GAGA. THE GAGA. Happy Birthday, you wonderful weirdo girl. You’ve made pop music something to be proud of, and you’ve definitely made me dance and sing a lot more than usual. I LOVE you so. Your style, fashion and performances are so entertaining and amazing. Thanks for being our favorite Mother Monster.
Take a look at our girl Gaga back in 2009 at the VMA’s. This will always be my favorite performance of hers, because it was, of sorts, her debut into main stream pop music. She sang wonderfully live (a feat for pop music, let’s be honest), danced, played the piano and scared the shit out of everyone in the audience and the world. And that, folks, is how the legend was born…
“I’m still I’m still Jenny from the block. Now, go get my fucking Evian and warm it to exactly 72 degrees. Then lightly spray in on my breadless sandwich, and stand 32 degrees away from me facing east. It’s best for digestion, peasant.” –Not an actual quote from Jennifer Lopez
Image via imdb.com
I’ve been on the fence with J-Lo ever since her movie with Ben Affleck totally ruined my life. Remember reading Gigliover and over and pronouncing it “giggly” and then being forever confused for the rest of your life? Thanks J-Lo, you dick.
In all seriousness, there’s a lot of cool and not so cool things about Jenny from the huge-fucking-mansion-in-the-gated-community (new song?). Let’s examine.
The Evidence
The tagline for the movie Gigli is: “The violent story about how a criminal lesbian, a tough-guy hit-man with a heart of gold, and a retarded man came to be best friends through a hostage.” And you’re telling me that movie was a flop? GET OUT! It actually sounds kind of genius. Like, Tropic Thunder genius. I bet someone went full retard. I hear you’re not supposed to do that. Gigli makes me miss the days where Hollywood could literally produce pieces of excrement and not even care if they were successful. I say, kudos to J-Lo for picking a movie with that tagline. +1
She totally changed Ben Affleck into a suity kind of bourgeois guy that we know he is not. He’s a Boston-y dude who likes beards and plaid. Plus, we shouldn’t change our significant others so dramatically. Getting them to do the dishes or cut down on cigarettes is way different than making them dress and act different. Boo! Maybe Benny was into it, but seeing as the wedding never happened and he’s back to beards and plaid, I’d say Jenny had a firm wrist in that relationship.
-3
She’s known for being a diva, but who isn’t? 0
Holla at a girl! I LOVED On the 6 when I was in middle school. That shit was my jam. Image via virginmedia.com
You can’t deny this bitch knows how to make some BANK. Celebrity clothing lines/perfumes (no matter how trashy) make a lot of money. Just look at Jessica Simpson and her billion dollar empire. J-Lo’s music career kind of revived itself with her clubby hit “On the Floor.” And who can forget her *amazing* acting career. She’s a stahhhh, so she gets s set amount of dough before each movie. That’s why you never see her in indie flicks. And lastly, her stint on American Idol, where pop stars kind of go to die. Right, Paula? Anyways, you can’t deny she is a successful and powerful lady who deserves the recognition for making a shit ton of moolah. +5
She picks really, really terrible movies to be in. -4
She’s always handled her tabloid drama well. Divorces, marriages, rumors, etc. She’s got the media down. +5
Jenny represents her latino/a heritage well for an American born lady. It’s good to have a powerful woman around, not to mention a great, hot, successful latina running a bunch of shit. Good for her. +5
J-Lo got her start on In Living Color as a fly girl, which is probably the coolest start to a career anyone could ever have. +2
Image via people.com
She wasn’t born with a silver spoon in her future silver spoon-y mouth. +1
She’s known for not drinking alcohol or taking any drugs. Which sounds boring (who doesn’t love a cocktail?!) but have you seen her? She looks amazing. Pretty much like 20 years haven’t gone by. Yeah she probably has some sweet-ass creams that are a million dollars an ounce. But her genetics and lifestyle also come into play. Jealz! +2
The Score
20
Omg, I think I like J-Lo. Not enough to buy her latest music (yet), but enough to play On the 6 while putting eyeliner on.Plus, she was a fly girl. Nuff said.
Possibly my biggest relationship inspiration. They’re fun, funny and successful.
And they seem happy, which is only solidified by their penchant to stay the fuck out of the tabloids. We all know those tabloid relationships are doomed, because the people in them are famewhores. But this ain’t the case here. It’s true love. I can feel it.
Up All Nightis a refreshingly progressive show. In the day and age of old, crusty white men hating on the womenz, NBC totally has their shit together with talented, powerful ladies like Amy Poehler on Parks and Rec and Tina Fey on 30 Rock. Up All Night is no exception.
The lady half, of the relationship, Christina Applegate, goes to work. She’s a producer at a successful daytime talk show that stars Ava (Maya Rudolph). She also happens to be a pretty type-A personality that would go absolutely batshit staying at home all day. And the man-y half, Will Arnett, leaves his post as a lawyer to stay at home with the baby. It’s less gender-forced roles and more focused on these two people as individuals with different personalities and talents that lead them to work or staying at home. Can you feel the fresh air? Ahhhhh.
