Ryan Lochte: America’s Next Top Famewhore

Image via fillinn.com

Ahh. The fresh, new yearnings of a baby famewhore! Their diapers are full of lost dignity and sentence structure, and their tummys are gassy with commercial deals that will make them millions and probably involve child slavery in Asia. It always does.

He’s already acting, and it’s proving to be quite the feat for the Olympic Gold medal winner. This guy has left absolutely no time in between his Olympic dreams and publicity schemes. A True American Hero. Hey, that would make a great reality show name for the deal he is currently seeking. Olympic Dreams to Hollywood Schemes. I demand royalties!

His first acting spot is on the this show is still on? pristine and delicate piece of television history, also known as the 90210 reboot. This is what he had to say about diving head first (heh) into acting:

“Memorizing lines, and trying to like, say them and still like, do movement and all that. That was hard.”

Truly inspiring, Ryan. I can’t wait until he starts to get really engrained in celebrity life. I hope he starts a blog called “Jeah Boi: Ryan Lochte’s Truly-Amazing-Can’t-Get-Enough-Baller-on-Baller-Status Adventures in H-Wood HOLLA MUNEY.” However, he’s got a long way to go. If he truly wants to stay on top, he’s gotta release a sex tape, get a public fake marriage, make foreign children sew together a shitty fashion line for Sears and then start fucking Kanye West. I have faith. A new star has been born.

In which Lady Gaga tells fur hate-mongers to kindly piss off

 

Image via poponthepop.com

“Furgate Part 1”

“To the fans. i want you to know that I care deeply about your feelings and views, and I will always support your philosophies about life. We’ve been having over-arching conversations about society, equality, and politics for the past five years, and we should continue. I do not however support violent, abusive, and childish campaigns for ANY CAUSE. Particularly one that I respect. “Animal Rights.” I am choosing not to comment on whether or not the furs I purchase are faux fur-pile or real because I would think it hypocritical of me not to acknowledge the python, ostrich, cow hide, leather, lamb, alligator, “kermit” and not to mention meat, that I have already worn. This should already put me in a category as one who appreciates and adores the beauty of animals in fashion, but am not a strict vegan. I have truly always stayed away from skinned fur, especially i have never been able to afford a nice one, but this does not mean my morals are rigid and that I won’t bend at the sight of an absolute art piece of a coat. I have no chains about this. You see a carcass, I see a museum pièce de résistance. But I am truly sorry to fans who are upset by this, its a fair and applaudable feeling about the health and safety of animals. I respect your views, please respect mine.
And to campaigners, Save your flour to make bread for the children who are hungry. And Kim Kardashian is fabulous.” -Lady Gaga on littlemonsters.com

Amen Sista! As a fur lover (faux and second-hand real because let’s get real here, real fur is expensive, and rightfully so), it’s nice to hear someone say something honest about wearing fur. And the last part is awesome about saving flour to feed hungry children. Classic. That’s the thing about PETA that has always baffled me, is that they are using threatening behavior and violence to bring about a point of non-violence towards animals. It’s hypocritical to the life they wish all humans to lead, one of non-violence towards all beings. If we can’t stop being dicks to fellow humans, our own kind, will we ever be able to curb our dickery with other species? It’s a question for the ages here people.

UPDATE:

It’s being reported that this is a fake letter and not actually from Ke$ha, but it’s from SOMEONE who wanted to get lots of press from it. And that someone is probably a festering vegan turd over at PETA:

Image via operationgaga.com

“I can be reached through PETA’s Senior VP…” Smug much! And kind of the whistle blower to the whole fake letter theory. Like anyone wants to talk to a higher up at PETA. They’d probably throw red paint on you just for interrupting their lunch of dried oats and frail greens.

Gaga isn’t taking this bashing lightly, and she’s even trolling the press and PETA supporters with this little delight:

Image via littlemonsters.com

Hilarious. This is gonna get real good. Those PETA motherfuckers don’t back down. I will not be surprised at whatever violent tactics they partake in next. Let’s just hope they don’t pass out from too much exertion.

