THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING: Ashlee Simpson to release bad album

Image via celeblowdown.com. What the fuck look is she going for here.

GO TO HER WEBSITE. WATCH AND LISTEN. WHO SAID THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? Oh, dear God. The quiet, festering death crash and burn of this new Ashlee Simpson album is going to be insane. There’s a countdown on her website. Last time I checked, anyone my age who listened to Ashlee Simpson in the confusing days of high school does not ever listen to her anymore. Not even as a joke. This girl is so uncool that nobody would even be listening ironically (i hate that sentence, but you know it’s true).

EVIDENCE this will blow

She got caught lip-synching on SNL (which is the first thing that pops up on youtube after you type her name in), and by the way it is painful every time to watch. She used to have a reality tv show on MTV. She was married to and then divorced to Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy who hasn’t really done anything musically in yeeeears. She had a baybay. Two years ago, She was rumored to be working on a folk album. A FOLK ALBUM. A nose job, a short haircut. WHO IDENTIFIES WITH YOU. She seriously might be a sociopath. Think about it: if she was actually cool, then she’d know that she isn’t cool. The more you know.

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Listen: Stereolab

I’m three listens into Stereolab’s “Emperor Tomato Ketchup” (1996) and it gets better with every turn. The name of the song sounds silly, I know. Until you listen and the pretty french vocals come in over the video gamey-surfer-synth and make you feel like you’re 4 champagnes in on a technicolor beach.

The rest of the album is that cool too. I’m listening to the entire album as I type, which is confusingly titled Emperor Tomato Ketchup (until I googled that name shit cuz I ain’t no hella lazy bitch). They get the album title from a 1971 Japanese film titled:

TOMATO KECCHAPPU KÔTEI

Image via mubi.com

This album upon first listen sounds like something I should have known my whole life. Maybe just because it sounds like a mix of things I’ve heard before, but different and lovingly familiar at the same time. It’s chill yet energetic. I can’t even pick favorite songs yet, that’s how good it is. Listen to the entire album here while you’re hanging around sometime. It’s totally fucking worth it.

Amazing: Honey Boo Boo’s uncle Lee Thompson aka Uncle Poodle on bullying

I think this family is going to make an impact on the average Joe of America. Think about it: they are not a glamorous representation of society a la RHOWhatever. They are self-described rednecks who live very average lives in the south, but have a tv show because they are charming and into pageantry. My thought is that any redneck/southerner/generally horrible person who is a homophobe but has a knack for reality TV on TLC (which is a little gay), might identify with these folks and become a more accepting, better part of society. We can only hope.

Honey Boo Boo God save the South.

Listen: Candyman “Knockin’ Boots”

Oh my god. Wait until the woman kicks in, you will most definitely know some version of the song, whether it be from the original (as far as I can tell) 1977 version or the Janet Jackson and Shaggy version (yikes, what a combo). Either way, I knew this song from the Shaggy/JJ recording and was pleasantly surprised to discover, like most songs from the 90s, that it had a couple predecessors that far outreached the latter version’s potential. The chorus is one of those rare batches of perfection, because it is so recognizable and has been sampled like a snack tray at your rich cousins wedding. This shit stands the test of time.

Off topic:

Fuck Janet Jackson for not being in the “Luv Me Luv Me” video with Shaggy. I mean, I get it. It IS Shaggy. But Shaggy was a legend for like ALL of middle school. I guess karma served her due to the fact that she hasn’t had a hit (that I can remember) since “All For You“, which is a great song but an awkward, very dated music video. I cringe at early aught video concepts, i.e. “super-fly urban gals” and “holy shit, millennium robots!” and money wasted on suuuuuper dumb effects that were probably really cool then but just make us uncomfortable now. However, I’m sort of glad our awkward, preteen years over the turn of the millennium were coupled with an awkward society in general.

Die Antwoord disses Lady Gaga in video for “Fatty Boom Boom”

Image via egotripland.com

You know, it’s always a good laugh when celebrities start a public fight. Because really, Die Antwoord using Lady Gaga’s image and likeness in their new music video for “Fatty Boom Boom” is generating way more buzz and attention around a video and a song that a lot of people probably didn’t care about before. Ahh, marketing! Little Monsters are probably watching it and simultaneously placing hexes on Die Antwoord from the upstairs bedrooms of their parents house. All in the name of views, statistics, and ad revenue.

