Your holiday guide to meeting the family and not being an idiot

790510841_805534

Tis the season to be jolly az fuck, homies.

It’s also the season for traveling with your new boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend to their hometown for the holidays. It’s stressful meeting other people’s parents and family because all families are pretty weird and have their own fucked up origin stories. It’s like stepping into a new little country where you have to learn the rules quick and not piss off the dictator–or else you’re eating at the kids table with little Damien who pees on shoes and cuts hair when you’re not looking. Here are some tips to avoid being peed on completely ostracized that will hopefully ease your holiday travel nerves.

________________________________

1. Take a gift. It is always good manners to present your host, especially around the holidays, with a small gift. Wine is a really safe and classy bet because what kind of total grinch doesn’t love wine? (Alcoholics, that’s who. Find out if the family drinks, and if they don’t, a nice apple cider is perfect.) This Chilean wine from Concha y Toro called Casillero del Diablo is relatively inexpensive for how good it is. I believe it is around 8-10 dollars a bottle. If you have even less money to spend, baking brownies or cookies is a really great, super cheap and very sweet alternative.

casillero-del-diablo

2. STAY OFF YOUR PHONE. There is absolutely no excuse for being a rude piece of shit and sitting on  your phone during a holiday trip, ESPECIALLY if you are meeting your friend’s or new lover’s parents and family for the first time. Nothing says “you’re boring and I think you suck” more than a set of eyes glued to a smartphone screen during any kind of party, dinner or hang out. There’s no way around it. Rude. As. Hell. In the eternal words of Uncle Joey, “Cut. It. Out.”

tumblr_lgh9wraBTj1qblonp

3. Keep the conversation light. Unless your gf/bf/bff’s parents are Serious Intellectuals who openly welcome thoughtful debate on controversial topics, keep your opinions about abortion and gun control to your Twitter feed. Nothing sours a first impression quite like a heated political debate, amirite? To detract from a conversation in dangerous territories, say a series of vague statements like “Life is so complex! Can you pass me the rolls? I LOVE your shirt!”

Don't be this awkward. Image via the age.com.au
This is what you look like during awkward conversations and probably also during sex. Image via the age.com.au

4. Don’t shy away from conversation. I am extremely social and conversational so I have no idea what it’s like to be “awkward” or “shy”. But I do know this: most people really don’t care if you’re shy or a little strange as long as you’re also nice/not a huge asshole. You can ask people questions about themselves. You can tell people things about yourself, even if you think it’s sorta weird. Just don’t casually bring up how you like to eat paper or the fact that you save your toenails cuz that shit is definitely weird as fuck.

5. Offer to help with anything. Normally there are too many cooks in the kitchen, but offer to help chop, set the table or pour the drinks anyways because it shows that you’re not a completely useless human guest. If you don’t help in the preparation or setup of dinner, the least you can do is offer to help clean up afterwards. Large holiday dinners are stressful to prepare, and the last thing your gf/bf/bff’s family probably want is to clean up after your freeloading meal. In other words, get a job, hippie!

This is a rendering of what René Magritte's childhood hand turkey might have looked like. Image via blouinartonfi.com
René Magritte’s imagined childhood hand turkey. Image via blouinartonfi.com

6. Err on the side of being really gracious. It is better to come off as overly enthusiastic about the generosity bestowed upon you by your bf/gf/bff’s family than to come off as ungrateful. Really. At least they’ll be left with a positive impression of you rather than “that guy sucks.” Don’t be that guy, man. You’re better than that. So even if it sucked, be gracious, be kind and you’ll be fine.

7. Don’t get too drunk. Don’t be an idiot.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM 20POORANDFABULOUS

tumblr_meffe9Birx1rhwqzeo1_500

Advertisements

Dating: Names are OVER

“I’m going on a date with mullet spandex guy” Image via imposemagazine.com

All the single ladies, all the single fellas!

Most of my friends are single and on the prowl. As we blow the fuck through wander through the jungle of “do you think he has a nice dick?”, “does he have a job?” and my personal favorite “he better not have a fucking girlfriend”, we begin to accumulate massive amounts of people under our leopard print dating belts (that should be a thing). As we pile up the i-hope-he-never-calls and the if-he-doesn’t-call-i’m-never-dating-agains, we as daters and friends of those who are dating tend to lose track of names and adopt a more efficient strategy, you know, to speed up the conversation in our OH SO BUSY 20 SOMETHING LIVES. Allow me to demonstrate:

EX: 1 Conversations with names

S: I hope Adam calls. I wanna get laid.

