Television: Nicki Minaj needs to cool it on American Idol

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We all know by now that these huge shows like American Idol, X Factor, Buttholes of Turd City, thrive on “Omg, backstage drama behind the scenes! Someone gets mad- and it’s NOT who you think! Next on E!” (FYI it’s always exactly who you think.) Nicki Minaj was recently recorded saying she was gonna seriously fuck some Mariah Carey shit up at a taping of American Idol. Bleh. In the iconic words of Stephanie Tanner, “how rude!”

Another manufactured feud! How delightful! Image via

Reason number 1 this entire thing was leaked to the press: to get press. If Nicki Minaj was seriously threatening to shoot Mariah Carey (the shooting comment wasn’t recorded, but Mariah told the press it happened so it must be a golden truth), like actually fire a gun at and hit her in the flesh to take her life a la gangsta rap circa 96, I don’t think it would be such a lassiez faire piece of midweek gossip.

Has pop culture gotten so accustomed to crazy fucking shit on television that we are now OK with pop stars threatening violence against each other? It doesn’t matter if it was just a ploy for press or if Minaj actually meant what she said. It just shouldn’t be acceptable to threaten to shoot somebody or beat them up, ESPECIALLY not at work, and be able to keep your job! Plus, with all the crazy shootings that happen in this country every couple of weeks, you’d think Hollywood would have a little social responsibility in not fueling gun violence and generally shitty fucking things. Oh, wait.

What’s next? Nicki Minaj guns some people down to a Eurotrash beat for a Pepsi commercial endorsed by Meth for Kids©? Pop culture is getting exciting.

Anyways, nobody at American Idol seems to be worried that there are gun threats floating around the judges panel at American Idol. Everyone’s just like “oh no, that’s crazy” in a total April from Parks and Rec voice. Because really? Another “feud between divas!!!” is so passé. Especially if they involve Mariah Carey, Christina Aguilera, or any other “diva” who would be feuding with an actual piece of human shit if it stole the spotlight from them.

Y’all ain’t no Britneys, and we can smell your famewhore, calculated intention a billion light years away. Cut the lame shit and find middle America someone to forget to see at Walmart concerts next summer.

Gossip folk: American Idol, Do Something! Awards, and Taylor Swift at the VMAs

“American Idol, where washed up people go to have only slightly less terrible careers!” Image via

American Idol judge rumors

Reports have been circulating completely leaked by anyone who works at American Idol that a bunch of HUGE OMG stars are considering judging on American Idol next season. I’ve read reports that Kanye, Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey are all rumored to be in consideration for a judge spot on the biggest “that show is still on?” show on TV.

First of all, no. Anyone with an actual artistic career (Kanye and Nicki) would be an idiot to accept a position like this on TV. American Idol is used not so much as a platform for hopeful nobodies to never finally earn notoriety, but more as a restart button for stars who have faded from the spotlight and need to fuel their addiction to gay russian squirrel porn pay their bills and egos. Exhibit A:

Groundbreaking. Image via
  1. Paula Abdul wasn’t doin’ shit before she was on the show, besides starring in scat videos. I wouldn’t know if she was a household name when her career hit its peak for that month in 1993 because I learning how to spell and shit. But if she hadn’t been a judge on American Idol, not many people would remember her mediocre pop career.
  2. J Lo had a failed marriage and some kids, but wasn’t really doing anything in the realm of entertainment. It’s funny that she’s so famous, because I don’t think she’s ever done anything that’s earned critical praise post In Living Color. Or any kind of praise at all. It’s a corporate conspiracy!
  3. Stephen Tyler, who the fuck knows. He was bored? He got sober and needed something to distract him from drugs and boozey treats?

See? Nobody ACTUALLY relevant and present-day successful becomes a judge on a shitty television show where you have to vote for people you’ll see at your local Walmart during their summer “tour.” That being said, let’s expect to welcome Mariah Carey to American Idol this fall, with the perfect amount of “you’ll never be as good as me” enthusiasm that the young kids really need to hear more of these days.

