Facebook political season Part 1: Kill me now

Image via kenny08.com

Oh great. In the eternal words of Mortal Kombat, “It has begun!”

Yet another season of “Why MY political candidate is the new Jesus and not yours.” Throw in a “Go America!” or a “Fuck America!” depending on intelligence.

I’m either gonna develop a drinking problem, get hooked on pills or delete my facebook account until November. It’s exhausting reading so many spelling and grammar mistakes and general flawed logic while ranting about the other side discussing politics on Facebook.

So, wonderful readers, tell your stupid friends to kindly “wake up, you turds. Politicians are liars. Choose the least evil one and get on with your life. No politician in the history of politics has EVER done every single thing they said they were going to do during their campaign.” Or at least think it in your head because talking to anyone on facebook these days is a huge drag.

Uh, can he be President? Image via politifake.org

If all our idiot facebook acquaintances we went to high school with could remember back to 6th grade social studies, they would know there’s these little things called the House of Representatives and the Senate. You know, as a way to SHARE POWER and not let just one person decide everything. Otherwise that would technically be a dictatorship. But they probably only think brown people who don’t speak English and don’t have Walmarts can live under dictatorships. Those silly kids fully developed adults!

Let’s get one thing straight: Times are tough. Well, tough-ish. Not being able to buy everything one wants all the time isn’t really considered tough by like, 90% of the world. No one politician short of God him/her/itself can solve all of our problems immediately. I think it’s forgotten that we have things like Congress set in place to do checks and balances. Those checks and balances take time, y’all.

We know who the democratic candidate is, Mr. Obama. Has a law degree, prior work experience, ok cool. But seriously, I could find a better set of republican candidates on the bottom of my shoe after a walk through a shitty park. That’s all they could come up with? There is no doubt in my mind that Obama will be re-elected. Santorum? Gingrich? Skin bags full of crazy. Romney? Rich asshole. Paul? Nice try, sweetheart.

Yup. THAT GUY wants to run our country, ladies. I don't fucking think so. Image via reverendbuki.wordpress.com

Nonetheless, it really makes me sad to see people putting all their faith behind any one candidate to be elected for President. Why? Let’s not divide this way, folks. It’s an old trick. Split the population, make us think we’re a “divided” nation, just to have either candidate do the same shit they always do. The entire republican vs. democrat shit is embarrassing for anyone older than 16 and not in high school government class. Honestly. It doesn’t do us any good.

We as people need to figure out what we want (remember that little thing called the constitution that says “We the People“?), not be told what we want by any candidate on any spot of the political spectrum. It’s not okay for politicians to tell US what to do. We tell THEM what to do, dammit. Let’s as a nation have a little bit of self respect for once.

Until we find ourselves united, there will be so so SO many facebook political gems just around the corner from every login. Happy FBP season, and please don’t kill yourself over all the stupidity. We need you.


Read: Why Rick Santorum Would Have Killed My Daughter

A must read.

“Though he has no medical training, and no business commenting on the medical decisions that women and their doctors make, he argues that such tests shouldn’t be provided, or that employers at least should be allowed to opt out of paying for them on ‘moral grounds.'”

Yeah, what the hell is up with Santorum and his opinions on sex, women, abortions and medical issues he has absolutely no degree in? He has never studied medicine. A government leader should not bring these topics up as American issues based on solely their religious beliefs. Being a Christian (insert any belief system here) does not make you and your religious opinions better than knowing actual science. It’s all sorts of wrong. He’s supposed to run a government, not our uteruses nor our lives. Why do these fart faces get attention? Seriously! This is the best republicans could come up with?

Why Rick Santorum Would Have Killed My Daughter.

Obama is SO getting a second term if this is the turd he’s up against. WHAT ABOUT THE ECONOMY AND FOREIGN POLICIES, SANTORUM?! HMM? Are you the maler, more Christian, less gun-ny and more uterus-obsessed Sarah Palin? Quick, where’s Russia!!!! Seriously, all he talks about is uteruses and how much he hates the people around them and loves the fetuses inside them.

Fetus Fetish: The Rick Santorum Story.

Santorum, stay outta my sex life and uterus (this is a way disgusting sentence). Jesus!

What a freak moron.

Politik: 5 people I’d prefer over the Republican candidate nominees

So presidential. Photo via your-hairstyler.com

Khloe Kardashian 

Lamar Odom would be the sensitive, basketball-playing first man and Khloe’s soundbites would be absolutely hilarious. “China, honey, get it together.”