Dems fighten words. Image via twitter.com

It is surprising that Lady Gaga’s ego got the best of her. No wait, it isn’t. The song for the vid isn’t even that good, and isn’t NEARLY as bangin’ as their first big US hit “I Fink U Freeky.” Yeah it sucks when people talk shit, but are you really gonna get upset about a zef jam group from South Africa who dress in black face/body at least once a week, that had surprising, probably temporary world success this year? Dayum. Ego-tastic.

Plus, way to pull an Eminem and talk shit about all the “popular, superficial sell outs”, while you’re using them to become more successful. What an original idea!

This feud is already boring.  NEXT!

Relationships: Facebook displays of affection

O great. Image via drunkenstepfather.com

So I’ve been Facebook stalking a high school acquaintance of mine. It is, for the most part, the craziest wall I have ever read on Facebook since 2006 when we were all but young bucks puking on each other ripe on the vine of life. The ups and downs of this kid’s love life and the people he/she interacts with are nothing short of astonishing. In the few weeks I’ve been following the story, there has been a faked suicide, supposed teenage polyamory, and more declarations of love than you could ever imagine. It’s like a goddamn hormone farm of bad grammar and terrible life choices. AND IT’s SO JUICY.

Nevertheless, JESUS CHRIST. All this very public talk about how much you love somebody and displaying conversations that should without a doubt be private are plastered across our newsfeeds and are ABSOLUTELY begging us to get involved and inevitably mock. It’s the internet, that’s what its there for. Because honestly, any sane adult would have the tact and life experience to know that if you’re constantly, CONSTANTLY posting/writing/spamming about how in love you are, chances are you’re probably doing it for the attention.

I’m sure it feels nice sir. But kindly keep the photographic evidence on your Dell. Image via youngchubby.net

Don’t get me wrong: one or two posts once in a while from a stable and actually in love/sane couple who still acknowledge their individuality is all gravy. Love should be celebrated! But a fucking paragraph every night explaining to the hopeless world how nobody “gets” your love? PUKE. It’s a game I just made up like to call Young Love, Low Intelligence Adult, or Bullshit. It’s also insulting to everyone who has ever been in love in the history of love, because EVERYONE feels that way about their person of the moment. Puh-leaze. Ain’t nothin special goin on there kids. Unless, when you lock eyes, the known universe reveals its secrets to you, but only if she farts into your mouth and pees on your teeth simultaneously. Because everyone knows THAT’S Real Love®. HOLLA

 

Dating: No ifs, ands, or buds

YUP. Image via sheknows.com

You know when you’re flirting with someone, and you’re pretty sure it’s going well? Or when someone is flirting with you, and you can tell they think it’s going well even though you’re like “aw hell nah”? It’s a relatable feeling around the globe. But one thing that is never, EVER acceptable during this human mating ritual that is flirting, is calling someone bud.

Hear me out. I had an ex once, who, after we broke up, started calling me bud. What am I, the dirty kid across the street that drinks all your milk and eats all your snacks after a rousing game of Mario Kart? I don’t fucking think so.

He called her bud. Then they did a bunch of meth. Do you want that for your life? fark.com

Or, like today, when my roommate came home and told me quite an unfortunate story of a grad student attempting to flirt with her by calling her bud. Since when is calling someone bud a good idea? Really. Newsflash for the Boys in Crisis of America: if you want to get laid, do not ever call a girl bud. There is nothing sexy, exciting, or “I bet he has a full time job and a great dick” about the use of the word bud. 

Here are some tips for when to use the word bud:

  1. If you’ve ever orgasmed inside/on someone, do not call them bud.
  2. If you ever plan on orgasming inside/on someone, do not call them bud.
  3. Even if you are pretty sure it won’t work out, but something about the American dream has forced you to believe in attaining the impossible, do not call her bud.
  4. “Hey girl, you wanna smoke this bud?” Okay, this is fine.

See, it’s really not that hard: if you wanna get laid, offer her marijuana and for the love of god, do not call her bud. SEACREST OUT.