Netflix Nightcap: Heaven

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Image via movie-gazette.com

Cate Blanchett is a goddess. She’s such a great actress. On top of that, she picks amazing subject material to act in. One of my favorite Cate Blanchett films is Notes on a Scandal. Watch it. It is awesome. Dame Judi Dench is the fucking BEST.

Anyways, Starved for anything worth watching on Netflix instant (which is pretty rare because they have some pret-ty bad shit on there. Like film grad with rich parents and no life experience bad) I chose a Cate Blanchett filmio called Heaven. 

The movie centers around a woman who is involved in a solo ‘terroristic’ bombing to kill a man that is involved in drug and prostitution somehow connected to school children and the police. But instead, the bomb kills 4 innocent people, landing her in jail and another plot to kill the principle target.

Giovani Ribisi is the policeman interpreter/recorder who falls in love with her and helps her plot the death of a man and her eventual escape.

"You have decent hair. Murderer, I say!" Image via time.com

One funny part about the entire premise of the movie is that the Italian Carabinieris are totally corrupt (like drugs and teen/child prostitution corrupt), incompetent and just all around jerkheads. Except Giovani Ribisi, the dark Italian knight! So at least after watching the movie, you can understand how Amanda Knox could have gotten totally fucked over in jail for 4 years for a crime that had evidence against her being guilty. But I guess the police force didn’t feel like working too hard today, or even adding up the facts! Note to self: Do NOT fuck up in Italy.

I normally LOVE anything CB is in, but this movie is just ok. It is suspenseful and then it’s not, and could have understandably ended a couple times throughout the last 30 minutes of the movie. However, her roots get crazy dark while she’s in jail, so she has this super blond hair with dark dark roots. If I’m saying her dark roots were a high point for me in the movie, you can deduce yourself if this is worth watching. The end is pretty hilarious in a not-supposed-to-be-hilarious sort of way. Maybe just skip to that!

Dating: Scary movies are dating GOLD

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This could be you. But like 10 years older and with more booze and touching involved. Image via nick.com

Can I get a hell yeah for scary movies?!

Can you think of a better film genre to watch on a date than a scary movie? Think about it: After the first jumpy part, you’ll squeeze in close together. At this point, you can definitely smell his/her cologne/perfume. Yum.

Then, at every jumpy or scary part, you can grab and hold each other through the horror that is developing on the screen. After all the hacking, zombie brain-eating, apocalyptic kerfuffle, you’ll both feel like you truly experienced something special together.

You should also be drinking wine/cocktails throughout the entire scary movie. This needs no explanation.

At the end of the movie, you two will feel buzzed, both by the liquor and the jarring experience of seeing people die horrible deaths. It really is romantic.

Netflix nightcap: Happily Ever After (Ils Se Marierent et Eurent Beaucoup D’Enfants)

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They get into crazy food fights that symbolize their connection, although part of the connection appears to be in danger. Image via toutlecine.com

Ils Se Marierent et Eurent Beaucoup D’Enfants

Happily Ever After (Ils Se Marierent et Eurent Beaucoup D’Enfants) is a movie about a couple and their thoughts and actions about love, marriage and affairs. The English title is actually a lame translation, but this happens often during translated movie titles. The French translation is roughly along the lines of “They Married and Had Many Children” which could be interpreted as their childish actions in regards to their relationship, love and commitment.

Image via wikimedia

The premise of the story is a married couple with a child who both have thoughts of infidelity. Stereotypically, the men in the film pine over women that are equally as desirable as their wives who they are annoyingly bored with. The men come off as weak, child-like creatures who want new, shiny toys to fuck up their lives with.

The female perspective on affairs and cheating is more contemplative. I don’t know if it’s because this is a true portrayal of a woman straying or if it’s kind of another stereotype in cheating. But then again, maybe the path to affairs is unique depending on gender. Dudes seem to go for it, without much thought, and women seem to really think about it before taking the leap.

The couple obviously loves each other, but for some reason there has been a disconnect somewhere don the line that has them both thinking of other lovers.

