Lindsay Lohan’s docuseries is ridiculous

photo from blog.zap2it
photo from blog.zap2it

I don’t know if any of you have been watching “Lindsay” on Oprah’s network (or streaming it illegally online bc wtf cable is stupid expensive) but it is all kinds of subdued hot mess.

The first 3 episodes are pretty boring. They deal with Lindsay getting out of rehab and trying to find an apartment in NYC. She throws a huge tantrum about having to live in a hotel and how stressful her monthlong search for an apartment has been. She even yells at her personal assistant a little! It’s a frustrating show to watch because it’s not that entertaining. But it’s hard to look away from a pretty, famous, rich girl. Why are we so interested in her? is the question running through my head the entire time I’m watching this show. It’s boring, but I can’t stop watching. Probably something about wanting people to succeed coupled with the devil inside of me waiting for her to snort lines of blow off an old Parent Trap DVD. We’re only 4 episodes in, so here’s hoping (j/k kind of)! This is what has happened so far in episodes 1-4.

Apartment hunting sucks for everyone

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Linday’s new NYC apartment.

I don’t know what it’s like to be fresh out of rehab, so I can’t judge her fully for her apartment searching meltdown. Her life coach keeps saying that stability and routine is key after rehab in order to foster a good environment in the real world for recovering addicts. Got it (baby girl should NOT have signed on for a documentary right out of rehab then, but that’s another story).

On the other hand, post-rehab stresses aside, apartment searching/house hunting is like one of the most stressful thing ANY person has to go through, regardless of socio-economic status and level of confusing fame. Watching Lindsay complain that she has to spend ANOTHER couple of days in a high end hotel room is not really something a person who lives with 2 roommates and has a specific job just to pay rent can relate to. That sounds like a fucking vacation.

Is this Absolutely Fabulous?

The parts in this show that are clearly norms in the upper class elite are hilarious for us fabulously poor fucks. Her private stripper pole workout class in episode 4 is hilarious. “It’s actually a really good workout,” she says. Her “Celebrity Health and Wellness Coach” is also fucking ridiculous. You could follow a few Pinterest boards for free that give you the same amount of sage advice as this lady.

Who the fuck is paying for her lifestyle?

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Lindsay yelling at her main personal assistant. Also, SHE DRINKS REGULAR POP??!?!

The big drama in episode 2 was Lindsay needing an advance on her docuseries check so she could get an apartment. She’s going shopping because she’s bored. SHE’S DRINKING SAN PELLEGRINO DURING THE WEEK FOR CHRISSAKE. At one point she even had two personal assistants. For what, you ask? To help her unpack and organize her apartment. It makes me feel really sad that she doesn’t even have a small group of good close friends that will help her move, but maybe rich people don’t know that helping someone move is what friends do.

But really, who is paying for this lifestyle? I know Oprah is reportedly paying her $2 million for this series. That seems like a LOT of money to a normal person, but she’ll probably blow through that in no time. Then what? She can’t show up on time anywhere, nobody will hire her (this is actually the trailer for episode 5) and she obviously hasn’t been able to keep her shit together all the other times after rehab. So why does Hollywood still keep “saving” her financially? Who decided that she HAS to have this lifestyle? What’s wrong with a really small apartment and a reasonable job for Lindsay Lohan? Sometimes I think it’s a blessing to have to work hard in life for the things you want, because watching people give her things and watching her become more unhappy in the process looks like a nightmare. There’s a lot of merit in earning shit yourself that I think a lot of famous people lose the privilege of experiencing.

Community service

The best part of the series so far is when Lindsay goes to her community service gig where she’s working with underprivileged little kids because it’s like the only time she laughs and looks actually happy. The kids are climbing on her, drawing and she’s helping them glue shit together. She looks normal and like she’s having fun being out with the masses. It can’t be good for a human being to lock themselves up anywhere. It must be hard because she’s trying to be sober, but shit. I have a lot of friends who aren’t heavy drinkers and who don’t take a lot of drugs who are cool. Those people exist. Just hang around a Whole Foods for like, 20 minutes. Weed through the dreadlocks and find a cool person.

We are now halfway through the series since it is an 8 week special. GOOD LUCK LINDZ. I hope you find a real job and can show up on time and don’t relapse. But there are still 4 episodes left so WHO KNOWS.

liloterry7

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In defense of Ted Mosby

RADNOR

I get it. You hate Ted Mosby. His obsession with finding “the one” and confessing his love within 5 minutes of meeting any pretty girl who doesn’t have the personality of a bag of rocks is a little infuriating. His romantic style is definitely annoying to the point where many people couldn’t watch the show because they hated him so much. I used to be one of those people. But now I’m not. Right before the series finale, I must admit: I kinda like Ted Mosby. Stay with me.

