Ryan Lochte: America’s Next Top Famewhore

Image via fillinn.com

Ahh. The fresh, new yearnings of a baby famewhore! Their diapers are full of lost dignity and sentence structure, and their tummys are gassy with commercial deals that will make them millions and probably involve child slavery in Asia. It always does.

He’s already acting, and it’s proving to be quite the feat for the Olympic Gold medal winner. This guy has left absolutely no time in between his Olympic dreams and publicity schemes. A True American Hero. Hey, that would make a great reality show name for the deal he is currently seeking. Olympic Dreams to Hollywood Schemes. I demand royalties!

His first acting spot is on the this show is still on? pristine and delicate piece of television history, also known as the 90210 reboot. This is what he had to say about diving head first (heh) into acting:

“Memorizing lines, and trying to like, say them and still like, do movement and all that. That was hard.”

Truly inspiring, Ryan. I can’t wait until he starts to get really engrained in celebrity life. I hope he starts a blog called “Jeah Boi: Ryan Lochte’s Truly-Amazing-Can’t-Get-Enough-Baller-on-Baller-Status Adventures in H-Wood HOLLA MUNEY.” However, he’s got a long way to go. If he truly wants to stay on top, he’s gotta release a sex tape, get a public fake marriage, make foreign children sew together a shitty fashion line for Sears and then start fucking Kanye West. I have faith. A new star has been born.

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Gross: The Bachelor

I’m ok with The Bachelor. Mostly because it’s keeping people like that together and out of actual society, if only for a sweet, sweet moment. 

I hate the entire premise of this show. Desperate women fighting for a literal piece of shit (actually that would be way more interesting.) I’d rather give myself paper cuts on my face for the rest of the year than talk to anyone who is on this show. The relationships never work out anyways and the men and women on the show fulfill the most dated and annoying gender stereotypes imaginable.

I hope on every season, every episode for that matter, that one of the Bachelor’s dates gets too drunk and throws up on his face. #dreams