Television: The Mindy Project

Image via fox.com

At first I was not that interested in The Mindy Project, because I’m one of those bitches that judges a book by its cover. The name of this show screams reality competition for people named Mindy. It would be filled with people who have frivolous pill addictions, leave their husbands for a middle aged guy with frosted tips, and dream to someday be on the cover of People Magazine. Also, the idea of ANOTHER medical show (In The Mindy Project, Mindy is a doctor. Doctor office hijinks ensue)? Good god. I’d rather get a yeast infection in my butt. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of Mindy Kaling and all of her wonderful work as a writer on The Office when it was still good. But going purely off the title of the show and the premise, I was definitely underwhelmed. And I was totally wrong.

Mindy, in the show, is obsessed with romantic comedies. She’s a little like her character Kelly from the Office: obsessed with pop culture, girly things and a little nutty about dating. But this time she’s a doctor. She’s got her professional life together, but she just WANTS A HOT, GOOD DATE GOD DAMMIT that turns into the love of a lifetime. And shit gurl, we all know how hard that is to find. The Hugh Grant we want IRL is not the Hugh Grant that actually exists IRL. Sometimes charming, cute, successful dudes like transvestite prostitutes. These are the days of our lives.

Image via wetpaint.com

After watching the first episode, I have to admit that there is something endearing about a successful woman like Mindy’s character Mindy who, despite society and everyone she knows saying “ROMANTIC COMEDIES ARE NOT REAL LIFE, IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN,” is still hoping for that special meet cute with the perfect man. I have friends like that. I’d like to think that even in the deepest, darkest shell of a human being, there still lies hope for the greatest meet cute of all time. It’s something that lies in all of us, despite our moments, weeks, months or even years of relationship cynicism. We all want our lobster.

Anyways, the show is a funny and light-hearted take on girls obsessed with finding that perfect meet cute followed by a lifetime of happiness. You watch the show “knowing” it won’t happen, but kind of hoping it does, just like real life! Besides, after you watch the first episode and hear her drunkenly yelling “I’M SANDRA BULLOCK!!” and then getting arrested, you’ll be into it. Plus, Mindy Kaling is writing and starring in this show. What’s up with all these talented hunnies getting tv shows (Yo Lena)?! So fucking cool. At least Hollywood is doing something right with TV.

If you’re not watching “Damages” you need to seriously reevaluate your Netflix subscription

Image via collider.com

Remember the days of “oohs!” and “aahs!” when it came to your Netflix instant queue? I HAVE to watch that. I heard the juxtaposition of post-modernity and consumerism coupled with Brad Pitt’s abs will scintillate both mind and loins. A cinematic mung bean fricassee for all! Well my friends, those days are long gone. No longer are we met with endless upon endless films that systematically wet our mind, body and soul. Because you’ve either already seen it, re-watched it a couple times (Arrested Development never gets old) or can’t get through the first 5 minutes of some British TV show that’s supposed to be funny, but just ends up being the poor man’s version of the 2012 London Olympic opening ceremony.

More or less a summary of the 2012 Olympic Opening ceremony. Gif via media.photobucket.com

Among all the terrible, horrible, good-for-nothing things on Netflix, there remains a couple gems that may have slipped under your radar. One of them is Damages

Here are three things I’ve learned so far from watching season 1 of Damages and why you should definitely be watching:

  1. What I find most appealing and thought provoking is that every single character solidifies the idea that there is no inherent good or bad in this world. And god damn is it refreshing. It never gives in to a society-at-large that wishes with all its Christmas spirit that cut-and-dried, good and evil truly exist. Instead, Damages exposes us to the cold hard fact that we live in a spectral continuum of being a huge dick or being pretty cool. In other words: Black and White, meet 50 billion shades of self-righteous gray.
  2. Glenn Close. GLENN CLOSE. When I was little and exposed to her in the live-action version 101 Dalmatians, I was like “that lady is MEAN!” and I didn’t care much for her. As I am older and a bit wiser, I realize what an uninformed jerk I was at 7. She is a phenomenal actress, and is the absolute anchor of this series in one of the best roles ever written on television.  Her portrayal of Patty Hewes has you questioning EVERYTHING about anything, whether it be character motives on the show, things in your own life, or why your stoned friend is eyeing the fuck out of your dessert.
  3. Trust no one. Is it a product of living in an untrustworthy society, or is it a dramatic, Hollywood interpretation of wading through the waters of Société Elite? Probably both. All I know is that if you have to ask someone if they can be trusted, they’re probably going to end up killing you right before they eat a mediocre sandwich. The more you know!

Aw fuck it: “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” looks awesome

Oh my god. YES. Just yes. This is honestly the best picture I’ve ever seen on the internet. There’s just so much truth and depth. Image via baffomette.tumblr.com

THERE ARE SUBTITLES ON ALL OF THEIR WORDS. YOU GUYS. IS THIS GOLD?

Honey Boo Boo Child and fam. literally cannot be trusted to be understood on national television, in their own country and in their native language. You know it’s gonna be good. In a “holy shit, I’m going back to school and never eating high fructose corn syrup again” sort of way. Maybe this is just what America needs to boost our economy and push people to be better. We can only hope.

