As we’ve gotten older, birthday celebrations have obviously changed from Mom packing classroom snacks to getting waaay too drunk with people you don’t hate. No longer do we gift cups of dirt to our classmates (extra gummy worms for your BFF and the boy who chased you at recess DUH). Instead, we go out to dinner, throw crazy house parties, or go bar hopping. (fuck party buses. gross.)
With the help of Facebook and its inherent self indulgent methods of updating your cousins, aunts, and old math class partners about your mixed feelings regarding the latest Toyota commercial, I have noticed a disturbing trend related to birthdays:
YOU GUYS IT’S MY BIRTHDAY WEEK!!!!
What. The. Fuck. NO.
I’ve even seen ” IT’S MY BIRTHDAY MONTH” posts. Not joking. So terrifying. Like sleepy children in nightgowns walking the streets from Hocus Pocus level of terrifying.
*Cue Twilight Zone music*
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONTH PRESENT TO ME”
Maybe it’s just a symptom of the new-ish social media age. By now in 2013, everyone is so used to incessantly updating their followers about their day-to-day lives that perhaps it’s par for the course to think everyone would ALSO enjoy spending an entire week celebrating their
hideous glorious birth. But really, it’s just self indulgent as fuck and everybody knows it–except for the Birthday Unstable.
Here are some people who are annoyed about the emergence of the Birthday Week celebration:
“Oh my god, no one likes birthday weeks except for the birthday person. Personally, I find them extremely annoying. I wouldn’t even want to celebrate my own birthday for a solid week — WAY too self-indulgent. Makes me uncomfortable.” -Anonymous IRL friend
“You get one day.” -Both of my roommates
“I’d like to celebrate birthday hour, or birthday minute.” -My friend who fucking hates birthdays
And here are some tweets from the type of people who support celebrating birthday weeks:
Don’t get me wrong–it is absolutely wonderful to celebrate the birthdays of friends and family. These are the people who fill our lives with joy and love, who make us laugh when we’re depressed and who buy us candy bars on the fly just cuz. It’s a good thing to celebrate a birthday, because it gives us the opportunity to show our friends and fam just how meaningful and important they are in our lives. It’s one designated day of the year, that everyone gets equally and allows us all time to express a little “Hey, you rock so fucking hard. I love you. Please accept this baby kitty collage as a token of my love and appreciation.”
But that’s gotta be it, man. One day. A Birth Day. Not a week. Jesus doesn’t even get a week and he like, invented unicorns or something. And holy shit, absolutely NOT an entire birthday month.
I’ve devised this helpful chart to guide us and the Birthday Unstable through the accepted durational options of celebrating a birthday:
Birthday Celebration = Happy Birthday Lovely Human Who Understands Time and Society, Who Respects Others
Birthday Weekend Celebrations = Happy Birthday Person Who Hopefully Only Expects Me To Attend One Event
BIRTHDAY UNSTABLE ZONE
Birthday Week Celebrations = Happy Birthday But This Is Not Cute At All, Not One Bit
Birthday Month Celebrations = Bitch R U INSANE
Birthday Year Celebrations = *guttural sounds due to crippling shock and a swallowed tongue from debilitating rage*
Thankfully, none of my close friends are socially diagnosed as Birthday Unstable. Maybe together, us sane human beings with a grasp on functioning society and who interact with those suffering from Unstable Birthday Syndrome, can band together and encourage just one special day of birth celebration–for everyone.