On the fence: Justin Bieber

Whoa. Image via fanpop.com
Whoa. Image via fanpop.com

Justin Bieber.

Yes, growing up in the spotlight is difficult. He was supposed to be the modern-day Canadian equivalent to the humble, funny and talented Justin Timberlake. However, in recent months, Bieber has shown us just how fussy and annying a super-famous-mega-star baby of 18 years old can really be. Let’s examine what’s going on in the Bieberverse. (Is that a thing? I hate myself for writing that)

The Evidence

He accepted an award for Favorite Pop/Male Artist at the 2012 American Music Awards and dedicated it to”all the haters” which is SO LAME. Come on dude. No. -2

His music is fun. Don’t lie to yourself! Beauty and a Beat is a hella jam (Max Martin produced, so obvi!) Plus, he directed the video which is a really fun and well directed video. +5

ugh, teens. Image via idolator.com
ugh, teens. Image via idolator.com

He met the Canadian Prime Minister in an outfit best described as farm-douche chic. It’s not like their should be some fascist regime when it comes to style and meeting any head of state. It’s just super annoying. Eye roll! -2

He got mad at James Franco (who gets mad at James Franco? WTF?) for making a parody video of his song “Boyfriend”. The parody vid wasn’t even rude or anything, it was hilarious. Not having a sense of humor about your boy-toy status in the pop music industry? Self-awareness goes a long in H-wood Biebs. Get some. -3

Usher likes him. That’s cool, I guess? 0

Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift probably talk SO much shit about him. It would be scary to have those two against you, especially T-Swift. +2

His back story is amazing. I never finished his documentary, but watching him drum as a little kid proves that he was born with a natural talent for music. And his mom got it on tape! +5

His instagram is ridiculous. Body shots, selfies and now buttcrack. He’s like your friend’s gross little brother who farts in his hand and then throws it at you. Why are you showing your fanbase, KIDS AND TEENS AND QUESTIONABLE ADULTS, your buttcrack? Mooning is so 1983. Over! -1

He took his Grammy snubs alright, saying that “It’ll happen one day”. His manager was pissed though, saying on Twitter that “I just plain DISAGREE. The kid deserved it. Grammy board u blew it on this one.” Just be happy you have a job, you jags!!! -1

The Score

3

This is all I know about Justin Bieber. I think his music is fun, but his personality could use some growing up. Granted, he is still a teen and there is much needed time and room to grow. If we all had cameras following us and listening to our stupid teen opinions, we’d look like shitheads too. But come on! someone get him a decent PR adviser! It’s BEYOND time for that.

Image via daydreamstars.blogspot.com
Image via daydreamstars.blogspot.com
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On the fence: Christina Aguilera

Image via kovideo.net

Christina Aguilera has definitely been going through a poo-poo streak as of late. Her last album release was a strange mix of WTF and “I’m sexy dammit, I’M SEXY!!!” She’s gained some weight to the joy and chagrin of many, been called a drunk, a bitch, a cow, got her period at Etta James’ funeral, went through a divorce and had her latest album bomb. Holy moly. It’s all to a lesser degree compared to our Brit-brit, but still. Xtina has been in some shitty shit too.

Nevertheless, all the shit-talking that has been surrounding her poo-poo attitude about everything, I decided it was time to examine what makes Xtina so very X-ey about her.

The Evidence

Xtina has never come off as a nice, personable person. At her high school prom, everybody walked off the dance floor when her single “Genie in a Bottle” came on. Granted, high school kids are total jealous freaks who would obviously be pissed that their science fair project on carpet cleaners got upstaged by the voice of a generation. But maybe she was just rude too and everyone hated her. 0

Stripped was quite possibly one of the best pop albums of the last decade. For real. +20 

Image via amazon.com

Her diva attitude is no surprise. When you have a voice like Christina, it’s understandable. But the girl isn’t some weird genius musician who can get away with it. She forgets lyrics to the National Anthem, makes The Voice do reshoots (allegedly) if she looks fat in any shots and hasn’t put out a hit song by herself in many years. -5 

The last one is ok, but her style has always sort of been…off. Image via hollywooddame.com

She doesn’t have any good luck when it comes to publicity. Mtv totally screwed her on the publicity front during the infamous 3-way-ish kiss between herself, Madonna and Britney. Brit and M kissed first, and during Xtina’s smooch the camera cut to Britney‘s fresh ex-bf Justin Timberlake (GAWWWWWD I miss the Britney-Christina-JT drama!! Those were the days) Sadsies! 

