Social Butterfly: The Voicemail

Quit leaving voicemails, and stop wearing that hat. Image via ehow.com

Somewhere between the shift from phone calls to text messages died the use of the voicemail.

I admit, I am sometimes guilty of leaving a voicemail here and there. After all, they aren’t totally useless if you need to get some excitement or personality through in your message, that sometimes text messaging just can’t do.

However, I will never understand the type of person who leaves 6 voicemails that say the exact same thing, only changing the fake severity of each message as time goes on. “I need to talk to you, call me back.” “I really need to talk to you. Call. ME. BACK.” “I’m going to shave your eyebrows and make you eat them the next time I see you. CALL ME OR YOU and everyone you know will DIE.”

Voicemails can be confusing. When is it appropriate to leave a voicemail? Here are some situations that might help guide your next voicemail decision in this increasingly text-y world.

Voicemail Appropriate:

  • You got a new job and are REEEEEEEEAAAAALLY excited about it. Excited voicemails are always fun to listen to. Just no screaming right into the mic plz.
  • You just came up with the best comeback ever, and said it to your arch nemesis. You’re on a high from being so awesome, and you gotta share it with your BFF. Or your nemesis if you have their number, so they can relive the humiliation FOREVER.
  • There’s a deal on sun hats at Target.
  • You’re stoned, and you feel like explaining your homemade taco to your college roommate. Just like old times!
  • Somebody hit your car and ran. You’re pissed. Gotta let off steam. You’re saying “fuck” every other word and out of breath from yelling. You’re threatening everyone around you, even the baby in the stroller and the yippy dog barking at your from the comfort of it’s window perch. You’re totally gonna “kick somebody’s ass.” Empty threats are voicemail gold.

These, not so much:

That shit is creepy. Image via innogage.com
  • Breaking up with someone. Seriously? No. If this ever happened to you, thank the lord of the galactic universe that he/she did, because that shit is LAME and they need to erase themselves from your fabulous life like, yesterday.
  • The “just to chat” voicemail. It’s obvious you were calling to talk. I’m not above it though. I totally do it. When I’m really bored on a long drive, I leave these sometimes to feel like I’m talking to someone so I don’t go nuts. Caffeine and driving equals PHONE CALLS TO CHAT. Chat chat chat. BAH!
  • Someone died. What a horrible message to leave!
  • Any kind of bad message, like “Hey just calling to let you know I broke your French Press and took a shit on your pillow. Have a nice day.” True story. Just kidding. Only the second half is true.
  • Calling someone to let them know they need to call you back. Yeah. That’s what that whole ‘missed calls’ section on your telephonular device is for, genius! (Mom’s are reeeeally guilty of this one. But we can forgive them. They are Moms, they get a free pass for almost everything. ALMOST!)
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Forever Young: Pay phones

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Remember being stranded at the mall in the late 90s, and only feeling security in the fact that you had a quarter and there was a machine that would take it in exchange for one grim, helpless phone call? Then there was 1-800-CALLATT which was just a big fuck you to whoever you had to call.

Plus remember how scary it was to hear one ring?! who’s calling me?! Who knows I’m here????

Some of these unique devices still exist. Even more rare is to find one that still works AND doesn’t have a clipped cord. It’s a historical, technological monument!

But really. Thank God we have cell phones people. Just thinking about not having one gives me anxiety.

Infuriation: People on cell phones

Witnessed at a Chipotle

We get it: You’re busy. You really need to check what your friend Sally’s cousin Jax said about the picture of your dog on Facebook. But when you’re ordering food from a human being who is making your dinner for you, I think you won’t self implode if you look up from your Blackberry and make eye contact.