Fashion: Dreamin’ spring style at our fave hooker spot Forever 21

I’m obsessed with Forever 21. I am so not 21, but I still shop there bc it’s a great store to add fresh, hooker chic pieces to your thrift store wardrobe. Even though there’s still a ton of snow ruining our lives, spring fashion is comin’ lil babies. It’s hard to believe, I know. The snow is getting dangerously brown, the crunch of your dirty snow boots is starting to drive you insane and everybody’s pale skin has hit that almost green tint that makes you wanna puke. Plus, NO MORE SWEATERS PLZ. So why not forget about all of that for a minute and dream about all the cheap ass fabulous clothes we’re gonna spill mojitos on instead? skirt

Favorite Scuba-Knit Skirt, $12.80

I bought 3 of these. They are super flattering, comfortable and the exact material that you wish you were wearing right now but winter is FORCING YOU TO DROWN IN ITCHY KNITS. (More like bitchy knits, amirite?)

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Big City Crop Top, $10.80

This crop top is hilarious. Every time I shop at Forever 21, I laugh because some of the shit there is so insane and I HAVE to buy it. It’s nice to wear some pieces that make you laugh a little because that’s what life is all about. Also my style philosophy is to look chic with an splash of “that bitch might have a switchblade”. This crop top is perfect for that look.

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Darling Skater Dress, $11.80

This dress looks flattering as hell. I can picture it now: Cute dress, too many whiskeys, throwing up at the bar with runny eyeliner on a first date. YES PLEASE.

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Marvel Comics Mini Skirt, $13.80

If you’re trying to woo a huge nerd who would freak out over a Marvel Comics skirt, here ya go. But don’t buy clothes JUST to woo nerds who love nerd shit. They may have good chips in their game den, but do they have a good heart in their love den? (Maybe u never know who is a piece of gold hiding behind a stereotype)

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Fresh Satin Varsity Jacket, $29.80

This jacket says “I wear brass knuckles”. So hot.

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F1888 Heart-shaped Sunglasses, $7.80

It’s nice to wear something sweet like this before you steal someone’s wallet on a rooftop happy hour. The perfect crime!

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Fashion: Shopping for work clothing nightmare

We all love shopping. It’s euphoric. It’s new, fresh and exciting.

Except for when I was shopping for work clothes for my new job. (yay!) I was absolutely appalled at what I found. Here’s the story.

Going to the local mall in my hometown (mistake number 1), I decided to check out some stores that would probably have pants and slacks that are appropriate for work. My only reasonable choices were Macy’s, Express and New York and Company.

Macy’s

Let me start off by saying that Macy’s has gone so much downhill. I thought Macy’s was supposed to be a NICE department store. Instead there were literally letters falling down from designer sections in the store, broken displays everywhere and the worst, outdated and cheapest bathrooms I’ve seen in a very long time. I don’t know what they’re thinking. Who wants to buy Chanel perfume out of a rundown glass case? Gross!

They have some okay, albeit it way overpriced shit. So I got some stuff on sale. At least their clothes aren’t as shitty as the next two places I went.

"Johnson, I'm sorry but you didn't get the promotion." "But why sir?" "Well, it's your butt crack. It's always showing. And frankly, the board is not pleased." Image via haneswinereview.com

Express

My next stop was Express. I had bought professional pant attire from Express before. However, this time I was shocked at the cheap quality and selection of pants. First, they had low-rise “editor” pants. Who the fuck in their right mind needs a low-rise work pant? Buttcrack Professionals of America? Second, the material was some stretchy, polyester-y blend of whatever they make clothes out of at Maurices. Disgusting. On top of it all, they charge $70 for one pair. I’d rather eat 70 one dollar bills than spend them on those pants.

Also, have their designers met human bodies before? Women aren’t packing penicular heat, so all the extra crotch space is kind of unnecessary.

New York and Company

As I strolled out of Express horrified, I thought I’d look in New York and Company because I had never been in there before. Their clothing looks kind of professional in a boring, white lady republican sort of way. But pants are pants, I thought. To my complete non-surprise, these clothes were in worse condition than anything in Express and even more expensive. Shitty zippers, seams a-mess everywhere I looked. So I ran and never looked back.

These ankle-length pants from H&M fit amazingly and are perfect for work-and spring! Plus they are around $15. Fo real. Image via hm.com

It’s outrageous that these places charge  THAT much for their shitty products. It’s no surprise everything in our malls comes from Asia. We know small asian people are working all day for the price of one gas station coffee. And that in itself is another topic. The shitty clothes are not their fault. It’s these terrible companies that charge WAY too much for their clothes, when the people making their clothes aren’t getting paid anything.

At least at Forever 21 and H&M, pretty much the two cheapest places a girl can look fly, we aren’t vastly overpaying to some asshole company. We know what we’re getting at Forever 21. Yeah, the zippers may not work all the time but hey, at the very least they are aware of their shitty products and charge accordingly.

I ended up finding everything I needed at H&M that was way cheaper and better quality than anything at Express and especially New York and Company.

Moral of the story: Don’t shop at those overpriced places. Tell your richer friends and moms to not shop at those places if they are unaware or blind. Because you might as well get the exact same or better things at H&M than overpay at Express or the travesty to the state of New York’s name that is New York and Company.