A young B. Spears in the making. Oh god.
Soul Sisters: Britney Spears and Honey Boo Boo
The poor gal’s sangria
With the last few hot days of the year winding down, it is necessary to make a slow transition from being a summer drunk to a fall drunk, with class!
Supplies
Wine
Frozen fruit
Wine glasses
Put the frozen fruit in the wine. It not only cools down your wine when it’s hot as nails in your apartment, but it gives you a snack for later. What the fuck is better than that.
Holla!
No wonder Justin Timberlake is scarred from making music ever again
This version of “I Want You Back” was obviously never released in America. It explains everything.
PS: I will cut a bitch who says this isn’t one of the best vocal groups of our modern age, even if they do have crazy terrible millennium-euro-dance videos. HOLLA JC.
Forever Young: Jackie Stallone
Jackie Stallone. Not a day over WHAT THE FUCK.
6 reasons why Prince Harry’s alleged cocaine and sex tape are not shocking at all
I’ve read enough celebrity gossip to understand that rich people like to fuck and do drugs. I understand it’s fun for the media and everyone else to catch celebrities “doing bad things,” but everyone fucks and does some kind of drug (alcohol included bitches), unless you are a total scab. So what, a rich kid from England who happens to be a prince AND in the Army gets naked with women and does a bunch of blow and films an alleged sex tape? GET OUT. I’ve never heard of rich people or anyone in the armed forces doing any of that before! No wonder the Queen is so perturbed!
Here are some reasons why this is not shocking news:
- He’s rich. Rich people have money, power, access to really good drugs and loads of women who want a good story. And if they’re lucky, a decent lay.
- He’s in the Army. Armed service people like to get FUCKED UP. Drankin, druggin’, fuckin’, what have you. And why not! Their job may literally kill them, so why not take the same risk on their off hours.
- He’s a prince. Do you even know how much blow/ladies/free hotel rooms with hidden cameras would be thrown your way? This was bound to happen. Let’s just be happy it was the fun prince. No one wants to see William and Kate playing British Scrabble and discussing past episodes of Downton Abbey.
- He’s third in line to the throne. Puh-leaze. That kid ain’t neva gonna be King. Sigh. I guess there won’t be jagerbombs and gummies for all.
- He’s a ginger. Fire in the loins.
- He’s alive.
But, people love a scandal. And they love even more to see rich, famous people disgrace themselves. At least we’ll get an alright Lifetime movie out of this, life every semi-disgraced celebrity with low morals and standards (Hey, Lindsay!) Prince Harry: A Troubled Prince Against an Eight Ball the World. Can’t wait!
Celebrité: The Evolution Of LeAnn Rimes
It’s GOTTA be a little bit humiliating growing up and going through puberty while being famous. Can you imagine your very own chubby years, shitty teeth, bad hair decisions and awful outfits being photographed while you were winning Grammys and still trying to figure out how to use a fucking tampon?! NEVER. I can’t even fathom the thought. Also, do you remember how huge her song “Blue” was? I was living in Kansas as a child at the time, so maybe it was forgotten in other less-country places in the world. But holy shit, talk about a 180 image change! Country child star to marrying the guy she co-homewrecked two marriages with. I smell a Lifetime movie somewhere.
Check out Buzzfeed’s The Evolution Of LeAnn Rimes.
And listen to her voice here. She was 13. HOLY MOLY. No comparison to other young country stars. Except maybe the legendary Billy Gilman.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger: The birth of Chavril, the death of our souls
OH god. It’s like the gods of terrible music, hair and style started subsidizing meth to cupid workers in a heaven that looks like a back alley somewhere in Detroit.
You can bet your bottom dollar that these two are going to annoy the shit out of us in any way possible via reality shows, scat porn, you name it. It was reported that they have been together for 6 months, which is way too soon to know if you want to marry someone btw. Is this Chad Kroeger’s plan to finally become cool in America? Hahaha that’s so sweet. But going through Avril Lavigne is not the way to do it. Putting two of the most uncool, “seriously, who the fuck are their fans” people together is as confusing as a sex dream about a member of your extended family.
Love is love, so if it’s true to them, more power to ’em. Chavril? Oh sweet mother of god.
Gossip folk: American Idol, Do Something! Awards, and Taylor Swift at the VMAs
American Idol judge rumors
Reports have been circulating completely leaked by anyone who works at American Idol that a bunch of HUGE OMG stars are considering judging on American Idol next season. I’ve read reports that Kanye, Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey are all rumored to be in consideration for a judge spot on the biggest “that show is still on?” show on TV.
First of all, no. Anyone with an actual artistic career (Kanye and Nicki) would be an idiot to accept a position like this on TV. American Idol is used not so much as a platform for hopeful nobodies to never finally earn notoriety, but more as a restart button for stars who have faded from the spotlight and need to fuel their addiction to gay russian squirrel porn pay their bills and egos. Exhibit A:
- Paula Abdul wasn’t doin’ shit before she was on the show, besides starring in scat videos. I wouldn’t know if she was a household name when her career hit its peak for that month in 1993 because I learning how to spell and shit. But if she hadn’t been a judge on American Idol, not many people would remember her mediocre pop career.
