How to live fabulous when you’re broke

someday we'll be this fab.
she’s gasping at this amazing advice

Just because you’re poor doesn’t mean you can’t be fabulous. This is the shit I do to stay cool as hell without a ton of $$$$$$$$$.

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awww FUCK yeah
  1. I LOVE LOVE LOVE going out to eat. But when you’re broke-ish, that can be hard to legitimize. Let me help you, baby. When you go out to dinner, eat half of what you order, and take the other half home for a second meal. This automatically cuts your money spent on meals and food out in half. Getting a $10 burger and fries? Hey, that’s like 5 bucks a meal from an actual restaurant! And waaaaay better than McDonalds. PLUS, if you only eat half of the normally wayyyyy big portions, it’s almost like a diet. A diet of half your hamburger and half your fries. I’ve actually been able to eat like 3-4 meals out of some Chinese takeout because they REALLY give you a lot of food. It’s so fucking beautiful. But nobody likes a cheap ass, so make sure you always tip your beautiful servers.
  2. Salad bars from grocery stores are another weakness. There’s so many vegetables, cool pastas and weird yummy shit that is too hard and expensive to make at home alone. But sometimes the salad bar can get expensive. If you ditch the salad dressing, I’ve found you can save like almost 2 bucks because that shit is heavy. Also try to avoid other weirdly heavy shit like cottage cheese.
  3. Find a friend who is the same size as you. Wardrobe=DOUBLED. But if they have bad style, don’t bother. Ain’t nobody got time fo dat shit.

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    girl lemme borrow that top
  4. Cancel your gym membership and do yoga videos online. I just canceled my LA Fitness membership that was $40 a month because I fucking hate them. There are plastic surgery videos on the TVs there, contests in the bathrooms to win lipo/botox, and they even sold pizza at the LA Fitness in Midway. The energy around that place is tainted and disgusting. These free podcasts from Yogamazing are awesome and perfect for bedroom yoga. If you have enough self control to actually do them.
  5. Get a couple of friends together and throw a dinner party at home. It is SO much fucking cheaper to feed 6 people at home than out at a restaurant. Plus you can buy some ritzy shit for the price of some not-so-ritzy shit at a restaurant. Just make sure you look up a good recipe or have a friend who actually likes to cook before you ruin the foie gras.

Lindsay Lohan’s docuseries is ridiculous

photo from blog.zap2it
photo from blog.zap2it

I don’t know if any of you have been watching “Lindsay” on Oprah’s network (or streaming it illegally online bc wtf cable is stupid expensive) but it is all kinds of subdued hot mess.

The first 3 episodes are pretty boring. They deal with Lindsay getting out of rehab and trying to find an apartment in NYC. She throws a huge tantrum about having to live in a hotel and how stressful her monthlong search for an apartment has been. She even yells at her personal assistant a little! It’s a frustrating show to watch because it’s not that entertaining. But it’s hard to look away from a pretty, famous, rich girl. Why are we so interested in her? is the question running through my head the entire time I’m watching this show. It’s boring, but I can’t stop watching. Probably something about wanting people to succeed coupled with the devil inside of me waiting for her to snort lines of blow off an old Parent Trap DVD. We’re only 4 episodes in, so here’s hoping (j/k kind of)! This is what has happened so far in episodes 1-4.

Apartment hunting sucks for everyone

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Linday’s new NYC apartment.

I don’t know what it’s like to be fresh out of rehab, so I can’t judge her fully for her apartment searching meltdown. Her life coach keeps saying that stability and routine is key after rehab in order to foster a good environment in the real world for recovering addicts. Got it (baby girl should NOT have signed on for a documentary right out of rehab then, but that’s another story).

On the other hand, post-rehab stresses aside, apartment searching/house hunting is like one of the most stressful thing ANY person has to go through, regardless of socio-economic status and level of confusing fame. Watching Lindsay complain that she has to spend ANOTHER couple of days in a high end hotel room is not really something a person who lives with 2 roommates and has a specific job just to pay rent can relate to. That sounds like a fucking vacation.

Is this Absolutely Fabulous?

The parts in this show that are clearly norms in the upper class elite are hilarious for us fabulously poor fucks. Her private stripper pole workout class in episode 4 is hilarious. “It’s actually a really good workout,” she says. Her “Celebrity Health and Wellness Coach” is also fucking ridiculous. You could follow a few Pinterest boards for free that give you the same amount of sage advice as this lady.

Who the fuck is paying for her lifestyle?

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Lindsay yelling at her main personal assistant. Also, SHE DRINKS REGULAR POP??!?!

The big drama in episode 2 was Lindsay needing an advance on her docuseries check so she could get an apartment. She’s going shopping because she’s bored. SHE’S DRINKING SAN PELLEGRINO DURING THE WEEK FOR CHRISSAKE. At one point she even had two personal assistants. For what, you ask? To help her unpack and organize her apartment. It makes me feel really sad that she doesn’t even have a small group of good close friends that will help her move, but maybe rich people don’t know that helping someone move is what friends do.

But really, who is paying for this lifestyle? I know Oprah is reportedly paying her $2 million for this series. That seems like a LOT of money to a normal person, but she’ll probably blow through that in no time. Then what? She can’t show up on time anywhere, nobody will hire her (this is actually the trailer for episode 5) and she obviously hasn’t been able to keep her shit together all the other times after rehab. So why does Hollywood still keep “saving” her financially? Who decided that she HAS to have this lifestyle? What’s wrong with a really small apartment and a reasonable job for Lindsay Lohan? Sometimes I think it’s a blessing to have to work hard in life for the things you want, because watching people give her things and watching her become more unhappy in the process looks like a nightmare. There’s a lot of merit in earning shit yourself that I think a lot of famous people lose the privilege of experiencing.

Community service

The best part of the series so far is when Lindsay goes to her community service gig where she’s working with underprivileged little kids because it’s like the only time she laughs and looks actually happy. The kids are climbing on her, drawing and she’s helping them glue shit together. She looks normal and like she’s having fun being out with the masses. It can’t be good for a human being to lock themselves up anywhere. It must be hard because she’s trying to be sober, but shit. I have a lot of friends who aren’t heavy drinkers and who don’t take a lot of drugs who are cool. Those people exist. Just hang around a Whole Foods for like, 20 minutes. Weed through the dreadlocks and find a cool person.

We are now halfway through the series since it is an 8 week special. GOOD LUCK LINDZ. I hope you find a real job and can show up on time and don’t relapse. But there are still 4 episodes left so WHO KNOWS.

