If you’re bored right now watch this: Half Ton Killer

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Half Ton Killer.

It’s a fascinating murder mystery with a woman who weighs more than half a ton. And you can’t stop watching. There’s tacos and burgers in bed with a twist of death. Sad, but compelling.

Also there’s something about winter that just makes you wanna watch murder shows involving the heaviest recorded woman alive. U WELCOME.

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Cory Monteith’s last movie trailer looks really good

Here is the trailer for “All the Wrong Reasons,” the last film of GLEE sta Cory Monteith. It looks really good too. An indie flick about how shitty life can be but also how it can be cool. HEY, THAT’S LIKE RILL LIFE! But sadsies to see someone in a film that looks great who has passed away before the film was released. Bittersweet to say the least.

Kevin Zegers is also in this movie, who was the main kid in the first Air Bud movie. That’s all I think about when I look at him, but he’s had a pretty impressive film career since then. I guess shooting hoops with an amazing dog is a great way to start ANY career, amirite?!

kevin zegers air bud

Liz and Dick was exactly what you’d expect

Image via goldderby.com
Image via goldderby.com

Oh dear. By now you’ve either read all the horrible reviews of Liz and Dick, or you’ve actually seen the movie and know what’s what. Well, here are my thoughts.

  1. Lindsay Lohan was either playing a present-day version of Liz Taylor, or a 60s version of Lindsay Lohan.
  2. The guy who played Dick is WAAAAY too fucking old! Why would they pick him to be Richard Burton? I might have believed Aaron Carter more.
  3. The costumes were fucking AWESOME. At least Lindsay Lohan had some sweet fucking threads to wear. She definitely looked better in this movie than she does in any paparazzi shot, even with the cheek implants!
  4. Creed from The Office is in this movie. Also, Miranda’s boyfriend/baby daddy from Sex and the City. They do Lifetime
    Image via eonline.com
    The smoking scenes in the movie were the moments when Linds really shined. Image via eonline.com

    movies too!

  5. I’m not sure Lindsay’s shoddy performance was ENTIRELY her fault. The entire breaking-down-the-fourth-wall flashes where Liz and Dick were speaking directly to the audience was SUCH a horrible call. What kind of good director would EVER think that’s a good idea? I thought somebody decided that nobody likes breaking the fourth wall? I know I hate it. WE WANT TO BELIEVE DAMMIT!
  6. Granted, we were trying to play the Liz and Dick drinking game, so memories of most of the movie get fuzzy. But the story seemed hard to follow regardless with all the scene jumping and bad wigs.
  7. Lindsay really looked at home whenever she had a cigarette in her hands or a bottle of vodka to pull from. Method acting/her IRL behavior.

It is starting to feel gross making fun of Lindsay Lohan. This was the best she could do, and a pretty accurate view of why she was even filming a Lifetime movie in the first place. However, it is crucial to note that an equal amount of blame for this bad Lifetime movie should fall on the writers, producers and director. Regardless of the actors, Liz and Dick is a steaming pile all on its own without Lindsay’s wobbly star power to reel in the ratings.

Sidenote: gross, Danielle Fishel. Topanga has suddenly found her star reignited, so she made a spoof of Lindsay’s Liz on The Soup. It’s almost like making fun of Britney post head-shaving. Not cool bitch. Nobody was thinking of you a week ago, and now you’re shitting on a crazy actress with substance abuse problems who hits Floridan psychics?! Ugh, get off your Disney channel high horse you turd!

If you’re not watching “Damages” you need to seriously reevaluate your Netflix subscription

Image via collider.com

Remember the days of “oohs!” and “aahs!” when it came to your Netflix instant queue? I HAVE to watch that. I heard the juxtaposition of post-modernity and consumerism coupled with Brad Pitt’s abs will scintillate both mind and loins. A cinematic mung bean fricassee for all! Well my friends, those days are long gone. No longer are we met with endless upon endless films that systematically wet our mind, body and soul. Because you’ve either already seen it, re-watched it a couple times (Arrested Development never gets old) or can’t get through the first 5 minutes of some British TV show that’s supposed to be funny, but just ends up being the poor man’s version of the 2012 London Olympic opening ceremony.

More or less a summary of the 2012 Olympic Opening ceremony. Gif via media.photobucket.com

Among all the terrible, horrible, good-for-nothing things on Netflix, there remains a couple gems that may have slipped under your radar. One of them is Damages

Here are three things I’ve learned so far from watching season 1 of Damages and why you should definitely be watching:

  1. What I find most appealing and thought provoking is that every single character solidifies the idea that there is no inherent good or bad in this world. And god damn is it refreshing. It never gives in to a society-at-large that wishes with all its Christmas spirit that cut-and-dried, good and evil truly exist. Instead, Damages exposes us to the cold hard fact that we live in a spectral continuum of being a huge dick or being pretty cool. In other words: Black and White, meet 50 billion shades of self-righteous gray.
  2. Glenn Close. GLENN CLOSE. When I was little and exposed to her in the live-action version 101 Dalmatians, I was like “that lady is MEAN!” and I didn’t care much for her. As I am older and a bit wiser, I realize what an uninformed jerk I was at 7. She is a phenomenal actress, and is the absolute anchor of this series in one of the best roles ever written on television.  Her portrayal of Patty Hewes has you questioning EVERYTHING about anything, whether it be character motives on the show, things in your own life, or why your stoned friend is eyeing the fuck out of your dessert.
  3. Trust no one. Is it a product of living in an untrustworthy society, or is it a dramatic, Hollywood interpretation of wading through the waters of Société Elite? Probably both. All I know is that if you have to ask someone if they can be trusted, they’re probably going to end up killing you right before they eat a mediocre sandwich. The more you know!

Lady Gaga’s first movie role in “Machete Kills”

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WHAT!!!! I am blindsided by this news! Lady Gaga has already finished filming her first movie role as La Chameleon in Robert Rodriguez’s latest film “Machete Kills“. This should be interesting. I am absolutely shocked, in this day and age of media and Internet gossip, that this wasn’t public knowledge before. Kudos to everyone who worked on this movie and kept the secret!

Television: “Bored to Death” movie?

 

Um, YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE. We could all use some more Jonathan Ames & co. You can never have enough Ted Danson/Zach Galifianakis sidekick action. NEVER!!!!! Plus, the love between these three male friends is such a unique take on male friendships in general. It really shows that dudes aren’t just obsessed with pussy or trying to fight some ugly dudes over chicks that don’t care 24/7. Unlike Entourage, ew. Those guys are grade A beef farts.

Bored to Death Could Continue as HBO TV Movie – Hollywood Reporter.