Probable political stances

  • Pro-photo shoot for everyday events including going to the mall, eating a taco and surfing the web
  • Reality shows for everyone!
  • More money for the arts and sports
  • Kim has to live in Guam. Forever.
Kristen Bell
Kristen Bell would be the awesomest president EVER.
She can sense when a sloth is near. Perfect candidate. Image via thefw.com

Probable political stances

  • Sloths everywhere
  • Hunger Games Day is celebrated every year
  • No more wars
  • Mandatory hugs at 4:00 pm and am every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday
  • The Veronica Mars movie will finally be made
Ice and Coco, America’s first presidential couple. Image via celebritywonder.ugo.com

 Ice and Coco

Coco and Ice-T would be the PERFECT pair for the presidency. Ice would be the harder, tough love business side of politics, and Coco would have the tender heart and ass-pics to keep us all entertained.
Probable political stances
  • Law and Order SVU syndicate profits go to underdeveloped areas and at-risk kids in the US
  •  Coco teaches us all how to be sweeter and sexier
  • Strong, monogamous relationships are encouraged and warrant tax breaks
  • Licious online discounts for everyone
Anyone from Downton Abbey 
Can you imagine the drama they would have in the White House?! The Dowager Countess’ soundbites would totally be better than Khloe’s, Mary would sleep with and then kill all foreign adversaries, and Isobel would definitely give us all universal healthcare.
Probable political stances

Yesyesyesyes. Image via fanpop.com
  • Tea time
  • Anyone can marry their cousin if an inheritance is tied up with gender
  • Everyone must dress for dinner
  • Donald Trump and his new money cronies would be sent to Azkaban

Meat Cat from 30 Rock

Probable political stances

  • Cheesy blasters for school lunches
  • Sunglasses and skateboards required to be in public
  • Pants are “immoral”
  • Cats deemed higher class citizens

F me on Facebook + Twitter, baby.

Politik: Why are these people the Republican candidates?

Look how cute. They're playing dress up again. Bless their hearts! Image via onntv.com

Every time I hear a soundbite of the Republican political trail, I have to remind myself what kind of crazy is speaking and why I shouldn’t get red-in-the-face pissed off.

It seems pointless to even speak about the candidates who wish to run against Obama, because there isn’t even a chance in ironic hell that any of these people would be nominated to be President of the United States over Obama. But let’s give crazy a fun gander anyways, shall we?

The 2012 Republican candidate nominees

He looks quiet, yet he's probably thinking about how immoral your sex life is. Or death in utero and the Netherlands. Bummer. Photo via theatlantic.com

Rick Santorum pretty much wants to be a Christian moral guide for a country that is supposed to have religious liberties. Funny, I haven’t heard much about his foreign policies or anything else besides him talking about sex, death and abortion, none of which are our biggest problems nationally nor globally. Fetish, anyone?

Mitt Romney is a rich, white guy who is so out of touch with the country and people he wants to lead. He pays less taxes than the masses, and wants us to sympathize with the banks throughout the whole economic crisis. He’s right. The poor banks. He also probably bathes in money, eats gold salt on his mungbean salads and then attaches a small, immigrant family to the top of his car, for charity.

Ron Paul is the moderate-who-leans-right-man’s wet, political dream. I get the libertarian appeal. And to be honest, he definitely is the least crazy of the candidates.

RP, you are the least crazy of the bunch and probably the most in touch with reality. Good for you. Image via wethepeopleforpaul.com

But really, he wants to extend Bush tax cuts for the rich, yet accept an almost $40,000 a year salary to “stand with the American People,” from his “Plan to Restore America.” Restore it to what, exactly? His message sounds a lot more like ad-libs using “constitutional government,” “freedom-loving Americans” and “cut spending” in every grammatically correct free space. He likes peace though. If only the rest of his ideas were as good as that one.

 Newt Gingrich. Gingy as I like to think of him in my head. Probably my favorite candidate because I believe he truly IS a sociopath. Left a sick wife for another blonder, scarier, mistress-y wife who probably eats children, likes moon colonies, and wants to run America under what sounds like a “Freedom Dictatorship because Newt Rocks” agenda that’s written on his 7th grade trapper keeper. His doodles are good too.

Lessons learned

This woman will eat your soul, and then wear your face to bed. Would you want this to be first lady? Photo via sternfannetwork.com

So what have we learned about the Republican candidates? Just put the word freedom, liberty, cut spending and God in front of anything you want to do, and somehow, somewhere, you will be a republican candidate for presidency. Because people really enjoy being told by religious nuttys and millionaires how to live their lives and that they really aren’t all that poor. Who knew it was that easy?!

20poorandfabulous 2016.

“Freedom, Liberty, God, Justice, Blogs, Free ice cream for people named Steve, and Mac computers for all Latinos who can dance really well. Because this is the United States, dammit!”

Hey Santorum, stay outta my sex life

Photo via thinkprogress.org

In more ways than one, please.

So I guess presidential hopeful(ly not) Rick Santorum cares about our sex lives, folks.

“…the whole sexual libertine idea… It’s not okay because it’s a license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”

Oh pray tell, Mr. Santorum!

…[sex] becomes deconstructed to the point where it’s simply pleasure. And that’s certainly a part of it–and it’s an important part of it, don’t get me wrong–but there’s a lot of things we do for pleasure, and this is special, and it needs to be seen as special.”

Um, hello. A politician named Rick Santorum is not seriously talking to us about the decency of sex, is he? Sure, the last name is an easy and ironic target, but politician mixed with sexual moral high ground is also a frothy mixture best left hidden in cheap hotel bathrooms.