Being Famous: Drake is channeling pop stars

Image via degrassi.wikia.com

What Would Jimmy Do? (He’d be a famewhore)

Drake and Chris Brown FightFightFight!

I’ve never heard a Drake song that I didn’t like. He’s got style, cool lyrics, great producers and Rihanna.  And come on, he used to be Jimmy from Degrassi: The Next Generation (the best thing to ever come from Canada btw). So why did he throw a bottle at Chris Brown causing everything from cuts, a shut down club and a 20 million dollar lawsuit from Tony Parker? (Can somebody make a tumblr of people pretending to be cut from this fight?)

The details are messy, but rumors have it that CB sent D a bottle of something amazing I’m sure, and then Drake sent him a note across the cafeteria that said “I’m fucking the love of your life.” Then they got into a fight over Rihanna. That’s when the bottles smashing really took off. It’s rumored that Drake’s side threw the bottle(s).

The bottle party! Image via thejasminebrand.com

For some reason, it seems really strange that Drake would get into this sort of trouble. Throwing a bottle in a club? Really? You played a handicapped kid on a popular Canadian teen show. He a Jewish Canadian African American who grew up in a wealthy neighborhood, attended a Jewish day school and had a bar mitzvah. I’m quite sure they didn’t teach throwing bottles and getting into fights with pop performers at the Jewish day school. 

But no worries, because Drake has learned a valuable lesson in Being Famous. With our 24 hour news cycle and twitter on EVERY phone imaginable, everything is always news, and people luuuuuuv to talk. Furthermore, you’ve got to really do something crazy to stay in the media for weeks. You can’t just wear a revealing outfit these days. That’s like half a day news. You need to murder a homeless man a week before your new album comes out, just to break even. The more people are hearing about you, the more they know your name, the more they listen the more they buy. You’ve just really gotta do outrageous shit to stay relevant in 2012.

Just take a look at past Being Famous participants:

Image via thejasminebrand.com

Well played, Drake. You are wisely following in some great big footsteps, my friend.

PLUS, getting into a fight with America’s least favorite person doesn’t immediately make people dislike him, because everyone has secretly been wishing for someone to kick the shit out of Chris Brown ever since he hit Rihanna. Don’t lie! The only negative is all the bystanders who got cut up. So it’s like win-win-ish.

I can’t wait to see what he does next. Will it be nude photos accidentally tweeted? Maybe it will be a weapons charge. OR he’ll get married to a stripper in vegas, then an annulment. The ridiculousness can only get better from here on out. Welcome, Drake.

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Music: Gotye is playing stadiums… why?

Cute bitch. Image via usatoday.com

Gotye Tour

A stadium tour for Gotye and his one massive hit single. What? Isn’t that a little… presumptuous?

I mean, don’t get me wrong. His song “Somebody That I Used to Know” is a great jam, he’s really cute and I’m sure a superb musical talent. But can’t you just see the crowd at the stadium, on the edge of their seats, ignoring all the other songs, waiting to hear him belt out “But you didn’t have to CUT ME OFFF!!!” because it’s the only song they know from his repertoire? Who knows. Maybe everyone who watched that video (all 247 million views!) bought the CD and knows most of his jams. I guess we’ll have to wait for ticket sales to come in and then we’ll know just what kind of star this guy is gonna be this year.

By the by, Rihanna couldn’t fill stadiums on her last tour. She has over 24 number 1 Top 40 hits, and Gotye has 1.

Celebrité: Chris Brown’s new song title is shocking

Who the fuck in their right mind would ever believe a song called “Sweet Love” by Chris Brown? I guess if “Sweet Love” means “I’m a Fucking Dick” then he’s got it spot on! He is such a butthole sniffer, seriously. Beats the shit out of Rihanna, calls her a slut in a song, and then releases a song called “Sweet Love”. I’ve got some more realistic song titles for good ol’ CB to work on:

I Suck

I Don’t Deserve Anything I Have

My Fans are Delusional

I Don’t Sing Live (But I’ll Dance a Lot and Look Tired Doing It)

Remember When I Beat Up My Girlfriend (Me Too)

Jerkface (Imma get me some of dat)

I’ve seen everything now. Good Lord. Oy vey. Mamma mia. Dios mio. Chris Brown needs to please stop everything he’s doing. His anger issues, Rihanna, Good Morning America and God knows what else, are so sketchy man. Why is the industry promoting him? People make mistakes, but this guy is a fucking piece of dirty gum stuck inside a truck stop toilet that people are still chewing on. Gross. In the words of the great Liz Lemon, “I reject Chris Brown’s comeback!”

