Lindsay Lohan’s docuseries is ridiculous

photo from blog.zap2it
photo from blog.zap2it

I don’t know if any of you have been watching “Lindsay” on Oprah’s network (or streaming it illegally online bc wtf cable is stupid expensive) but it is all kinds of subdued hot mess.

The first 3 episodes are pretty boring. They deal with Lindsay getting out of rehab and trying to find an apartment in NYC. She throws a huge tantrum about having to live in a hotel and how stressful her monthlong search for an apartment has been. She even yells at her personal assistant a little! It’s a frustrating show to watch because it’s not that entertaining. But it’s hard to look away from a pretty, famous, rich girl. Why are we so interested in her? is the question running through my head the entire time I’m watching this show. It’s boring, but I can’t stop watching. Probably something about wanting people to succeed coupled with the devil inside of me waiting for her to snort lines of blow off an old Parent Trap DVD. We’re only 4 episodes in, so here’s hoping (j/k kind of)! This is what has happened so far in episodes 1-4.

Apartment hunting sucks for everyone

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Linday’s new NYC apartment.

I don’t know what it’s like to be fresh out of rehab, so I can’t judge her fully for her apartment searching meltdown. Her life coach keeps saying that stability and routine is key after rehab in order to foster a good environment in the real world for recovering addicts. Got it (baby girl should NOT have signed on for a documentary right out of rehab then, but that’s another story).

On the other hand, post-rehab stresses aside, apartment searching/house hunting is like one of the most stressful thing ANY person has to go through, regardless of socio-economic status and level of confusing fame. Watching Lindsay complain that she has to spend ANOTHER couple of days in a high end hotel room is not really something a person who lives with 2 roommates and has a specific job just to pay rent can relate to. That sounds like a fucking vacation.

Is this Absolutely Fabulous?

The parts in this show that are clearly norms in the upper class elite are hilarious for us fabulously poor fucks. Her private stripper pole workout class in episode 4 is hilarious. “It’s actually a really good workout,” she says. Her “Celebrity Health and Wellness Coach” is also fucking ridiculous. You could follow a few Pinterest boards for free that give you the same amount of sage advice as this lady.

Who the fuck is paying for her lifestyle?

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Lindsay yelling at her main personal assistant. Also, SHE DRINKS REGULAR POP??!?!

The big drama in episode 2 was Lindsay needing an advance on her docuseries check so she could get an apartment. She’s going shopping because she’s bored. SHE’S DRINKING SAN PELLEGRINO DURING THE WEEK FOR CHRISSAKE. At one point she even had two personal assistants. For what, you ask? To help her unpack and organize her apartment. It makes me feel really sad that she doesn’t even have a small group of good close friends that will help her move, but maybe rich people don’t know that helping someone move is what friends do.

But really, who is paying for this lifestyle? I know Oprah is reportedly paying her $2 million for this series. That seems like a LOT of money to a normal person, but she’ll probably blow through that in no time. Then what? She can’t show up on time anywhere, nobody will hire her (this is actually the trailer for episode 5) and she obviously hasn’t been able to keep her shit together all the other times after rehab. So why does Hollywood still keep “saving” her financially? Who decided that she HAS to have this lifestyle? What’s wrong with a really small apartment and a reasonable job for Lindsay Lohan? Sometimes I think it’s a blessing to have to work hard in life for the things you want, because watching people give her things and watching her become more unhappy in the process looks like a nightmare. There’s a lot of merit in earning shit yourself that I think a lot of famous people lose the privilege of experiencing.

Community service

The best part of the series so far is when Lindsay goes to her community service gig where she’s working with underprivileged little kids because it’s like the only time she laughs and looks actually happy. The kids are climbing on her, drawing and she’s helping them glue shit together. She looks normal and like she’s having fun being out with the masses. It can’t be good for a human being to lock themselves up anywhere. It must be hard because she’s trying to be sober, but shit. I have a lot of friends who aren’t heavy drinkers and who don’t take a lot of drugs who are cool. Those people exist. Just hang around a Whole Foods for like, 20 minutes. Weed through the dreadlocks and find a cool person.

We are now halfway through the series since it is an 8 week special. GOOD LUCK LINDZ. I hope you find a real job and can show up on time and don’t relapse. But there are still 4 episodes left so WHO KNOWS.

liloterry7

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Liz and Dick was exactly what you’d expect

Image via goldderby.com
Image via goldderby.com

Oh dear. By now you’ve either read all the horrible reviews of Liz and Dick, or you’ve actually seen the movie and know what’s what. Well, here are my thoughts.

