As a teen watching (and idolizing) them bitches from Sex and the City, I never really thought I’d go through similar dating mishaps. Watching the show, you’re either “That guy is a total DICK” or “Oh my god, I LOVE him” to any given dude the golden four ever picked up.
But now as we all are hanging on to our first full time jobs, apartments, friends and dating lives, things are starting to make a lot more sense from the world of one Ms. Carrie Bradshaw. For instance:
Funky tasting spunk (I can’t believe there isn’t a meme for that. WTF internet!)
Worrying about never dating again in your current city pool of eligible mediocrity
Sometimes you’re just not that into people, and they just aren’t that into you.
Date richer so their town car can pick you up. Cuz scooters are cute for a minute and all, but fuck that.
Don’t date someone who makes you camp. You will break their heart.
Your soulmate might be bald. But the sex might be great. So don’t be a bitch.
Don’t move to Paris with an old Russian artist when your Mr. Big is right where you left him.
God, we are FUCKED. At least we have cooler than cool friends to brunch and bitch with about our dating warbles. Mimosas don’t pour themselves, and good stories don’t come from people who stay at home.
Most of my friends are single and on the prowl. As we blow the fuck through wander through the jungle of “do you think he has a nice dick?”, “does he have a job?” and my personal favorite “he better not have a fucking girlfriend”, we begin to accumulate massive amounts of people under our leopard print dating belts (that should be a thing). As we pile up the i-hope-he-never-calls and the if-he-doesn’t-call-i’m-never-dating-agains,we as daters and friends of those who are dating tend to lose track of names and adopt a more efficient strategy, you know, to speed up the conversation in our OH SO BUSY 20 SOMETHING LIVES. Allow me to demonstrate:
EX: 1 Conversations with names
S: I hope Adam calls. I wanna get laid.
K: Who the fuck is Adam, I hate him already, dump him.
EX: 2 Conversations with descriptive adjectives
S: I hope punk boy calls.
K: YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is amazing, fabulous and a great person.
See? It is wondrous for everyone involved to use an adjective to describe the person you’re trying to date/bone/marry/stalk. It allows our friends and us to keep track of who is who in our dating conversations, without the inefficient bullshit that are names. We ain’t got time for names, only love games baby. YA HEARD
I swear there has been an increase in engagements on Facebook just in the past couple of weeks. Perhaps it’s due in part to the fact that summer may be halfway over, and happy enough couples are scrambling to fulfill their happy (!) quota for the season. Or maybe they need to book NOW to get a decent place for a summer wedding. What’s better than a fall and winter full of engagement photos, questions about napkin sizes and where to seat people you don’t really like!?
I can handle an engagement here and there. Maybe once a month, but that may be pushing it. When it’s my actual life friends, I’m truly overjoyed. When it’s a parade of Pinterest addicts you met in high school math class and their boyfriends in middle management who jerk off to Hentai, my feelings take a different, less enthusiastic turn.
I’ve deduced some possible reasons for the influx of our acquaintance’s recent engagements:
Election year! They love the idea of getting married in front of their homosexual friends, because it’s always fun to do stuff other people can’t, much like rolling your tongue or weird finger tricks
Cute people are convinced they won’t find anyone better, or that their cuteness might run out (sunscreen and gym will fix that)
Settling for a guy/gal with a decent job. Not good, but decent, which is sadly relevant in today’s economy
Someone is pregnant with “traditional” parents (which really means the newlyweds are spineless hamfarts)
Shared mortgages are secretly an aphrodisiac
Splitting the cable bill, rent and AC sure beats paying for it by yourself
The divorce rate in this country is 50%, or something close to that. So, technically, that means that half of all these marriages are gonna end by one of the following:
An unhealthy obsession with fictional supporting characters of one season television series on the now defunct WB
There are just so many uncertainties in a world full of crap relationships and blood diamonds, that we’ll just have to let the swift hand of fate deal their cards. But you believe me this: We can suck it up through the wedding photos, bachelorette parties and beef jerky dancefloors knowing that at the end of this dark tunnel, there is a light. Divorces have to be entertaining, right? Then we can REALLY watch some shit unfold on Facebook. Invest in your defriends wisely. One day, these newlyweds may make great divorcées. It could be their calling. Who wouldn’t want them to fulfill their destiny? Besides, There’s nothing better than a “new independent woman” with a Facebook status to update. I almost can’t wait.
