If you’re a human being with cell phone contact to the outside world, you’ve surely come across a group text. You know, the kind between your roommates updating each other on visiting guests or griping about how dumb it is to pay rent. Or the ongoing thread between close friends where you share ridiculous posts of people you used to go to high school with. But there’s another kind of group text out there lurking behind the matrix: The Event.
The event group text is something you get informing you about-DUH-an upcoming event. Maybe your friend is coming back in town and has texted you along with 9 other numbers that are foreign to your phone’s contact book and thus your IRL social network. There’s nothing wrong with sending or recieving a group text like this: the sender wants to get a quick, informative message out to a select number of people. Efficiency at its best in the modern age. However, it’s how the recipients act that can make this particular group text a pleasant stroll in heaven or a boiling soup of textual hell.
Most of the time, it is an unwritten rule that you don’t have to respond to a group text of this nature. “Hey everyone. Party tonight. 11pm. My place. BYOB. PEACE SUCKAZ” is pretty straight forward. But there’s always a couple of dinks who responds to the entire anonymous group of folks with either a useless “wooooo” or a vacant “k”. Stop it. Stop it now. You’re flooding the inbox of people you don’t know with useless responses, and setting them up for the falsest hope we could ever imagine in this cold, dark, dependent technological world.
When I hear my phone sound off with a text, it sends me into endless possibilities of heavenly plans. Maybe it’s that sexy beast asking me out finally. Maybe my mom sent me a picture of the family dog. Maybe my friend Jeff is finally out of his existential funk and wants to get some cheese fries! But no. It’s still the empty responses from the group text sent an hour and a half ago about the party that had all the information possible in the lead text. The same empty group texts that transform faces around the globe from sheer excitement into gray-tinged smart phone-induced disappointment.
Of course it’s not the end of the world to recieve these kinds of texts, but that doesn’t mean it’s not annoying. If anything in this world full of murder, chaos and Kim Kardashian: Hollywood addicts, lets try to bring the daily annoyances down a little. Who knows, you might save a murder someday by refraining from texting “k” to a group of strangers. So next time you get a group text, do the right thing. Either accept it with a symbolic nod of your IRL head, or open up a new little text to the OT (original texter) and send your jubilations or follow up questions there. You could be saving a life.
So we’ve really resorted to making fun of lonely people trying to find love? Okay! I feel only a little bad. But if you’re gonna be super weird and bring up precum on the internet with a bunch of strangers, then you’re pretty much doin this shit to yourself.
OH my god. Kids are the absolute worst. Seriously. This woman is a bus monitor who gets paid $15,506 to monitor some of the biggest fucktards on the planet. And they berate her by calling her fat and poor. Way to respect your elders and thank them for looking after your safety, kids!
I’m so glad for the internet. A) Because society as a whole can shame the kids who are making fun of an old lady. B) Nice people understand she has a lame job and needs a vacation.
You know what, I understand that parents can’t control absolutely everything their kids do. But seriously? Being disrespectful to the elderly is right up there with animal sacrifice and hearts made of coal. This is a problem.
Moreover, anyone working with shitty fucking kids should get paid. A LOT. MORE. Because kids are shitty (especially the shitty ones) and they don’t know anything. Fact.
Being racist is fucking lame. Jonathan Wall, a Harvard man who happens to be black, was kicked out of a bar in Raleigh, North Carolina for being black. Yes this happened, yes this is 2012, and yes social media is kicking the shit out of this bar and racism in general. YAY!
Of course, this happened in North Carolina, the SOUTH, where they don’t care about much except hating everyone who isn’t white, christian and toothless being a total drag.
Not to say that EVERYONE in those states is like this; there are racist people everywhere regardless of geography, gender, race, etc. However, it’s to a much higher degree in the states like North Carolina that really wanted to keep slavery and unequal societal statuses for everyone!
I feel sad for racists and homophobes. I pity them. Carrying all that hate in your heart is bad for you. Carrying hate for anything is bad for you. There’s no excuse!
Somewhere between the shift from phone calls to text messages died the use of the voicemail.
I admit, I am sometimes guilty of leaving a voicemail here and there. After all, they aren’t totally useless if you need to get some excitement or personality through in your message, that sometimes text messaging just can’t do.
However, I will never understand the type of person who leaves 6 voicemails that say the exact same thing, only changing the fake severity of each message as time goes on. “I need to talk to you, call me back.” “I really need to talk to you. Call. ME. BACK.” “I’m going to shave your eyebrows and make you eat them the next time I see you. CALL ME OR YOU and everyone you know will DIE.”
Voicemails can be confusing. When is it appropriate to leave a voicemail? Here are some situations that might help guide your next voicemail decision in this increasingly text-y world.
You got a new job and are REEEEEEEEAAAAALLY excited about it. Excited voicemails are always fun to listen to. Just no screaming right into the mic plz.
You just came up with the best comeback ever, and said it to your arch nemesis. You’re on a high from being so awesome, and you gotta share it with your BFF. Or your nemesis if you have their number, so they can relive the humiliation FOREVER.
There’s a deal on sun hats at Target.
You’re stoned, and you feel like explaining your homemade taco to your college roommate. Just like old times!
Somebody hit your car and ran. You’re pissed. Gotta let off steam. You’re saying “fuck” every other word and out of breath from yelling. You’re threatening everyone around you, even the baby in the stroller and the yippy dog barking at your from the comfort of it’s window perch. You’re totally gonna “kick somebody’s ass.” Empty threats are voicemail gold.
These, not so much:
Breaking up with someone. Seriously? No. If this ever happened to you, thank the lord of the galactic universe that he/she did, because that shit is LAME and they need to erase themselves from your fabulous life like, yesterday.
The “just to chat” voicemail. It’s obvious you were calling to talk. I’m not above it though. I totally do it. When I’m really bored on a long drive, I leave these sometimes to feel like I’m talking to someone so I don’t go nuts. Caffeine and driving equals PHONE CALLS TO CHAT. Chat chat chat. BAH!
Someone died. What a horrible message to leave!
Any kind of bad message, like “Hey just calling to let you know I broke your French Press and took a shit on your pillow. Have a nice day.” True story. Just kidding. Only the second half is true.
Calling someone to let them know they need to call you back. Yeah. That’s what that whole ‘missed calls’ section on your telephonular device is for, genius! (Mom’s are reeeeally guilty of this one. But we can forgive them. They are Moms, they get a free pass for almost everything. ALMOST!)