Foiled yet again! Justin Timberlake NOT releasing new album

Instead of making music, Justin is playing pretend in Ken wigs in his backyard. Or something. Image via justjared.com

Just like the sands of time, rumors of a new Justin Timberlake album have resurfaced into our lives. And, just like disappointing fellatio, JT takes any hope of musical cunnilingus out of our dry, tired hands.

Come on, JT. Give the people what they want. Cornrows, amazing costumes and Timbaland-produced beats. With every passing year, the pressure and excitement grows. Which is probably annoying for him, and definitely excruciating for us. It’s like a boner that won’t ever stop, and won’t ever see a beautiful, majestic release.

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JT. Do it for all the boners in America. We are dying.

Forever Young: Sally Jesse Raphael

Image via chicagotribune.com

Remember those red framed glasses? And her AMAZING talk show? I don’t know why, but that show was my shit when I was a kid. It was too humid in Kansas summers to go outside and play anyways. She had awesome, 90s ma/grandma style that always felt kinda exciting.

As for those ICONIC red glasses, SJR spilled to Oprah a while back:

“I couldn’t see the teleprompter. So I saw an ad that said, ‘We do a Pap smear and give you red glasses.’ They were going to trade me up [to a better pair]. I said: ‘You’re not going to trade me up. I don’t have that kind of money.’ It’s all they had for $19.95.”

That makes me like her even more. Taking care of her lady parts, AND getting inexpensive (and awesome) frames. Gotta love it. Fierce bitches on a budget ain’t gotta spend big dollaz to look fresh. She’s like the true essence of  20poorandfabulous. I will be forever grateful.

Dayum! Kristen Stewart cheating pics, so much (alleged) tongue

Image via Usweekly.com

Scandalous!!!! But really? In a car? If I was followed constantly like her, it’s like almost wanting to get caught. Maybe she let him go down on her in a car to get caught and feel human, maybe come down from the millionairess-adored-by-billions-of-vampire-addicts cloud she sat on last week.

Or maybe it’s a feminist move, like “hey, women can cheat too!” Which is kinda bullshit that she’ll take more flack for this whole mess. Yes, she broke a sparkly, British vampire’s heart and is waaay more famous than this previously no name director. But Rupert Sanders has two kids and is MARRIED. That’s a lot larger of a bond to break with your dick than a girl in a relationship gettin’ it on with her clit. Truth!

Dayuuuuum he is dreamy. Sadsies all around. Image via fanpop.com

What a shitty situation for EVERYONE involved. Cheating never ends well. The cheaters always sound SO insincere when they apologize. Via People, Kristen released this statement:

“I’m deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I’ve caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry.”

And from Rupert Sanders:

“I am utterly distraught about the pain I have caused my family,” Sanders tells PEOPLE in an exclusive statement. “My beautiful wife and heavenly children are all I have in this world. I love them with all my heart. I am praying that we can get through this together.”

I think I’ll write a song called “I Love Him, I Love Him (I’m So Sorry)”. Fucking gold. But really, it’s pointless to lambast either of them because people make mistakes. However, the affair/tryst/romp in the car happened last week, so who knows if it would have gone on for longer or not. It is, however, highly unfortunate that all of this had to be dealt with in the media. It’s embarrassing for everyone involved.

And now we wait for Robert Pattinson to comment. Come on! It’s been almost a whole day! (I’m so sorry)

While you’re at it, F me on Facebook

Kristen Stewart caught cheating on Robert Pattinson, world to explode

Image via Usweekly.com

WHAT THE FUCKKKK this is amazing gossip. Who knows if it’s true or what actually happened, or if the “evidence” of them cheating isn’t just a great photographic angle. What I do know is that a bunch of tween girls, lame teens, depressing 20 somethings and scary adults will be mad at her for “breaking” Robert Pattinson’s heart. Or, in a parallel universe, they will rejoice that their prayers came true and Rpatz is finally single after what seems like decades with his Twilight co-star.

Kristen Stewart seems like a cool chick, and so does Rob. They’ve done so great with the media storm that follows them due to their multi billion dollar franchise. But now, it’s gonna get NASTY. Kristen will be labeled a badass whore with a pill/coke/whatever addiction, something a la Brit Brit and Lindsay.  And dear Robert will be celebrated as a sensitive bloke with a fragile soul that will take this situation as fuel for his movie career. Because once you get supernova big, the public loves NOTHING more to tear you down to your last shred of dignity and survival, and then when they’re ready, build you up again into a celebrity phoenix. Classic!

 

Check out the new No Doubt video!!!!

