My friend Mark texted me this morning, “This new JT is absolutely bangin!!!!! Hooooly shit. Sooo sophisticated.”
Perez Hilton is a JAG/rant about how much I do not like Perez Hilton
Sometimes, when I’m extremely bored and desperate for something mediocre to hate on, I visit perezhilton.com. A once veritable watering hole for bored teens/young adults is now a really dried up turd barely worth being called celebrity gossip (we all know you’re sucking up to everyone in Hollywood for professional gain and it is SO BORING). Anyways, I saw Perez’s opinion of Justin Timberlake‘s new song:
Image via Twitter
I mean, Perez Hilton’s entire being is steeped in everyone hating everything he says and does. So I’m not surprised that his shitty opinion of Justin Timberlake’s new song “Suit and Tie” infuriates me. I hate when artists get shit for not being EXACTLY like what already exists. That’s not innovative or interesting or exciting. That’s some un-creative, pop music fascism, Perez! Open up your world to different sounds other than ham farts and old phone messages from when Lady Gaga was using you for fame. #truthbomb
Me
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE RELEASED NEW MUSIC. AN ALBUM OF SONGS FROM ONE OF AMERICA’S FAVORITE ARTISTS WILL BE RELEASED THIS YEAR. THIS IS EXCITING. I LOVE JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE AND TIMBALAND, AND CAN’T WAIT TO HEAR THE BODY OF WORK THEY HAVE PRODUCED. WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Consensus
The new song rox, JT rox, and all the sane, non-idiot, non-buttworms are into it. Not just because it’s JT (but mostly am I right?!), but because that shit is fresh and genuine and so desperately needed in mainstream pop music right now.
“When I got this part, every single article that came out, was, ‘R-Patz’s struggle for credibility!’; I don’t understand who invented that thing, ‘R-Patz’, I want to strangle them.”- Robert Pattinson talking with The Guardian about his nickname and his new film Cosmopolis
Robert Pattinson HATES Perez Hilton, wants to strangle him
I swear Perez Hilton started it. He at least made it mondo popular.
This is both Perez’s dream and worst nightmare to be hated by a teen sensation Twilight cast member. On one hand, someone famous is talking about him. A real ‘dear diary’ moment. On the other, the famous person he creepily fantasizes about adores say he hates the nickname he more than likely spawned for him. Ya can’t win ’em all, Perezy.
Perez looks a little thin, no? He’s been on a health kick for the past couple of years, dropping from an unhealthy weight to exercise and smart eating. And over the course of a couple years, he has transformed himself. However, this picture definitely makes him look a little skinny skinny. Every Hollywood socialite’s dream, right?!
Being healthy is what counts, Perez. Keep that in mind!
Remember when that was our world? God, the MOVES! The video! The poppy goodness! Pre-9/11 and pre-recession splendor. Also, 8th grade.
I wish boy bands would come back, but none of this shit like Perez Hilton is trying to pull off. He’s starting a boy band cringingly called IM5. All those guys are short and look 9 years old, but are actually between 14 and 16. PUKE! Money hungry Perez, that is low. Trying to milk money from 5 Beiber-like kids, that will never ever be as famous as Beiber because kids these days are assholes and wouldn’t like anything lame like a band called IM5. We saw what happened with poor O-Town. Pasted together out of nowhere, then a year later they were working as gardeners. Yikes.
You could be on the cover of Rolling Stone. You know you want it. Image via professionalfangirl.com
What I really want is to see some fucking dude-dudes just dancing and singing melodically together. like, 20-25 range, maybe a spry 29, who look manly. Gay, straight, whatevs. Just cool guys with a penchant for song and dance who own it, love it, flaunt it, work it. Anything can be done with confidence and your friend on garageband.
If only a bunch of hipster, regular guys with stellar moves and great voices would hang out together and birth the next boy band over PBRs, plaid shirts and Parliaments. You could wear whatever you wanted, get groupie love and have so much money. Wouldn’t dancing and singing be a lot better than anything you’re doing now?!
And really, it’s not lame at all. Girls go APE SHIT over hot men dancing and singing to them. Like, hundreds of dollars on tickets and merchandise type of ape shit. Tears all over their faces and finger nails ready to gather pop boy skin for their shrine. But that’s true of any star really. You get the point.
BOYS/MEN: I’ve got it figured out. You could be called FU. People will get confused and call you “Foo.” They’ll say “what’s this Foo nonsense?” Then you’ll do a clubby, dance hit with RedFoo from LMFAO called “Eff You” and people will get it and you will be stars. Done!
