WHY: Why is Avril Lavigne still making music?

Posted on by 20poorandfabulous

Avril Lavigne releases the least rock and roll song ever called “Rock and Roll”

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SHE’S SO PUNK AND EDGY YOU GUYS.

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There are just so many questions surrounding the puzzling fact that Avril Lavigne is STILL GETTING PAID TO MAKE MUSIC. A modern day “Who killed Kennedy” of the pop music world if you will, except the exact opposite. Who the fuck is keeping her alive? And WHY GOD, WHYYYYYYYYYY?

I’ll admit I was totally into her song “Sk8er Boi” in middle school, cuz I remember taping it on a cassette tape from the radio and listening to and jumping around my room every night before bed. She totally fit into that anti-Britney/Christina/Jessica mold that was puking blonde highlights and belly button rings into everyone’s eyebalss in the early aughts. Avril made sense back then from a marketing standpoint: grab the attention of the girls who don’t look or act like Britney/Christina/Jessica and give them Avril because they don’t know who Blondie is yet. MONAYZ. Got it.

It is now 2013. And for the past probably 6-7 years of popular music, I am always SO CONFUSED as to why she is STILL releasing songs. Here are some thoughts:

GAHHHHHH. Everything grating in one picture. Image via justjared.com
GAHHHHHH. Everything grating in one picture: faux raybans, shaved sidehead, a fucking HAT. You make it too easy, Avril. Image via justjared.com
  • She’s engaged to Chad Kroeger from Nickelback. That’s pop culture relevant for a few LOLs. (I can’t even write that sentence without laughing a little bit. love is love, good for them, blah blah blah but still. THE most uncool pairing in the history of Canadian pop, right?!).
  • She signed some crazy awesome (for her) record deal back in 2001 that was crazy like 10 records or something.
  • Canada is secretly the most powerful pop music machine in the world (Avril, Bieber, Carly Rae Jepsen, CELINE DION)
  • God doesn’t hates us, he just doesn’t give a shit anymore.

Take a listen at her new Max Martin produced song called “Rock and Roll” below. It’s not horrible from a music standpoint because Max Martin is a pop music genius producer and can do no wrong. But Avril, really?! Still harpin’ on the faux punk “fuck the system, I’m rock and roll” pop canadian princess thing? WHY HASN’T ANYBODY TAUGHT HER WHAT IS COOL. She’s almost fucking 30. Drop the faux punk shit, plz. It’s so embarrassing! There are ways to still look edgy without pretending to be 17 and afflicted. Just ask Kelly Osbourne. Or (cringe) Pink. She manages to not look like a fucking idiot, puts on a fascinating pop trapeze show, and releases non-vomit inducing pop music. Or, you know, you can ask literally anyone who is 30, looks cool and isn’t Chad Kroeger.

Good grief.

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger: The birth of Chavril, the death of our souls

Posted on by 20poorandfabulous
This is happening. Image via idolator.com

OH god. It’s like the gods of terrible music, hair and style started subsidizing meth to cupid workers in a heaven that looks like a back alley somewhere in Detroit.

You can bet your bottom dollar that these two are going to annoy the shit out of us in any way possible via reality shows, scat porn, you name it. It was reported that they have been together for 6 months, which is way too soon to know if you want to marry someone btw. Is this Chad Kroeger’s plan to finally become cool in America? Hahaha that’s so sweet. But going through Avril Lavigne is not the way to do it. Putting two of the most uncool, “seriously, who the fuck are their fans” people together is as confusing as a sex dream about a member of your extended family.

Love is love, so if it’s true to them, more power to ’em. Chavril? Oh sweet mother of god.