I’ve never been a huge fan of Katy Perry.

When Katy Perry hit it big, I was studying abroad and drinking caipirinhas in Brazil. Fresh off of sophomore year of college, I could just imagine all the girls who hang out at frat parties making out to Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” for attention and free drinks they would have gotten for free anyways because they are girls talking to shitty frat boy people.

Anyways, a friend of mine once pointed out that “I Kissed a Girl” brought Perry to the beginning of fame, but she neglected to speak out on behalf of gay rights after she used lesbianism to shoot her to the top. Gross, KP. What else puts Katy Perry on the fence? Let’s examine.

The Evidence

Katy has never been one for good style. She wears outlandish getups and has crazy hair, but when it comes to fashion she has none. I can’t tell if she’s just trying to keep up with Lady Gaga, but honey please. You ain’t Lady Gaga. -5

At least she isn’t trying to be Gaga. She’s smart enough to leave all the Gaga-esque things to our lady of Gaga. +2

Vapid song choice and writing makes for pretty shallow albums. She kissed girls, noticed that boys can be hot’n’cold and that california girls are better than everyone else. We know pop music is known for it’s shallow yet good sounding songs, but good God. Madonna, the Queen of Pop, never sounded this stupid. And once Gaga hit the scene, I thought everyone would step up the songwriting a little. I guess not. -3

However, she does know how to make pop songs that people will buy and eat eat eat all up. That takes some smarts, no matter how dumb the songs are. People buy them, and music is a business, right? +3

More times than not, she has awful fucking hair. Just bad bad bad. The colored bob with roots is just bad. You have money, you should have the best hair! -2

She married Russell Brand, and then a year later got divorced, lending to the ever growing number of celebrity quickie marriage and divorces. Boo! Yes, people sometimes make mistakes. But especially in Hollywood with so many crazy, global work schedules, you’d think they’d have some kind of marriage counseling for stars to warn them of the hardships of a traveling marriage. New reality show? -1

I’ve never seen a truly breathtaking live performance. She always has a lot of big and bold fruits and candies flying around, but in terms of “Holy shit, that was the best performance ever”, that has never once happened during a Katy Perry concert. -4

Her best friend is Rihanna. And Rihanna is reportedly trying to find her a new man. Oh boy. Run, Katy, RUN!!!!! 0

Her songs ARE fun to dance too after like 3 vodka Redbulls, and they are also good workout music. +5

“E.T.” sounds exactly like T.A.T.U.’s “All The Things She Said.” Don’t rip off the Russians, Katy. You never know what kind of vodka potato guns they’ll shoot at you at European music awards. -1

It’s being reported that her next album will be a return to her “roots,” both follicle-y and musically speaking. She said “I’ve always just been me and my guitar; and I’m not saying I’m going to make that record, but I do want to get back to my roots. I’ve been changing my hair color too much!” Oh the puns! And the record execs would never let her make a just her and her guitar album, because we’d be yawing 2 minutes in. But good for her for having goals! +1

The Score

-5

Katy Perry is on the top of the Pop charts at every turn of the corner. There’s no doubt that she’s solidified her presence in the oftentimes superficial arena of pop music. But will she ever get a little more artistic than ripping off Russians and dancing around with candy glued to her chest? Only time will tell!