Olympics: What the fuck NBC!!!

Image via extratv.com

NBC is SO dropping the ball with the Olympics coverage of London 2012.

First of all, why would they want to impede ANYONE from seeing the beauty that is the olympic athletes? Good lord, those men and women are supa fine. Ryan Lochte, however mundane yet innocent his twitter feed may be, is one good lookin’ piece of gold medal history. And the swimmers! Ye Shiwen just broke a world record AND was faster than all the boys, all at 16! (Of course now there are doping allegations. But fuck that until it’s proven bitches, cuz ladies rule and boys are slow)

Second, the Olympics are a world game. It’s supposed to be a global celebration of sport that we can all enjoy and root for our countries. But how are we supposed to do that when NBC has the absolute worst producers ever? I don’t wanna watch Jeopardy Kids in the middle of the day. Where are the game reruns bitches?! Thanks to not being able to mold my schedule to the shitty NBC scheduling of the Olympics, I missed women’s gymnastics which is THE SHIT. Who knows how many countless people are feeling the same strife.

I bet they use Internet Explorer over at NBC. Figures. Image via fitperez.com

Now, you’d think “Hey, it’s the age of the internet! They must be live streaming and uploading videos of the games to rewatch constantly!” NOPE. In an attempt to show my friend the AWFUL London opening ceremony, I was aghast. The footage was nowhere to be found. Not on NBC’s website and not in any pages I could find in the days following the ceremony.But lo and behold, Beijing’s was on NBC’s website. Thank God, because that’s fucking relevant!

On top of that, you have to have a specific cable subscription to live stream on the internet. Is NBC in such bad shape that they can’t afford to live stream the Olympics?  Would they not make more money from running live streaming internet ads? Who dropped the ball on this?! It’s 2012 for God sakes. You can watch your neighbor jerk off on a webcam, but for some ungodly reason you can’t find good Olympic coverage on the internet. SO. LAME.

Let’s hope another big network gets the games next time, because this is excruciating. Feel free to voice annoyances over at their lackluster twitter!

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How a Woman’s Orgasm Can Save a Man via Jezebel

 

What an amazing picture (so true) and an interesting article on female orgasms and the possible rise of men who feel less like pieces of shit ’cause they actually know how to please a lady.

The comment section of this article is interesting too, because the topic of faking orgasms is brought up. Faking orgasms will make us lose the fight against the terrorists, ladies. Plus it makes dudes think they are good at something they clearly are not. Honesty is key, especially when you’re naked.

How a Womans Orgasm Can Save a Man.

Lady Gaga’s first movie role in “Machete Kills”

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WHAT!!!! I am blindsided by this news! Lady Gaga has already finished filming her first movie role as La Chameleon in Robert Rodriguez’s latest film “Machete Kills“. This should be interesting. I am absolutely shocked, in this day and age of media and Internet gossip, that this wasn’t public knowledge before. Kudos to everyone who worked on this movie and kept the secret!

Dayum! Kristen Stewart cheating pics, so much (alleged) tongue

Image via Usweekly.com

Scandalous!!!! But really? In a car? If I was followed constantly like her, it’s like almost wanting to get caught. Maybe she let him go down on her in a car to get caught and feel human, maybe come down from the millionairess-adored-by-billions-of-vampire-addicts cloud she sat on last week.

Or maybe it’s a feminist move, like “hey, women can cheat too!” Which is kinda bullshit that she’ll take more flack for this whole mess. Yes, she broke a sparkly, British vampire’s heart and is waaay more famous than this previously no name director. But Rupert Sanders has two kids and is MARRIED. That’s a lot larger of a bond to break with your dick than a girl in a relationship gettin’ it on with her clit. Truth!

Dayuuuuum he is dreamy. Sadsies all around. Image via fanpop.com

What a shitty situation for EVERYONE involved. Cheating never ends well. The cheaters always sound SO insincere when they apologize. Via People, Kristen released this statement:

“I’m deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I’ve caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry.”

And from Rupert Sanders:

“I am utterly distraught about the pain I have caused my family,” Sanders tells PEOPLE in an exclusive statement. “My beautiful wife and heavenly children are all I have in this world. I love them with all my heart. I am praying that we can get through this together.”

I think I’ll write a song called “I Love Him, I Love Him (I’m So Sorry)”. Fucking gold. But really, it’s pointless to lambast either of them because people make mistakes. However, the affair/tryst/romp in the car happened last week, so who knows if it would have gone on for longer or not. It is, however, highly unfortunate that all of this had to be dealt with in the media. It’s embarrassing for everyone involved.

And now we wait for Robert Pattinson to comment. Come on! It’s been almost a whole day! (I’m so sorry)

While you’re at it, F me on Facebook

What’s up with all the engagements on Facebook?

I find this oddly endearing. It’s better than rose petals, that’s for damn sure. Image via unionversity.com

I swear there has been an increase in engagements on Facebook just in the past couple of weeks. Perhaps it’s due in part to the fact that summer may be halfway over, and happy enough couples are scrambling to fulfill their happy (!) quota for the season. Or maybe they need to book NOW to get a decent place for a summer wedding. What’s better than a fall and winter full of engagement photos, questions about napkin sizes and where to seat people you don’t really like!?

No. Image via perfect-wedding-day.com

I can handle an engagement here and there. Maybe once a month, but that may be pushing it. When it’s my actual life friends, I’m truly overjoyed. When it’s a parade of Pinterest addicts you met in high school math class and their boyfriends in middle management who jerk off to Hentai, my feelings take a different, less enthusiastic turn.

I’ve deduced some possible reasons for the influx of our acquaintance’s recent engagements:

  • Election year! They love the idea of getting married in front of their homosexual friends, because it’s always fun to do stuff other people can’t, much like rolling your tongue or weird finger tricks
  • Cute people are convinced they won’t find anyone better, or that their cuteness might run out (sunscreen and gym will fix that)
  • Settling for a guy/gal with a decent job. Not good, but decent, which is sadly relevant in today’s economy
  • Someone is pregnant with “traditional” parents (which really means the newlyweds are spineless hamfarts)
  • Shared mortgages are secretly an aphrodisiac
  • Splitting the cable bill, rent and AC sure beats paying for it by yourself

The divorce rate in this country is 50%, or something close to that. So, technically, that means that half of all these marriages are gonna end by one of the following:

  • Hidden tiny hand fetish
  • Gay
  • My Strange Addiction participant
  • An affair with a former Teen Mom
  • Online gambling/video game second life addict
  • Farts
  • An unhealthy obsession with fictional supporting characters of one season television series on the now defunct WB

There are just so many uncertainties in a world full of crap relationships and blood diamonds, that we’ll just have to let the swift hand of fate deal their cards. But you believe me this: We can suck it up through the wedding photos, bachelorette parties and beef jerky dancefloors knowing that at the end of this dark tunnel, there is a light. Divorces have to be entertaining, right? Then we can REALLY watch some shit unfold on Facebook. Invest in your defriends wisely.  One day, these newlyweds may make great divorcées. It could be their calling. Who wouldn’t want them to fulfill their destiny? Besides, There’s nothing better than a “new independent woman” with a Facebook status to update. I almost can’t wait.

Happy engagements!