The legend, the dame, Maya Rudolph. Image via hollywoodofficial.com
Christina Applegate and Will Arnett are an awesome on screen couple too. Their characters are very normal and reasonable, kind of hipster-ish, but the kind of hipsterism (that’s the worst word in the world btw) that exists in mid 30s folk who still have a yearning to be cool burning in them but they have a kid and jobs and responsibilities and shit.
Plus, anything with Maya Rudolph is totally worth watching. I can’t take my eyes off her. She’s brillz!!
What to expect when you’re expecting (this movie to be awful)
Speaking of men being hands-on fathers in entertainment, the movie What to Expect When You’re Expecting also spends a fair share of the film centered on a group of dads that tote their babies around parks and have a secret dad society. In this dad society, they totally own being a hands-on dad in their own way. It’s not feminized, like so many ‘stay at home dad’ movies in the past.
I am totally digging this new foray into movies and television featuring hands-on parenting by either sex. It really doesn’t matter which gender is staying at home, walking their kids, feeding them, etc., however it is nice to see some progressive jaunts into men’s men taking on the mighty task of staying home with the kids. Kudos, Hollywood!!
Charming! Here’s Rihanna on the set of her and Coldplay’s new video for “Princess of China.” Why’s she so angry all the time?! I’d like to see some photos of her on a lake, with frizzy lake hair, no makeup and a HUGE smile, ya know?
Rumour has it Lana del Rey and Marilyn Manson are an item. Also, her hair is really long. Jealsies!
Marilyn Manson is weird. Like, he STILL dresses like a 90s alternakid? I guess he’d get more ridicule for dressing like a 40 year old hipster. He feels much older than than though. Can you imagine Marilyn Manson in his 70s? He’s gonna be stoned as fuck.
But a nice George Clooney-esque suit would be a refreshing change for ol’ MM. Maybe LDR (which whenever I see LDR I think people are talking about FDR or maybe one of his relatives or a vice president or something) will whip him into shape with some Sinatra-inspired duds.
Let’s just hope this is a confusing moment in LDR’s life. Don’t be another Evan Rachel Wood, because she like drank his blood and piss and shit. I just made that up, but you never know. Some people like it supa freeky.
SO HAWT, all of 'em. Both of these dudes are just stunning beings. Image via buzznet.com
The movie is a quite a bit longer than most action movies, which was really good in terms of telling a lot of what was in the book. You can’t even catch a breathe during the film. It’s not as if it’s too busy and fast-paced, it’s that the movie goes along at a fitting pace that keeps up with the suspense.
Jennifer Lawrence was fucking rad as Katniss.
The trio of actors in The Hunger Games are definitely the hottest trio EVER. And I don’t think Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart or that other guy give any kind of shit about it either. They have always been uncomfortable with the spotlight. And I’m pretty much 100% positive they think all their fans are fucking idiots. Which makes me like them more. However, the HG kids seem like strong, solid, smart actors that can deal with the newfound fame in a witty way.
Also, it was nothing in the Twilight realm of romance. It’s there, but it’s not even the two main story lines, which were “don’t die” and “don’t mothafuckin DIE”.
The movie was pretty accurate to the book, with some minor outliers and teeny plot tweeks here.
Image via goodreads.com
One of the things about the movie that I was looking forward to was Capitol fashion. And unfortunately, I think they could have done a WAY better job. The clothes were cool, but crowd shots of the Capitol looked like an 80’s prom with better styled hair. Effie’s outfits were good. I just always imagined really structured, strong pieces with a lot more creativity put into them. If Marc Jacobs could style the next movie, Catching Fire, then we’d have some fucking fashion eye candy while, you know, our souls were being teared out by death for entertainment.
For realz. Reality TV is one of those genres that you really have know idea what kind of “creative” forces are working behind it, and this bugs me. Normal TV has writers, actors, directors, a story board, producers, etc. But reality TV is a little trickier. It’s supposed to lean a little to the documentary side of things, but that shit hit the fan after they realized alcoholics with rage issues who like to dance make reeeeeeeally good TV.
My Strange Addiction is nearly every first world problem you could ever dream of. Image via tlc.howstuffworks.com
My main problem with scripted reality shows are that they are fucking lazy. Seriously, were the big wigs over at studio xyz just super cheap fucks who didn’t want to pay for writers, directors or talented actors anymore? It’s gotta be suuuuper cheap to produce a reality show. You barely have to pay the “talent”, probably because they’re busy defecating on all the rented furniture. That shit adds up.
And forget writers! The producers probably get blasted on coke vodka redbulls and sloppily piece together ridiculous story lines, such as, “peeing on dancefloors“, “mental illness mambo” and my fave “alcoholicism is fun and not at all a serious problem!”
Image via locatetv.com
From watching hours upon hours of the Kardashians on Netflix (embarrassing, but whatevs) it is SO obvious that barely anything is spontaneous. The storylines just fit a little too perfectly, and everyone always seems to have a smirk on their painted on mugs that all but reveals “yeah, this is all bullshit. But you’d probably let Ray-J pee on you too if you had my paycheck, filthy commoner.”