Her latest album Bionic was a complete conceptual mess! Remember that song MIA wrote for her and she totally botched?! She tried to sing like MIA and it did not work. Which sucks because it’s a cool song but, no. -3

She went on tour with Justin Timberlake. The Stripped/Justified tour. WHY DIDN’T I GOOO!!!?!?!? +6

Her style is super weird. Granted many in the bubblegum pop era dressed like shit. But X-tina has never been a fashionista, and that’s failing part of your Pop Star Grade, honey. -1 

She sings live in concert. Which, sadly, for a singer, is something cool and impressive. +10

Her feud with Adam Levine is weird. How could anyone feud with the lead singer of Maroon 5, unless it’s all staged drama for ratings and to keep people talking about them (smart move, guys!) -2

The Score

25. I guess she isn’t all that bad. Her style is bad, but Stripped is one great pop album, and she has a nice voice. Good luck I guess?

On the fence: Jennifer Lopez

Image via hfwww.fanpop.com

I’m still I’m still Jenny from the block. Now, go get my fucking Evian and warm it to exactly 72 degrees. Then lightly spray in on my breadless sandwich, and stand 32 degrees away from me facing east. It’s best for digestion, peasant.” –Not an actual quote from Jennifer Lopez

Image via imdb.com

I’ve been on the fence with J-Lo ever since her movie with Ben Affleck totally ruined my life. Remember reading Gigli over and over and pronouncing it “giggly” and then being forever confused for the rest of your life? Thanks J-Lo, you dick.

In all seriousness, there’s a lot of cool and not so cool things about Jenny from the huge-fucking-mansion-in-the-gated-community (new song?). Let’s examine.

The Evidence

The tagline for the movie Gigli is: “The violent story about how a criminal lesbian, a tough-guy hit-man with a heart of gold, and a retarded man came to be best friends through a hostage.” And you’re telling me that movie was a flop? GET OUT! It actually sounds kind of genius. Like, Tropic Thunder genius. I bet someone went full retard. I hear you’re not supposed to do that. Gigli makes me miss the days where Hollywood could literally produce pieces of excrement and not even care if they were successful. I say, kudos to J-Lo for picking a movie with that tagline. +1

She totally changed Ben Affleck into a suity kind of bourgeois guy that we know he is not. He’s a Boston-y dude who likes beards and plaid. Plus, we shouldn’t change our significant others so dramatically. Getting them to do the dishes or cut down on cigarettes is way different than making them dress and act different. Boo! Maybe Benny was into it, but seeing as the wedding never happened and he’s back to beards and plaid, I’d say Jenny had a firm wrist in that relationship.

-3

She’s known for being a diva, but who isn’t? 0

Holla at a girl! I LOVED On the 6 when I was in middle school. That shit was my jam. Image via virginmedia.com

You can’t deny this bitch knows how to make some BANK. Celebrity clothing lines/perfumes (no matter how trashy) make a lot of money. Just look at Jessica Simpson and her billion dollar empire. J-Lo’s music career kind of revived itself with her clubby hit “On the Floor.” And who can forget her *amazing* acting career. She’s a stahhhh, so she gets s set amount of dough before each movie. That’s why you never see her in indie flicks. And lastly, her stint on American Idol, where pop stars kind of go to die. Right, Paula? Anyways, you can’t deny she is a successful and powerful lady who deserves the recognition for making a shit ton of moolah. +5

She picks really, really terrible movies to be in. -4

With the exception of Selena. +3

“On the 6” was fucking awesome. +3

She’s always handled her tabloid drama well. Divorces, marriages, rumors, etc. She’s got the media down. +5

Jenny represents her latino/a heritage well for an American born lady. It’s good to have a powerful woman around, not to mention a great, hot, successful latina running a bunch of shit. Good for her. +5

J-Lo got her start on In Living Color as a fly girl, which is probably the coolest start to a career anyone could ever have. +2

Image via people.com

She wasn’t born with a silver spoon in her future silver spoon-y mouth. +1

She’s known for not drinking alcohol or taking any drugs. Which sounds boring (who doesn’t love a cocktail?!) but have you seen her? She looks amazing. Pretty much like 20 years haven’t gone by. Yeah she probably has some sweet-ass creams that are a million dollars an ounce. But her genetics and lifestyle also come into play. Jealz! +2

The Score

20
Omg, I think I like J-Lo. Not enough to buy her latest music (yet), but enough to play On the 6 while putting eyeliner on. Plus, she was a fly girl. Nuff said.