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In defense of Ted Mosby

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I get it. You hate Ted Mosby. His obsession with finding “the one” and confessing his love within 5 minutes of meeting any pretty girl who doesn’t have the personality of a bag of rocks is a little infuriating. His romantic style is definitely annoying to the point where many people couldn’t watch the show because they hated him so much. I used to be one of those people. But now I’m not. Right before the series finale, I must admit: I kinda like Ted Mosby. Stay with me.

  1. It is so fucking easy to be cynical. Suspiciously too easy. Ted may have had his moments of hopelessness when it came to finding love, but he never actually gave up. As stupid as it sounds, we need people like that who keep reminding us that magic could exist, if only we could just stop being pessimistic, horrible cool kids.
  2. He tried everything. I just went through the series for the first time this year after years of “ew, no.”  After a couple of seasons, a pattern of spontaneity emerged in Ted. Sure, it’s insane that he jumps the gun on any possible romantic moment that could ever be squeezed out of a crusty turd, but god dammit, the kid’s got spunk. If you ever needed someone to do something insane with, he’d probably be there with you.
  3. He’s probably a freak in bed. I said that to a friend the other day and they were begging me to stop the imagery. Whatever. Ted has slept with so many people, he’s had to have picked up some good moves. Or a couple of STIs because he slept around a LOT. Either way, All Adventurous Women Do. You do you, Ted.
  4. He’s a really good friend. He would do anything for any of his friends. Like, probably hide a dead body or not tell the police that you set your ex’s mailbox on fire. That’s respectable.
  5. He has a job. He’s probably got a savings account you could steal from when you tell him you love him and he proposes a joint checking after like a week.
  6. He’s not totally disgusting. Inside OR out, he’s a pretty alright dude if you can get past the incessant soulmate searching. But really, maybe people hate him so much because we’ve all got a little Ted Mosby living inside of us, wishing that a soulmate existed and that we would find them someday, and it would be the coolest day of our lives.

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I haven’t watched any of season 9 of How I Met Your Mother, because binge watching is so much more fun than week to week. But for those of you who are watching the final episode live tonight on TV, I hope the episode is everything you dreamed a series ending and an insanely long love saga would be.

What the fuck is Lady Gaga doing?

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Oh Gaga. I don’t know if it’s just me or if it’s a growing trend by former Little Monsters, but I have been fully uninspired by everything she’s put out related to ARTPOP. Let’s examine why the fuck she’s falling out of weird pop star grace, starting with her latest album release.

ARTPOP is a disaster

There are a handful of great songs on the album like “Aura”, “G.U.Y.”, “Venus” and “Applause”. But there are some REAL terrible things on this album, like “Jewels and Drugs” and “MANiCURE”, which both haunt the shit out of me. Sometimes I’ll just wake up with a riff from “MANiCURE” in my head and I am instantly annoyed. That song is a goddamn leper in her catalog, but she apparently loves it because she just put a part of it in her “short film” of a music video for “G.U.Y.” UGH.

The G.U.Y. ARTPOP Film

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I can’t even deal with this. It was boring! The most frustrating part is that I don’t even know why exactly. Maybe it’s because half the themes are very apparent (fallen angel, industry folks who luv money) and half the themes are WTF but not in a fun way (housewives, Andy Cohen). The fact that she is calling this a film is absurd. I hate to be the kind of fan or person that’s like “why can’t you just release a music video?” but for real girl. Has she never considered that doing something insanely simple would actually be shocking for her brand instead of constantly releasing awkward try-hard grandiosity?

Beyonce’s surprise album and music videos are what Lady Gaga’s ARTPOP should have been if she was actually on the cutting edge of the commercial music scene. ARTPOP was supposed to be a next level game-changer in pop music because that’s what she told us it was going to be. ARTPOP then had a lackluster release, AND on top of that, Beyonce released one of the most exciting pop events of all time a month after AP was supposed to blow our minds. Yikes. Ouch. One more example of LG talking herself up and not being able to deliver. And then this ARTPOP “film” release? Girl, if you’re gonna release something and call it a film, plz make sure it’s actually a film and not just a bunch of pretty ideas that you puked onto a dream board and call cinema.

More than ANYTHING, it just really pisses me off watching rich musicians bitch about the music industry. POOR YOU WITH ALL YOUR MONEY AND NOTORIETY AND FAME. I’m an independent artist and it’s a struggle, but it’s even more infuriating watching big time stars complain about all the people who work for them. I don’t fucking care one bit about the specific woes of famous rich people because life and art are hard for everyone, but not everyone has the world stage and power that they do. While every other artist and person mostly has to worry about paying rent or putting food on the table, Lady Gaga is complaining to the world that her record label wanted her to put out better music and how dare they question her genius. EYE. ROLL.

Lady Gaga’s music isn’t that great

tumblr_static_artpop_promo_003Her visuals are always fantastic, but she straight up doesn’t make interesting music. I’m not saying it’s bad because I really like some of her shit. It is standard in the culture of pop music albums to have a few songs that are killer as fuck, and then the rest of the album is full of B-sides. But the fact that she talks herself up so much, talked ARTPOP up to be this fucking grandiose marriage of ART + POP only sets herself up for more criticism because she can never deliver.

Every time I feel let down by what Lady Gaga claims to be and what she actually is, I think to myself (and out loud nearly every Saturday morning to my roommate) what is she such a great artist at? Really? Sure, she dresses in weird outfits and is a really, really great live performer. But if you just take the recorded albums which she claims is her main raison d’être, they are fucking infuriating. Here’s why:

  • Gaga’s music isn’t that weird or interesting. If you’re gonna sit there in a fucking teflon-inspired mock duck hammock skirt and tell us for like 5 years that you’re the weirdest and best bitch on the block, then fucking deliver. “MANiCURE” is one of the worst songs I’ve heard in my entire life. The second half of The Fame is terrible. Her country-inspired songs, her weird foray into show tune-esque songs like “Hair” and her embarrassing attempts to mix rock and EDM like “Electric Chapel” on Born This Way are all amazing examples of the grandiose mediocrity I’ve begun to associate with her.
  • All of Gaga’s albums have a few good pop songs, but so does every other pop album that has ever been released throughout the history of manIt’s no secret that huge pop genre releases have historically spent most of their money on the couple of big hit singles, leaving the rest of the album to sound like the producer had only 20 minutes in between jerking off and eating a boring sandwich to compose a track (for reference, any of Britney’s first few albums, Backstreet Boys, Xtina, Shakira, Rihanna, One Direction, etc). Gaga’s “other” songs aren’t that bad, but they’re not as great as she would have us believe.
  • Quotes like this about her latest album: “To make ARTPOP there must be an exchange between two auras: one from the sphere of ART, and the other from the sphere of POP.” Bitch what are you even talking about. This isn’t even a question of her being on another intellectual level and the masses having a hard time understanding. This shit just doesn’t make sense. Like, thanks for the definition of a compound word. America really needed that explanation.