Miley Cyrus channels coolest chick in pop Robyn with new hair

Image via The Superficial

Her hair looks EXACTLY like the strands of the coolest bitch in pop, Robyn!!! I dig it. I support any former Disney star doing something else besides hair extensions and substance abuse. Kudos, Miley!

Robyn is a gift to humanity. Image via stereogum.com

Obviously, if you’ve been reading gossip rags via cell phone all day at work like everyone else in the first world, you’d know that Miley Cyrus is fucking bored. Not like a bored-because-it’s-Sunday-and-all-of-my-friends-are-hungover-bums type of bored, but a deep-seeded boredom that stems from a ridiculously rich girl who can’t find a place in the mainstream market anymore. Sadsies!

What’s going on with Miley:

  • She’s engaged to Liam Hemsworth which I can only cringe about (I’m sure he’s a great guy, but if I married the doorstop that I dated at 19… it’s too dark to even joke about) but at least she has something to plan, even if they ARE super young.
  • She’s obviously experimenting with her style.
  • Shopping.

Aaaaand that’s about it for ol’ Miley! Someone get her a indie comedy co-starring William H. Macy before she becomes another can’t-stop-watching underage party girl trainwreck. This will be a fun one to watch.

Lady Gaga’s Vogue September Issue has arrived!!!

Image via facebook

Holy moly!!! That is some fierce shit. A lot better than her first Vogue cover. I feel like she’s channeling RuPaul in the best way ever. Is that red banner shit a September issue thing or what? It looks weird. Besides that, awesome cover. If only I had money to go fall fashion shopping. SIGH. This 20 poor and fabulous shit isn’t glamourous come fall fashion season!

If only they filmed The September Issue when Gaga was the muse! Sienna Miller is awesome, but it would have been cool to see Gaga from an angle that isn’t her own. Right?!

Lady Gaga making some questionable career choices

Image via buzzworthy.mtv.com

I’m not sure how this has flown under my radar. But shit, the 24 hour news cycle coupled with trying to get laid really narrows a girl’s news intake. Plus I don’t really read Perez anymore. All the positivity makes me disgruntled.

First of all: Lady Gaga, our dear leader, has reportedly cast Lindsay Lohan in an upcoming music video. It makes a lot of sense actually, considering that Gaga’s entire career theme is playing the part of a pop star. Now she has allegedly cast one of Hollywoods greatest-still-living trainwrecks in a music video, probably to play some kind of “tragic” persona as well, which obviously isn’t a stretch for Ms. Lohan.

Image via littlemonsters.com

Anyways, it seems like a strange career move for Lady Gaga to put her in her music vid. She is notoriously bad-behaved on sets and Gaga is a notorious hard worker. Maybe she thinks she’ll be able to save her. Trying to save anyone is always a huge disappointment, and we’ve all had enough Lilo comeback/”She’s back!” disappointments for a lifetime.

Secondly, Gaga’s next album will be titled ARTPOP, an acronym for “Artistic Revolution Through the Potential of Pop.” She even tattooed it on her arm and took a picture of it to release to her fans at littlemonsters.com. I know Gaga is talented, we all do. She’s the credible popstar who is actually involved in the composition, writing and theme of each of her albums. And for this we are grateful. However, it will be interesting to see if this is going to be another “Born This Way” uplifting, accept yourself anthem-y album, or if she’ll break out some dance hits like her first 2 albums, “The Fame” and my personal Gaga favorite “The Fame Monster”. We all know Gaga is one for absolute artistic expression, so it’s all up in the air until we hear it. Let’s keep our fingers crossed that she doesn’t take a seriously left field turn with ARTPOP, because having Gaga on the dance floor is always a delight.

Foiled yet again! Justin Timberlake NOT releasing new album

Instead of making music, Justin is playing pretend in Ken wigs in his backyard. Or something. Image via justjared.com

Just like the sands of time, rumors of a new Justin Timberlake album have resurfaced into our lives. And, just like disappointing fellatio, JT takes any hope of musical cunnilingus out of our dry, tired hands.

