Music MPLS: Lizzo is tearin’ shit up on her new album “LIZZOBANGERS”

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Have you heard of Lizzo yet? HAVE YOU?! She’s everywhere in the Minneapolis music scene. For real. Last year she was girl-groupin’ it with The Chalice, a 3-piece girl group comprised of staples in the Mpls music scene: Ms. Lizzo, Sophia Eris, Claire de Lune. This year, she’s been busy with another girl group called GRRRL PRTY (Lizzo, Manchita and Sophia Eris) and her own solo release radly titled LIZZOBANGERS (which, by the way, I believe was titled waaaaay before Miley Cyrus swooped in with her Bangerz album BUT WHATEVS MILEY. WHAT-EVZ).

Anyways, LIZZOBANGERS was released this week out of local Minneapolis cool kid record label Totally Gross National Product. The album was produced by Lazerbeak (Doomtree) with creative guidance by Ryan Olson (Poliça). If you listen to the Current or Radio K, you’ve probably heard her first single “Batches and Cookies” (featuring Sophia Eris) allllll ova the airwaves. It’s a hip ass song for two reasons: sick beat and WHO THE FUCK DOESN’T LOVE COOKIES. Maybe we’re entering into a new trend in the Minneapolis music scene. After all, Caroline Smith sings about lemons in her latest single “Magazine.” Perhaps as a metro area, we really connect and identify with songs featuring foodstuffs. I know I do.

SO. If you’re into hip hop, kool chicks and mpls tunes, LIZZOBANGERS is the album 4 U. There are 13 tracks and there’s a song called “Bus Passes and Happy Meals” which is basically my new Wednesday afternoon anthem on the 16. Pick it up on iTunes RIGHT HERE BABIES.

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I hate rich people: Miley Cyrus Edition

miley-cyrus-dolla-bills-fashion-lead
Image via hollywoodlife.com

Gotta love the mega rich. It’s so much fun watching them spend crazy amounts of money–and wear money outfits now!– during an economic recession. Way to go, Miley. BRAVO. YOU’RE SO EDGY AND RICH.

The national unemployment rate is currently 7.6%.

Gross: Demi Lovato sells cars now

Demi Lovato, Car Saleswoman

EW. WHAT? Excuse me? Demi, are the first lyrics to your new song “Made in the USA” (PUKE TITLE) Our love runs deep like a Chevy? And is your chorus really cuz our love was made in the USA? Jesus. Nice try on the “Party in the USA” rip off, but no. Just… no.

Image via broadwayworld.com
She’s so edgy. Image via broadwayworld.com

How much do you think Chevy paid to have Demi Lovato, singer, actress, judge on The X Factor, to put a line referencing Chevy’s slogan in her song pukingly titled “Made in the USA”? Probably a lot. Oh, did I mention yet that Chevy is also the official car sponsor of The X Factor where Miss Lovato just happens to be a judge? Interesting! Transparent. And disgusting.

It’s like the mainstream music industry isn’t even trying to creatively cross promote anymore. Sure, Britney Spears made a couple of songs for Pepsi (and this AMAZING commercial that is my favorite commercial of all time), but she NEVER had a line in one of her albums about how good Pepsi is. It’s one thing to endorse a company and their product, but it’s another to bring it into your art or music and still call it art. It’s not art honey, it’s an ad. You make ads now.

Mental illness marketing is IN

The other thing that pisses me off about Demi Lovato is that she used/currently uses her mental illness(es) as a marketing tool. Come one, come all, o dearly afflicted teens! GROSS.

On one hand, she IS bringing awareness about mental illness into the homes of middle America. On the other, it seems a bit exploitative and confusing to talk about mental illness so much, and then release songs like this empty crap that have nothing to do with anything besides bringing brand awareness to said afflicted teens. Sort of like, Hey guys! I’m bipolar and depressed too. It really sucks, but you should check out this new 2014 Chevy. They are cool now. Skip the therapist to go for a test drive, cuz this shit runs DEEP. 

She's totally upset about the growing wealth disparity, you guys. Image via depotpicture.com
She’s totally upset about the growing wealth disparity, you guys. Image via depotpicture.com

Demi Lovato is the epitome of an uneducated, blank industry pawn. It’s not like she’s the first one ever, but she’s definitely the most obvious this year. It hurts me to know that these young stars, Miley, Justin, Selena, T-Swift, don’t have college educations, because I think a lot of them would be woken up to just how shitty of an influence they are on the world. It pains me to think about what’s going through their heads when they think of the world, life, entertainment, capitalism, commercialism, sexuality etc. *Shivers*

All in all, Lovato’s career is kinda doomed. She’s not ever going to be taken seriously as an ‘artist’ because of shit like this. There’s not really any coming back from corporate shillings. Cuz honestly, what’s next? A song about using Veet on your vag because boys think pubic hair is icky? “I love to Veet my vagina/it makes all the boys say ‘Hey Demetria!'” Wait that’s pretty good, actually.

