YES. ALL SORTS OF YES. These are the wisest words I’ve ever heard from a child. We ARE all a little gay. Way to go, young Honey Boo Boo. Tell all the bucktooth folk watching your show that we should accept something we all have in us. Shit, she’s so much better than any Republican social platform already. Which, by the by, here in Minnesota the conservative fuckholes of society decided this would be a great billboard to put up near a busy highway:
Um, WUT? 50 years ago, conservatives were beating up black people because they didn’t want them in their schools, using their drinking fountains, or sitting anywhere they liked on the bus! Are you fucking kidding me?! And now they’re trying to tell us that the formerly most unequal citizen of the United States is now supporting an issue that strives to block equal rights for another minority group? Good lord. Have mercy on the poor souls who don’t see the irony in this.
Moreso, I feel sad for people who will vote yes on the marriage amendment. It’s not even an argument, it’s just fucking rude. As a society, we should support stability and monogamous relationships as much as possible, not to mention the happiness of our fellow earthly brethren and sistren. That’s why imma vote:
Oh sweet Katy Perry. I’ve only recently accepted her smash hit album Teenage Dream into my life because I’m a stubborn pop bitch and so over gaga’s antics. However, her love life is beginning to show some dark patterns with a past scattered with addicts.
So what’s the deal? Either she’s into some shit too, or she likes to play the savior, although her song “Circle the Drain” would beg to differ. Maybe it’s just that you can’t meet or date anyone who hasn’t been addicted to drugs or anything. Caffeine, porn, cigs, weed, booze, blow, meth, buzzfeed.com, etc. We’ve mostly all got our vices, no matter how big or small our addictions may seem.
But goodness, does she have a record with boys with substance abuse! First there’s Johnny Lewis of Sons of Anarchy fame, who recently passed away and is now a murder suspect in the death of an 81 year old woman.
Then there was Travis McCoy, singer of the band Gym Class Heroes, who had a pill addiction and is supposedly the inspiration behind “Circle the Drain”.
Then there was her short-lived marriage to Russell Brand, who (breaking the cycle!) was/is a recovering addict (who actually said Katy’s drinking and partyingmade him uncomfortable). Let’s also not forget her fling with John Mayer. He’s almost as bad as drugs anyways.
So, is it her strict Christian background that sends her into all of these drug-addicts’ arms? Some would argue that being so very religious is an addiction. Maybe she’s searching for someone who is as passionate about something like her dad, who just happens to be a former drug addict as well. Or is it her need for something edgy in her life? Some rock street cred if you will. What’s rock and roll without drugs, right? This is absolutely the darkest spot and pattern I’ve been able to identify in our dear Katy Perry’s life as a pop star. We can only wait until her next romance to see if this is an innocent connection or an unfortunate trend in: The Men of Katy Perry.
Do you ever feel like things in your life are just a little bit off? Your roots are showing, you hate your clothes more than anything in the world, and cameltoe jokes just don’t make you laugh anymore. I’ve got the solution: Thairapy. A combination of a hair stylist and a therapist to really dig deep into your postmodern woes and better yet, fill your goddamn roots.
I have no idea if this shit exists. It should. I bet it could have in the 90s. Because really, a hair stylist is sort of a therapist. They ask you questions about your life while they’re touching your head, and for some reason this physical contact coupled with the life inquiries causes you to spill anything and everything to your stylist.
It helps that most hair stylists are chatty and like to keep the conversation going while they deal with your split-end situation, but what if our hair stylists were also licensed therapists? We could go in for highlights, a brow wax, and a little existential cleansing. I’m not talking heavy-hitting therapy sessions for people with legitimate weekly therapy sessions, but more like a little check-in with a licensed professional for the rest of us. Think of the breakthroughs! Think of the daring haircuts! “Do you feel like having short hair?” “What do you think this hair color means for your life?” “Your ends are telling me you’ve had a bad month.”
I think we carry so much of who we are and how we feel in our hair and our appearance in general. Constant maintenance or lack thereof for our friendly follicles can really say a lot about where we are in our lives. Craving a new ‘do? Maybe you’re craving a change of scene IRL. Split ends from the past 3 years? What are you holding onto? It could be that some people are just lazy or OCD with their hair, but maybe there lies a little more beneath the surface than just a new cut and color. Who better to dive in that someone who already helps you look and feel amazing? I WANT THIS SERVICE NOW. COME ON AMERICA.
As a teen watching (and idolizing) them bitches from Sex and the City, I never really thought I’d go through similar dating mishaps. Watching the show, you’re either “That guy is a total DICK” or “Oh my god, I LOVE him” to any given dude the golden four ever picked up.
But now as we all are hanging on to our first full time jobs, apartments, friends and dating lives, things are starting to make a lot more sense from the world of one Ms. Carrie Bradshaw. For instance:
Funky tasting spunk (I can’t believe there isn’t a meme for that. WTF internet!)
Worrying about never dating again in your current city pool of eligible mediocrity
Sometimes you’re just not that into people, and they just aren’t that into you.
Date richer so their town car can pick you up. Cuz scooters are cute for a minute and all, but fuck that.