Her obsession with the fashion and performance art world

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You know what, it’s great that she likes fashion and performance art so much, honestly. But when she spends so much time in those worlds, she neglects her “first passion”–music. It’s like, that’s nice honey. You go scream in a forest. You do you. And then come back and be our Mother Monster plz.

It’s really neat that she’s modeling in a campaign for Versace, and that she hung out with Marina Abromivic and learned some performance art shit. But what she doesn’t realize is that all of that other malarky is negatively affecting her music career because she’s not spending the time on it that she used to (The Fame Monster was brilliant. Where that brilliance at?). And also, don’t continually ask or expect your music fans to be super engaged with all of your mediums. Please please please express yourself in any way you see fit, but pop music fans are pretty much just lookin’ for some feel good dance hits to get drunk to from people who describe themselves as pop stars. I’m not saying that no pop star can change the game, but there have to be less seemingly desperate ways to do so.

Katy Perry vs. Lady Gaga

from fanpop.com
from fanpop.com

It was a really sad day when I finally had to admit to myself that Katy Perry is a far superior pop star to Lady Gaga. LG was quoted at SXSW saying that:

“I don’t know what the f–k-all I have to do with Katy Perry. Our music is so completely different. I couldn’t be more different, really. I really don’t fit in pop music in a way, but I came through it and I’d like to think I changed it in some way so you can feel like you don’t have to fit into a mold.”

Lady Gaga’s music is different from Katy Perry’s in that on the whole, KP makes really solid pop music and Lady Gaga makes slightly less good pop music. I don’t even want to like Katy Perry, but shit, you can’t knock her pop songs because she works with solid producers and songwriters. Lady Gaga may be way more involved in the production and songwriting process, which is definitely respectable, but does she really make better pop music because of it? LG comes off as a bratty shit head most of the time who complains that people don’t get her art or that she alone is held to ridiculous standards in the world of pop music.

“I’m sorry I didn’t sell a million records the first week. I have before…..When it comes to me, everyone forgets where the music industry is now. You come see me and it’s like you’re time-warped to the 70s.”

There are so many things annoying about this, but above all it’s the fact that she’s blaming the state of the music industry on her shitty album not selling. Lame. Taylor Swift, Adele, Katy Perry, and alllll of her other contemporaries have fine album sales. And does anyone really still hold artists to album sales standards from the turn of the millennium? I know I don’t. I don’t even care. I just want a good album.

ARTPOP part deux (plz god no!)

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What is EVEN MORE frustrating than everything I’ve posted above is that the ARTPOP era is not over. She’s planning a second act to ARTPOP that might actually be good because lucky for her, expectations are already low.

All in all: yes it may be hard to live up to pop perfection standards in the music industry, but nobody is forcing you, Lady Gaga, huge millionaire and world star, to stay in that industry. Nobody is forcing you to be a shit head in interviews and talk up your art like it’s a direct line to God. Do what you want with your body, girl, but PLZ if you continue to want to be a “pop star”, put out a cohesive album that can live up to the ridiculous standards you’ve put on yourself as being some kind of ethereal high priestess of ART and POP. Us lil monsters just wanna dance to some cool tunes from you, and maybe see some cool outfits and fun videos in the process. But if you can’t handle the simplicity of that, then I don’t know where our future together lies. Breakups are tough, but time heals all.

Agree? Disagree? LEMME KNOW BELOW YO. 

Face it with @MissCooooooool: Is it worth it? Part 1

MissCooooooool

Written by makeup artist @MissCooooooool

I’ve gotten a lot of great feedback from people about my first makeup post on 20poorandfabulous and I want to extend a sincere “THANK YOU” to everyone that read it. Makes me feel warm fuzzies inside.

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There are thousands of products out there ranging from $3 at the drugstore to $75 at Sephora that claim to do the same thing. “Is it worth it?” is a question a lot of people wonder about expensive products. Even seasoned makeup-doers question if the $3 version of the $75 product will perform just as well. As many of the readers of this blog are in their 20s, poor, and trying to stay as fabulous as they can with post-grad-trying-to-pay-back-loans budgets, I’m going to be offering up some solid advice on whether certain products are worth the extra money.

This is going to be a two part blog. The first part will be devoted to makeup and the second part will cover skin care and makeup tools, including a brush-by-brush breakdown. I’ve tried everything on this list and I’ll give you my honest opinion on if you need to drop the $$$ or not.  Sit back, take notes, and enjoy.

MAKEUP.

Foundation

MAC Pro Longwear Foundation $31 at Nordstroms

Revlon ColorStay Foundation $9.98 at Walmart

worthit_pt1-01Verdict: Spend the $$$. There is a reason why it’s called “foundation.” It is the base for your whole makeup look. You’re paying for so much more than just a layer of skin colored goo. You want a product that blends with your skin, matches the coolness/warmness/neutrality of your skin tone, and covers only as much as you need it to cover, not more or less. You’re also paying money to know that once you apply it, it’s not going anywhere. I’m not saying that MAC is going to have your right foundation, but you should be willing to try a few brands to find your right product. Lancome, Urban Decay, Bobbi Brown, and MAC are some of the best foundation brands out there. Don’t worry about “what if I end up hating it?” Stores and counters will color match you, give you samples, and have a generous return policy even if you return it partially used.

Concealer

MAC Select Cover Concealer $18 at Macy’s

L’Oreal True Match Concealer $5.29 at Target

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Verdict: Spend the $$$. Much like foundation, concealer is important. You’re paying for a color that matches your skin tone perfectly, a product that corrects and covers well, and a product that will last all day. You don’t need to use concealer from the same brand as your foundation, but you do need to use a concealer that will cover target areas. Some concealers are better for dark circles, some are better for blemishes. Talk to a makeup artist at Sephora, MAC, or Bobbi Brown about what problem areas you want to conceal.

BB Cream

Urban Decay Naked BB Cream $34 at UrbanDecay.com

Garnier Skin Renew Miracle Skin Perfector B.B. Cream $12.99 at Ulta

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Verdict: Spend the $$$. As it turns out, I’m allergic to Garnier facial products, but aside from that, Urban Decay is better. In fact, it’s the best. I use BB cream in place of primer because of its added SPF. You want a BB cream that melts into the skin and provides a nice base for your foundation. The Garnier had a chalky finish that sat on my skin and messed with the finish of my foundation. No, thanks. 