On the fence: Nicki Minaj

Image via clumzybarbie.tumblr.com

Nicki Minaj. Loud, weird, split-personalitied. What’s her deal? I’m leaning off the fence with her antics and uninteresting career. Let’s give her a good look.

The Evidence

She made a name for herself by doing feature spots on lots of successful songs, namely “Monster” by Kanye West. Her part in that song is so fucking rad. She was getting “50k for a verse” when she had “no album out.” That’s pretty awesome. +5 

Embarrassing and tired. Image via obama.net

Her Grammys performance was tired. The Catholic church thing has been done by Madonna, Gaga, Sinead O’Connor, etc. Not to say that only ladies growing up under Catholicism can perform using Catholic imagery and metaphors, but it’s just a tired concept. It’s boring. It’s no longer shocking or edgy to dance suggestively while criticizing Catholicism. It’s been done. A BILLION TIMES. Next! -2

The split personality thing is exhausting and a little mentally frightening. It seems like a cheap marketing ploy and a creatively busy subject. Sure, Madonna reinvents herself. But that floats along with an album. Is it too much to deal with multiple personalities on one album? Beyoncé’s Sasha Fierce was way cool, but Garth Brooks’ split personality Chris Gaines pretty much ended his career. Nicki’s personalities are hard to keep up with, especially this early on in her career. Is one personality not enough to keep Nicki Minaj’s career afloat? -3

Her style always looks as if she’s trying to out-gaga Gaga, and also like she’s just putting on crazy shit for the sake of putting on crazy shit. Musicians tend to dress a little cray though, so it’s nothing really new or specific to Nicki Minaj. Her style is just annoying. 

Does anyone else think that's an unflattering pose. Image via http://www.xxlmag.com

Ahh, the hip hop feud. Yes. You’re coming right along, Nicki Minaj! Granted, Lil Kim probably started this one to garner press for her non-existent career. The “hip hop” feud is kind of a right of passage into the world of hip hop and beyond. If you’ve ever been to rap battles or simply listened to hip hop or rap, it’s a sort of art form lyrically speaking within the genre. Biggie and Tupac did it, 50 Cent and Ja Rule, Jay-Z and Nas, etc. So what’s wrong with the ladies getting into it? Besides, who knows how deep many of these feuds run. After what happened to Biggie and Tupac, many of these “beefs” may be mostly for publicity. Red meat kills! 0

Plastic surgery? Ugh. It’s so passé. Gaga’s got a nose and she fucking rocks. The nose job, the alleged butt implant?! WTF is that anyways? It’s hard to take people seriously and to see them as “real” when their bodies are created in a surgical room? Embrace yourself, don’t break and remake yourself. Aight? -2

Her new song with David Guetta is a definite departure from hip hop into electronic pop. But can she actually sing, or is this a bunch of auto-tune baloney? Because she sounds exactly like Rihanna in the chorus. You wouldn’t know this was Nicki Minaj until she started rapping in the short bridge. Exploring different genres is cool, but this song is kind of a bland and easy foray into pop music money. 

Speaking of POP, Nicki just signed a deal with Pepsi to be the spokeswoman for their new product, creatively called Pop. Amazing marketing, as it’s apparent from her David Guetta collab that she will indeed be dipping a toe into the money mountain that is pop music and pop music’s endorsement deals. I foresee a lot of four-chord song variations with edgy yet radio-friendly rap spurts and an obligatory Kanye/Drake/whoever the industry tells us is “hot” collab. It’s not like this isn’t what happens on every pop music album, but as a probable genre switcher from hip hop to pop, I’d expect a little more creativity. 

Honey, no. Image via mojosteve.blogspot.com

The Score

-2

A lot of my scoring comes from my honest inability to find anything that Nicki Minaj does interesting. Her weird outfits are nothing new, fashion forward or exciting. Her features on other people’s songs are awesome, but her album Pink Friday was only OK. And her split personalities are lame. She’s exhausting and confusing. I will be surprised if she is still around in 5 years.

On the fence: Katy Perry

This is my least favorite Perry look. No more short hair please! You're such a doll with long long long locks. Image via heart.co.uk

I’ve never been a huge fan of Katy Perry.

When Katy Perry hit it big, I was studying abroad and drinking caipirinhas in Brazil. Fresh off of sophomore year of college, I could just imagine all the girls who hang out at frat parties making out to Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” for attention and free drinks they would have gotten for free anyways because they are girls talking to shitty frat boy people.

