest, they certainly have a TON of money and connections, probably more so than the Foo Fighters do. But for some reason, I think rock music in space would be way cooler than R&B/hip-hop.

I don’t doubt that Bey and Jay could make some sick music in the space waves, but I don’t you think rock music would sound even more badass in space? Plus, Protozoa showed us it’s pretty f-ing cool.

Besides, it may look a little something like this (ok it won’t at all but shit, it’s Protozoa!!!!!!!):

Politik: Rick Perry is out, Gingrich cheated on his wife for 6 years

Oooooo. Thank you, universe. Rick Perry, or George Bush 2.0 has cut his losses and dropped out of the GOP candidacy race. Hating on gays will get you nowhere, Mr. Perry. I hope you’ve learned your lesson!

Newt and his third wife, Callista Gingrich. You know, the one he had an affair with for 6 years when he was still married. Photo: Gage Skidmore
Newt and his third wife, Callista Gingrich. You know, the one he had an affair with for 6 years when he was still married. Photo: Gage Skidmore

Newt Gingrich, on the other hand, has been outed by his 2nd wife as allegedly wanting an open marriage. Which normally wouldn’t shock people too much, except for the fact that he’s running on a conservative, jerk-face platform, and I guess open marriages are frowned upon in the conservative, republican milieu.

His former wife, Marianne Gingrich, said Newt wanted an open marriage after admitting he had an affair with one of his aides for 6 years during their marriage. If that isn’t bad enough, Newt left Marrianne, when she was DIAGNOSED WITH MS, to marry the other woman, who is his current wife Callista Gingrich.

What kind of huge piece of shit cheats on his wife for 6 YEARS? Newt Gingrich, we’re looking at YOU. Also, what kind of bitch has an affair with a married man for 6 years? Callista Gingrich, we’re looking at YOU. Shit or get off the pot you jerks.

What is WRONG with politicians, man? I would rather a candidate come out with all of his dirty laundry first before being distracted from actual new stories about their philandering ways. “I smoke and I like hookers but dammit, I will not lie to the American public about my life or my intentions in office!” Sigh, if only. It’s no shock that politicians lie to the American public about their lives. Creating a false image of family togetherness is something all politicians, regardless of party, are guilty of. Right, John Edwards? If they lie about things like family life to get votes, what ELSE could they lie about?! Policy, promises, faith, etc.

Look, politicians and future politicos, you seem to be the biggest liars, probably of all time. Cut the crap, tell the truth. Change the game, instead of looking like jerks 24/7.