Farewell Santy. You were a greatly written character during the Republican race for the White House: Back to White America. Much more memorable than all the other people I’ve already forgotten about. Wait, Gingrich was pretty cray cray. He’ll probably be back for Road Rules: Republican candidates get wild in Cabo San Lucas. I’d actually like to be on that show. Can you imagine the things that would be flying out of those mouths after 2 shots of Bacardi Razz? If only. Let’s remember the good times we had with Santorum, and then forget him forever.
Pretending he knows anything about the medical profession. Playing Operation doesn’t really give anyone the credentials to make serious medical decisions for millions of people, and neither does being a Christian or a politician, jerkface.
For a while, his campaign was afoot with death, sex and abortion, which made him look like a sick fetishist. That was fun I guess.
He thinks it’s wrong to have sex for pleasure. Why you just take our Netflix, chocolate and Chipotle burritos away from us too, asswipe!
Every time I hear a soundbite of the Republican political trail, I have to remind myself what kind of crazy is speaking and why I shouldn’t get red-in-the-face pissed off.
It seems pointless to even speak about the candidates who wish to run against Obama, because there isn’t even a chance in ironic hell that any of these people would be nominated to be President of the United States over Obama. But let’s give crazy a fun gander anyways, shall we?
The 2012 Republican candidate nominees
Rick Santorum pretty much wants to be a Christian moral guide for a country that is supposed to have religious liberties. Funny, I haven’t heard much about his foreign policies or anything else besides him talking about sex, death and abortion, none of which are our biggest problems nationally nor globally. Fetish, anyone?
Mitt Romney is a rich, white guy who is so out of touch with the country and people he wants to lead. He pays less taxes than the masses, and wants us to sympathize with the banks throughout the whole economic crisis. He’s right. The poor banks. He also probably bathes in money, eats gold salt on his mungbean salads and then attaches a small, immigrant family to the top of his car, for charity.
Ron Paul is the moderate-who-leans-right-man’s wet, political dream. I get the libertarian appeal. And to be honest, he definitely is the least crazy of the candidates.
But really, he wants to extend Bush tax cuts for the rich, yet accept an almost $40,000 a year salary to “stand with the American People,” from his “Plan to Restore America.” Restore it to what, exactly? His message sounds a lot more like ad-libs using “constitutional government,” “freedom-loving Americans” and “cut spending” in every grammatically correct free space. He likes peace though. If only the rest of his ideas were as good as that one.
Newt Gingrich. Gingy as I like to think of him in my head. Probably my favorite candidate because I believe he truly IS a sociopath. Left a sick wife for another blonder, scarier, mistress-y wife who probably eats children, likes moon colonies, and wants to run America under what sounds like a “Freedom Dictatorship because Newt Rocks” agenda that’s written on his 7th grade trapper keeper. His doodles are good too.
So what have we learned about the Republican candidates? Just put the word freedom, liberty, cut spending and God in front of anything you want to do, and somehow, somewhere, you will be a republican candidate for presidency. Because people really enjoy being told by religious nuttys and millionaires how to live their lives and that they really aren’t all that poor. Who knew it was that easy?!
“Freedom, Liberty, God, Justice, Blogs, Free ice cream for people named Steve, and Mac computers for all Latinos who can dance really well. Because this is the United States, dammit!”
Here we go again. Another hilarious attempt at trying to be president. So cute. Here are the boyz at the South Carolina GOP primary debate.
None of these people will be prez. I don’t have much beef against Ron Paul, at least he’s not a carbon copy of every GOP candidate like, ever. However, the others are a delightful santorum sundae, no? Gingrich is a hypocrite, Mitt Romney probably doesn’t even know who Nicki Minaj is, let alone our beloved Lady Gaga. That dude is out of touch. And Santorum, well… just no.
Can’t Leslie Knope just run for President? If she cared about all of us the way she cares about Pawnee, we could be great again people. Plus, Ron Swanson would probably be Vice-President. OMFG. All the meat-loving, gun-toters will love the VP, and Knope will get some serious things done for the good of humanity. Only in our dreams. And maybe the future 10th season series finale.
I’m not even stressed out or worried about the upcoming election. I don’t think anyone is, really. The republican vs. democrat platform is cracking, slowly but surely. All the lies about their personal lives and getting caught soliciting gay sex in bathrooms while you’re married is just so, so sad. Be gay. It’s ok. It’s normal.
Dearest hardcore, old, angry republicans,
I wish you would just relax. You always seem really upset, about which I have no idea. First world problems are tough, I know. But you can get through this. Yo, just take a hot bath, figure out your life and ponder why you are sometimes meanies and hate people for weak reasons. Go to India or something. Thailand would work too. Let us know if pad thai tastes the same, ok? Send a postcard too.
Oooooo. Thank you, universe. Rick Perry, or George Bush 2.0 has cut his losses and dropped out of the GOP candidacy race. Hating on gays will get you nowhere, Mr. Perry. I hope you’ve learned your lesson!
Newt Gingrich, on the other hand, has been outed by his 2nd wife as allegedly wanting an open marriage. Which normally wouldn’t shock people too much, except for the fact that he’s running on a conservative, jerk-face platform, and I guess open marriages are frowned upon in the conservative, republican milieu.
His former wife, Marianne Gingrich, said Newt wanted an open marriage after admitting he had an affair with one of his aides for 6 years during their marriage. If that isn’t bad enough, Newt left Marrianne, when she was DIAGNOSED WITH MS, to marry the other woman, who is his current wife Callista Gingrich.
What kind of huge piece of shit cheats on his wife for 6 YEARS? Newt Gingrich, we’re looking at YOU. Also, what kind of bitch has an affair with a married man for 6 years? Callista Gingrich, we’re looking at YOU. Shit or get off the pot you jerks.
What is WRONG with politicians, man? I would rather a candidate come out with all of his dirty laundry first before being distracted from actual new stories about their philandering ways. “I smoke and I like hookers but dammit, I will not lie to the American public about my life or my intentions in office!” Sigh, if only. It’s no shock that politicians lie to the American public about their lives. Creating a false image of family togetherness is something all politicians, regardless of party, are guilty of. Right, John Edwards? If they lie about things like family life to get votes, what ELSE could they lie about?! Policy, promises, faith, etc.
Look, politicians and future politicos, you seem to be the biggest liars, probably of all time. Cut the crap, tell the truth. Change the game, instead of looking like jerks 24/7.