Look at that fucking skin. Awesome. Image via ryanseacrest.com

I am so excited to watch No Doubt back in action again. Strangely, it feels different and foreign to see a woman jumping around like a rock star in a music video, instead of shooting guns or spraying cream from her tits. Popular music is so full of ladies and mens trying to one up each other in crazy outfits and even crazier gossip. Gaga’s blood and semen perfume and everything she has ever worn, Katy Perry’s fantasy divorce, marriage and candy themed life, Nikki Minaj with her butt implants and multiple personalities, even Frank Ocean coming out as bi right before his debut album dropped (most definitely commendable in the hip hop scene, but also great publicity); it all gets a little exhausting to keep up with after a while. (Damn you 24 hour news cycle!)

I need a nap. Image via extraordinaryintelligence.com

Gwen and the ND boys are a refreshing departure from everyone on the radio right now, not only musically but fashionably as well. Gwen isn’t showing us her crack or tits or wearing anything too crazy. I love her tank tops and her hair back and her pants and FLATS, because could you ever imagine Lady Gaga, Katy Perry or Nikki Minaj stepping outside, let alone in a music video, without some RIDICULOUS AS FUCK outfit on? Don’t get me wrong- the crazy outfits are fun. But when everyone in the industry is doing it to constantly one up each other, is it really unique anymore?

Check out the vid below. Welcome back guys!!!!

Kristen Wiig is totally in lurve with Fabrizio Moretti

Image via usmagazine.com

I would be too, girl. Drummers have a special aura, especially curly-haired cute ones from the Strokes. Our girl KW just opened up to Marie Claire about her amazing life right now, thanks to a happy career and a happy relationship. I’m so happy for her. It’s nice to see a talented gal being happy and successful.

I’m still in my post-SNL-leaving haze of Kristen Wiig. Every time someone brings up KW, I wanna watch her last scene on SNL and cry like a baby because it was awesomely sweet and touching. But it makes me happy to know that she’s off drinking wine and doing whatever famous people do in Fab’s hip apartment in whatever neighborhood is cool in NYC right now. Hearts!

Kristen Wiig opens up about boyfriend Fabrizio Moretti: ‘I’m happier than I’ve ever been’  – NY Daily News.

The Kardashians take some weird family photos

Image via buzzfeed.com

DAYUM Kris!! Your tits are THAT on display for a family pic? On one hand, if ya got it, flaunt it. On the other, it’s a family photo, and those usually aren’t sexy. They are usually embarrassing in a totally different way than this exercise themed pic.

Rumour has it: Tom Cruise is a fucking nut

Watch out Oprah!!! Image via badadvice.typepad.com

The more details that come out about the Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise marriage contract and divorce bomb are really, really creepy. Here are some confusing and eery rumors that have come out surrounding the TomKat divorce:

  • Tom has divorced all 3 of his wives when they turned 33. 33 is connected to Scientology because the religion was founded by science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard in Phoenix, Arizona, which happens to lie on the 33rd parallel.
  • Katie Holmes reportedly got 3 million dollars for each year she was married to Tom.
  • She had to sign a 5 year marriage contract that not surprisingly ended when she was 33.
  • She’s being followed in NYC by men with guns who are suspected to be hired by Scientologists.
  • The straw that broke the camel’s marriage back is the fact that Tom Cruise wanted Suri to be a part of the Sea Org where there are reports of manual hard labor, a billion year loyalty contract and suspected forced abortion because family is discouraged as a distraction.
  • Scientologists held “auditions” for Tom Cruise wives that included Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Sofia Vergara, Penelope Cruz and Jennifer Garner.
  • He sent all his dates buttloads of chocolate and roses in cars. (Puke, I am forever aversion-ed to those things. TC must be an alien because that is some vanilla 1950s flirting right there. Regular modern folk settle for a sweet internet post)
  • A huge rumor now is that Katie Holmes and Suri walked in on David Beckham and Tom Cruise in bed together. It seems like a stretch, but HOLYFUCKINGSHIT if it’s true.
This is probably only the tip of the iceberg, which is awesome for the blogosphere.

Read 8 facts you may not know about Scientology here

Check out Tom Cruise’s explanation of being a Scientologist below. It doesn’t really make much sense. He kind of sounds like he was a confused teen/young adult who got famous, rich and needed a big crutch to help him understand his life. Evangelicals look SO fucking regular compared to this shit. Looks like TC needs to smoke some weed, join a bongo circle on a dirty beach somewhere and chill the FUCK out.

Forever Young: Andy Griffith

Image via dtvusaforum.com

The only memory I have of Andy Griffith as a child was Nick at Nite, and being kind of disappointed that cartoons weren’t on. But kids are idiots, and this show was awesome.

Rest in Peace Andy!

Image via nndb.com
Image via hamptonroads.com