Is reality TV like meth?
In terms of reality shows, I’ve gotta say those dating shows like The Bachelor, Temptation Island(T.I. is sick as fuck) and whatever the fuck Tila Tequila has been in are pretty much the rockiest rock of all bottoms. Way more rock bottom than say, My Strange Addiction. I’d gladly hang out with anyone who ate cigarette ashes and had a sexual relationship with their car over anyone who has ever been on a reality dating show. (The “Where Are They Now?” section of the MSA website is fucking platinum speckled GOLD. “Did therapy and help from friends convince Mary to stop eating cat treats and change her ways?” )
I’ve seen better turds in my toilet after a night of drinking than any Bachelor. Fuck, I could find better men on public transit. And if you’ve ever been on public transit, you know that’s a bold statement.
Also, the weightloss shows make me sad.
Yep folks, it seems as if the big, bad corporations have got this reality TV smut down to a T. Put alcoholism, mental illness and obesity on TV and you’ll be richer than all the Kardashians combined in like 5 minutes. I’ve got it! OCD Happy Hour Confessions: I Ate My Family. TLC is picking it up as I type.
Nicki Minaj. Loud, weird, split-personalitied. What’s her deal? I’m leaning off the fence with her antics and uninteresting career. Let’s give her a good look.
The Evidence
She made a name for herself by doing feature spots on lots of successful songs, namely “Monster” by Kanye West. Her part in that song is so fucking rad. She was getting “50k for a verse” when she had “no album out.” That’s pretty awesome. +5
Embarrassing and tired. Image via obama.net
Her Grammys performance was tired. The Catholic church thing has been done by Madonna, Gaga, Sinead O’Connor, etc. Not to say that only ladies growing up under Catholicism can perform using Catholic imagery and metaphors, but it’s just a tired concept. It’s boring. It’s no longer shocking or edgy to dance suggestively while criticizing Catholicism. It’s been done. A BILLION TIMES. Next! -2
The split personality thing is exhausting and a little mentally frightening. It seems like a cheap marketing ploy and a creatively busy subject. Sure, Madonna reinvents herself. But that floats along with an album. Is it too much to deal with multiple personalities on one album? Beyoncé’s Sasha Fierce was way cool, but Garth Brooks’ split personality Chris Gaines pretty much ended his career. Nicki’s personalities are hard to keep up with, especially this early on in her career. Is one personality not enough to keep Nicki Minaj’s career afloat? -3
Her style always looks as if she’s trying to out-gaga Gaga, and also like she’s just putting on crazy shit for the sake of putting on crazy shit. Musicians tend to dress a little cray though, so it’s nothing really new or specific to Nicki Minaj. Her style is just annoying. 0
Ahh, the hip hop feud. Yes. You’re coming right along, Nicki Minaj! Granted, Lil Kim probably started this one to garner press for her non-existent career. The “hip hop” feud is kind of a right of passage into the world of hip hop and beyond. If you’ve ever been to rap battles or simply listened to hip hop or rap, it’s a sort of art form lyrically speaking within the genre. Biggie and Tupac did it, 50 Cent and Ja Rule, Jay-Z and Nas, etc. So what’s wrong with the ladies getting into it? Besides, who knows how deep many of these feuds run. After what happened to Biggie and Tupac, many of these “beefs” may be mostly for publicity. Red meat kills! 0
Plastic surgery? Ugh. It’s so passé. Gaga’s got a nose and she fucking rocks. The nose job, the alleged butt implant?! WTF is that anyways? It’s hard to take people seriously and to see them as “real” when their bodies are created in a surgical room? Embrace yourself, don’t break and remake yourself. Aight? -2
Her new song with David Guetta is a definite departure from hip hop into electronic pop. But can she actually sing, or is this a bunch of auto-tune baloney? Because she sounds exactly like Rihanna in the chorus. You wouldn’t know this was Nicki Minaj until she started rapping in the short bridge. Exploring different genres is cool, but this song is kind of a bland and easy foray into pop music money. 0
Speaking of POP, Nicki just signed a deal with Pepsi to be the spokeswoman for their new product, creatively called Pop. Amazing marketing, as it’s apparent from her David Guetta collab that she will indeed be dipping a toe into the money mountain that is pop music and pop music’s endorsement deals. I foresee a lot of four-chord song variations with edgy yet radio-friendly rap spurts and an obligatory Kanye/Drake/whoever the industry tells us is “hot” collab. It’s not like this isn’t what happens on every pop music album, but as a probable genre switcher from hip hop to pop, I’d expect a little more creativity. 0
Honey, no. Image via mojosteve.blogspot.com
The Score
-2
A lot of my scoring comes from my honest inability to find anything that Nicki Minaj does interesting. Her weird outfits are nothing new, fashion forward or exciting. Her features on other people’s songs are awesome, but her album Pink Friday was only OK. And her split personalities are lame. She’s exhausting and confusing. I will be surprised if she is still around in 5 years.
2PF 