Don’t date someone who makes you camp. You will break their heart.
Your soulmate might be bald. But the sex might be great. So don’t be a bitch.
Don’t move to Paris with an old Russian artist when your Mr. Big is right where you left him.
God, we are FUCKED. At least we have cooler than cool friends to brunch and bitch with about our dating warbles. Mimosas don’t pour themselves, and good stories don’t come from people who stay at home.
Fur is the shit. There’s something that changes you when you put on a fur. Lights feel brighter, wine tastes better, and if anyone gets in your way they’re like half scared that you’re a prostitute with a switch blade.
I have a rabbit fur coat that I got from Savers in Rochester (MN). It’s second hand fabulous. There are a couple of seam rips and the thing sheds like a dog, but I can’t give it up because some rabbits died and why waste their sacrificed life wearing a fucking Columbia jacket and looking like a bad tipper.
And yeah, every time I think about how a REAL fur coat is made, I feel bad. I love animals. But I also eat meat and live in the waaaaay far north where a fur coat is actually used for it’s warmth. The added coat fierceness is a bonus. But either way, eating meat, wearing fur, having poor asian peasants make our iPhones for 8 cents so we can find the nearest Taco Hut; this world is fucked and we are big assholes. But that’s why faux fur exists: so you can only kind of be a dick human being, instead of a slightly bigger dick of a person. Progress.
I don’t know how I feel about Xtina’s new song “Your Body”. It’s not horrible by any means, because it sounds just like most things on the radio right now, without autotune because baby gurl has that shit built in. But it’s not a “holy shit, that’s my new jam” kind of song. The hook is alright but forgettable, because as I am writing this post I forgot the name of the song and any melody it had. Not that I have an amazing memory, but still. If this song is any indication of her new album, we might be in a similar situation to her previous album fiasco Bionic.
I just don’t get what she’s doing. If you have a voice like Christina Aguilera, you need to pick songs worthy of Christina Aguilera’s voice, not something Ke$ha took a next-morning-whiskey shit on and then passed over. Of course I’m exaggerating because the song isn’t THAT bad, but it’s not up to the standard that we all have in our head of Christina Aguilera. Remember Beautiful, or anything she did before Bionic? That shit was gold because it had personality. But lately it’s like she’s chasing trends that started 5 years ago, and it is NOT working in her favor. Diva legends don’t chase old trends; they hire talented enough people to create their next award-winning image for them create new ones. Xtina isn’t doing herself any favors by picking songs that are infinitely forgettable.
Where’d her Stripped passion go? Shit, even Back to Basics? Did being rich and comfortable ruin her ability to put out a good album? Or is she just an amazing voice with little artistic fury? Only time will tell. But if personality-disordered Britney can put out AMAZING fucking albums AND be on a TV show just like Xtina (what is this, 1999 again?), then I just don’t know about this girl.
(And please, there is no way there is an Xtina Britney feud because of their “warring” shows. Our Princess of Pop Brit-Brit is too medicated to give a shit about mostly everything.)
Seriously, FUCK Lana Del Rey. If Britney Spears, the famous lip-syncer and mental breakdown lady can sound amazing LIVE on SNL, then anyone should. Watch is. She’s AMAZING! There’s just something about her that you can’t look away from. Lana del Rey just kind of stood there too, and everyone was like “what the fuck bitch!” But when Brit Brit stands there the entire song, singing live, you just stare at her. Je ne sais quoi to the max.
But for real, this gives me hope that someday we may have a Britney back that is more involved in performance and music career. Watching her on the X Factor is weird, because she has psychological issues that leave her in a conservatorship where she can’t make any life decisions on her own. But she’s judging a HUGE talent competition like the X Factor? It just seems kind of weird. Almost like all the people surrounding her, even though they have her off the street drugs and on the prescribed ones, are exploiting her name and face for millions of dollars. Sometimes I just don’t know what to think about our B. Spears. I love her to death, but her life is fucking insane.
Most of my friends are single and on the prowl. As we blow the fuck through wander through the jungle of “do you think he has a nice dick?”, “does he have a job?” and my personal favorite “he better not have a fucking girlfriend”, we begin to accumulate massive amounts of people under our leopard print dating belts (that should be a thing). As we pile up the i-hope-he-never-calls and the if-he-doesn’t-call-i’m-never-dating-agains,we as daters and friends of those who are dating tend to lose track of names and adopt a more efficient strategy, you know, to speed up the conversation in our OH SO BUSY 20 SOMETHING LIVES. Allow me to demonstrate:
EX: 1 Conversations with names
S: I hope Adam calls. I wanna get laid.
K: Who the fuck is Adam, I hate him already, dump him.
EX: 2 Conversations with descriptive adjectives
S: I hope punk boy calls.
K: YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is amazing, fabulous and a great person.
See? It is wondrous for everyone involved to use an adjective to describe the person you’re trying to date/bone/marry/stalk. It allows our friends and us to keep track of who is who in our dating conversations, without the inefficient bullshit that are names. We ain’t got time for names, only love games baby. YA HEARD