Forever Young: Justin Bobby

Image via mtv.com

Justin Bobby, the weirdest addition to The Hills cast ever. He’s part surfer dude, part really insecure hat aficionado, and part brain-dead fart face that could double as a model.

May he forever be a smelly-looking gem of fake reality show history.

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Netflix nightcap: The Hills

Image via theneave.com

The Hills are alive, with the sound of poor acting

Oh my GOD. Reality TV at it’s fakest and finest. In a world where the Kardashians plague anything and everything from credit cards, to jeans, to mothafuckin’ Kanye, The Hills is a refreshing step into the world pre-total serious shitfest reality tv. Think of a world before Teen Mom, Jersey Shore and Twitter. Yeah. Fucking. Bizarre.

First of all, Lauren and Whitney must be the most grounded human beings to ever have been on reality television. Through their internships at Teen Vogue, you see them getting demeaned by a demanding yet totally baller boss, Lisa Love. Lauren is also going to school and trying to balance a ‘normal’ life in front of the cameras, unlike the Kardashians who are millionaires a billion times over and flaunt it to no end. (Kim’s Bentley episode, anyone? “THIS IS MY SPECIAL DAY!!!!! AND YOU’RE RUINING IT KHLOE!!!” ahahahaha!)

Image via jkmasylum.blogspot.com

Looking back at a reality show that kind of started the heavily scripted reality genre that we all know so dearly now (hello Real Housewives of Whatever), The Hills seems so, so tame. Granted, I’ve only seen a handful of episodes from the first season. But so far I haven’t seen anything too obscene except an alcoholic 18-year-old Jason, a famewhore 19-year-old Heidi and rich kids buying each other diamonds, puppies and Chanel bags at Christmas. Gawd, rich life in LA is so hard! 

If anything, The Hills is everything you need to realize what kind of person in LA you’d want to be (which is totally more important than finding a third job to be a real working adult). Lauren is a grounding snap back to reality (for reality tv that is). A real hard worker with real bad taste in men. Whitney is the good friend you want and want to be, who is nice and gets nice things in return. Audrina is the girl you try not to sound like in public, and Heidi is everything you wish you never become (because we all saw what she became and that shit is scary sad).

The boys on MTV are so shitty

What’s up with MTV never having any strong male characters on their shows? I can’t think of any. Jersey Shore=fake italian alcoholics. Teen Mom=shitty teens. Laguna Beach/The Hills=rich, drug addicted babies. The Real World=alcoholics who need serious therapy. Where the strong male characters at, MTV? Come on! The guys are mostly weak, insecure and reeeeally abusive. Being “passionate” is not an excuse for being verbally abusive, Jordan (Heidi’s bf from the first season. A total turd monger butt munch, smelly dirtbag of a sockface)

I know reality TV is not a great place to learn about relationships, especially on MTV, but for real. This shit is depressing. Can the current shitty teens of Amurrrica get ANY dudes who aren’t total cheating, mentally abusive sociopaths? Good GOD. Plus, addicts are only funny to a certain point, MTV. Exploiting them is rude as fuck.

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Reality TV: Where mental illness, alcoholism and obesity are IN

Image via mylot.com

For realz. Reality TV is one of those genres that you really have know idea what kind of “creative” forces are working behind it, and this bugs me. Normal TV has writers, actors, directors, a story board, producers, etc. But reality TV is a little trickier. It’s supposed to lean a little to the documentary side of things, but that shit hit the fan after they realized alcoholics with rage issues who like to dance make reeeeeeeally good TV.

My Strange Addiction is nearly every first world problem you could ever dream of. Image via tlc.howstuffworks.com

My main problem with scripted reality shows are that they are fucking lazy. Seriously, were the big wigs over at studio xyz just super cheap fucks who didn’t want to pay for writers, directors or talented actors anymore? It’s gotta be suuuuper cheap to produce a reality show. You barely have to pay the “talent”, probably because they’re busy defecating on all the rented furniture. That shit adds up.

And forget writers! The producers probably get blasted on coke vodka redbulls and sloppily piece together ridiculous story lines, such as, “peeing on dancefloors“, “mental illness mambo” and my fave “alcoholicism is fun and not at all a serious problem!”

Image via locatetv.com

From watching hours upon hours of the Kardashians on Netflix (embarrassing, but whatevs) it is SO obvious that barely anything is spontaneous. The storylines just fit a little too perfectly, and everyone always seems to have a smirk on their painted on mugs that all but reveals “yeah, this is all bullshit. But you’d probably let Ray-J pee on you too if you had  my paycheck, filthy commoner.”

Is reality TV like meth?

In terms of reality shows, I’ve gotta say those dating shows like The Bachelor, Temptation Island (T.I. is sick as fuck) and whatever the fuck Tila Tequila has been in are pretty much the rockiest rock of all bottoms. Way more rock bottom than say, My Strange AddictionI’d gladly hang out with anyone who ate cigarette ashes and had a sexual relationship with their car over anyone who has ever been on a reality dating show. (The “Where Are They Now?” section of the MSA website is fucking platinum speckled GOLD. “Did therapy and help from friends convince Mary to stop eating cat treats and change her ways?” )

I’ve seen better turds in my toilet after a night of drinking than any Bachelor. Fuck, I could find better men on public transit. And if you’ve ever been on public transit, you know that’s a bold statement.

Also, the weightloss shows make me sad.

Yep folks, it seems as if the big, bad corporations have got this reality TV smut down to a T. Put alcoholism, mental illness and obesity on TV and you’ll be richer than all the Kardashians combined in like 5 minutes. I’ve got it! OCD Happy Hour Confessions: I Ate My Family. TLC is picking it up as I type.