Netflix nightcap: The Hills

Image via theneave.com

The Hills are alive, with the sound of poor acting

Oh my GOD. Reality TV at it’s fakest and finest. In a world where the Kardashians plague anything and everything from credit cards, to jeans, to mothafuckin’ Kanye, The Hills is a refreshing step into the world pre-total serious shitfest reality tv. Think of a world before Teen Mom, Jersey Shore and Twitter. Yeah. Fucking. Bizarre.

First of all, Lauren and Whitney must be the most grounded human beings to ever have been on reality television. Through their internships at Teen Vogue, you see them getting demeaned by a demanding yet totally baller boss, Lisa Love. Lauren is also going to school and trying to balance a ‘normal’ life in front of the cameras, unlike the Kardashians who are millionaires a billion times over and flaunt it to no end. (Kim’s Bentley episode, anyone? “THIS IS MY SPECIAL DAY!!!!! AND YOU’RE RUINING IT KHLOE!!!” ahahahaha!)

Image via jkmasylum.blogspot.com

Looking back at a reality show that kind of started the heavily scripted reality genre that we all know so dearly now (hello Real Housewives of Whatever), The Hills seems so, so tame. Granted, I’ve only seen a handful of episodes from the first season. But so far I haven’t seen anything too obscene except an alcoholic 18-year-old Jason, a famewhore 19-year-old Heidi and rich kids buying each other diamonds, puppies and Chanel bags at Christmas. Gawd, rich life in LA is so hard! 

If anything, The Hills is everything you need to realize what kind of person in LA you’d want to be (which is totally more important than finding a third job to be a real working adult). Lauren is a grounding snap back to reality (for reality tv that is). A real hard worker with real bad taste in men. Whitney is the good friend you want and want to be, who is nice and gets nice things in return. Audrina is the girl you try not to sound like in public, and Heidi is everything you wish you never become (because we all saw what she became and that shit is scary sad).

The boys on MTV are so shitty

What’s up with MTV never having any strong male characters on their shows? I can’t think of any. Jersey Shore=fake italian alcoholics. Teen Mom=shitty teens. Laguna Beach/The Hills=rich, drug addicted babies. The Real World=alcoholics who need serious therapy. Where the strong male characters at, MTV? Come on! The guys are mostly weak, insecure and reeeeally abusive. Being “passionate” is not an excuse for being verbally abusive, Jordan (Heidi’s bf from the first season. A total turd monger butt munch, smelly dirtbag of a sockface)

I know reality TV is not a great place to learn about relationships, especially on MTV, but for real. This shit is depressing. Can the current shitty teens of Amurrrica get ANY dudes who aren’t total cheating, mentally abusive sociopaths? Good GOD. Plus, addicts are only funny to a certain point, MTV. Exploiting them is rude as fuck.

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On the fence: Teen Mom

Image via mtv.com

Oh, Teen Mom. The infamous show detailing the struggles of teen moms from very small towns no one has ever heard of. The teen moms showcased in the show have so many problems it almost seems rude to film them and expose all their problems. But then again, maybe other teens learn from it. Let’s examine Teen Mom.

Pieces of shit like this are procreating. And then late for homeroom. Smart people, please have children. We have to offset the "Idiocracy" imbalance. Photo via starcasm.net

The Evidence

The show does show how terrible these teen moms’ lives are. If anything positive can be gained from Teen Mom, it’s that having a baby in your teens is awful and makes your life super shitty and no fun. And teens need to see that, because it ain’t glamourous. +5

The girls from the show are falling in lust with fame-and it is not being kind to them. Amber Portwood is in and out of jail for things as serious as assaulting her child’s father. She just recently avoided 5 years in prison over drug charges and will be going to rehab and a halfway house. Teen mom Leah, with two twin girls, cheated on their father right before their wedding, got divorced, got engaged again and pregnant again, all to have a miscarriage. Now it’s been reported that she wants to be a pageant mom. Reality show overload. Oh, and Jenelle is a terrible mother with drug problems and general disrespect for her mother, who is raising her child. –25

They make 6 figures from MTV. Good for them, but bad for their behavior and lifestyles. -5 

Great, call the paparazzi and hangout at the beach. Where's your kid again? Image via crushable.com

Instead of, you know, saving the biggest paycheck of her life for her future and, God forbid the future of her child, teen mom Farrah got a boob job. -10

The teen moms get way too many covers on the gossip rags. Bleg. Let’s keep it to real celebrities. I’d rather be depressed at how much the Kardashian’s make each year, instead of reading about how someone is neglecting their child for fame. -3

Maybe their stories are prime examples of why health class NEEDS to talk about something a little more than abstinence. Teens are idiots living in bubbles, they know nothing. +2

The Score

-38

I guess the gals from Teen Mom tie Chris Brown for the lowest ‘On the fence’ score. What an honor! The only positive I can find in Teen Mom is that these girls serve as a warning to other teens who are thinking about sex and having a baby at such a young age. Plus, the guys they “love,” date and unfortunately procreated with are total losers and terrible fathers too. The teen moms’ drug problems, anger control issues and lust for the spotlight are all despicable qualities, even for a reality show.

Politik: Trump endorses Romney (nobody cares)

Photo via bbc.co.uk
This was shot in Trump's bedroom in front of his dollies and action figgies. Photo via bbc.co.uk

So Donald Trump, I mean billionaire Donald Trump, has endorsed Mitt Romney as the Republican party nominee. Oh, no one cares? Astounding!

First off, I don’t think the current state of affairs in the United States warrants any billionaire to be doing anything besides being Warren Buffett. (Taxing millionaires is not class warfare. What we currently live in is class warfare. Bazinga!)

Cut your eyebrows and get real. Photo via socialhype.com
Cut your eyebrows and get real. Photo via socialhype.com

Second, Ron Donald Trump tried to be president, or at least the republican nominee in ’08, and failed miserably. Oh, and some of his companies have filed for bankruptcy 4 times. Not what our country needs at the moment Señor Trump; we have enough debt and annoying businessmen who think they can be president, thank you!

Thirdly, who the fuck listens to Donald Trump anymore? Is he still relevant? I mean, his ‘your fiyad’ bit was funny for like a week in math class circa 2006. Maybe there’s a group of nomads trapped in a cave with a television permanently on, and the only thing playing is whatever the fuck his crappy show is called. I mean, he can’t even get real celebrities on his show. He’s no better than the producers of Teen Mom 2. Think about it.

Fourth, he supported the birther claim. Proof he’s a jerkface ninny muggins who needs to be shaved and left outside in June with no sunscreen on. Yeah, I mean business.

Rich people are annoying. Go away, Donald Trump. Forever.