  1. It is so fucking easy to be cynical. Suspiciously too easy. Ted may have had his moments of hopelessness when it came to finding love, but he never actually gave up. As stupid as it sounds, we need people like that who keep reminding us that magic could exist, if only we could just stop being pessimistic, horrible cool kids.
  2. He tried everything. I just went through the series for the first time this year after years of “ew, no.”  After a couple of seasons, a pattern of spontaneity emerged in Ted. Sure, it’s insane that he jumps the gun on any possible romantic moment that could ever be squeezed out of a crusty turd, but god dammit, the kid’s got spunk. If you ever needed someone to do something insane with, he’d probably be there with you.
  3. He’s probably a freak in bed. I said that to a friend the other day and they were begging me to stop the imagery. Whatever. Ted has slept with so many people, he’s had to have picked up some good moves. Or a couple of STIs because he slept around a LOT. Either way, All Adventurous Women Do. You do you, Ted.
  4. He’s a really good friend. He would do anything for any of his friends. Like, probably hide a dead body or not tell the police that you set your ex’s mailbox on fire. That’s respectable.
  5. He has a job. He’s probably got a savings account you could steal from when you tell him you love him and he proposes a joint checking after like a week.
  6. He’s not totally disgusting. Inside OR out, he’s a pretty alright dude if you can get past the incessant soulmate searching. But really, maybe people hate him so much because we’ve all got a little Ted Mosby living inside of us, wishing that a soulmate existed and that we would find them someday, and it would be the coolest day of our lives.

how-i-met-your-mother-group-bar-main

I haven’t watched any of season 9 of How I Met Your Mother, because binge watching is so much more fun than week to week. But for those of you who are watching the final episode live tonight on TV, I hope the episode is everything you dreamed a series ending and an insanely long love saga would be.

Olympics: What the fuck NBC!!!

Image via extratv.com

NBC is SO dropping the ball with the Olympics coverage of London 2012.

First of all, why would they want to impede ANYONE from seeing the beauty that is the olympic athletes? Good lord, those men and women are supa fine. Ryan Lochte, however mundane yet innocent his twitter feed may be, is one good lookin’ piece of gold medal history. And the swimmers! Ye Shiwen just broke a world record AND was faster than all the boys, all at 16! (Of course now there are doping allegations. But fuck that until it’s proven bitches, cuz ladies rule and boys are slow)

Second, the Olympics are a world game. It’s supposed to be a global celebration of sport that we can all enjoy and root for our countries. But how are we supposed to do that when NBC has the absolute worst producers ever? I don’t wanna watch Jeopardy Kids in the middle of the day. Where are the game reruns bitches?! Thanks to not being able to mold my schedule to the shitty NBC scheduling of the Olympics, I missed women’s gymnastics which is THE SHIT. Who knows how many countless people are feeling the same strife.

I bet they use Internet Explorer over at NBC. Figures. Image via fitperez.com

Now, you’d think “Hey, it’s the age of the internet! They must be live streaming and uploading videos of the games to rewatch constantly!” NOPE. In an attempt to show my friend the AWFUL London opening ceremony, I was aghast. The footage was nowhere to be found. Not on NBC’s website and not in any pages I could find in the days following the ceremony.But lo and behold, Beijing’s was on NBC’s website. Thank God, because that’s fucking relevant!

On top of that, you have to have a specific cable subscription to live stream on the internet. Is NBC in such bad shape that they can’t afford to live stream the Olympics?  Would they not make more money from running live streaming internet ads? Who dropped the ball on this?! It’s 2012 for God sakes. You can watch your neighbor jerk off on a webcam, but for some ungodly reason you can’t find good Olympic coverage on the internet. SO. LAME.

Let’s hope another big network gets the games next time, because this is excruciating. Feel free to voice annoyances over at their lackluster twitter!

Television: Ok, is this seriously a show? Bunheads. It’s called Bunheads.

Screengrab from thesuperficial.com

Bunheads. Is. The. Name. Of. This. Show.

Are you kidding me. OBVIOUSLY this is a summer schedule show on ABC Family, and it is called BunheadsIf I wasn’t gagging at the sight of “ABC Family” already, I’d definitely be gagging at this entire premise.