  1. Lindsay Lohan was either playing a present-day version of Liz Taylor, or a 60s version of Lindsay Lohan.
  2. The guy who played Dick is WAAAAY too fucking old! Why would they pick him to be Richard Burton? I might have believed Aaron Carter more.
  3. The costumes were fucking AWESOME. At least Lindsay Lohan had some sweet fucking threads to wear. She definitely looked better in this movie than she does in any paparazzi shot, even with the cheek implants!
  4. Creed from The Office is in this movie. Also, Miranda’s boyfriend/baby daddy from Sex and the City. They do Lifetime
    Image via eonline.com
    The smoking scenes in the movie were the moments when Linds really shined. Image via eonline.com

    movies too!

  5. I’m not sure Lindsay’s shoddy performance was ENTIRELY her fault. The entire breaking-down-the-fourth-wall flashes where Liz and Dick were speaking directly to the audience was SUCH a horrible call. What kind of good director would EVER think that’s a good idea? I thought somebody decided that nobody likes breaking the fourth wall? I know I hate it. WE WANT TO BELIEVE DAMMIT!
  6. Granted, we were trying to play the Liz and Dick drinking game, so memories of most of the movie get fuzzy. But the story seemed hard to follow regardless with all the scene jumping and bad wigs.
  7. Lindsay really looked at home whenever she had a cigarette in her hands or a bottle of vodka to pull from. Method acting/her IRL behavior.

It is starting to feel gross making fun of Lindsay Lohan. This was the best she could do, and a pretty accurate view of why she was even filming a Lifetime movie in the first place. However, it is crucial to note that an equal amount of blame for this bad Lifetime movie should fall on the writers, producers and director. Regardless of the actors, Liz and Dick is a steaming pile all on its own without Lindsay’s wobbly star power to reel in the ratings.

Sidenote: gross, Danielle Fishel. Topanga has suddenly found her star reignited, so she made a spoof of Lindsay’s Liz on The Soup. It’s almost like making fun of Britney post head-shaving. Not cool bitch. Nobody was thinking of you a week ago, and now you’re shitting on a crazy actress with substance abuse problems who hits Floridan psychics?! Ugh, get off your Disney channel high horse you turd!

Lady Gaga making some questionable career choices

Image via buzzworthy.mtv.com

I’m not sure how this has flown under my radar. But shit, the 24 hour news cycle coupled with trying to get laid really narrows a girl’s news intake. Plus I don’t really read Perez anymore. All the positivity makes me disgruntled.

First of all: Lady Gaga, our dear leader, has reportedly cast Lindsay Lohan in an upcoming music video. It makes a lot of sense actually, considering that Gaga’s entire career theme is playing the part of a pop star. Now she has allegedly cast one of Hollywoods greatest-still-living trainwrecks in a music video, probably to play some kind of “tragic” persona as well, which obviously isn’t a stretch for Ms. Lohan.

Image via littlemonsters.com

Anyways, it seems like a strange career move for Lady Gaga to put her in her music vid. She is notoriously bad-behaved on sets and Gaga is a notorious hard worker. Maybe she thinks she’ll be able to save her. Trying to save anyone is always a huge disappointment, and we’ve all had enough Lilo comeback/”She’s back!” disappointments for a lifetime.

Secondly, Gaga’s next album will be titled ARTPOP, an acronym for “Artistic Revolution Through the Potential of Pop.” She even tattooed it on her arm and took a picture of it to release to her fans at littlemonsters.com. I know Gaga is talented, we all do. She’s the credible popstar who is actually involved in the composition, writing and theme of each of her albums. And for this we are grateful. However, it will be interesting to see if this is going to be another “Born This Way” uplifting, accept yourself anthem-y album, or if she’ll break out some dance hits like her first 2 albums, “The Fame” and my personal Gaga favorite “The Fame Monster”. We all know Gaga is one for absolute artistic expression, so it’s all up in the air until we hear it. Let’s keep our fingers crossed that she doesn’t take a seriously left field turn with ARTPOP, because having Gaga on the dance floor is always a delight.

Celebrité: Lindsay Lohan face fillers + SNL

Image via extratv.warnerbros.com

If this photo isn’t a warning to all young girls who “want to party” and think they’re still gonna look grat after years of substance and alcohol abuse, then I don’t know what is.