Anyways, a friend of mine once pointed out that “I Kissed a Girl” brought Perry to the beginning of fame, but she neglected to speak out on behalf of gay rights after she used lesbianism to shoot her to the top. Gross, KP. What else puts Katy Perry on the fence? Let’s examine.

The Evidence

Get your roots done, gurl! You aren't a poor 20 something! Image via blog.lockandmane.com

Katy has never been one for good style. She wears outlandish getups and has crazy hair, but when it comes to fashion she has none. I can’t tell if she’s just trying to keep up with Lady Gaga, but honey please. You ain’t Lady Gaga. -5

At least she isn’t trying to be Gaga. She’s smart enough to leave all the Gaga-esque things to our lady of Gaga. +2

Vapid song choice and writing makes for pretty shallow albums. She kissed girls, noticed that boys can be hot’n’cold and that california girls are better than everyone else. We know pop music is known for it’s shallow yet good sounding songs, but good God. Madonna, the Queen of Pop, never sounded this stupid. And once Gaga hit the scene, I thought everyone would step up the songwriting a little. I guess not. -3

However, she does know how to make pop songs that people will buy and eat eat eat all up. That takes some smarts, no matter how dumb the songs are. People buy them, and music is a business, right? +3

More times than not, she has awful fucking hair. Just bad bad bad. The colored bob with roots is just bad. You have money, you should have the best hair! -2

She married Russell Brand, and then a year later got divorced, lending to the ever growing number of celebrity quickie marriage and divorces. Boo! Yes, people sometimes make mistakes. But especially in Hollywood with so many crazy, global work schedules, you’d think they’d have some kind of marriage counseling for stars to warn them of the hardships of a traveling marriage. New reality show? -1

Please don't let Rihanna help you date! Image via jenniferbrix.com

I’ve never seen a truly breathtaking live performance. She always has a lot of big and bold fruits and candies flying around, but in terms of “Holy shit, that was the best performance ever”, that has never once happened during a Katy Perry concert. -4

Her best friend is Rihanna. And Rihanna is reportedly trying to find her a new man. Oh boy. Run, Katy, RUN!!!!! 0

Her songs ARE fun to dance too after like 3 vodka Redbulls, and they are also good workout music. +5

“E.T.” sounds exactly like T.A.T.U.’s “All The Things She Said.” Don’t rip off the Russians, Katy. You never know what kind of vodka potato guns they’ll shoot at you at European music awards. -1

It’s being reported that her next album will be a return to her “roots,” both follicle-y and musically speaking. She said “I’ve always just been me and my guitar; and I’m not saying I’m going to make that record, but I do want to get back to my roots. I’ve been changing my hair color too much!” Oh the puns! And the record execs would never let her make a just her and her guitar album, because we’d be yawing 2 minutes in. But good for her for having goals! +1

The Score

-5

Katy Perry is on the top of the Pop charts at every turn of the corner. There’s no doubt that she’s solidified her presence in the oftentimes superficial arena of pop music. But will she ever get a little more artistic than ripping off Russians and dancing around with candy glued to her chest? Only time will tell!

On the fence: Ryan Seacrest

Image via faces3.com

It seems as though we’ve grown up with Ryan Seacrest. He’s been on our television screens since the first days of competitive televisión singing with his hosting gig on American Idol. Then he took a foray into radio with his own radio show (that is currently broadcasted throughout the US and Canada), and now he’s a producer for many shows on E! Our little Seacrest certainly has his teeny self into what seems like every hosting and television production on TV. Let’s examine Seacrest, and see how he fares on the fence.

Ahh, those were the days. Anyone remember “From Justin to Kelly”? hahaha. I miss our good economy. Image via nj.com

The Evidence

He started out hosting American Idol in 2002 with a guy named Brian Dunkleman. However, after the first season, Dunkleman quit due to the alleged terrible treatment of the hopeful contestants. He also said that the producers of American Idol would give the judges glycerin tears to make them look sympathetic and moved. However, Ryan stuck it out and made millions from doing what they do in show biz. Sorry Dunkleman, morals don’t exist in Hollywood. Didn’t you know that?! +3

“Seacrest out.” I hate it, but I love it. 0

He “feuded” with Simon a lot on American Idol, and maybe still does, but I haven’t seen that show since Jennifer Hudson got kicked off. Anyways, it was entertaining to see a short blonde, bleached-tooth host of a guy get in nit-picky fights with a saucy brit. The guy knows how to entertain. +2