Plus, I’m sure there are going to be SO many good memes and drinking/drugging games to this show. For example, the drinking game could go like this:

  • you see something unhealthy? take a drink
  • someone is reading a book? meth
  • someone is watching tv doing nothing? down a gin martini
  • you can understand syntax? heroin to the eyeball
  • a misguided and incorrect statement about anything pertaining to societ? 1 shot
  • you see a vegetable? animal sacrifice

You get the gist. There is a multitude of entertainment that will spawn from this show. Yes it’s fucking absurd, but maybe it will inspire us and even the hardcore reality fans to go “Ok, that’s enough. No more reality tv.” Orrrr maybe it will be the cataclysmic beast that descends from the gates of Walmart Hell to rot our brains and make us gain a second neck-chin. (my fourth biggest fear) Only time will tell kids, only time will tell.

Olympics: What the fuck NBC!!!

Image via extratv.com

NBC is SO dropping the ball with the Olympics coverage of London 2012.

First of all, why would they want to impede ANYONE from seeing the beauty that is the olympic athletes? Good lord, those men and women are supa fine. Ryan Lochte, however mundane yet innocent his twitter feed may be, is one good lookin’ piece of gold medal history. And the swimmers! Ye Shiwen just broke a world record AND was faster than all the boys, all at 16! (Of course now there are doping allegations. But fuck that until it’s proven bitches, cuz ladies rule and boys are slow)

Second, the Olympics are a world game. It’s supposed to be a global celebration of sport that we can all enjoy and root for our countries. But how are we supposed to do that when NBC has the absolute worst producers ever? I don’t wanna watch Jeopardy Kids in the middle of the day. Where are the game reruns bitches?! Thanks to not being able to mold my schedule to the shitty NBC scheduling of the Olympics, I missed women’s gymnastics which is THE SHIT. Who knows how many countless people are feeling the same strife.

I bet they use Internet Explorer over at NBC. Figures. Image via fitperez.com

Now, you’d think “Hey, it’s the age of the internet! They must be live streaming and uploading videos of the games to rewatch constantly!” NOPE. In an attempt to show my friend the AWFUL London opening ceremony, I was aghast. The footage was nowhere to be found. Not on NBC’s website and not in any pages I could find in the days following the ceremony.But lo and behold, Beijing’s was on NBC’s website. Thank God, because that’s fucking relevant!

On top of that, you have to have a specific cable subscription to live stream on the internet. Is NBC in such bad shape that they can’t afford to live stream the Olympics?  Would they not make more money from running live streaming internet ads? Who dropped the ball on this?! It’s 2012 for God sakes. You can watch your neighbor jerk off on a webcam, but for some ungodly reason you can’t find good Olympic coverage on the internet. SO. LAME.

Let’s hope another big network gets the games next time, because this is excruciating. Feel free to voice annoyances over at their lackluster twitter!

Television: “Bored to Death” movie?

 

Um, YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE. We could all use some more Jonathan Ames & co. You can never have enough Ted Danson/Zach Galifianakis sidekick action. NEVER!!!!! Plus, the love between these three male friends is such a unique take on male friendships in general. It really shows that dudes aren’t just obsessed with pussy or trying to fight some ugly dudes over chicks that don’t care 24/7. Unlike Entourage, ew. Those guys are grade A beef farts.

Bored to Death Could Continue as HBO TV Movie – Hollywood Reporter.

Television: Ok, is this seriously a show? Bunheads. It’s called Bunheads.

Screengrab from thesuperficial.com

Bunheads. Is. The. Name. Of. This. Show.

Are you kidding me. OBVIOUSLY this is a summer schedule show on ABC Family, and it is called BunheadsIf I wasn’t gagging at the sight of “ABC Family” already, I’d definitely be gagging at this entire premise.

Lemme guess every single plot line:

  • Boyfriend trouble because practice is so tough and grueling. Also, boyfriend is a huge piece of shit.
  •  Grades are slipping because practice is so hard
  •  Pressure from mom and dad to get into a good school but practice is hard it’s eating up all the time
  •  Anorexia/bulimia problems cuz bunheads gotsta be skinny
  • Some kind of drug/alcohol overly dramatic related arc that makes people who drink alcohol look like Satan
  •  Aaand a rivalry between two girls (or a group) to better reinforce for the generations to come that nobody can get along, and women should be pitted against each other for all eternity until the gates of hell explode and ruin all of our silk things.
Here are a couple better show premises for Bunheads that would be 10 times better:
  • Princess Leia fanatics who have strange addictions
  • Chronicling the life and times of Jimmy Bunhead, an existentialist living in his parents’ basement
  • A reality show about Cinnabon workers and their sad, pathetic day-to-day in store and dealing with “charming” regular Cinnabon clientele
  • People who literally sit in front of the screen for 17 minutes with sticky buns taped to their heads and sing “The Cupid Shuffle”, the worst song in the entire world

Hollywood is snorting bath salts. That’s the only explanation for this. Fuck Florida, the zombie apocalypse is coming straight from LA.