I really liked the movie though. It’s sometimes hard to watch infidelity in film, because it’s something I don’t understand. However, I’ve been watching a few films that deal with the subject to understand it more, like the film Last Night. Straying in a relationship or a marriage is a lot more complex than writing any individual off as a total jerkface. After all, we are all single human beings with a unique life and unique desires. Who are we to really judge someone else’s relationship and choices?

I love Charlotte Gainsbourg. She has this look in her eyes whenever she casts a sideways glance that would make you believe she is looking through different dimensions. Just amazing.

It’s in French with subtitles, and I definitely recommend it.

PS let’s learn French!!!! I’m a little bit of a francophile. They seem so fabulously salty and stylish. My fave combination.

On the fence: Jennifer Lopez

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Image via hfwww.fanpop.com

“I’m still I’m still Jenny from the block. Now, go get my fucking Evian and warm it to exactly 72 degrees. Then lightly spray in on my breadless sandwich, and stand 32 degrees away from me facing east. It’s best for digestion, peasant.” –Not an actual quote from Jennifer Lopez

Image via imdb.com

I’ve been on the fence with J-Lo ever since her movie with Ben Affleck totally ruined my life. Remember reading Gigli over and over and pronouncing it “giggly” and then being forever confused for the rest of your life? Thanks J-Lo, you dick.

In all seriousness, there’s a lot of cool and not so cool things about Jenny from the huge-fucking-mansion-in-the-gated-community (new song?). Let’s examine.

The Evidence

The tagline for the movie Gigli is: “The violent story about how a criminal lesbian, a tough-guy hit-man with a heart of gold, and a retarded man came to be best friends through a hostage.” And you’re telling me that movie was a flop? GET OUT! It actually sounds kind of genius. Like, Tropic Thunder genius. I bet someone went full retard. I hear you’re not supposed to do that. Gigli makes me miss the days where Hollywood could literally produce pieces of excrement and not even care if they were successful. I say, kudos to J-Lo for picking a movie with that tagline. +1

She totally changed Ben Affleck into a suity kind of bourgeois guy that we know he is not. He’s a Boston-y dude who likes beards and plaid. Plus, we shouldn’t change our significant others so dramatically. Getting them to do the dishes or cut down on cigarettes is way different than making them dress and act different. Boo! Maybe Benny was into it, but seeing as the wedding never happened and he’s back to beards and plaid, I’d say Jenny had a firm wrist in that relationship.

-3

She’s known for being a diva, but who isn’t? 0

Holla at a girl! I LOVED On the 6 when I was in middle school. That shit was my jam. Image via virginmedia.com

You can’t deny this bitch knows how to make some BANK. Celebrity clothing lines/perfumes (no matter how trashy) make a lot of money. Just look at Jessica Simpson and her billion dollar empire. J-Lo’s music career kind of revived itself with her clubby hit “On the Floor.” And who can forget her *amazing* acting career. She’s a stahhhh, so she gets s set amount of dough before each movie. That’s why you never see her in indie flicks. And lastly, her stint on American Idol, where pop stars kind of go to die. Right, Paula? Anyways, you can’t deny she is a successful and powerful lady who deserves the recognition for making a shit ton of moolah. +5

She picks really, really terrible movies to be in. -4

With the exception of Selena. +3

“On the 6” was fucking awesome. +3

She’s always handled her tabloid drama well. Divorces, marriages, rumors, etc. She’s got the media down. +5

Jenny represents her latino/a heritage well for an American born lady. It’s good to have a powerful woman around, not to mention a great, hot, successful latina running a bunch of shit. Good for her. +5

J-Lo got her start on In Living Color as a fly girl, which is probably the coolest start to a career anyone could ever have. +2

Image via people.com

She wasn’t born with a silver spoon in her future silver spoon-y mouth. +1

She’s known for not drinking alcohol or taking any drugs. Which sounds boring (who doesn’t love a cocktail?!) but have you seen her? She looks amazing. Pretty much like 20 years haven’t gone by. Yeah she probably has some sweet-ass creams that are a million dollars an ounce. But her genetics and lifestyle also come into play. Jealz! +2

The Score

20
Omg, I think I like J-Lo. Not enough to buy her latest music (yet), but enough to play On the 6 while putting eyeliner on. Plus, she was a fly girl. Nuff said.

