Dating: No ifs, ands, or buds

YUP. Image via sheknows.com

You know when you’re flirting with someone, and you’re pretty sure it’s going well? Or when someone is flirting with you, and you can tell they think it’s going well even though you’re like “aw hell nah”? It’s a relatable feeling around the globe. But one thing that is never, EVER acceptable during this human mating ritual that is flirting, is calling someone bud.

Hear me out. I had an ex once, who, after we broke up, started calling me bud. What am I, the dirty kid across the street that drinks all your milk and eats all your snacks after a rousing game of Mario Kart? I don’t fucking think so.

He called her bud. Then they did a bunch of meth. Do you want that for your life? fark.com

Or, like today, when my roommate came home and told me quite an unfortunate story of a grad student attempting to flirt with her by calling her bud. Since when is calling someone bud a good idea? Really. Newsflash for the Boys in Crisis of America: if you want to get laid, do not ever call a girl bud. There is nothing sexy, exciting, or “I bet he has a full time job and a great dick” about the use of the word bud. 

Here are some tips for when to use the word bud:

  1. If you’ve ever orgasmed inside/on someone, do not call them bud.
  2. If you ever plan on orgasming inside/on someone, do not call them bud.
  3. Even if you are pretty sure it won’t work out, but something about the American dream has forced you to believe in attaining the impossible, do not call her bud.
  4. “Hey girl, you wanna smoke this bud?” Okay, this is fine.

See, it’s really not that hard: if you wanna get laid, offer her marijuana and for the love of god, do not call her bud. SEACREST OUT.

 

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Dating: Scary movies are dating GOLD

This could be you. But like 10 years older and with more booze and touching involved. Image via nick.com

Can I get a hell yeah for scary movies?!

Can you think of a better film genre to watch on a date than a scary movie? Think about it: After the first jumpy part, you’ll squeeze in close together. At this point, you can definitely smell his/her cologne/perfume. Yum.

Then, at every jumpy or scary part, you can grab and hold each other through the horror that is developing on the screen. After all the hacking, zombie brain-eating, apocalyptic kerfuffle, you’ll both feel like you truly experienced something special together.

You should also be drinking wine/cocktails throughout the entire scary movie. This needs no explanation.

At the end of the movie, you two will feel buzzed, both by the liquor and the jarring experience of seeing people die horrible deaths. It really is romantic.