Politik: Why are these people the Republican candidates?

Every time I hear a soundbite of the Republican political trail, I have to remind myself what kind of crazy is speaking and why I shouldn’t get red-in-the-face pissed off.

It seems pointless to even speak about the candidates who wish to run against Obama, because there isn’t even a chance in ironic hell that any of these people would be nominated to be President of the United States over Obama. But let’s give crazy a fun gander anyways, shall we?

The 2012 Republican candidate nominees

Rick Santorum pretty much wants to be a Christian moral guide for a country that is supposed to have religious liberties. Funny, I haven’t heard much about his foreign policies or anything else besides him talking about sex, death and abortion, none of which are our biggest problems nationally nor globally. Fetish, anyone?

Mitt Romney is a rich, white guy who is so out of touch with the country and people he wants to lead. He pays less taxes than the masses, and wants us to sympathize with the banks throughout the whole economic crisis. He’s right. The poor banks. He also probably bathes in money, eats gold salt on his mungbean salads and then attaches a small, immigrant family to the top of his car, for charity.

Ron Paul is the moderate-who-leans-right-man’s wet, political dream. I get the libertarian appeal. And to be honest, he definitely is the least crazy of the candidates.

But really, he wants to extend Bush tax cuts for the rich, yet accept an almost $40,000 a year salary to “stand with the American People,” from his “Plan to Restore America.” Restore it to what, exactly? His message sounds a lot more like ad-libs using “constitutional government,” “freedom-loving Americans” and “cut spending” in every grammatically correct free space. He likes peace though. If only the rest of his ideas were as good as that one.

 Newt Gingrich. Gingy as I like to think of him in my head. Probably my favorite candidate because I believe he truly IS a sociopath. Left a sick wife for another blonder, scarier, mistress-y wife who probably eats children, likes moon colonies, and wants to run America under what sounds like a “Freedom Dictatorship because Newt Rocks” agenda that’s written on his 7th grade trapper keeper. His doodles are good too.

Lessons learned

So what have we learned about the Republican candidates? Just put the word freedom, liberty, cut spending and God in front of anything you want to do, and somehow, somewhere, you will be a republican candidate for presidency. Because people really enjoy being told by religious nuttys and millionaires how to live their lives and that they really aren’t all that poor. Who knew it was that easy?!

20poorandfabulous 2016.

“Freedom, Liberty, God, Justice, Blogs, Free ice cream for people named Steve, and Mac computers for all Latinos who can dance really well. Because this is the United States, dammit!”