Watch out iTunes, Google Play is gonna steal yo biz

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Inneresting!

My Google homepage recently revealed a new tab (or I just now noticed it): Google Play. Here at Google Play, you can buy music, books, movies and Android apps. Oh, no iPhone apps you say?! Shocking!

This will seriously only be interesting to me and probably a lot of other people if this creates some competition for the pricey shit over at the iTunes store. Because really, if we stopped renting movies from actual video stores for $3.99, what makes anyone think we’re going to ‘rent’ a 24-hour digital copy for that much?!

Sherlock Holmes investigates: The stolen platform. Image via zdnet.co.uk

They need to lower their shit to Redbox prices. I think people would rather drive to Redbox and spend $1.29 on a movie than rent one for $3.99 at either iTunes or Google Play. Especially since there is barely any overhead cost in renting a movie online. It’s just downloading. At least with Redbox we get the actual video, and can keep it for longer than 24 hours (once we start watching it. iTunes has some pretty sophisticated rulez) with an extra charge (the beauty being that the extra charge is within our power, and we’re all power hungry mofos who love being in control). iTunes telling us we have 30 days to begin the movie and then 24 hours after that to watch the movie is bogus and self-harmworthy. It causes our brains to melt in judgmental disgust anyways from A) watching something presumably dumber than rocks that was made in Hollywood and B) vastly overpaying for it.

It’s no surprise people want the fuck out of our money, but come on. Sell it to us cheap and we’ll buy it. Otherwise that shit gonn’ get stolen. That’s what capitalism is, right?!

Television: “Up All Night” and hands-on dads are blowing up in Hollywood

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Image via nbc.com

Up All Night is a refreshingly progressive show. In the day and age of old, crusty white men hating on the womenz, NBC totally has their shit together with talented, powerful ladies like Amy Poehler on Parks and Rec and Tina Fey on 30 Rock. Up All Night is no exception.

The lady half, of the relationship, Christina Applegate, goes to work. She’s a producer at a successful daytime talk show that stars Ava (Maya Rudolph). She also happens to be a pretty type-A personality that would go absolutely batshit staying at home all day. And the man-y half, Will Arnett, leaves his post as a lawyer to stay at home with the baby. It’s less gender-forced roles and more focused on these two people as individuals with different personalities and talents that lead them to work or staying at home. Can you feel the fresh air? Ahhhhh.

The legend, the dame, Maya Rudolph. Image via hollywoodofficial.com

Christina Applegate and Will Arnett are an awesome on screen couple too. Their characters are very normal and reasonable, kind of hipster-ish, but the kind of hipsterism (that’s the worst word in the world btw) that exists in mid 30s folk who still have a yearning to be cool burning in them but they have a kid and jobs and responsibilities and shit.

Plus, anything with Maya Rudolph is totally worth watching. I can’t take my eyes off her. She’s brillz!!

What to expect when you’re expecting (this movie to be awful)

Speaking of men being hands-on fathers in entertainment, the movie What to Expect When You’re Expecting also spends a fair share of the film centered on a group of dads that tote their babies around parks and have a secret dad society. In this dad society, they totally own being a hands-on dad in their own way. It’s not feminized, like so many ‘stay at home dad’ movies in the past.

I am totally digging this new foray into movies and television featuring hands-on parenting by either sex. It really doesn’t matter which gender is staying at home, walking their kids, feeding them, etc., however it is nice to see some progressive jaunts into men’s men taking on the mighty task of staying home with the kids. Kudos, Hollywood!!

Movies: The Hunger Games is BALLIN’

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 The Hunger Games movie was AWESOME.

SO HAWT, all of 'em. Both of these dudes are just stunning beings. Image via buzznet.com

The movie is a quite a bit longer than most action movies, which was really good in terms of telling a lot of what was in the book. You can’t even catch a breathe during the film. It’s not as if it’s too busy and fast-paced, it’s that the movie goes along at a fitting pace that keeps up with the suspense.

Jennifer Lawrence was fucking rad as Katniss.

The trio of actors in The Hunger Games are definitely the hottest trio EVER. And I don’t think Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart or that other guy give any kind of shit about it either. They have always been uncomfortable with the spotlight. And I’m pretty much 100% positive they think all their fans are fucking idiots. Which makes me like them more. However, the HG kids seem like strong, solid, smart actors that can deal with the newfound fame in a witty way.