Face Primer

Smashbox Photo Finish Foundation Primer $36 at Smashbox.com

Revlon PhotoReady Perfecting Primer $10.99 at Target

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Verdict: Save your $. Primer has been a mainstream makeup product for a while now and it’s pretty easy to find a primer that will work for you. You will still need to try a few if you have oily skin, but most people with “normal” skin should be just fine with a basic primer. Just keep an eye out for breakouts for the first week or two and be ready to try something new if you react poorly to a primer. 

Eye Shadow Primer

Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer Potion $20 at UrbanDecay.com

NYX High Definition Eye Shadow Base $7 at NYXcosmetics.com

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Verdict: Spend the $$$. Eyeshadow primer is a must and a good primer can turn even the cheapest shadows into workable products. There’s a reason why Urban Decay’s Primer Potion is everywhere: it’s the best out there. They have formulas that absorb oil if you are prone to oily lids. Sadly, I’m allergic to this primer and I’m still on a mission to find a good primer that doesn’t make me look like I got punched in the eye. But, my eyeshadow looked great all day before the allergic reaction! 

Finishing Powder

Urban Decay Naked Ultra Definition Loose Finishing Powder $34 at UrbanDecay.com

L’Oréal Paris True Match Super-Blendable Powder $8.99 at Target

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Verdict: Save your $. You want a finishing powder that is light and blendable. With anything powder based, you want to avoid anything chalky, as they are near impossible to blend smoothly. Drugstore powders were once upon a time cheap and chalky, but companies are now making products with better ingredients and they look really nice on the skin.

Blush

Nars Blush in Sin $30 at Sephora

Coastal Scents Forever Blush in Romantic $7.95 at CoastalScents.com

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Verdict: Save your $, but be careful. I tried two blushes in as close to the same color as I could get. I absolutely adore Nars “Sin” and I wear it everyday, but the Coastal Scents “dupe” is just as good. It is possible to find duplicate colors of high end blushes for less money that apply just as nicely. Coastal Scents, ELF, and NYX have some great blushes, but keep in mind the color payout varies from shade to shade. As with finishing powder, avoid anything cakey and chalky. 

Bronzer

MAC Bronzing Powder in Refined Matte Bronze $25 at Macy’s

Physicians Formula Magic Mosaic in Light Bronzer $13.99 at Ulta

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Verdict: Spend the $$$. Bronzers are a delicate science. Using the wrong bronzer can make your face look unnaturally tan (read: orange) or even dirty. Yep, bronzer can end up looking like dirt. Most women buy whatever shade of bronzer they find and call it a day, but there are different shades and finishes of bronzer that women should be aware of. I like MAC bronzers because they have shades that will suit every skintone. Keep in mind, some bronzers are better for all over bronzing and some are better for countouring. Ask a pro for color matching.

 Eye Shadow

Urban Decay Naked2 Palette $52 at Sephora

Coastal Scents 88 Original Palette $19.95 at CoastalScents.com

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Verdict: Spend the $$$ but you can save your $, too I guess. Buckle up for this one, because I’ve got opinions. I thought about how to compare inexpensive shadows to expensive shadows for a long time. Comparing palettes is probably the best way to show how cheap shadows are almost worth buying, but not quite. Eye shadows are easy to produce. It’s easy to make them look beautiful and colorful in the package, but it’s all about what they do on your eyelids that matters. Companies like Coastal Scents that produce giant palettes are wonderful and terrible at the same time. They have palettes that boast 88 colors for $19.95, which sounds like a great deal compared to spending $52 for 12 colors from Urban Decay. But of those 88 colors, you might get some/mostly chalky shadows, and maybe 20 will have true color payout and then you only get a dime sized amount of them. What is color payout? Color payout means the color in the pan is the color that you get when you apply it. A good primer can make those shadows workable, but you’ll end up needing to layer a lot of the product to get the look you want and that means you’ll go through it faster. With palettes like the UD Naked brand, you are guaranteed full color payout from every single color without needing to layer and you get a generous amount of each shadow. I guess what I’m saying is yeah, you can make a cheap eye shadow look good, but you’re gonna work for it. You might be better off spending a little more money to get a better over all value.

Eye Liner – Liquid/Gel

Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Liquid Eye Liner in Black $20 at Sephora

Rimmel Glam Eyes Precise Design Liquid Eyeliner in Black $5.79 at Walgreens

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Verdict: Save your $, unless you want a wide variety of colors. I love a sleek winged liner. It’s mod, glam, rock n roll, sexy, demure, and sophisticated all at the same time. Rimmel’s liner was actually really great. The brush made precise lines and it lasted all day and night. ELF has a great gel liner if you don’t like using liquid. Look for a liner that will give you a precision brush or felt tip and will give you a true black color. The only downside to drugstore liquid liners is if you’re looking for other colors, especially bright colors, you won’t find much other than black, brown, and navy. Stila has them all beat with delicious colors like cobalt, periwinkle, purple, emerald, fuchsia, grey, white, and brown.

Eye Liner – Pencil

Urban Decay 24/7 Glide-On Eye Pencil in Perversion $20 at UrbanDecay.com

CoverGirl Queen Collection Vivid Impact Eyeliner Pencil in Midnight $8.99 at Walgreens

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Verdict: Save your $ for a simple black or brown liner, unless you want funky colors. If you just need a simple black or dark brown liner, go with CoverGirl on this one. I was super impressed with how pigmented it was and how long it lasted. I’ve been into bright liner lately, and Urban Decay can’t be beat with their 40 color options. When they say 24/7, they mean it!

Mascara

Dior “Diorshow” Mascara in Black $25 at Nordstrom

L’Oreal Voluminous Mascara in Black $5.89 at Target

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Verdict: Save your $. I was very unimpressed by the Diorshow mascara, so much so that I returned it. For almost five times the price of my usual mascara, it was pretty disappointing, which is surprising because most women rave about Diorshow. I go through so much mascara that spending anything above $10 is stupid. It’s a product that you should be replacing every 2 months. There are some great drugstore mascaras out there. Maybelline Great Lash and Falsies are ones that you should check out, too.

Lipstick

MAC Lipstick in Japanese Maple $16 at Macy’s

Revlon Colorburst Lipstick in Soft Nude $6.99 at Target

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Verdict: Oh man, I can’t decide. Spend the $$$ and save your $…? It depends on what color you have in mind. The Revlon Colorburst line has been discontinued which made me so angry. Their Soft Nude color was the perfect nude and the only true nude color for fair skin that I’ve seen at drugstores. Why is it so hard to get a nude color that isn’t a mid-toned brown at the drugstore? I actually took the Revlon Soft Nude to MAC before I ran out to get a duplicate, which led me to Japanese Maple. If you have a specific color in mind, head to the makeup counter where you can try on a bunch of colors before you buy (and have the makeup artists disinfect the lipstick before you apply it.) You’re taking a chance when you buy a drugstore lip color but that doesn’t mean they’re not good colors.

