Talk about dodging a fucking bullet! If you’ve seen pictures of them recently, they both aged a little eccentrically. Carson is super thin and we all know Tara Reid had some knifey fun that went awry, which sucks because she looks like she has all the right curves and a sunny, pretty face.
Don’t do plastic surgery kids!! Unless you get Madonna’s surgeon. Fact.
Remember, our dearest February 14th doesn’t have to just be about love. It can be about remembering the Canadian Asbestos Strike, the birth of Anna Howard Shaw, or the first diesel-powered submarine.
Or, you could simply be thankful this is (or isn’t) waiting for you at home after work. (Only if he had a good cabernet sauvignon)
Or maybe you’re super in love and this is going to be your heart all night long.
Or maybe you’re fresh out of a crummy relationship, and you’d rather pull one of these.
Or maybe you’ll be sharing these with a “friend”.
Or maybe you’ll simply curl up on the couch and remember that, more than anyone, the Hoff still loves you.
No matter what your status is on Valentine’s day, just know that it’s a day to celebrate all kinds of love. Even if it’s your undying love for David Hasselhoff circa his Baywatch years, or wearing a single pair of fundies.
Valentine’s Day dos for everyone:
Do Watch: 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, Downton Abbey, The Walking Dead, Clueless, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, The Night of the Living Dead
Do Eat: Thai, Italian, French
Do Drink: Red wine, but beware of wine lips
Do for Dessert: Chocolate or whatever is best on the menu (or in the freezer)
Do Sing and Dance: Yeah, you heard me. Have fun. It’s simply a delight!
Valentine’s Day don’ts for everyone:
Don’t Watch: A documentary on civil war or Sophie’s Choice
Don’t Eat: Indian, hamburgers, chicken
Don’t Drink: too much. It’s a Tuesday… and possibly a date!
Don’t for Dessert: I’m drawing a blank.
Don’t Sing and Dance: If your dance moves have gotten you dumped before, start the place on fire and GTFO. And for the love of God, if you must dance, don’t do the sprinkler or any awful straight man dance like that. Nobody thinks it’s spontaneous and carefree. Nobody.
We’ve all been there: Sitting at a party where the conversation isn’t really your cup of tea, you are single and everyone there is in a deadend relationship (that they sadly haven’t realized yet) or worse- you’re surrounded by young republicans with a self-righteous penchant for red meat and Tucker Carlson.
Sometimes, you just have to chalk it up, say your polite farewells and do what will make your night 10 times better: Netflix, baby. Can you remember a time before Netflix? When, God forbid, you were forced to rewatch actual DVDs instead of streaming them (30 Rock or anything with Leslie Knope)? I shudder at the mere thought.
Instead of cringing your way through conversations with people who wear too much plaid for their own good, imagine: It’s just you, at home, N-flix, and a warm blanket peppered with snacks and diet soda. You get to pick whatever you want, whether it be a delightfully shitty rom-com (anything with Katherine Heigl), action (Terminator), period piece (Downton Abbey ftw), documentary (the origami one) or Cheers (Ted Danson rocks).
So the next time you find yourself smack dab in the middle of a tired and pointless conversation with acquaintances you hope to God don’t add you on Facebook (there should really be a three hangout minimum), just remember that Netflix instant is waiting for you at home, with a barrel of laughs, tears, or just a simple warm hug of personalized entertainment.