Christina Aguilera starring in: Another Bad Performance

This. Is. HORRIFYING. Christina Aguilera performed a medley of songs off her latest disappointing album at the AMAs last night and holy shit. This is not a comeback. This is an embarrassing attempt to be relevant.

I was willing to take her new album Lotus in my arms in the small chance that it was going to be like Stripped, or even Back to Basics. But good god, could it be any more apparent that she got the floor scraps from Rihanna, Britney and Ke$ha’s producers?

First of all, the first single off of Lotus (which got horrible reviews btw) is titled “Your Body”. Over the past couple of years, her appearance has shocked pretty much everyone and has been a huge topic whenever Xtina is brought into the conversation. So without listening to the song, you’d think it’d be some kind of body empowerment which is a pretty socially relevant topic. Maybe something a la “Born This Way” by Miz GaGa. But no. It’s about literally fucking bodies. The uncensored version sounds like she really wants to fuck dead bodies. Necrophilia ain’t cool unless there’s a teen novel that idolizes it. Did nobody tell her this? Is she really that hard to work with? Is she really that out of touch? (yes, yes she is.)

Boring. Image via

The thing is, Christina is SO out of touch with what’s cool or even relevant, that she can’t even pull of a decent performance. Her AMAs performance is a shitty rip off of not only herself circa her “Beautiful” empowerment era, but a not-even-trying-to-hide-it rip off of Lady Gaga’s last album. Instead of empowering others, Lotus is more of a self-righteous, self-indulgent outcry of “I’m talented, I’M CHRISTINA AGUILERA, the never-as-famous-or-interesting-as-Britney, ipso facto, WORSHIP ME HEATHENS. And buy my shithole album, wink!”

I can’t wait until people stop reveling in her decade ago relevancy/talent and make her actually work for her name. Because for real, that performance wasn’t SHIT. It’s even more disappointing because everyone knows she could do better because of the voice. I mean, it’s cool to have a good voice, but Jesus CHRIST. Find some style. Have a relevant stage show. Look healthy. Do something besides remind us how talented you used to be, and how embarrassing you are now.

Facebook political season Part 1: Kill me now

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Oh great. In the eternal words of Mortal Kombat, “It has begun!”

Yet another season of “Why MY political candidate is the new Jesus and not yours.” Throw in a “Go America!” or a “Fuck America!” depending on intelligence.

I’m either gonna develop a drinking problem, get hooked on pills or delete my facebook account until November. It’s exhausting reading so many spelling and grammar mistakes and general flawed logic while ranting about the other side discussing politics on Facebook.

So, wonderful readers, tell your stupid friends to kindly “wake up, you turds. Politicians are liars. Choose the least evil one and get on with your life. No politician in the history of politics has EVER done every single thing they said they were going to do during their campaign.” Or at least think it in your head because talking to anyone on facebook these days is a huge drag.

Uh, can he be President? Image via

If all our idiot facebook acquaintances we went to high school with could remember back to 6th grade social studies, they would know there’s these little things called the House of Representatives and the Senate. You know, as a way to SHARE POWER and not let just one person decide everything. Otherwise that would technically be a dictatorship. But they probably only think brown people who don’t speak English and don’t have Walmarts can live under dictatorships. Those silly kids fully developed adults!

Let’s get one thing straight: Times are tough. Well, tough-ish. Not being able to buy everything one wants all the time isn’t really considered tough by like, 90% of the world. No one politician short of God him/her/itself can solve all of our problems immediately. I think it’s forgotten that we have things like Congress set in place to do checks and balances. Those checks and balances take time, y’all.

We know who the democratic candidate is, Mr. Obama. Has a law degree, prior work experience, ok cool. But seriously, I could find a better set of republican candidates on the bottom of my shoe after a walk through a shitty park. That’s all they could come up with? There is no doubt in my mind that Obama will be re-elected. Santorum? Gingrich? Skin bags full of crazy. Romney? Rich asshole. Paul? Nice try, sweetheart.

