I swear there has been an increase in engagements on Facebook just in the past couple of weeks. Perhaps it’s due in part to the fact that summer may be halfway over, and happy enough couples are scrambling to fulfill their happy (!) quota for the season. Or maybe they need to book NOW to get a decent place for a summer wedding. What’s better than a fall and winter full of engagement photos, questions about napkin sizes and where to seat people you don’t really like!?
I can handle an engagement here and there. Maybe once a month, but that may be pushing it. When it’s my actual life friends, I’m truly overjoyed. When it’s a parade of Pinterest addicts you met in high school math class and their boyfriends in middle management who jerk off to Hentai, my feelings take a different, less enthusiastic turn.
I’ve deduced some possible reasons for the influx of our acquaintance’s recent engagements:
- Election year! They love the idea of getting married in front of their homosexual friends, because it’s always fun to do stuff other people can’t, much like rolling your tongue or weird finger tricks
- Cute people are convinced they won’t find anyone better, or that their cuteness might run out (sunscreen and gym will fix that)
- Settling for a guy/gal with a decent job. Not good, but decent, which is sadly relevant in today’s economy
- Someone is pregnant with “traditional” parents (which really means the newlyweds are spineless hamfarts)
- Shared mortgages are secretly an aphrodisiac
- Splitting the cable bill, rent and AC sure beats paying for it by yourself
The divorce rate in this country is 50%, or something close to that. So, technically, that means that half of all these marriages are gonna end by one of the following:
- Hidden tiny hand fetish
- My Strange Addiction participant
- An affair with a former Teen Mom
- Online gambling/video game second life addict
- An unhealthy obsession with fictional supporting characters of one season television series on the now defunct WB
There are just so many uncertainties in a world full of crap relationships and blood diamonds, that we’ll just have to let the swift hand of fate deal their cards. But you believe me this: We can suck it up through the wedding photos, bachelorette parties and beef jerky dancefloors knowing that at the end of this dark tunnel, there is a light. Divorces have to be entertaining, right? Then we can REALLY watch some shit unfold on Facebook. Invest in your defriends wisely. One day, these newlyweds may make great divorcées. It could be their calling. Who wouldn’t want them to fulfill their destiny? Besides, There’s nothing better than a “new independent woman” with a Facebook status to update. I almost can’t wait.