WHAT THE FUCKKKK this is amazing gossip. Who knows if it’s true or what actually happened, or if the “evidence” of them cheating isn’t just a great photographic angle. What I do know is that a bunch of tween girls, lame teens, depressing 20 somethings and scary adults will be mad at her for “breaking” Robert Pattinson’s heart. Or, in a parallel universe, they will rejoice that their prayers came true and Rpatz is finally single after what seems like decades with his Twilight co-star.
Kristen Stewart seems like a cool chick, and so does Rob. They’ve done so great with the media storm that follows them due to their multi billion dollar franchise. But now, it’s gonna get NASTY. Kristen will be labeled a badass whore with a pill/coke/whatever addiction, something a la Brit Brit and Lindsay. And dear Robert will be celebrated as a sensitive bloke with a fragile soul that will take this situation as fuel for his movie career. Because once you get supernova big, the public loves NOTHING more to tear you down to your last shred of dignity and survival, and then when they’re ready, build you up again into a celebrity phoenix. Classic!
The more details that come out about the Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise marriage contract and divorce bomb are really, really creepy. Here are some confusing and eery rumors that have come out surrounding the TomKat divorce:
Tom has divorced all 3 of his wives when they turned 33. 33 is connected to Scientology because the religion was founded by science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard in Phoenix, Arizona, which happens to lie on the 33rd parallel.
Katie Holmes reportedly got 3 million dollars for each year she was married to Tom.
She had to sign a 5 year marriage contract that not surprisingly ended when she was 33.
She’s being followed in NYC by men with guns who are suspected to be hired by Scientologists.
The straw that broke the camel’s marriage back is the fact that Tom Cruise wanted Suri to be a part of the Sea Org where there are reports of manual hard labor, a billion year loyalty contract and suspected forced abortion because family is discouraged as a distraction.
Scientologists held “auditions” for Tom Cruise wives that included Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Sofia Vergara, Penelope Cruz and Jennifer Garner.
He sent all his dates buttloads of chocolate and roses in cars. (Puke, I am forever aversion-ed to those things. TC must be an alien because that is some vanilla 1950s flirting right there. Regular modern folk settle for a sweet internet post)
A huge rumor now is that Katie Holmes and Suri walked in on David Beckham and Tom Cruise in bed together. It seems like a stretch, but HOLYFUCKINGSHIT if it’s true.
This is probably only the tip of the iceberg, which is awesome for the blogosphere.
Read 8 facts you may not know about Scientology here.
Check out Tom Cruise’s explanation of being a Scientologist below. It doesn’t really make much sense. He kind of sounds like he was a confused teen/young adult who got famous, rich and needed a big crutch to help him understand his life. Evangelicals look SO fucking regular compared to this shit. Looks like TC needs to smoke some weed, join a bongo circle on a dirty beach somewhere and chill the FUCK out.
So we’ve really resorted to making fun of lonely people trying to find love? Okay! I feel only a little bad. But if you’re gonna be super weird and bring up precum on the internet with a bunch of strangers, then you’re pretty much doin this shit to yourself.
OH my god. Kids are the absolute worst. Seriously. This woman is a bus monitor who gets paid $15,506 to monitor some of the biggest fucktards on the planet. And they berate her by calling her fat and poor. Way to respect your elders and thank them for looking after your safety, kids!
I’m so glad for the internet. A) Because society as a whole can shame the kids who are making fun of an old lady. B) Nice people understand she has a lame job and needs a vacation.
You know what, I understand that parents can’t control absolutely everything their kids do. But seriously? Being disrespectful to the elderly is right up there with animal sacrifice and hearts made of coal. This is a problem.
Moreover, anyone working with shitty fucking kids should get paid. A LOT. MORE. Because kids are shitty (especially the shitty ones) and they don’t know anything. Fact.