Next up: I’ll be comparing drugstore to high end skin care products and makeup-ing tools. I’ll be going through makeup brushes, from powder brushes to eyeliner brushes. Thanks for reading, you beautiful faces, you!

Tweet me @MissCooooooool (that’s 8 Os) with any makeup questions!

7 Questions in Heaven with Illab

7 Questions Illab

I first met Illab (government name Jake Stone)  in 2007. I was living with four other people in a complete shithole apartment in the Marcy Park neighborhood during my sophomore year of college. We threw parties three nights a week and let people ash their cigarettes wherever because it didn’t matter/fuck the man/19 year olds are disgusting excuses for human beings. Anyways, two of the people I shared rent with were high school friends of Illab’s. Many a cold winter night we found ourselves drunk off of Karkov and kitchen dancing to the musical stylings of Britney Spears’ “Blackout”. It was fuckin’ magical.

I still remember standing in the kitchen and talking to Illab about what I think was his first ever EP The Ramen Cookbook. My first thought was “that title makes me hungry, what’s 4 dinner” and my second thought was “that’s really cool he makes music”. Years later, Illab has still been stomping ground at rap battles and on his own releases Spare Change and It’s All Been Said Beforethe latter of which was produced by Dimitry Killstorm, who’s album Whittier Alliance with Hapduzn was a huge hit in 2013. Illab’s latest album, Good Life, Life’s Good, Worth Living is coming out this year, so I decided I better ask him some fun questions before he gets so famous that Kanye offers to watch his cute ass dog while he’s on a world tour.

1. How long have you been spittin’ mad game and sonically blowin’ up minds?

First of all the way you word these questions amazing. I started rapping when I was 15. It started with just dumb freestyles, and evolved into recording. I actually still record with the first person I ever worked with, my friend Tim Rodine. We recorded on a five dollar mic, and a program my friend stole from a juvenile work house. Over the years we’ve built quite the studio. I also came up in the wake of 8 Mile.  My friends still text me to this day when they are watching it. For the record I think Eminem lost to Lotto in the 2nd round.  At that time everywhere I would go people wanted to battle. I just happened to be better at it than most of them.
Without getting too off topic I feel I had a very “traditional” introduction to hip hop.  Nowadays I feel it’s straight to making videos, and recording which is also making the younger generation more talented, they have access to a lot more outlets.  These kids coming out are  so damn polished. This will make me feel old but back then it was more [about] who could freestyle, and we would shut whole house parties up while battling.
Long story short, [it’s been] a little over ten years. I’ve only been decent for the past 3 years. Kind of got sidetracked.

2. If a rainforest animal could describe the spirit of your music, which animal would it be and why?

I think 90 percent of rappers would be like “I’m a tiger yo,” then do one of those cute lil rapper noises that makes them appear tough. I’m going to have to go with a Howler Monkey.  They are known for their deep calls that they do. I’ve been told that my voice is my strongest attribute musically. I would agree with that. Some people will say I’m dope, some will say average,  some may even say I’m weak. One thing thats for sure is you can definitely tell it’s me on a song by my voice. My spirit animal is a Howler monkey. Repping it.

ILLAB OF THA JUNGLE

3. You have a new album coming out. Take us on a short stroll through the album.

I do have a album coming out. Fun fact: I actually finished this album a year and a half ago. Then I moved my friend out to LA. We had lunch on the Santa Monica pier where I saw Lenny Hoops, a street corner performer who seemed to be scaring the tourists. But damn, dude was putting his soul into it.  No audience, just belting original songs about random topics. Here I was acting bitter about music; it wasn’t fun anymore. I made the decision to scrap my whole album at that moment. Music needs to be something I enjoy otherwise I have no business rapping.  Started over [and] Good Life, Life’s Good, Worth Living came from that. In my opinion it’s my best work by far. It’s a taste of projects to come. I got a lot of my friends on the album so that makes me happy.

4. If  you were struck by lightning, what song would you want playing during the ambulance ride?

MGMT-Electric Feel.

First off when something bad happens I try to make light of it. I wanted to keep it modern, otherwise it would be that one song where they chant “it’s electric”. I dig this song alot though. Good vibes, flashing lights, drugs, and surrounded by strangers.  Sounds like plenty of parties I’ve been to.

5. Your dog is so fucking cute. Do you have any plans to sample his bark? If not, can we collab on a song where we sample dog barks and become the coolest people alive?

Can I start this out by saying my dog is the shit. I love that dude, my whole day is planned around making sure he is good. Up until our recent twitter conversation I had no plans to sample his bark. I definitely want to be one of the coolest people on earth. If sampling his bark and doing a song with you will make that happen, let’s run game.  We could even ask Existing Trend to get in the mix with his dogs as well. The sky’s the limit really.

dog

6. We met because you used to party at my house in 2007 when all I played was Britney’s “Blackout” album. Who is your favorite female pop star and why?

And for the rest of my life I will always associate Britney and iPod boomboxes with you. I’d give anything to live one of those weekends again. So much fun. Right now I’m really digging Lana Del Rey. That’s probably the cool thing to say, but I love her voice and her slight hint of sarcasm in the songs she writes. If I have to pick from the elite female pop singers it would be Beyonce or Rihanna. They are both amazing performers. It says something about a artist when you can feel their energy through a tv screen. Locally my favorite pop group is yours, DENNIS. Over the years I feel like I’ve watched you find your identity when it comes to music, and it will be fun to watch where it takes you. (editor’s note: thank u and BRB blushing 4 ever)

7. Who is your greatest non-musical inspiration to your art and why?

I can’t pick one so all of my friends and family. By far. I consider myself very fortunate to be surrounded by these people in my life. My siblings all have beautiful familes, I have a wide variety of friends that come from all walks of life. I’ve watched people battle cancer, poverty, troubled childhoods, and still smile. They are a bunch of goddamn soldiers to be honest. Most of these people have no clue how amazing they are. 90 percent of what I write is inspired by them in some way, shape or form. I strive to mirror the company that I keep when speaking about being a good human.

