Gossip folk: American Idol, Do Something! Awards, and Taylor Swift at the VMAs

“American Idol, where washed up people go to have only slightly less terrible careers!” Image via allhiphop.com

American Idol judge rumors

Reports have been circulating completely leaked by anyone who works at American Idol that a bunch of HUGE OMG stars are considering judging on American Idol next season. I’ve read reports that Kanye, Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey are all rumored to be in consideration for a judge spot on the biggest “that show is still on?” show on TV.

First of all, no. Anyone with an actual artistic career (Kanye and Nicki) would be an idiot to accept a position like this on TV. American Idol is used not so much as a platform for hopeful nobodies to never finally earn notoriety, but more as a restart button for stars who have faded from the spotlight and need to fuel their addiction to gay russian squirrel porn pay their bills and egos. Exhibit A:

Groundbreaking. Image via awesomehq.com
  1. Paula Abdul wasn’t doin’ shit before she was on the show, besides starring in scat videos. I wouldn’t know if she was a household name when her career hit its peak for that month in 1993 because I learning how to spell and shit. But if she hadn’t been a judge on American Idol, not many people would remember her mediocre pop career.
  2. J Lo had a failed marriage and some kids, but wasn’t really doing anything in the realm of entertainment. It’s funny that she’s so famous, because I don’t think she’s ever done anything that’s earned critical praise post In Living Color. Or any kind of praise at all. It’s a corporate conspiracy!
  3. Stephen Tyler, who the fuck knows. He was bored? He got sober and needed something to distract him from drugs and boozey treats?

See? Nobody ACTUALLY relevant and present-day successful becomes a judge on a shitty television show where you have to vote for people you’ll see at your local Walmart during their summer “tour.” That being said, let’s expect to welcome Mariah Carey to American Idol this fall, with the perfect amount of “you’ll never be as good as me” enthusiasm that the young kids really need to hear more of these days.

Do Something! Awards aka C-list celebrities sniffing their own farts

Oh great. Pseudo-celebs gathering on VH1 (seriously, what the fuck happened to that network) to praise themselves and each other for BEING SO GREAT at the Do Something! Awards. Isn’t the point of doing charity work helping others and not calling attention to how great you are?! Sure, it’s nice to party, and I’m sure it’s even nicer to party and be on TV (even if it IS on VH1). But good god. Famewhores alert! Is Ryan Lochte gonna be there too?!

The stunning presenter list includes Kristin Bell, John Cho, Olivia Munn, Will Ferrell, Harry Shum, Jr. I don’t know who the last guy is. Fitting!

Taylor Swift at the VMAs

So I saw this promo for the MTV VMAs with Taylor Swift and Kevin Hart.

 

And this is what came to mind: Her deadpan is actually really good, and girlfriend could use about 5 cigarettes a day. I would love to hear a gritty, cigged-out Taylor Swift throat singing all her “you should fuck off and die, bastard!” songs. Let’s start a campaign!

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This is cool: Kanye’s brain

Image via thecultureofme.com

Being Kanye West: the sequel everyone would see to Being John Malkovich. Hollywood? Yeah?

This is cool: Kanye’d by the Bell

Image via kanyedbythebell.tumblr.com

Fucking GENIUS AND AMAZINGLY entertaining. Kanye’d by the Bell chronicles screenshots of our beloved early morning rerun show with corresponding Kanye West lyrics. I love me some Kanye and Saved by the Bell is always a fun trip down 90s PSA propaganda lane. Hearts! Perfection! Kanye!

A new motto to live by. Image via kanyedbythebell.tumblr.com
Image via kanyedbythebell.tumblr.com
SO TRUE. Image via kanyedbythebell.tumblr.com

On the fence: Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift 

The first time I watched anything dealing with Taylor Swift was a performance of “Should’ve Said No” where she had a costume change and ended her performance under a rain machine. Besides being a little pitchy, that performance rocked and I decided to check out her album.

But then came the Kanye-VMA debacle. It gave the gossip and entertainment mags something more interesting to talk about, you know, other than the Paris Hiltons or whichever socialite was being a general annoyance to the American public. Kanye got way too drunk and interrupted Swift during an acceptance speech for Best Video, which was obviously rude and spawned a year of never ending internet memes.

The Evidence 

What I thought was unsavory about Swift during this debacle was that West’s mother Donda died less than two years earlier, and Kanye hadn’t stopped working since then. Cue, spiraling out of control. He issued countless apologies on countless crappy tv shows, all of which Swift half-assedly accepted, as she looked as thought she enjoyed the free press more. 0

Swifty rips her shitty, metrosexual ex-boyfriends new b-holes after they dump her via text message. +2 

Her backup bands have the worst hair imaginable. But that’s not her fault. 0

She is always writing songs about having a broken heart, and is starting to sound like a broken record-1

Great hair. +1

She has great, classy style, and a new spread and cover for Vogue. +1 

She covers a new song relevant to the city she is touring in. Way cool. +1

Her surprise face. -1 

The Score

Taylor comes out with a +3 advantage. Her style and penchant for embarrassing guys who totally deserve it is way awesome. However, she really should do something about those backup dancers’ hair. Yuck.