I pray for my country.

Miley Cyrus channels coolest chick in pop Robyn with new hair

Image via The Superficial

Her hair looks EXACTLY like the strands of the coolest bitch in pop, Robyn!!! I dig it. I support any former Disney star doing something else besides hair extensions and substance abuse. Kudos, Miley!

Robyn is a gift to humanity. Image via stereogum.com

Obviously, if you’ve been reading gossip rags via cell phone all day at work like everyone else in the first world, you’d know that Miley Cyrus is fucking bored. Not like a bored-because-it’s-Sunday-and-all-of-my-friends-are-hungover-bums type of bored, but a deep-seeded boredom that stems from a ridiculously rich girl who can’t find a place in the mainstream market anymore. Sadsies!

What’s going on with Miley:

  • She’s engaged to Liam Hemsworth which I can only cringe about (I’m sure he’s a great guy, but if I married the doorstop that I dated at 19… it’s too dark to even joke about) but at least she has something to plan, even if they ARE super young.
  • She’s obviously experimenting with her style.
  • Shopping.

Aaaaand that’s about it for ol’ Miley! Someone get her a indie comedy co-starring William H. Macy before she becomes another can’t-stop-watching underage party girl trainwreck. This will be a fun one to watch.

Celebrité: Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth engaged. O great.

Yeah right Miley. Getting bored with your life, let’s wear a ring on THAT finger and get da folks talkin’! Hollywood must be just a huge mindfuck and Twitter race. Image via radaronline.com

Miley and Liam, Together For Now Forever

Ya know, I don’t wanna turn into a cynical B about love and marriage. But good GOD. Yes she’s been through a lot, made a shiz ton of money and already has career options, blah blah blah. But I don’t think Nick Jonas breaking your heart over at the Disney compound really prepares you for anything short of learning that people in the band “The Jonas Brothers” are fucking weird. Liam seems nice, I guess. I know an Australian, he’s nice too. But getting engaged at 19?! Good GOD! I know so much more now about what I like, what I don’t like, what I want to do with my life, etc. I can’t imagine picking the person I’d “be with forever” (because we know that shit ain’t real in Hollywood. More like, “Forever until you’re staining my career.” Right Kim? Katy? Everyone else?!) at 19. Or even now. Cray cray!

Good luck you two. I will not be completely surprised when if this doesn’t make it past 2015. But not just because you’re celebrities, because you’re young and people including change. That’s a very generous time frame btw. If you’re gonna Kim K this shit, you’ll be single by next year! Ahh, modern romance.

F me on Facebook + Twitter

Why Miley Got Her Gay-Marriage Tattoo: Entertainment: glamour.com

Miley Cyrus on Gay Marriage in America:

I believe every American should be allowed the same rights and civil liberties. Without legalized same-sex marriage, most of the time you cannot share the same health benefits, you are not considered next of kin and you are not granted the same securities as a heterosexual couple. How is this different than having someone sit in the back of the bus because of their skin color?

One day I read online about the head of Urban Outfitters donating to a presidential candidate who does not support equality for everyone. I was shocked and disappointed that a company with such diversity would exclude such a large group of people. I can no longer bring myself to shop there.

Read more at Why Miley Got Her Gay-Marriage Tattoo: Entertainment: glamour.com.

Movies: The Hunger Games

I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE HUNGER GAMES MOVIES!!!

HOT HOT HOT
HOT BITCH Josh Hutcherson as Peeta

After I read all the books in practically 5 minutes, I was sad because it was over, but excited because the movie form is going to be here on March 23rd.

The casting is genius. Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss is perfect. Liam Hemsworth as Gale is good (and super hot, F you Miley Cyrus!) But Josh Hutcherson as Peeta is fucking genius. That guy has the exact eyes I envisioned Peeta having. He is beyond perfect looking for this role. And really really really cute. I haven’t felt this way about a threesome since (your freshman year of college, slut) Harry Potter.

If you haven’t read the books yet, what the fuck are you doing with your life?! GET ON IT, STAT! They are phenomenal. Sometimes, all a young adult or old person needs is some serious fascist-revolution-teen-reading-level-kick-ass literature. Suzanne Collins, the author of the trilogy, puts Stephanie Meyer of Twilight fame to shame. Fighting a fascist government to save your family and the lives of your hot boyfriends is way more important than just having a boyfriend. For real.

Hot and amazing Hunger Games cast
Hot and amazing Hunger Games cast