Fashion: Dreamin’ spring style at our fave hooker spot Forever 21

I’m obsessed with Forever 21. I am so not 21, but I still shop there bc it’s a great store to add fresh, hooker chic pieces to your thrift store wardrobe. Even though there’s still a ton of snow ruining our lives, spring fashion is comin’ lil babies. It’s hard to believe, I know. The snow is getting dangerously brown, the crunch of your dirty snow boots is starting to drive you insane and everybody’s pale skin has hit that almost green tint that makes you wanna puke. Plus, NO MORE SWEATERS PLZ. So why not forget about all of that for a minute and dream about all the cheap ass fabulous clothes we’re gonna spill mojitos on instead? skirt

Favorite Scuba-Knit Skirt, $12.80

I bought 3 of these. They are super flattering, comfortable and the exact material that you wish you were wearing right now but winter is FORCING YOU TO DROWN IN ITCHY KNITS. (More like bitchy knits, amirite?)

croptop

Big City Crop Top, $10.80

This crop top is hilarious. Every time I shop at Forever 21, I laugh because some of the shit there is so insane and I HAVE to buy it. It’s nice to wear some pieces that make you laugh a little because that’s what life is all about. Also my style philosophy is to look chic with an splash of “that bitch might have a switchblade”. This crop top is perfect for that look.

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Darling Skater Dress, $11.80

This dress looks flattering as hell. I can picture it now: Cute dress, too many whiskeys, throwing up at the bar with runny eyeliner on a first date. YES PLEASE.

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Marvel Comics Mini Skirt, $13.80

If you’re trying to woo a huge nerd who would freak out over a Marvel Comics skirt, here ya go. But don’t buy clothes JUST to woo nerds who love nerd shit. They may have good chips in their game den, but do they have a good heart in their love den? (Maybe u never know who is a piece of gold hiding behind a stereotype)

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Fresh Satin Varsity Jacket, $29.80

This jacket says “I wear brass knuckles”. So hot.

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F1888 Heart-shaped Sunglasses, $7.80

It’s nice to wear something sweet like this before you steal someone’s wallet on a rooftop happy hour. The perfect crime!

Face It with @MissCooooooool: Makeup tips for hot people who hate New Years Resolutions

MissCooooooool

Written by makeup artist @MissCooooooool

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This is not a list of resolutions.

I know. The new year started weeks ago. But it’s OK because this is NOT a list of resolutions.

There seems to be this collective sentiment that making resolutions is for the birds. That people who resolve to lose weight, be nice, complain less, and be more awesome at the start of the year will fall off the wagon by February. Sure, most people who make resolutions will not keep up with them, but personally I think that’s a symptom of society’s collective resistance to real change and growth (don’t get me started.) Goals are awesome. Taking a stance against making resolutions because it seems to be what everyone on your Twitter feed is doing is lame, but it seems to be how a lot of you feel so I’ll compromise.

I’ve made a list of beauty things that we as a collective makeup-loving group of beautiful people will NOT do in 2014. They are not-resolutions. It’s easy to follow because all you have to do is NOT do them. How’s that for a compromise, you Resolution-Grinches?

1. WE WILL NOT HAVE DIRTY FACES.

This is number one for a reason. I know too many bitties that don’t wash their faces daily and it hurts me. It breaks my heart. Do not go to bed wearing makeup. Do not forget to wash your face even if you didn’t wear makeup that day. Even if you didn’t wear makeup, the environment has been all up on your face. Wash that gunk off. I don’t care if it’s 4AM and you’ve been out drinking all night and all you want to do is fall asleep on your bathroom floor. Take 5 minutes to wash off that winged eyeliner. Your hungover self will feel that much better about life when you wake up with clean skin.

wash yo face. it's 2014. image from zimbio.com
wash yo face. it’s 2014. image from zimbio.com

2. WE WILL NOT FORGET TO MOISTURIZE.

Start and end your day by moisturizing your skin. And for the love of all that is good in this world, do not use your body lotion on your face. Buy a FACIAL moisturizer. The skin on your face and the skin on your body is very, very different; it must be treated as such. Moisturized skin not only looks better, but feels better, and will hold up better against aging in the long run. Makeup will look much better on well moisturized skin. Moisturized skin is oh so sexy. Imagine you’re a guy and you’re going in to kiss a girl, but you get distracted by the GIANT FLAKES OF DRY SKIN ON HER FACE. Mood killer.

3. WE WILL NOT GO OUT WITHOUT SPF.

Don’t ignore what dermatologists have been telling us about skin cancer and aging effects of the sun. Skin cancer is very real and trust me, having someone cut a chunk out of your skin is not a fun way to spend a day. Plus, fair skin is in, people! A cloudy winter day does not mean that you can get away without putting SPF on your face. There are tons of makeup products and moisturizers that come with SPF in them. My BB cream has SPF 35 and my foundation has SPF 10. Going to the beach? (Lulz, it’s January. I’ve forgotten what a beach looks like.) Goop on at least SPF 30 on your whole body.  And don’t even get me started on tanning beds. I’d rather have my pale skin be wrinkle free in my 40s than attempt to get a tan in my 20s. I’m Irish. I don’t tan and I’ve embraced it.

idiot. image via realclubresorts.com
idiot. image via realclubresorts.com

4. WE WILL NOT AVOID WASHING OUR MAKEUP BRUSHES.

Don’t go more than a week without washing your makeup brushes. Go to MAC, get their brush cleaner, and pick a day each week to thoroughly wash your brushes. Brushes perform better when they’re clean. Your brushes will last longer overall. I have brushes that are going strong after 5 years because I take great care of them. But the real reason you should be cleaning your brushes weekly is bacteria. You might as well apply your foundation with that nasty dish sponge you’ve been neglecting to throw out if you skip washing your makeup brushes. That shit’s gross.

5. WE WILL STOP TOUCHING, PICKING AT, SCRATCHING, AND MUCKING UP OUR FACES.

Don’t pick at your skin. I shouldn’t even have to explain why you shouldn’t. Just don’t. Your hands are gross, they touch gross things all day long. Keep them off your face. Wash your hands before you touch your face. Actually, just wash your hands all the time. It’s just good practice for, you know, avoiding illness and stuff. But it’s also super important for keeping your skin clear and happy. While I’m at it, wipe down your nasty cell phone and change your pillow cases weekly, at least. And as a side note: if you value your fingers in their unbroken state, don’t touch my face or anyone else’s for that matter.

this chick is nearing climax because she doesn't pick at her skin. AND YOU COULD TOO. image via sassisamblog.com
this chick is nearing climax because she doesn’t pick at her skin. AND YOU COULD TOO. image via sassisamblog.com

6. WE WILL NOT KEEP OUR MAKEUP IN THE BATHROOM.

This is a top peeve of mine. A friend of mine kept her makeup on top of her toilet, less than a foot away from where people took shits. Take a moment to think about that. Yuck. The bathroom is a wet, warm place. You know what likes all that steamy air more than you do? Bacteria. You might as well throw a bacteria party in your eyeshadows and gel eyeliners. Steam also breaks down makeup a lot faster than it would normally. Keep your makeup in your bedroom, away from the toilet and away from the steam.