Do Something! Awards aka C-list celebrities sniffing their own farts

Oh great. Pseudo-celebs gathering on VH1 (seriously, what the fuck happened to that network) to praise themselves and each other for BEING SO GREAT at the Do Something! Awards. Isn’t the point of doing charity work helping others and not calling attention to how great you are?! Sure, it’s nice to party, and I’m sure it’s even nicer to party and be on TV (even if it IS on VH1). But good god. Famewhores alert! Is Ryan Lochte gonna be there too?!

The stunning presenter list includes Kristin Bell, John Cho, Olivia Munn, Will Ferrell, Harry Shum, Jr. I don’t know who the last guy is. Fitting!

Taylor Swift at the VMAs

So I saw this promo for the MTV VMAs with Taylor Swift and Kevin Hart.


And this is what came to mind: Her deadpan is actually really good, and girlfriend could use about 5 cigarettes a day. I would love to hear a gritty, cigged-out Taylor Swift throat singing all her “you should fuck off and die, bastard!” songs. Let’s start a campaign!

On the fence: Nicki Minaj

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Nicki Minaj. Loud, weird, split-personalitied. What’s her deal? I’m leaning off the fence with her antics and uninteresting career. Let’s give her a good look.

The Evidence

She made a name for herself by doing feature spots on lots of successful songs, namely “Monster” by Kanye West. Her part in that song is so fucking rad. She was getting “50k for a verse” when she had “no album out.” That’s pretty awesome. +5 

Embarrassing and tired. Image via

Her Grammys performance was tired. The Catholic church thing has been done by Madonna, Gaga, Sinead O’Connor, etc. Not to say that only ladies growing up under Catholicism can perform using Catholic imagery and metaphors, but it’s just a tired concept. It’s boring. It’s no longer shocking or edgy to dance suggestively while criticizing Catholicism. It’s been done. A BILLION TIMES. Next! -2

The split personality thing is exhausting and a little mentally frightening. It seems like a cheap marketing ploy and a creatively busy subject. Sure, Madonna reinvents herself. But that floats along with an album. Is it too much to deal with multiple personalities on one album? Beyoncé’s Sasha Fierce was way cool, but Garth Brooks’ split personality Chris Gaines pretty much ended his career. Nicki’s personalities are hard to keep up with, especially this early on in her career. Is one personality not enough to keep Nicki Minaj’s career afloat? -3

Her style always looks as if she’s trying to out-gaga Gaga, and also like she’s just putting on crazy shit for the sake of putting on crazy shit. Musicians tend to dress a little cray though, so it’s nothing really new or specific to Nicki Minaj. Her style is just annoying. 

Does anyone else think that's an unflattering pose. Image via

Ahh, the hip hop feud. Yes. You’re coming right along, Nicki Minaj! Granted, Lil Kim probably started this one to garner press for her non-existent career. The “hip hop” feud is kind of a right of passage into the world of hip hop and beyond. If you’ve ever been to rap battles or simply listened to hip hop or rap, it’s a sort of art form lyrically speaking within the genre. Biggie and Tupac did it, 50 Cent and Ja Rule, Jay-Z and Nas, etc. So what’s wrong with the ladies getting into it? Besides, who knows how deep many of these feuds run. After what happened to Biggie and Tupac, many of these “beefs” may be mostly for publicity. Red meat kills! 0

Plastic surgery? Ugh. It’s so passé. Gaga’s got a nose and she fucking rocks. The nose job, the alleged butt implant?! WTF is that anyways? It’s hard to take people seriously and to see them as “real” when their bodies are created in a surgical room? Embrace yourself, don’t break and remake yourself. Aight? -2

Her new song with David Guetta is a definite departure from hip hop into electronic pop. But can she actually sing, or is this a bunch of auto-tune baloney? Because she sounds exactly like Rihanna in the chorus. You wouldn’t know this was Nicki Minaj until she started rapping in the short bridge. Exploring different genres is cool, but this song is kind of a bland and easy foray into pop music money. 