Yup. THAT GUY wants to run our country, ladies. I don't fucking think so. Image via

Nonetheless, it really makes me sad to see people putting all their faith behind any one candidate to be elected for President. Why? Let’s not divide this way, folks. It’s an old trick. Split the population, make us think we’re a “divided” nation, just to have either candidate do the same shit they always do. The entire republican vs. democrat shit is embarrassing for anyone older than 16 and not in high school government class. Honestly. It doesn’t do us any good.

We as people need to figure out what we want (remember that little thing called the constitution that says “We the People“?), not be told what we want by any candidate on any spot of the political spectrum. It’s not okay for politicians to tell US what to do. We tell THEM what to do, dammit. Let’s as a nation have a little bit of self respect for once.

Until we find ourselves united, there will be so so SO many facebook political gems just around the corner from every login. Happy FBP season, and please don’t kill yourself over all the stupidity. We need you.

Celebrité: How has this gone unnoticed? Christina Aguilera’s fragrance ads are lying

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Ok. What?

While searching for the SNL Downton Abbey skit on Kabletown, I came across this ad for Christina Aguilera’s fragrance blandly titled Royal Desire. Buuutttt something seems a little off, as I don’t remember when she looked like that. Nobody does!

She is much curvier than ad executives would like us to think. But who cares! Photo via
She is much curvier than ad executives would like us to think. But who cares! Photo via

Now, this is not meant to lambast dear Xtina or her body: She’s an amazing singer who is going through a bit of an awkward phase professionally and I can only assume personally. But I don’t really think placing ads everywhere of her looking like she did when her music career began is helping anything, especially the sales of her fragrance.

What, do these ad execs really think we don’t read the internet EVERYDAY and see posts and pictures about Christina Aguilera from the past 2 years? She’s on TV every week for christsake! It’s just insulting, to Christina and the public. I mean, it is HER they are using to sell this fragrance, right? Nobody knows her as a size 0 anymore, she’s curvy!

I’m pretty sure these pictures were taken a while ago, but still. If your spokesperson, or the woman who “created” the fragrance, grew an arm out of her face, and EVERYONE knew about it, wouldn’t you need to have a picture with the arm-face on the product you’re selling?

And really, I fucking hate the “embrace the curvy” or “How I lost the weight of a small child” type shit in People magazine parades around. People gain weight, and they lose it. It’s really not that interesting. But at least be honest about it. It’s human!


Ridiculous: Ark Music Factory

You’ve probably, and hopefully, forgotten about the Ark Music Factory kids. You know, the production company the tripped, fell on a mixer and produced “Friday” by Rebecca Black.

Mean Girls FTW. Photo via
Mean Girls FTW. Photo via

I’m not gonna lie, I’ve spent a fair amount of time browsing songs and “stars” on the AMF website. And boy, are they special. You can see it in their mediocre eyes, how much they want to be stars. But unfortunately, no matter how hard their parents push them to be stars, or how much the kids themselves demand it, or how much their parents fork over for a shitty song and music video, the vast majority of these kids won’t even have the luck to be a real joke on the internet.

Flavorwire summed it up nicely:

It turns out Rebecca Black is merely one of many products from the brilliant entrepreneurs Patrice Wilson and Clarence Jey, who run Ark Music Factory, an LA based production company designed to take advantage of super-rich kids with pop-star dreams, and their parents’ cash.”

I can’t even imagine what kind of music video and song I would have released had I been 12 with expendable cash and a penchant for stardom beyond my bedroom. cringe!

Really, I wonder how this is going to impact these kids growing up and learning that they aren’t talented. And I don’t mean it in a vicious way, but not everyone who has money to throw away is talented at singing, dancing and entertaining. Fact. Their parents are some pieces of work.

Anyways, CJ Fam is my favorite Ark Music Factory kid. She could (and should) headline the Curly Sue musical.

Her song, “Ordinary Pop Star” is so true.