- J Lo had a failed marriage and some kids, but wasn’t really doing anything in the realm of entertainment. It’s funny that she’s so famous, because I don’t think she’s ever done anything that’s earned critical praise post In Living Color. Or any kind of praise at all. It’s a corporate conspiracy!
- Stephen Tyler, who the fuck knows. He was bored? He got sober and needed something to distract him from drugs and boozey treats?
See? Nobody ACTUALLY relevant and present-day successful becomes a judge on a shitty television show where you have to vote for people you’ll see at your local Walmart during their summer “tour.” That being said, let’s expect to welcome Mariah Carey to American Idol this fall, with the perfect amount of “you’ll never be as good as me” enthusiasm that the young kids really need to hear more of these days.
Do Something! Awards aka C-list celebrities sniffing their own farts
Oh great. Pseudo-celebs gathering on VH1 (seriously, what the fuck happened to that network) to praise themselves and each other for BEING SO GREAT at the Do Something! Awards. Isn’t the point of doing charity work helping others and not calling attention to how great you are?! Sure, it’s nice to party, and I’m sure it’s even nicer to party and be on TV (even if it IS on VH1). But good god. Famewhores alert! Is Ryan Lochte gonna be there too?!
The stunning presenter list includes Kristin Bell, John Cho, Olivia Munn, Will Ferrell, Harry Shum, Jr. I don’t know who the last guy is. Fitting!
Taylor Swift at the VMAs
So I saw this promo for the MTV VMAs with Taylor Swift and Kevin Hart.
And this is what came to mind: Her deadpan is actually really good, and girlfriend could use about 5 cigarettes a day. I would love to hear a gritty, cigged-out Taylor Swift throat singing all her “you should fuck off and die, bastard!” songs. Let’s start a campaign!
Gaga is brunette now, cue self-dyed teenage hair debacles across the globe
Way back when nobody had even heard of a Gaga, our Lady Mother Monster was a brunette. She was running around Lollapalooza in lingerie and big brown hair. But, as fate would have it, Amy Winehouse also had a similar look at the time AND was a bigger star. Gaga needed to change her look, which led to the blonde Gaga with the bow made of hair that we all loved and adored.
She looks so wonderfully Italian and human in this photo, which is refreshing because pop stars’ looks are starting to get very overwhelming (I’m lookin’ at you, Ke$ha and Nicki Minaj). That Gaga, always ahead of the trends! Also, her all-black outfit makes me crave September and all the wonderful fall goodness that comes with the changing seasons.
TIP: If you are a dyed blonde looking to go brown like Gaga for fall, take it to a professional. My hair turned green once at the tips because it wasn’t taking the color. Fucking up your hair sucks, so spend the money and save the emotional distress!
If you’re not watching “Damages” you need to seriously reevaluate your Netflix subscription
Remember the days of “oohs!” and “aahs!” when it came to your Netflix instant queue? I HAVE to watch that. I heard the juxtaposition of post-modernity and consumerism coupled with Brad Pitt’s abs will scintillate both mind and loins. A cinematic mung bean fricassee for all! Well my friends, those days are long gone. No longer are we met with endless upon endless films that systematically wet our mind, body and soul. Because you’ve either already seen it, re-watched it a couple times (Arrested Development never gets old) or can’t get through the first 5 minutes of some British TV show that’s supposed to be funny, but just ends up being the poor man’s version of the 2012 London Olympic opening ceremony.
Among all the terrible, horrible, good-for-nothing things on Netflix, there remains a couple gems that may have slipped under your radar. One of them is Damages.
Here are three things I’ve learned so far from watching season 1 of Damages and why you should definitely be watching:
- What I find most appealing and thought provoking is that every single character solidifies the idea that there is no inherent good or bad in this world. And god damn is it refreshing. It never gives in to a society-at-large that wishes with all its Christmas spirit that cut-and-dried, good and evil truly exist. Instead, Damages exposes us to the cold hard fact that we live in a spectral continuum of being a huge dick or being pretty cool. In other words: Black and White, meet 50 billion shades of self-righteous gray.
- Glenn Close. GLENN CLOSE. When I was little and exposed to her in the live-action version 101 Dalmatians, I was like “that lady is MEAN!” and I didn’t care much for her. As I am older and a bit wiser, I realize what an uninformed jerk I was at 7. She is a phenomenal actress, and is the absolute anchor of this series in one of the best roles ever written on television. Her portrayal of Patty Hewes has you questioning EVERYTHING about anything, whether it be character motives on the show, things in your own life, or why your stoned friend is eyeing the fuck out of your dessert.
- Trust no one. Is it a product of living in an untrustworthy society, or is it a dramatic, Hollywood interpretation of wading through the waters of Société Elite? Probably both. All I know is that if you have to ask someone if they can be trusted, they’re probably going to end up killing you right before they eat a mediocre sandwich. The more you know!
2PF 