Also, it was nothing in the Twilight realm of romance. It’s there, but it’s not even the two main story lines, which were “don’t die” and “don’t mothafuckin DIE”.

The movie was pretty accurate to the book, with some minor outliers and teeny plot tweeks here.

Image via goodreads.com

One of the things about the movie that I was looking forward to was Capitol fashion. And unfortunately, I think they could have done a WAY better job. The clothes were cool, but crowd shots of the Capitol looked like an 80’s prom with better styled hair. Effie’s outfits were good. I just always imagined really structured, strong pieces with a lot more creativity put into them. If Marc Jacobs could style the next movie, Catching Fire, then we’d have some fucking fashion eye candy while, you know, our souls were being teared out by death for entertainment.

Netflix nightcap: The Boy in the Striped Pajamas

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Image via allmoviephoto.com

The Boy in the Striped Pajamas is a film about Nazis and the Holocaust from the perspective of a little boy. He and his family move away to “the country” so the father, a Nazi soldier can be in charge of a concentration camp. The little boy, Bruno, gets bored at their new home and takes off to the country and for exploring. He runs into a strange “farm” where people wear striped pajamas and act peculiar. He meets a little boy on the other side of the fence, wearing those funny striped pajamas, and befriends him.

The storyline is a unique one in terms of Holocaust films, as the story mostly flows from a child’s thought process and confusion about the Holocaust. It’s interesting to view all of this through a child’s perspective, as young Bruno was lonely and met a nice friend, albeit on the more unfortunate side of the fence.

The thought that anyone, let alone confused, sweet children were killed in the Holocaust (or in any genocide) is just soul-crushing. Image via ncowie.wordpress.com

The movie is in English, which confused me at first because it was British English, so I thought they were British Nazis for the longest time. Languages and accents can be confusing in movies if the subject matter doesn’t pertain to a specific language. But yeah, they are German.

It’s a touching film that opens up a realm of thought focused on what children on both sides of the fence understood and didn’t understand about what was happening throughout Nazi Germany. It makes you think about your curiosity and confusion about certain things as a child as you put yourself in these little boys mindsets about death, imprisonment and friendship. Definitely a good movie.

Oh, and Lupin from Harry Potter plays the Nazi dad. It’s always fun to spot a Harry Potter actor!

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Netflix nightcap: Young Adult

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Image via filmequals.com

I’ve seen Young Adult twice now. Once in theaters with a friend and once with my brother. Both viewings held an equal amount of “Oh God” around every awkward, warped turn.

Charlize Theron plays Mavis Gray, a young adult novel ghost writer living in the “big city” of Minneapolis, MN. She goes home to try and take back her old high school/college boyfriend who, by the by, is married and just had an infant. Everything Mavis does you will find yourself exclaiming “What the fuck!” “Oh no” and “Oh My GOD.” It sounds outrageous, but believable at the same time. Depression, alcoholism and loneliness wrapped into husband stealing, hometown fun. Goody!

Don't be this person. Image via thegloss.com

Charlize Theron’s performance is amazing. She does these really subtle facial expressions that in one second give off entire rooms inside this character’s complex yet simple personality. Patton Oswalt is awesome, depending on if you like Patton Oswalt. I love him. He seems like the kind of guy you can have belly laughs with around a bon fire, and then go watch a John Hughes movie. And Patrick Wilson is great too, not to mention supa fine.

This movie is definitely worth your time. Yes there are awkward moments, and yes you cringe like every 5 minutes. But it’s a great character study and a flashing red warning of how NOT to act when you go back home, no matter what you think you had with someone a decade before.

And FYI, nobody beyond the age of 40 would ever refer to Minneapolis as the “Mini Apple.” I heard it once in middle school and it was just as lame then as it is now.

Countdown to the Hunger Games

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Welcome, citizens of Panem to the official countdown to this year’s Hunger Games.

Central standard time: 3.5 days and counting to the midnight commencement.

May the ticket and seating arrangement odds be ever in your favor.

Image via themoviebanter.com