7. WE WILL NOT BE AFRAID TO TRY BOLD LOOKS.

I first tried purple eyeshadow in 6th grade. But all the catty bitches in school were not having it (I saw you bitties whispering about me.) I didn’t care what they had to say, it looked fucking awesome. You want to try blue eyeshadow? I can show you some great looks with electric blue and teal. My next adventure is going to be colored eyebrows, specifically purple eyebrows. (Stanley Tucci in Catching Fire has it goin’ on!) Wear that orange lipstick with pride because you look great. I know some of you might be a bit gun shy with new looks, so I’ll do a post on how to balance bright and bold so you end up looking fierce and not like a clown.

SO HOT
SO HOT image via lovethispic.com

 8. WE WILL NOT FUCK UP OUR EYEBROWS.

Look in the mirror. Do your eyebrows resemble a textbook drawing of sperm? You’ve overplucked. Can you barely see your eyebrows? You need to seek help. Did you shave your eyebrows and get them tattooed on? Stop reading because you are too far gone and I can’t help you. I always recommend that girls find a really good eyebrow waxer/threader and have them shape their brows and then just pluck the strays as they come in to keep a nice shape. Even if your brows are a good shape, don’t underestimate the power of an eyebrow pencil. Well groomed brows can transform your face for the better. I could go on and on about eyebrows so I’ll be doing a post on brows very soon.

Don't end up like this poor dog. image via tumblr
Don’t end up like this poor dog. image via tumblr

9. WE WILL NOT FEEL UGLY.

It kills me when women (and even men) say they look and feel ugly. As cliché as it is to say this, everyone is beautiful. My years of practice with makeup and beauty has lead me to notice and really see everyone’s unique beauty. My goal is to teach people how to use makeup to play up what they have, bring out their specialness, not to adhere to society’s “standards of beauty.” You cannot look like her just like she cannot look like you, so why are you comparing yourself to her? Own your own look. I want to help people shine in their own way.

7 Questions in Heaven with Christopher Michael Jensen

7 Questions CMJ

Meet Christopher Michael Jensen, a Twin Cities rapper here to tell you about his favorite three male-named actor, his musical evolution and the grossest thing that’s ever happened to him on a stage.

1. Why did you start making music?

I started really getting into hip hop when I was 13 back in 2000 around the time Napster first came out and my 17-year-old brother was playing a lot of hip hop around me. He was kind of doing some silly rap stuff with his friends, and then I just kind of started writing silly rap stuff, too, just for fun, I guess. Then my brother installed this music program on our family’s computer called ACID that his friend had where you could make beats with pre-existing loop packages. Once I started messing around with that, I started recording songs with our home computer mic. I rapped in front of people for the first time live when I was in 8th grade at my brother’s SnoDaze high school talent show with him and his friends. I just sort of stuck with it, and after a couple years started taking it more seriously. I made a handful of homemade albums. This whole time, too, I just kept digging more and more into hip hop with my brother, buying and downloading all of the classic albums, exploring the underground, going to shows, and learning about the history of the culture. I just became obsessed with it more and more as time went on, so it only made sense that that would become my main thing. It allowed me to express anything I wanted to, so that was really big for me. It seemed like you could do anything with the sound of the music and beats, too, which felt really freeing and exciting to me. The possibilities with hip hop I thought were limitless.

2. If you could be any other three male named celebrity (Johnathan Taylor Thomas, Neil Patrick Harris, etc.), who would it be and why?

Hmmm. I actually Googled three-named male celebrities because I couldn’t think of a lot off the top of my head. Then I came across James Earl Jones and Billy Dee Williams. Star Wars is probably my favorite movie series of all time, so it seems only fitting that I should probably be one of them. Lando Calrissian’s cool, but Darth Vader is sort of the most epic villain of all time, so maybe James Earl Jones. On the other hand, Lando ended up being the one responsible for destroying the second Death Star, which in turn saved most of the main iconic characters from getting blown up on Endor’s second moon, so I would be a pretty big hero in the mythology of Star Wars if I was Billy Dee Williams. Then again, Vader killed Emperor Palpatine, which ended the Galactic Empire, so maybe that was a bigger deal. Alright, James Earl Jones. Yeah, let’s go with him.

james earl jones

3. Describe the music scene where you live.

There’s constantly something going on in the music scene in the Twin Cities. If you want to, you can almost always go to a show somewhere every night of the week. The amount of rappers and artists here is ridiculous, too. It’s crazy, because I just happened to be from the same city that has such a rich hip hop history and is really, really renowned all over the country, and even the world, for it’s great hip hop. Atmosphere, Brother Ali, Eyedea, Doomtree, and others really blazed a trail for independent hip hop, and so now this town is sort of a mecca for it. What’s interesting is I think a lot of people who do rap in the scene kind of got into hip hop because of discovering sort of this “alternative” hip hop that Minneapolis is so known for kind of putting on the map, but I was already rapping before I even knew who Atmosphere and Rhymesayers were, so I already had it in my mind that I wanted to be a rapper. Where I was geographically was just lucky. I worked on music and performed at like talent shows and school events throughout high school, but it wasn’t until I graduated from the University of Minnesota in 2009 that I was really like “okay, now I can focus all of my attention on really getting out there in the actual scene and doing music full time.” By that point, I was 22 so I knew I had to start busting my ass to make as many connections as possible and really figure out what networking and doing shows in the scene was all about. The first few people I met in the local scene I learned a lot from in terms of kind of how a show is put together, how promotion works, etc. I used to go to a lot of open mics, too. Once I sort of got plugged in a little bit, I spent as much time trying to put all the pieces together. At the end of the summer of 2011 is when I really fell in with a group of people that were extremely passionate about just living hip hop 24/7, hanging out and freestyling, partying with other artists, going to shows together, and it was that family dynamic I found in the music scene that literally changed my whole life. The community in this scene, or at least pockets of it, are really like a family. I’ve seen some ugliness in the scene, too, but any negative experiences I have come across are far outweighed by the tremendous energy that exists in the Twin Cities hip hop scene to just have fun, connect, and make amazing things happen – there’s truly nothing like it. Virtually all of my friends these days are in this community and that has made a tremendous difference in my day to day life. Not to sound pretentious, but I actually have a hard time explaining it to people who are on the outside and don’t live in this world. It’s very, very unique. Hip hop and just music and art in general are like the core of what bind us all together, so we all share that common factor. It’s beautiful.