K: Who the fuck is Adam, I hate him already, dump him.

EX: 2 Conversations with descriptive adjectives

S: I hope punk boy calls.

K: YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is amazing, fabulous and a great person.

See? It is wondrous for everyone involved to use an adjective to describe the person you’re trying to date/bone/marry/stalk. It allows our friends and us to keep track of who is who in our dating conversations, without the inefficient bullshit that are names. We ain’t got time for names, only love games baby. YA HEARD

When will Paul Rudd get a star on the walk of fame?

Image via fanpop.com

I think it’s about high time Paul Rudd got a star on the walk of fame, don’t you?!

My first Paul Rudd experience was him as a socially and politically informed college student and Cher’s stepbrother in Clueless. After that, I can’t remember a time Paul Rudd wasn’t in our lives. Whether it was in movies or through his stint and Phoebe’s husband on Friends, one of the most successful sitcoms of all time, it seems like he’s always been there for us.

He’s also got a new movie coming out with Jennifer Aniston called Wanderlust (Here’s our Friends reunion, yay!) that looks really funny. He’s been a staple in comedy films and television that spans 3 decades, with starring roles in pretty much every major comedy film. I Love You, Man?! Come on! Comedic bromance gold! He even helped create one of my favorite Netflix picks, Party Down. If that’s not reason enough, then I don’t know what is!  

Paul Rudd, you'll get your star someday. Image via wellbeingmatrix.com

Although I unfortunately do not know Paul Rudd, he has kept himself out of the hoopla of the Hollywood party and gossip rag scene, which is commendable. And he seems like a genuinely nice guy. If he somehow turns out to be a super turd-face actor-type, then there is no God, and Paul Rudd shall be deemed the best actor ever because he’s kept up that schtick his entire career. (It’s not true though, I just know it!)

He’s definitely one of the most liked men in Hollywood. I mean, have you ever heard anyone be like “Dude, I fucking HATE Paul Rudd.” If you ever cross anyone who says this, they probably hate puppies and chocolate malts, too. Get as far away from that person, forever. They are an alien here to destroy humanity, earth and life as we know it.

It’s no secret that comedy and comedians don’t get the same recognition as dramatic actors, which is such a pity because the ability to make someone laugh is equally as important as making someone cry.

So, I beg the question, when is our fabulous Paul Rudd going to get a star on the walk of fame?!

Social Butterfly: When Netflix is better than people

Photo via blog.compete.com
We've all been there. Fortunately, it doesn't have to ruin your night! Photo via blog.compete.com

Let’s call it the Netflix Nightcap.

We’ve all been there: Sitting at a party where the conversation isn’t really your cup of tea, you are single and everyone there is in a deadend relationship (that they sadly haven’t realized yet) or worse- you’re surrounded by young republicans with a self-righteous penchant for red meat and Tucker Carlson.

Netflix: Where everybody knows your na-a-ame (and viewing preferences). Photo via Netflix.com
Netflix: Where everybody knows your na-a-ame (and viewing preferences). Photo via Netflix.com

Sometimes, you just have to chalk it up, say your polite farewells and do what will make your night 10 times better: Netflix, baby. Can you remember a time before Netflix? When, God forbid, you were forced to rewatch actual DVDs instead of streaming them (30 Rock or anything with Leslie Knope)? I shudder at the mere thought.

Instead of cringing your way through conversations with people who wear too much plaid for their own good, imagine: It’s just you, at home, N-flix, and a warm blanket peppered with snacks and diet soda. You get to pick whatever you want, whether it be a delightfully shitty rom-com (anything with Katherine Heigl), action (Terminator), period piece (Downton Abbey ftw), documentary (the origami one) or Cheers (Ted Danson rocks).

That could be you. Image via cheezburger.com
This could be you. Image via cheezburger.com

So the next time you find yourself smack dab in the middle of a tired and pointless conversation with acquaintances you hope to God don’t add you on Facebook (there should really be a three hangout minimum), just remember that Netflix instant is waiting for you at home, with a barrel of laughs, tears, or just a simple warm hug of personalized entertainment.