John Mayer and Taylor Swift: A match made in tabloid heaven
I mean, shit. Yes, John Mayer had a couple of wild years there, but haven’t we all? John Mayer, in an interview with Rolling Stone, said he was “humiliated” by Taylor Swift’s song “Dear John”. Take a look at the lyrics:
“Dear John, I see it all, now it was wrong / Don’t you think 19 is too young to be played by your dark twisted games, when I loved you so?”
Mayer then goes on to say he didn’t know she was heartbroken or anything. Speculation about their time together aside, it’s pretty rude as a widely successful artist to write songs that are so thinly veiled about your celebrity dates. Why would anyone take a chance on dating her? If things went sour, she’d probably write a song called “Fuck You Dick Sucker: An Ode to My Ex” because he didn’t text her back right away.
Taylor Swift is the classic case of “I was bullied in high school, I’m a victim” who has now turned into the self righteous bully-victim. She gets hurt by a guy (ps everyone gets hurt in relationships, lady), plays victim, i.e. never at fault and writes a song trashing him. She’s done it to Joe Jonas AND took a stab at alleged boyfriend-stealer Camilla Belle in that one.( Slut shaming, nice move Taylor Swift! Female solidarity, right?) Taylor Lautner, John Mayer, and who the fuck else knows because I don’t follow her music.
I’ve never been a fan of Taylor Swift. I can appreciate her talent, but there’s something about her personality that is like broken glass in your mouth. At first it was kinda neat that she talked so much shit about her boyfriends, like a “fuck yeah, ex boyfriends suck!” type of deal. We can all get behind that. But after a while it became her ‘thing’. Trashing people after they’ve broken up with you over and over and over… yikes. Sounds like she needs some yoga and deep breathing somewhere in India for a while and a little growing up to do.
Somewhere between the shift from phone calls to text messages died the use of the voicemail.
I admit, I am sometimes guilty of leaving a voicemail here and there. After all, they aren’t totally useless if you need to get some excitement or personality through in your message, that sometimes text messaging just can’t do.
However, I will never understand the type of person who leaves 6 voicemails that say the exact same thing, only changing the fake severity of each message as time goes on. “I need to talk to you, call me back.” “I really need to talk to you. Call. ME. BACK.” “I’m going to shave your eyebrows and make you eat them the next time I see you. CALL ME OR YOU and everyone you know will DIE.”
Voicemails can be confusing. When is it appropriate to leave a voicemail? Here are some situations that might help guide your next voicemail decision in this increasingly text-y world.
You got a new job and are REEEEEEEEAAAAALLY excited about it. Excited voicemails are always fun to listen to. Just no screaming right into the mic plz.
You just came up with the best comeback ever, and said it to your arch nemesis. You’re on a high from being so awesome, and you gotta share it with your BFF. Or your nemesis if you have their number, so they can relive the humiliation FOREVER.
There’s a deal on sun hats at Target.
You’re stoned, and you feel like explaining your homemade taco to your college roommate. Just like old times!
Somebody hit your car and ran. You’re pissed. Gotta let off steam. You’re saying “fuck” every other word and out of breath from yelling. You’re threatening everyone around you, even the baby in the stroller and the yippy dog barking at your from the comfort of it’s window perch. You’re totally gonna “kick somebody’s ass.” Empty threats are voicemail gold.
These, not so much:
Breaking up with someone. Seriously? No. If this ever happened to you, thank the lord of the galactic universe that he/she did, because that shit is LAME and they need to erase themselves from your fabulous life like, yesterday.
The “just to chat” voicemail. It’s obvious you were calling to talk. I’m not above it though. I totally do it. When I’m really bored on a long drive, I leave these sometimes to feel like I’m talking to someone so I don’t go nuts. Caffeine and driving equals PHONE CALLS TO CHAT. Chat chat chat. BAH!
Someone died. What a horrible message to leave!
Any kind of bad message, like “Hey just calling to let you know I broke your French Press and took a shit on your pillow. Have a nice day.” True story. Just kidding. Only the second half is true.
Calling someone to let them know they need to call you back. Yeah. That’s what that whole ‘missed calls’ section on your telephonular device is for, genius! (Mom’s are reeeeally guilty of this one. But we can forgive them. They are Moms, they get a free pass for almost everything. ALMOST!)