4. Who is the one artist dead or alive you would want to feature on a track?

eminem

There’s a lot of people I love and admire in not just hip hop, but all genres of music. But if I had to pick just one, it would probably be Eminem because he’s my favorite emcee of all time, starting way back from when I first started rapping. I spent years scouring the Internet to literally get MP3’s of every song he ever made or did a guest appearance on, and there’s a LOT of those. I dissected his lyricism and rhymes more than any other rapper growing up, and that’s saying something since I pride myself on the expansiveness of my music library. He is a master rap technician with just an unbelievable ability with words, rhyme patterns, and flows. Plus there’s just so many angles of him as an artist that I love: the darkness, the sense of humor, the ability to make songs with so many different kinds of emotions, the anger, the weirdness…I just adore Eminem. For him to leave the kind of mark he has on hip hop and culture in general is something that I really aspire to do myself in my own way.

5. I know as an artist your favorite song probably changes a lot. But if you had to pick, which of your songs is your favorite right in this moment and why?

We’re talking about my own songs, right? Probably “Tie-Dye Sky.” That’s the one that’s gotten the most attention from people it seems like, and the one that’s been the most visible. That track has a really interesting beat produced by Megan Hamilton that speeds up as it progresses, and then sort of slows down again later, and that’s actually pretty uncommon for a rap song to change tempo like that, so it’s unique in that way. Lyrically, I was able to do a lot of cool things with it in terms of flows and rhyming, and it covers a lot of different feelings and emotions, so it sort of encapsulates a bunch of things about me and my life. It also has a chorus I really like where I get to sing, which is something I like to do a lot in my music in addition to just rapping all the time. I know a lot of people who have been really moved and inspired by that track and its message, too, so that’s really touching to me. I couldn’t be prouder of that whole song honestly, and the video I made for it with Elliot Malcolm blew me away when I first saw the final cut of it. Very dear to me, indeed.

6. What is one common theme throughout your lyrical content?

Trying to find happiness in life when faced with so much depression and feelings of loneliness. Being your own person and really trying to follow your dreams and making them a reality despite the odds and not settling for less than that. That’s something that’s been in my raps pretty much since the beginning, mainly because I try to infuse my own feelings and life experiences into my music a lot of the time, and that’s something I’ve had to wrestle with internally for years and years.

7. What’s the grossest thing that’s ever happened during a live show?

I can’t think of anything TOO gross, but you know what’s just gross in general? Tonsil rocks. You know, those white particles that form in the back of your throat that sometimes you cough up? If you smear them they have like THE most putrid smell, too. There’s been a few times where I’ve been rapping during shows and I get kind of dehydrated and those things get spit up in my mouth and it’s nasty. So there you go. 🙂

5 reasons the polar vortex is the best thing to happen to winter

polar-vortex-cold-weather-USA-11

I am LOVING the polar vortex. Do nothing and eat a bunch? I didn’t know it was so cold in HEAVEN. Here’s why I’m having the time of my life.

1. Lay in bed and watch Netflix ALL DAY

Are you kidding me? Is this my birthday, Christmas, AND Halloween combined? Check it: Lay in bed, wear whatever crazy combination of sweaters, hot pants and fun socks your heart desires. Throw on a tiara if you want. Paint your face up like Heath Ledger in that Batman movie (I know it’s the Dark Knight u shoulda seen ur face) or like Gaga in her “Applause” video. Scare your roommates with said faces, and then after a good stabbing laugh, invite them into the living room for an afternoon of Netflix. Pick the most disgusting guilty pleasure shows that have ever existed to man and watch them, like Bridalplasty or The Swan. Or maybe you like really good things and don’t waste your time watching the worst humans alive compete for plastic surgery (u suck but whatever). I hear Breaking Bad is good. Also MELROSE PLACE has all the murder, love triangles and personality disorders you could EVER dream of.

You’ve been gifted HAVING to stay indoors under blankets and watch TV. Don’t fuck it up by doing anything else, like productive shit. PRAISE BE TO ARCTICA, GOD OF POLAR WINDS, UNLIMITED STREAMING AND EARLY BED TIMES.

2. Eat whatever you want images

It’s a polar vortex outside! Are you kidding me! High temperatures are in the high -10s! YOU EAT THAT FROZEN PIZZA. You eat it good, and eat it by yourself. After that, eat a bag of chips. Then ice cream. Then an apple because you should eat one healthy thing at least sometimes. But most importantly eat whatever you want because you might need those calories when your ’03 Ford Taurus hits black ice on the highway and sends you careening over the side of a bridge only to be caught in the strong and sexy limbs of a frozen tree. Yes you’re STRANDED  in a car, stuck in a tree, and even though you’ve survived a harrowing once-in-a-lifetime experience, your dad is still gonna KILL YOU for playing Candy Crush while driving. But at least you ate enough pizza and chips beforehand to be able to survive falling off a bridge in a car and being saved by a tree. You’ll be a Facebook star for like 5 hours (suck it, people with cute kids)!!  Pretty sure that’s called living the dream.

3. FUR

Um, if there’s any time to bust out that fur coat your politically incorrect yet fabulously stylish grandmother gave you before she moved into some old person orgy center in Florida, it’s now. I don’t care what that vegan says on Facebook (why are you facebook friends with a vegan). WERK DAT FUR OR DIE A BITING DEATH IN THE FRIGID ELEMENTS.

you could look THIS fabulous in the polar vortex. you kno you wanna
you could look THIS fabulous in the polar vortex. you kno you wanna. GAGA YAAAAAS

4. Social obligations are nil

You know what? You DON’T have to go to your ex-roommate’s new roommate’s boyfriend’s free rock show tonight. Maybe your car battery seriously isn’t working, or maybe it is buuuuuuut there’s no need to push it. Maybe it’s too cold out to find parking and then walk 5 blocks in the hip part of town for drinks because frostbite really DOES set in after 5 minutes! Maybe you’re an alien working for a galactic organization hell bent on taking over Earth and the subzero temperatures don’t affect you. But who’s to say you don’t deserve a couple of quiet nights in? YOU DESERVE IT.

Guilt-free stay-ins? THANKS POLAR VORTEX!!!!

5. Bonding time

The polar vortex is a GREAT way for some extra bonding time with your roommates. Get to know the person who smells your shit in the morning a little better. Do they like Katy Perry? Do they “get” performance art? Have they ever murdered anyone on purpose? Who did they vote for in the last People’s Choice Awards? Throw a pizza in the oven, pop a stale 40, and open up those floodgates, baby.

this is you during the winter vortex. you've never looked happier.
this is you during the winter vortex. you’ve never looked happier.

THANKS POLAR VORTEX!!!