He always compliments his girlfriend Julianne Hough when she’s on the red carpet and he’s interviewing celebs. Awwwww. +1

They are perfectly sized for each other. Image via dailymail.co.uk

Seacrest fucking WORKS. Network producer. Host of seriously anything that’s happening in Hollywood. American Idol. E!. Radio show producer and host (he took over for Casey Kasem for the top 40 countdown as well as Rick Dees). Produces lots of reality shows on E! like the Kardashians. I respect anyone working 5+ jobs. Holy shit, this guy is a media megastar. +5

He always keeps the conversation flowing with any celebrity he’s speaking with. Even if they are super boring, nervous or fucked up on drugs, he knows what to do. He even took getting ashed on by Sacha Baron Cohen like a champ, and will use the media coverage of it for promotional needs. +1

He’s so obsessed with clean teeth and fresh breath, that he paired up with Crest and Scope to help children with mouth deformities. What a specific charity! And a nice guy. +5

He parodied himself in Knocked Up. Good for him. A sense of humor is always a good thing. +3 

This explains everything. You’re gonna be a star, kid. You just wait. Image via usmagazine.com

Seacrest will know what dress you’re wearing before you walk up to him on the red carpet. He knows everything. A straight guy into fashion? Yes please. +2

The Score

22

Ok, I fucking love Ryan Seacrest and I’m not on the fence about him at all. Which I feel weird about, because I don’t know anyone who thinks anything about Ryan Seacrest. But I can’t find anything wrong with him.  But really. He’s such a moot point, but he’s everywhere you look. I also think he gets looked over for cuteness because he’s short (Shortys need luv 2) and he’s Ryan Seacrest. You know?

He’s managed to be involved in so many gigantic projects in television, he has the most amazing jobs in media and is always a professional. In this day and age a guy with a job, let alone 5 that pay him millions upon millions, is something to look up to. Good goin, Seacrest. I’m not embarrassed that I think you’re fantastic. I think.

On the fence: Teen Mom

Image via mtv.com

Oh, Teen Mom. The infamous show detailing the struggles of teen moms from very small towns no one has ever heard of. The teen moms showcased in the show have so many problems it almost seems rude to film them and expose all their problems. But then again, maybe other teens learn from it. Let’s examine Teen Mom.

Pieces of shit like this are procreating. And then late for homeroom. Smart people, please have children. We have to offset the "Idiocracy" imbalance. Photo via starcasm.net

The Evidence

The show does show how terrible these teen moms’ lives are. If anything positive can be gained from Teen Mom, it’s that having a baby in your teens is awful and makes your life super shitty and no fun. And teens need to see that, because it ain’t glamourous. +5

The girls from the show are falling in lust with fame-and it is not being kind to them. Amber Portwood is in and out of jail for things as serious as assaulting her child’s father. She just recently avoided 5 years in prison over drug charges and will be going to rehab and a halfway house. Teen mom Leah, with two twin girls, cheated on their father right before their wedding, got divorced, got engaged again and pregnant again, all to have a miscarriage. Now it’s been reported that she wants to be a pageant mom. Reality show overload. Oh, and Jenelle is a terrible mother with drug problems and general disrespect for her mother, who is raising her child. –25

They make 6 figures from MTV. Good for them, but bad for their behavior and lifestyles. -5 

Great, call the paparazzi and hangout at the beach. Where's your kid again? Image via crushable.com

Instead of, you know, saving the biggest paycheck of her life for her future and, God forbid the future of her child, teen mom Farrah got a boob job. -10

The teen moms get way too many covers on the gossip rags. Bleg. Let’s keep it to real celebrities. I’d rather be depressed at how much the Kardashian’s make each year, instead of reading about how someone is neglecting their child for fame. -3

Maybe their stories are prime examples of why health class NEEDS to talk about something a little more than abstinence. Teens are idiots living in bubbles, they know nothing. +2

The Score

-38

I guess the gals from Teen Mom tie Chris Brown for the lowest ‘On the fence’ score. What an honor! The only positive I can find in Teen Mom is that these girls serve as a warning to other teens who are thinking about sex and having a baby at such a young age. Plus, the guys they “love,” date and unfortunately procreated with are total losers and terrible fathers too. The teen moms’ drug problems, anger control issues and lust for the spotlight are all despicable qualities, even for a reality show.