Come on, JT. Give the people what they want. Cornrows, amazing costumes and Timbaland-produced beats. With every passing year, the pressure and excitement grows. Which is probably annoying for him, and definitely excruciating for us. It’s like a boner that won’t ever stop, and won’t ever see a beautiful, majestic release.

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JT. Do it for all the boners in America. We are dying.

Lady Gaga’s first movie role in “Machete Kills”

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WHAT!!!! I am blindsided by this news! Lady Gaga has already finished filming her first movie role as La Chameleon in Robert Rodriguez’s latest film “Machete Kills“. This should be interesting. I am absolutely shocked, in this day and age of media and Internet gossip, that this wasn’t public knowledge before. Kudos to everyone who worked on this movie and kept the secret!

Janet Jackson: Before the crazy

Oh that sweet, endearing crazy of the Jackson family. They are American Royalty. Embrace it. And may we remember the times they hid their crazy well.

An ode to Janet! “Rhythm Nation” is some good shit.

Happy weekend!!!!

Dayum! Kristen Stewart cheating pics, so much (alleged) tongue

Image via Usweekly.com

Scandalous!!!! But really? In a car? If I was followed constantly like her, it’s like almost wanting to get caught. Maybe she let him go down on her in a car to get caught and feel human, maybe come down from the millionairess-adored-by-billions-of-vampire-addicts cloud she sat on last week.

Or maybe it’s a feminist move, like “hey, women can cheat too!” Which is kinda bullshit that she’ll take more flack for this whole mess. Yes, she broke a sparkly, British vampire’s heart and is waaay more famous than this previously no name director. But Rupert Sanders has two kids and is MARRIED. That’s a lot larger of a bond to break with your dick than a girl in a relationship gettin’ it on with her clit. Truth!

Dayuuuuum he is dreamy. Sadsies all around. Image via fanpop.com

What a shitty situation for EVERYONE involved. Cheating never ends well. The cheaters always sound SO insincere when they apologize. Via People, Kristen released this statement:

“I’m deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I’ve caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry.”

And from Rupert Sanders:

“I am utterly distraught about the pain I have caused my family,” Sanders tells PEOPLE in an exclusive statement. “My beautiful wife and heavenly children are all I have in this world. I love them with all my heart. I am praying that we can get through this together.”

I think I’ll write a song called “I Love Him, I Love Him (I’m So Sorry)”. Fucking gold. But really, it’s pointless to lambast either of them because people make mistakes. However, the affair/tryst/romp in the car happened last week, so who knows if it would have gone on for longer or not. It is, however, highly unfortunate that all of this had to be dealt with in the media. It’s embarrassing for everyone involved.

And now we wait for Robert Pattinson to comment. Come on! It’s been almost a whole day! (I’m so sorry)

While you’re at it, F me on Facebook

Kristen Stewart caught cheating on Robert Pattinson, world to explode

Image via Usweekly.com

WHAT THE FUCKKKK this is amazing gossip. Who knows if it’s true or what actually happened, or if the “evidence” of them cheating isn’t just a great photographic angle. What I do know is that a bunch of tween girls, lame teens, depressing 20 somethings and scary adults will be mad at her for “breaking” Robert Pattinson’s heart. Or, in a parallel universe, they will rejoice that their prayers came true and Rpatz is finally single after what seems like decades with his Twilight co-star.

Kristen Stewart seems like a cool chick, and so does Rob. They’ve done so great with the media storm that follows them due to their multi billion dollar franchise. But now, it’s gonna get NASTY. Kristen will be labeled a badass whore with a pill/coke/whatever addiction, something a la Brit Brit and Lindsay.  And dear Robert will be celebrated as a sensitive bloke with a fragile soul that will take this situation as fuel for his movie career. Because once you get supernova big, the public loves NOTHING more to tear you down to your last shred of dignity and survival, and then when they’re ready, build you up again into a celebrity phoenix. Classic!