Netflix nightcap: The Hills

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The Hills are alive, with the sound of poor acting

Oh my GOD. Reality TV at it’s fakest and finest. In a world where the Kardashians plague anything and everything from credit cards, to jeans, to mothafuckin’ Kanye, The Hills is a refreshing step into the world pre-total serious shitfest reality tv. Think of a world before Teen Mom, Jersey Shore and Twitter. Yeah. Fucking. Bizarre.

First of all, Lauren and Whitney must be the most grounded human beings to ever have been on reality television. Through their internships at Teen Vogue, you see them getting demeaned by a demanding yet totally baller boss, Lisa Love. Lauren is also going to school and trying to balance a ‘normal’ life in front of the cameras, unlike the Kardashians who are millionaires a billion times over and flaunt it to no end. (Kim’s Bentley episode, anyone? “THIS IS MY SPECIAL DAY!!!!! AND YOU’RE RUINING IT KHLOE!!!” ahahahaha!)

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Looking back at a reality show that kind of started the heavily scripted reality genre that we all know so dearly now (hello Real Housewives of Whatever), The Hills seems so, so tame. Granted, I’ve only seen a handful of episodes from the first season. But so far I haven’t seen anything too obscene except an alcoholic 18-year-old Jason, a famewhore 19-year-old Heidi and rich kids buying each other diamonds, puppies and Chanel bags at Christmas. Gawd, rich life in LA is so hard! 

If anything, The Hills is everything you need to realize what kind of person in LA you’d want to be (which is totally more important than finding a third job to be a real working adult). Lauren is a grounding snap back to reality (for reality tv that is). A real hard worker with real bad taste in men. Whitney is the good friend you want and want to be, who is nice and gets nice things in return. Audrina is the girl you try not to sound like in public, and Heidi is everything you wish you never become (because we all saw what she became and that shit is scary sad).

The boys on MTV are so shitty

What’s up with MTV never having any strong male characters on their shows? I can’t think of any. Jersey Shore=fake italian alcoholics. Teen Mom=shitty teens. Laguna Beach/The Hills=rich, drug addicted babies. The Real World=alcoholics who need serious therapy. Where the strong male characters at, MTV? Come on! The guys are mostly weak, insecure and reeeeally abusive. Being “passionate” is not an excuse for being verbally abusive, Jordan (Heidi’s bf from the first season. A total turd monger butt munch, smelly dirtbag of a sockface)

I know reality TV is not a great place to learn about relationships, especially on MTV, but for real. This shit is depressing. Can the current shitty teens of Amurrrica get ANY dudes who aren’t total cheating, mentally abusive sociopaths? Good GOD. Plus, addicts are only funny to a certain point, MTV. Exploiting them is rude as fuck.

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On the fence: Jersey Shore

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Oh dear lord, Jersey Shore. Inescapable. I’ve seen only a few half episodes of Jersey Shore, as that was as much partying, fist pumping and hair gel I could possibly stomach for one evening.

So, why are the Jersey Shore kids and their show so popular? It’s basically watching hot-headed folks “from” New Jersey (most are not from NJ) get drunk, get into fights and sleep around. Great. That’s original (and not at all like freshman year of college)! Nonetheless, they may have some redeeming qualities hiding under old rum and cokes and empty cigarette boxes. Let’s examine.

Come on ladies, work out your problems with reasonable conversation over some pinot grigio. It can be quite nice! Image via

The Evidence

They GTL. Gym, okay. It’s good to work out. Tan, no way. That is not healthy at all for your body, and promoting tanning to a bunch of  impressionable young kids and teens (because that’s all who watches MTV these days I suppose. I don’t know many peers who have even thought about MTV past their days of TRL) Laundry, yes. It’s important. +2

They get shitfaced. Beyond shitfaced. Getting into or starting fights with complete strangers at bars is so, so wrong. Not only is it exhausting, it’s terrible if this is seen as normal behavior in public and especially when alcohol is involved. Acting like this in real life would get anyone rightfully banned from said establishment, and maybe even arrested and into legal trouble. Not cool. Nobody likes a drunk who likes to fight. Their presence is a social liability. Plus, Snooki recently peed herself on the dancefloor. I don’t know in which universe that is acceptable, let alone dealt with by covering up the smell with perfume. So, so wrong and very unladylike, Ms. Snooki! -10 

The kids (adults, although I like calling them kids because they barely meet the requirements of being adults) were so entertaining in the first season, that they’ve continued to be the ‘Jersey Shore kids’ throughout the series. I guess the substance-abuse and mental case gems they find for the Real World  never had as much charisma as the Jersey Shore kids do. So, good for them for keeping a steady job. +5 

Getting arrested is neither chic nor cool. Unless it's for a revolution. I'm pretty sure in Snooki's case it was not. Image via INF Daily/Big and

Somebody named his abs and persona ‘The Situation’. Ugh. -3

They are famous for getting drunk, partying and acting crazy. That’s a good message to send out. Be a jerk, abuse alcohol and you can be famous! More MTV’s fault than theirs, but still. -2

In between JS tapings, DJ Pauly D is touring and working as a real DJ, even performing at shows as big as Britney’s latest tour. Two jobs? In this economy? That’s something to write home about. Plus, anything Britney I’m a fan of. +2

Snooki writes books and has been on the New York Times bestsellers list (or allegedly has a ghost writer do most of the work). Jeals! 0

They know how to cook and sometimes have ‘family’ dinners. That’s a plus for any 20 something. +1

The Score


So, their redeeming qualities are having jobs, working out and doing their laundry. I could be describing Jim Halpert or Dexter, for Christsake! The constant partying, fights and peeing on dancefloors are all totally unacceptable human behavior. No matter if they are ‘acting’ like reality TV stars, they’re still the poster children for getting completely shitfaced to a large viewership of minors. Although they don’t seem like the worst human beings alive, I’m still unimpressed with why they are famous in the first place.