Lemme guess every single plot line:

  • Boyfriend trouble because practice is so tough and grueling. Also, boyfriend is a huge piece of shit.
  •  Grades are slipping because practice is so hard
  •  Pressure from mom and dad to get into a good school but practice is hard it’s eating up all the time
  •  Anorexia/bulimia problems cuz bunheads gotsta be skinny
  • Some kind of drug/alcohol overly dramatic related arc that makes people who drink alcohol look like Satan
  •  Aaand a rivalry between two girls (or a group) to better reinforce for the generations to come that nobody can get along, and women should be pitted against each other for all eternity until the gates of hell explode and ruin all of our silk things.
Here are a couple better show premises for Bunheads that would be 10 times better:
  • Princess Leia fanatics who have strange addictions
  • Chronicling the life and times of Jimmy Bunhead, an existentialist living in his parents’ basement
  • A reality show about Cinnabon workers and their sad, pathetic day-to-day in store and dealing with “charming” regular Cinnabon clientele
  • People who literally sit in front of the screen for 17 minutes with sticky buns taped to their heads and sing “The Cupid Shuffle”, the worst song in the entire world

Hollywood is snorting bath salts. That’s the only explanation for this. Fuck Florida, the zombie apocalypse is coming straight from LA.

This is cool: The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl

Yeah girl, your webisodes rock. Image via ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com

My great friend Kayla just introduced me to these little jems of joy. I want to spoon cuddle J (main character), write lyrics about shitty ex-boyfriends and stay up all night talking for hours together.

According to the ABG website, there are plans to turn this web series into a half hour sitcom! How cool! I love how Youtube opens doors for creative and talented folk like Issa Rae to get the attention they deserve.

Check out the first two videos. They are short, sweet and will make you fall in love with the best ABG. The car thing in episode one happened to me today.

Television: Girls “The Return”

Look at that nice, normal date at a pizza parlor. Way to go, Hannah!

The 6th episode of Girls is my favorite to date. Written by Lena Dunham and Judd Apatow, the story delves into Hannah’s character as she goes home to her parents house in Michigan for the weekend. There she reconnects with a really cute guy she went to high school with who is a pharmacist, learns that a classmate disappeared on vacation a la Natalee Holloway, and ends up going on a date with said pharmacist to a benefit to raise money for a PI for the missing girl.

The Date

Skipping over minor details, everything about the date with the pharmacist Eric was a refreshing reminder that not all guys are complete weirdo jerkfaces. I’m so happy for Hannah. It’s so nice to go on a date with a nice person, instead of the usual crazies that always end up stuck on you like a piece of city gum on your shoe.

The Parents
She had a “Party Girl” poster in her high school bedroom. A-MA-ZING.

The interactions with her parents resonates with me and presumably all of my friends. It’s so nice to go home, give your parents a good hug, sleep in your old bedroom and raid the fridge at night because you don’t have to ration your meals. They ask about jobs, wanna hang out with Hannah and are parent-y. There’s also some sex in the shower that goes awry (when isn’t there sex in the shower that doesn’t go awry?!), but I’ll leave that shocker for you if you haven’t seen it yet.

This show just keeps getting better and better. I love the focus on Hannah. It kind of felt like when your friend invites you home, and you get to see all of their childhood/ middle school/ high school things and get drunk with their parents. It’s so fun. It will be cool to see if they dive into the other characters. Jessa plz!!!!

Party Girl. Fuckin’ right.

You HAVE to watch Party Girl. HAVE TO.

Television: “Don’t Trust the B—- in Apartment 23” is SO COOL

It’s like Gossip Girl meets middle-class, mid-to-late 20s, comedy. Plus James Van der Beek. Image via medialifemagazine.com

This is why you should be watching Don’t Trust the B—- in Apartment 23:

  • James van der Beek plays himself. No, really. That Ke$ha video really saved his career.
  • It’s sitcom-y, but without the laugh track, horrible lighting and annoying characters on How I Met Your Mother (yeah, I said it!)
  • The characters are awesome. One supporting is a pervert who lives across the alley who is also good at psychology. Exciting! The girl who lives down the hall is obsessed with one of the main characters, Chloe, and follows her and shit. Chloe is a scheming party girl that you can’t help but love. Sold yet?
  • It’s about 20 somethings in New York, but what isn’t?!
  • Chloe’s wardrobe is awesome.

    This is too much fun. Image via ibtimes.com
  • Chloe is always drunk.
  • June is the other main character. She’s from Indiana (I think) and is the naive, “good girl” who is a worry-wort, had a life plan (gross) and an MBA, but can’t get a real job because the economy blows. She  freaks out about everything.
  • One Million Moms (73 women with mall highlights) hates the show because it is “sexually-explicit”. Bahaha!

Seriously, this show is so weird, and so awesome in a way that makes you feel cool for being in your 20s, not depressing yet honest a la Girls. For your afternoon pleasure, here’s the link to watch the episodes. There are 5. I’m halfway through them, and already jealous of you if you have not seen this show yet.