5 reasons the polar vortex is the best thing to happen to winter

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I am LOVING the polar vortex. Do nothing and eat a bunch? I didn’t know it was so cold in HEAVEN. Here’s why I’m having the time of my life.

1. Lay in bed and watch Netflix ALL DAY

Are you kidding me? Is this my birthday, Christmas, AND Halloween combined? Check it: Lay in bed, wear whatever crazy combination of sweaters, hot pants and fun socks your heart desires. Throw on a tiara if you want. Paint your face up like Heath Ledger in that Batman movie (I know it’s the Dark Knight u shoulda seen ur face) or like Gaga in her “Applause” video. Scare your roommates with said faces, and then after a good stabbing laugh, invite them into the living room for an afternoon of Netflix. Pick the most disgusting guilty pleasure shows that have ever existed to man and watch them, like Bridalplasty or The Swan. Or maybe you like really good things and don’t waste your time watching the worst humans alive compete for plastic surgery (u suck but whatever). I hear Breaking Bad is good. Also MELROSE PLACE has all the murder, love triangles and personality disorders you could EVER dream of.

You’ve been gifted HAVING to stay indoors under blankets and watch TV. Don’t fuck it up by doing anything else, like productive shit. PRAISE BE TO ARCTICA, GOD OF POLAR WINDS, UNLIMITED STREAMING AND EARLY BED TIMES.

2. Eat whatever you want images

It’s a polar vortex outside! Are you kidding me! High temperatures are in the high -10s! YOU EAT THAT FROZEN PIZZA. You eat it good, and eat it by yourself. After that, eat a bag of chips. Then ice cream. Then an apple because you should eat one healthy thing at least sometimes. But most importantly eat whatever you want because you might need those calories when your ’03 Ford Taurus hits black ice on the highway and sends you careening over the side of a bridge only to be caught in the strong and sexy limbs of a frozen tree. Yes you’re STRANDED  in a car, stuck in a tree, and even though you’ve survived a harrowing once-in-a-lifetime experience, your dad is still gonna KILL YOU for playing Candy Crush while driving. But at least you ate enough pizza and chips beforehand to be able to survive falling off a bridge in a car and being saved by a tree. You’ll be a Facebook star for like 5 hours (suck it, people with cute kids)!!  Pretty sure that’s called living the dream.

3. FUR

Um, if there’s any time to bust out that fur coat your politically incorrect yet fabulously stylish grandmother gave you before she moved into some old person orgy center in Florida, it’s now. I don’t care what that vegan says on Facebook (why are you facebook friends with a vegan). WERK DAT FUR OR DIE A BITING DEATH IN THE FRIGID ELEMENTS.

you could look THIS fabulous in the polar vortex. you kno you wanna
you could look THIS fabulous in the polar vortex. you kno you wanna. GAGA YAAAAAS

4. Social obligations are nil

You know what? You DON’T have to go to your ex-roommate’s new roommate’s boyfriend’s free rock show tonight. Maybe your car battery seriously isn’t working, or maybe it is buuuuuuut there’s no need to push it. Maybe it’s too cold out to find parking and then walk 5 blocks in the hip part of town for drinks because frostbite really DOES set in after 5 minutes! Maybe you’re an alien working for a galactic organization hell bent on taking over Earth and the subzero temperatures don’t affect you. But who’s to say you don’t deserve a couple of quiet nights in? YOU DESERVE IT.

Guilt-free stay-ins? THANKS POLAR VORTEX!!!!

5. Bonding time

The polar vortex is a GREAT way for some extra bonding time with your roommates. Get to know the person who smells your shit in the morning a little better. Do they like Katy Perry? Do they “get” performance art? Have they ever murdered anyone on purpose? Who did they vote for in the last People’s Choice Awards? Throw a pizza in the oven, pop a stale 40, and open up those floodgates, baby.

this is you during the winter vortex. you've never looked happier.
this is you during the winter vortex. you’ve never looked happier.

THANKS POLAR VORTEX!!!

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If you’re bored right now watch this: Half Ton Killer

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Half Ton Killer.

It’s a fascinating murder mystery with a woman who weighs more than half a ton. And you can’t stop watching. There’s tacos and burgers in bed with a twist of death. Sad, but compelling.