(and yeah, that is a video for Sisqo. The chord progressions are cool)

Alert the Pope: Rihanna unfollows Chris Brown on Twitter

Image via tmz.com

It’s exactly how it sounds. Rihanna has FINALLY come to her senses and unfollowed Chris Brown. Holy shit, breaking news. (so sad that our entertainment industry is so spotty that celebrity drama is like it’s own, real life show told through gossip bloggers in LA and magazines)

Thank you, Pope, for asking God for this miracle. We really owe you one. Image via polishamericancenter.org

After Chris Brown released a version of Kanye’s “Theraflu” in which he freestyles “Don’t f*ck with my old bitches / like a bad fur / every industry n*gga done had her.” WTF. Rihanna suspects it’s about her, because why wouldn’t it be she’s fuckingRihanna. Chris Brown is like the lowest life form imaginable. He beats the shit out of her, she forgives him and they remix songs together (and maybe some sex) and then she probably got bored and left him for good, spawning a tasteless verse in a remix of a Kanye song.

Is that gonna be a recurring plot? Like once a year someone gets salty at an ex in a remixed version of anything Kanye. Katy Perry would be first in line I bet.

Rihanna is becoming quite the leading lady in the tabloids. Unfollowing Chris Brown on Twitter is like the reality show star announcing a pregnancy. Those raggy mags are soaking up ALL the social media drama! What modern times!

Check it: Rihanna Unfollows Chris Brown on Twitter — You Finally Crossed the Line | TMZ.com.

Rihanna as the Princess of China

Image via facebook

Charming! Here’s Rihanna on the set of her and Coldplay’s new video for “Princess of China.” Why’s she so angry all the time?! I’d like to see some photos of her on a lake, with frizzy lake hair, no makeup and a HUGE smile, ya know?

On the fence: Katy Perry

This is my least favorite Perry look. No more short hair please! You're such a doll with long long long locks. Image via heart.co.uk

I’ve never been a huge fan of Katy Perry.

When Katy Perry hit it big, I was studying abroad and drinking caipirinhas in Brazil. Fresh off of sophomore year of college, I could just imagine all the girls who hang out at frat parties making out to Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” for attention and free drinks they would have gotten for free anyways because they are girls talking to shitty frat boy people.

Anyways, a friend of mine once pointed out that “I Kissed a Girl” brought Perry to the beginning of fame, but she neglected to speak out on behalf of gay rights after she used lesbianism to shoot her to the top. Gross, KP. What else puts Katy Perry on the fence? Let’s examine.

The Evidence

Get your roots done, gurl! You aren't a poor 20 something! Image via blog.lockandmane.com

Katy has never been one for good style. She wears outlandish getups and has crazy hair, but when it comes to fashion she has none. I can’t tell if she’s just trying to keep up with Lady Gaga, but honey please. You ain’t Lady Gaga. -5

At least she isn’t trying to be Gaga. She’s smart enough to leave all the Gaga-esque things to our lady of Gaga. +2

Vapid song choice and writing makes for pretty shallow albums. She kissed girls, noticed that boys can be hot’n’cold and that california girls are better than everyone else. We know pop music is known for it’s shallow yet good sounding songs, but good God. Madonna, the Queen of Pop, never sounded this stupid. And once Gaga hit the scene, I thought everyone would step up the songwriting a little. I guess not. -3

However, she does know how to make pop songs that people will buy and eat eat eat all up. That takes some smarts, no matter how dumb the songs are. People buy them, and music is a business, right? +3

More times than not, she has awful fucking hair. Just bad bad bad. The colored bob with roots is just bad. You have money, you should have the best hair! -2

She married Russell Brand, and then a year later got divorced, lending to the ever growing number of celebrity quickie marriage and divorces. Boo! Yes, people sometimes make mistakes. But especially in Hollywood with so many crazy, global work schedules, you’d think they’d have some kind of marriage counseling for stars to warn them of the hardships of a traveling marriage. New reality show? -1

Please don't let Rihanna help you date! Image via jenniferbrix.com

I’ve never seen a truly breathtaking live performance. She always has a lot of big and bold fruits and candies flying around, but in terms of “Holy shit, that was the best performance ever”, that has never once happened during a Katy Perry concert. -4

Her best friend is Rihanna. And Rihanna is reportedly trying to find her a new man. Oh boy. Run, Katy, RUN!!!!! 0

Her songs ARE fun to dance too after like 3 vodka Redbulls, and they are also good workout music. +5

“E.T.” sounds exactly like T.A.T.U.’s “All The Things She Said.” Don’t rip off the Russians, Katy. You never know what kind of vodka potato guns they’ll shoot at you at European music awards. -1

It’s being reported that her next album will be a return to her “roots,” both follicle-y and musically speaking. She said “I’ve always just been me and my guitar; and I’m not saying I’m going to make that record, but I do want to get back to my roots. I’ve been changing my hair color too much!” Oh the puns! And the record execs would never let her make a just her and her guitar album, because we’d be yawing 2 minutes in. But good for her for having goals! +1

The Score

-5

Katy Perry is on the top of the Pop charts at every turn of the corner. There’s no doubt that she’s solidified her presence in the oftentimes superficial arena of pop music. But will she ever get a little more artistic than ripping off Russians and dancing around with candy glued to her chest? Only time will tell!