Speaking of POP, Nicki just signed a deal with Pepsi to be the spokeswoman for their new product, creatively called Pop. Amazing marketing, as it’s apparent from her David Guetta collab that she will indeed be dipping a toe into the money mountain that is pop music and pop music’s endorsement deals. I foresee a lot of four-chord song variations with edgy yet radio-friendly rap spurts and an obligatory Kanye/Drake/whoever the industry tells us is “hot” collab. It’s not like this isn’t what happens on every pop music album, but as a probable genre switcher from hip hop to pop, I’d expect a little more creativity. 

Honey, no. Image via

The Score


A lot of my scoring comes from my honest inability to find anything that Nicki Minaj does interesting. Her weird outfits are nothing new, fashion forward or exciting. Her features on other people’s songs are awesome, but her album Pink Friday was only OK. And her split personalities are lame. She’s exhausting and confusing. I will be surprised if she is still around in 5 years.

Grammy fashion hits, misses and hot messes

HIT: Taylor Swift in Zuhair Murad

Taylor Swift was impeccably dressed and styled. This girl is getting some really good fashion and style advice, or she just has an eye for great pieces.

HIT: Adele in Armani

I LOVE LOVE LOVE Adele’s look for the Grammys. Her hair looks a little lighter than usual and it’s shorter. It’s fresh, much like her return to music. The lipstick and earrings compliment the gorgeous dress. I love long dresses so much, and hers looks glamourous and absolutely perfect for all the Grammys she’s gonna take home!!

Hit: Rihanna in Armani

HOT HOT HOT. Rihanna looked confident and very sexy in the Versace dress she helped design. The plunging neckline shows off her killer abs (holy moly!) Stunning.

Hit: Jessie J in Julien MacDonald

I loved this look immediately when I saw it. It’s shiny, fun and perfect for the Grammys! Jessie J definitely did good at her first Grammy awards.

Miss: Robyn

Robyn’s outfit is very much her. I think the shoes are pretty cool, and the dress is cool too, but not for the Grammys. But to be honest, it looked a lot better on camera than in a photo, because in the photo, her “train” looks a little an unraveled roll of fabulous toilet paper. And the t-shirt top is a little confusing as well. But fuck it, Robyn rocks.

Miss: Katy Perry

The dress is really pretty, but her hair ruins this look. It’s not so much the color, but the poofy updo. Also, the dress is kind of a preview into pastel colors for spring, but it would be better suited in an old Florence and the Machine video than the 2012 Grammys.

Miss: Fergie in Jean-Paul Gaultier

Oh, sweet Fergie Ferg. She always wants so bad to be the wild card fashionista of the night, but she always, always falls short. The silhouette of the lace dress is gorgeous, and the color is simply spectacular. There’s just something off about this outfit. It could be her timid-ish attitude, or her hair and earrings paired with the visible lingerie. Because really, if you’re going to wear this outfit, you better have the fucking personality to pull it off.

Hot Mess: Taraji P. Henson

This is my worst dressed pick. Oh my God. This looks like something straight from a small town prom. The cut and fabric look so bad in photos, I wonder if the dress was better in person. I won’t hold my breath. There are just so many things that are wrong with this dress. She could have look so so so much better. Fire your stylist, now! (And good God, if you don’t have one, get one)

HOT MESS: Nicki Minaj’s Catholic Grammys

Yes, it was daring and it definitely got the people going, but I despised Nikki Minaj’s outfit and Pope date. First of all, it looks like a cape 3 sizes too big for her. Yes, Versace is a genius but good lord, that was more fit for a midnight showing of Lord of the Rings over the Grammys. Also, why Catholic? Is she creeping in on Lady Gaga and Madonna’s affliction for bad catholic girls? I’m ALL FOR exciting and strange Grammy outfits, but this one is just confusing.

Host: LL Cool J

LL Cool J did a fantastic job hosting the Grammys! He was calm, cool and collected. A perfect pick for host. Good job Cool!

Images via Larry Busacca/Getty Images and TMZ