Also there’s something about winter that just makes you wanna watch murder shows involving the heaviest recorded woman alive. U WELCOME.

Liz and Dick was exactly what you’d expect

Image via goldderby.com
Image via goldderby.com

Oh dear. By now you’ve either read all the horrible reviews of Liz and Dick, or you’ve actually seen the movie and know what’s what. Well, here are my thoughts.

  1. Lindsay Lohan was either playing a present-day version of Liz Taylor, or a 60s version of Lindsay Lohan.
  2. The guy who played Dick is WAAAAY too fucking old! Why would they pick him to be Richard Burton? I might have believed Aaron Carter more.
  3. The costumes were fucking AWESOME. At least Lindsay Lohan had some sweet fucking threads to wear. She definitely looked better in this movie than she does in any paparazzi shot, even with the cheek implants!
  4. Creed from The Office is in this movie. Also, Miranda’s boyfriend/baby daddy from Sex and the City. They do Lifetime
    Image via eonline.com
    The smoking scenes in the movie were the moments when Linds really shined. Image via eonline.com

    movies too!

  5. I’m not sure Lindsay’s shoddy performance was ENTIRELY her fault. The entire breaking-down-the-fourth-wall flashes where Liz and Dick were speaking directly to the audience was SUCH a horrible call. What kind of good director would EVER think that’s a good idea? I thought somebody decided that nobody likes breaking the fourth wall? I know I hate it. WE WANT TO BELIEVE DAMMIT!
  6. Granted, we were trying to play the Liz and Dick drinking game, so memories of most of the movie get fuzzy. But the story seemed hard to follow regardless with all the scene jumping and bad wigs.
  7. Lindsay really looked at home whenever she had a cigarette in her hands or a bottle of vodka to pull from. Method acting/her IRL behavior.

It is starting to feel gross making fun of Lindsay Lohan. This was the best she could do, and a pretty accurate view of why she was even filming a Lifetime movie in the first place. However, it is crucial to note that an equal amount of blame for this bad Lifetime movie should fall on the writers, producers and director. Regardless of the actors, Liz and Dick is a steaming pile all on its own without Lindsay’s wobbly star power to reel in the ratings.

Sidenote: gross, Danielle Fishel. Topanga has suddenly found her star reignited, so she made a spoof of Lindsay’s Liz on The Soup. It’s almost like making fun of Britney post head-shaving. Not cool bitch. Nobody was thinking of you a week ago, and now you’re shitting on a crazy actress with substance abuse problems who hits Floridan psychics?! Ugh, get off your Disney channel high horse you turd!

Lady Gaga’s first movie role in “Machete Kills”

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WHAT!!!! I am blindsided by this news! Lady Gaga has already finished filming her first movie role as La Chameleon in Robert Rodriguez’s latest film “Machete Kills“. This should be interesting. I am absolutely shocked, in this day and age of media and Internet gossip, that this wasn’t public knowledge before. Kudos to everyone who worked on this movie and kept the secret!

Celebrité: Katie Holmes to GTFAway from Tom Cruise

Image via marieclaire.com

How now brown cow? Katie Holmes has finally had enough of Tom’s alien bedtime stories, so she is filing for divorce.

The details of this divorce are going to be PHENOMENAL. Can you imagine? “New details leak: Xenu pies for breakfast ONLY on Sundays or Suri gets no dessert on Tuesday”. This is gonna be sooooooooooo good. Best divorce ever.

The world is really changing, you guys.

So Justin Timberlake is doing this now

This is just too funny. I can’t wait to see this movie. Image via laineygossip.com

I love JT so much. Really. But no.

I actually can’t tell what it is about the hair that shocks me so much. Is it that I’ve never seen him with Ken doll hair before? IS it the side part? What about the sideswept bang? Or the color?

There are just too many shocking things about his hair right now. He’s filming Runner, Runner in Puerto Rico. Maybe that’s why he’s been tweeting so much.

But for real, this is what imdb has to say about the movie:

“A businessman is caught up in the world of offshore online gaming.”

GTFO!

Oh JT. PLEASE. COME BACK TO MUSIC. WE BEG. WE WILL EVEN PAY FOR THE ALBUM, I SWEAR.