The world is waiting for you fuckers. Stop playing Halo and get on that Kinect dancing game so we can dance to your sweet grooves and make you millionaires.
Some Boy Band Inspiration, Gentlemen.
New Kids On The Block are the coolest ones. There’s a Wahlberg! Maybe all you need is a Wahlberg. But seriously, their outfits look awesome, not all futuristically weird like NSYNC and Backstreet went. They look like modern day hipsters. I would wear every single one of their outfits. I’ve never had that sentiment with any boy band. This is what I’m getting at. All of the NKOTB can dance sooooooooooooo well and they sing amazingly. Watch some of their live performances when they were young. They are BOMB.
Ok JT isn’t a boy band, but he’s a-singing and dancing and I MISS HOT BOYS DOING THIS. Produced by the Neptunes too. Justin is so talented. I’m going to cry when he comes back to music. This would be one sick, sad world if he didn’t.
5ive. The Brits!
Backstreet’s Back, Alright!! You could make goofy videos. Flaunt the film buff inside of you. Hmmm?
Oh Perez, what are we to do with you?! Image via jezebel.com
Perez Hilton. The notoriously bad celebrity gossip blogger is now a notorious softy. With 5 websites updated daily by who knows how many ghost writers (he claims to write them all, but I remain suspicious), he’s built quite an empire around being Perez. But what does being Perez even mean these days?
The first huge blogger to rip some serious celebrity b-hole, is now the blogging world’s biggest chummy pre-school teacher, giving every half-assed celebrity an A for effort, for whatever new bowel movement they pushed out or paid for and called art.
The Evidence
He's friends with Gaga. SUPA JEALZ. Image via todaysmainstream.com
When I first caught on to Perez Hilton’s gossip blog, I was in love. What he said was so, so harsh, but so so entertaining. He famously called Lauren Conrad from The Hills “meat curtains”, constantly berated Samantha Ronson for being disgusting, and Lindsay Lohan for being a drug addict party girl who didn’t know how to wear underwear. He was like your bitchy best friend who you talk so much shit with about everyone you know, but mean only half of it. +3
He was kind of really mean mean to a lot of people, going above and beyond comedy or reasonable critique. -2
Now, Hilton praises mediocrity. (Nicki Minaj’s Grammy performance? I don’t think so.) -4
However, the onslaught of gay teenager suicides served as a wakeup call to Hilton. He preached tolerance and no bullying to his younger readers, yet bullied the shit out of the rich, famous and infamous celebrities on his site daily. It’s definitely a commendable move, even if it made his site a vanilla, commercial vehicle for his celebrity acquaintances, not to mention a haven for celeb shout-outs (i.e. Simon Cowell for a position on the X Factor that he’s been vying for for years). +2
In attempting to lead by example and ditch the über bully-blogger he built his website empire around, Hilton became soft. I don’t mean that he simply stopped the “meat curtain” parade of insults on boring or annoying celebrities, he morphed into a sort of perma-positive celebrity gossip preacher who lost any and all ability to have an opinion. -3
Inspiring transformation through diet and exercise. You go Glen Coco! Image via homorazzi.com
Granted, his personal life affected his shift in attitude as well. He went from an admittedly overweight and depressed man, to a fit and happy man over the surprisingly sane routine of watching his diet and exercise. He even vowed to take his shirt off in videos posted to his blog a couple of times throughout his years-long transformation from unfit to healthily svelte. After forming his second “Hilton” website, cocoperez.com, he created fitperez.com as a way to encourage others to tackle a transition to a healthy lifestyle in a sane way. +5
Constant grammar and entire word mistakes. (We all make them, but his site is world famous and makes a ton of dough!) -1
He’s friends with Lady Gaga. +2
He has a past, dirty reputation of being a downright mean person. He called Will.i.am not an “artist but a fucking faggot”, despite being a gay man who wrote a lot about gay rights. GLAAD was obviously outraged. A punch in the face was involved too. Not a pretty situation for anyone. He also, in the past, has been lambasted for misogynistic views towards women. BOOOOO! -5
He has built a brand and multiple websites that are highly successful. +5 (A point for each website, perezitos for kids, fitperez for health, cocoperez for fashion and teddyhilton for animals)
The Score
2
Ok, ok, I guess the only fence issues with Perez, my first blog-love, is his outrageous, mean mean past, and that he’s gone soft. While I look at the score, I realize it’s not a bad thing to become a more positive force in the internet world, where there are so many nasty comments elsewhere. He’s friends with Lady Gaga, which is huge in my book. I guess I just wish he’d ditch the nicey-nice, curb the holy-shit-bitch, and bring back a little of the snark that we all fell in love with. That’s all.
2PF 