Rumour has it: Tom Cruise is a fucking nut

Watch out Oprah!!! Image via badadvice.typepad.com

The more details that come out about the Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise marriage contract and divorce bomb are really, really creepy. Here are some confusing and eery rumors that have come out surrounding the TomKat divorce:

  • Tom has divorced all 3 of his wives when they turned 33. 33 is connected to Scientology because the religion was founded by science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard in Phoenix, Arizona, which happens to lie on the 33rd parallel.
  • Katie Holmes reportedly got 3 million dollars for each year she was married to Tom.
  • She had to sign a 5 year marriage contract that not surprisingly ended when she was 33.
  • She’s being followed in NYC by men with guns who are suspected to be hired by Scientologists.
  • The straw that broke the camel’s marriage back is the fact that Tom Cruise wanted Suri to be a part of the Sea Org where there are reports of manual hard labor, a billion year loyalty contract and suspected forced abortion because family is discouraged as a distraction.
  • Scientologists held “auditions” for Tom Cruise wives that included Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Sofia Vergara, Penelope Cruz and Jennifer Garner.
  • He sent all his dates buttloads of chocolate and roses in cars. (Puke, I am forever aversion-ed to those things. TC must be an alien because that is some vanilla 1950s flirting right there. Regular modern folk settle for a sweet internet post)
  • A huge rumor now is that Katie Holmes and Suri walked in on David Beckham and Tom Cruise in bed together. It seems like a stretch, but HOLYFUCKINGSHIT if it’s true.
This is probably only the tip of the iceberg, which is awesome for the blogosphere.

Read 8 facts you may not know about Scientology here

Check out Tom Cruise’s explanation of being a Scientologist below. It doesn’t really make much sense. He kind of sounds like he was a confused teen/young adult who got famous, rich and needed a big crutch to help him understand his life. Evangelicals look SO fucking regular compared to this shit. Looks like TC needs to smoke some weed, join a bongo circle on a dirty beach somewhere and chill the FUCK out.

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Forever Young: The Pope

OMG, the Pope recently rallied against gay marriage. I’m so outraged! JK. Is that really news anymore? Isn’t it more like, someone’s sweet, old racist grandpa talking and saying things that we don’t agree with but we think it’s nice he’s still around to tell us what life was like in 1910? Oh Pope, you’re so silly. Stop being rude or we’ll steal your gold hat and we won’t give it back.

Image via vatican.va

That’s a pretty sick hat though.

Be nice Pope! Maybe in 200 years the pope will love gay marriage. Girls can dream.

A song for Santorum: Super frothy, super delicious

If the most vanilla human beings in the world made a video and song for Rick Santorum, this is what it would look like. All white people, a light brown person getting cut out of the shot and geeeeeetars. Goodie!

Is it just me, or do these girls remind anyone else of the pro-white all girl sister band that surfaced a few years back, Prussian Blue? Ok, so supporting Santorum is not quite as extreme as being a huge racist white supremacist  pop pre-teen duo. However, seeing white girls with guitars singing some bigot-y stuff always takes me back to Prussian Blue.

PS, don’t you hate when conservative Christian bigots try to wear feather earrings?! It’s against my very system of beliefs that if you ain’t chill, you can’t wear feather earrings. I think it’s pretty universal actually.

And PPS, you people are like 20. What the fuck do you know about life under Reagan?! You weren’t even a regrettable-future-fashion-faux-pas fetus yet!

Also, ‘we the people’ doesn’t only pertain to the conservative Christian right. ‘We the people’ means everyone. (Including the muslims, jews, blacks, whites, asians, latinos, gays, straights, trans, catholics, mormons, athiests, agnostics, purples, aliens, dead heads, KISS fanatics, little monsters, canadian immigrants, what have you. WE the people bitches, not just one of you is the people! Learn it, love it, and let’s figure out some things that work for all of us instead of endorsing turd skins Santorum. Pat Robertson would do a better job than frothy-froth Sant-y-orum. And THAT is fucking scary.)

Pat Robertson wants marijuana legalized

Image via inquisitr.com

WHAT the what?!?!?

Pat Robertson wants marijuana legalized. A surprisingly sane move for a normally nutty Pat Robertson!

He cites the pointless and costly war on drugs as the culprit, saying that the US should “treat marijuana like we treat beverage alcohol.” And also that it’s a waste of taxpayer dollars to imprison people for possession of marijuana.

He also stated that the US “has gone overboard on this concept of being tough on crime.”

“It’s completely out of control. Prisons are being overcrowded with juvenile offenders having to do with drugs. And the penalties, the maximums, some of them could get 10 years for possession of a joint of marijuana. It makes no sense at all.” He also goes on to note that while the upper class folks can get out of drug offenses scot-free, it’s the middle class and poor kids who get in trouble for similar offenses.

Tying in Christianity with the legalization and/or decriminalization of marijuana may be the missing link to getting some traction in this long overdue policy. “If you follow the teaching of Christ, you know that Christ is a compassionate man. And he would not condone the imprisoning of people for nonviolent offenses.” I hear that!

Then we can all be as fun and weird as James Franco, legally! Image via tvrecappersanonymous.wordpress.com

His legion of conservative Christian followers have yet to cry out against his support for the legalization of marijuana. It sure would crack down on a lot of the drug trade throughout Central America, especially in Mexico where the war on drugs has taken 47,515 lives since 2006 when Felipe Calderón became President. Me no likey that our sweet neighbors to the south are in a bloody drug war when it could be greatly helped by legalization.

This is absolutely a step in the right direction. Legalization for the safety of all is really what matters most to me personally. No more creepy drug lords murdering people left and right for minor offenses, no more drug dealers with guns in the streets, no more policemen being tied up with nonviolent crimes, no more hiding.

Also, tax the shit outta weed, guvnahs! There’s your tried and true economy boost right there. Job creation, free up policemen and women to focus on actual crimes, free up jail space and make the weed business safer for everyone involved. Snack sales and Netflix subscriptions will go through the ROOF. Also, we’ll see an uptick in community craft nights. What’s the harm in that?

Go Pat Robertson for saying something that is clearly logical. Let’s get your followers to agree now too.