Linds! No more plastic surgery, pleeeeease. Being an actress, you need your face to move. Expressions come off less when your face can’t move or when it’s super bloaty from Juvaderm or whatever other creepy thing Hollywood has to offer as skin fillers. Gross! Doesn’t skin filler sound like something they’d put in chicken nuggets?

LL is hosting SNL tomorrow night, March 3. She reportedly badgered Lorne Michaels into letting her do the show. Oh boy. Let’s see if this is awkward self-deprication or just plain awkward. We’ve all tried to be hopeful about a Lindsay comeback for like 5 years, so we’ll believe it when we see it. Either way, we wish her good luck, right?!

Listen: Spectacle by Sean Lennon

This song is from 2006, but I thought about it in the middle of the night and had to write about it. I’ve always loved Sean Lennon’s album Friendly Fire, especially the song “Spectacle”. He also made a short film out of the album’s music (I can’t find the whole version on the internet anywhere. Come on, SL!)

At the time when the album came out in 2006, he dated/was hanging out with Lindsay Lohan (the good years: Think red hair, nice teeth and well before TV movies). And for some reason, whether true or not, I like to think this song is about her, because it fits her public persona so well.

Well I thought you were shallow/but then I fell in deep/why couldn’t you keep it our little secret/you’re my only weakness

You’re always such a spectacle/Guess it was the best you could do/Your favorite dress for the world to see through/ you spilled your drink but you didn’t mean to

Doesn’t that fit our Lilo perfectly?! Whether or not it’s about her, the lyrics definitely emulate the spectacle that has become Lindsay Lohan, even in 2006 when she was an It girl instead of (cringe) “Shit, gurl..!!”

Sean Lennon and his amazingly beautiful gerlfrën, Charlotte Kemp Muhl, wearing festive hats. Photo via freethewildflower.blogspot.com
Sean Lennon and his beautiful gerlfrën, Charlotte Kemp Muhl, wearing festive hats. Photo via freethewildflower.blogspot.com

Celebrité: Whitney updates and celebrity drug abuse

Whit! Photo via joemygod.blogspot.com

It’s being reported that Whitney Houston was found in the bathtub and that prescription pills were also found. Allegedly, at this point the theory remains that she took a Xanax and either overdosed or drowned. She was supposed to attend Clive Davis’ pre-Grammy party.

Her mother, Cissy Houston and her aunt, singer Dionne Warwick talked to her just 25 minutes before she was pronounced dead. They said they didn’t suspect anything, as they all chatted about Davis’ party and other things.

Celebrities and drug use

We miss you Amy! Photo via amazon.com

I can’t help but wonder who the next celebrity will be to lose their life after a battle with drugs. And yes, I swear everyone’s first thought is Lindsay Lohan. After Amy Winehouse and now Whitney Houston, it will be astonishing if Lindsay Lohan doesn’t try to seriously clean up her act. Sadly, I think she’s too far gone and surrounded by terrible people (her parents and enablers).

However, I won’t judge drug users, because I don’t know what it’s like to be addicted to a dangerous substance. They’ve obviously got their own demons to deal with and surely don’t need another blogger judging them for it (although one wonders if you could ever ‘tough judge’ someone like we can give ‘tough love’. I don’t think it works that way). True addiction is a cold, hard bitch.

LL at Paris Fashion Week in 2010. It's sad that we can only say "Remember how good she was in 'Mean Girls??'" Photo via imnotobsessed.com

Can you even imagine being able to get literally whatever you want, at any moment? Having that much power and money that whatever you want will be yours, and ‘no’ doesn’t exist in surrounding vocabularies. It sounds quite scary to me. Especially if one is lacking a good, stable close-knit circle of family and friends.

In pondering what can be done, I come up blank. These stars seemingly have everything: the latest high fashion, flawless nails, skin, hair and bodies. The mansion with the cars. Their pick of gorgeous men/women to love on. But time and time again they have proven to us that no matter what you physically have, nor the amazing rehab facilities you are sent to, it can’t replace a good head on your shoulders and people who dearly love you, and who you dearly love back.

Maybe Lindsay should be forced to work on Glee. Those kids seem like good, clean fun. They could be a good influence on her! But really, she’d end up getting vegan Lea Michele to eat goat cheese and get kicked off the show. It’s in the cards.

God save the Queen drug-addled celebrities.