Forever Young: Suri Cruise

Image via crushable.com

She will be the most fabulous tween ever. Look at her faux fur! and she’s only what, 6?! Look out Willow Smith, this gal is already a supa star, and she hasn’t even hit double digits. Love her!

Soul Sisters: Britney Spears and Honey Boo Boo

 

Image via thesuperficial.com
Image via tumblr

A young B. Spears in the making. Oh god.

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger: The birth of Chavril, the death of our souls

This is happening. Image via idolator.com

OH god. It’s like the gods of terrible music, hair and style started subsidizing meth to cupid workers in a heaven that looks like a back alley somewhere in Detroit.

You can bet your bottom dollar that these two are going to annoy the shit out of us in any way possible via reality shows, scat porn, you name it. It was reported that they have been together for 6 months, which is way too soon to know if you want to marry someone btw. Is this Chad Kroeger’s plan to finally become cool in America? Hahaha that’s so sweet. But going through Avril Lavigne is not the way to do it. Putting two of the most uncool, “seriously, who the fuck are their fans” people together is as confusing as a sex dream about a member of your extended family.

Love is love, so if it’s true to them, more power to ’em. Chavril? Oh sweet mother of god.

Taylor Swift continues her ex-boyfriend bashing on new single

How does she keep dating people?! Why is anyone dating her? She throws every ex under the bus in a hit single. Which must be an awesome feeling for her. And for us to live vicariously through a successful scorned woman singing number one hits is kind of cool. We’ve all got some people to sing this song to. But girlfriend better start making some different songs besides “You Are The Biggest Piece of Shit I’ve Ever Seen” and “I Will Literally Ruin Your Career (Joe Jonas)”.

As for the single, it’s not bad. Produced by Max Martin I expected a little more oomph, but what can you really do with a girl who needs to stay with basic instruments because of her country background? I’d like to hear an electronica version of it, because this version sound like a watery song made just for radio (duh) but that makes the song so boring. Why do radio stations love light guitar,light drums, an ok melody and an ok voice? The world may never know.

Miley Cyrus channels coolest chick in pop Robyn with new hair

Image via The Superficial

Her hair looks EXACTLY like the strands of the coolest bitch in pop, Robyn!!! I dig it. I support any former Disney star doing something else besides hair extensions and substance abuse. Kudos, Miley!

Robyn is a gift to humanity. Image via stereogum.com

Obviously, if you’ve been reading gossip rags via cell phone all day at work like everyone else in the first world, you’d know that Miley Cyrus is fucking bored. Not like a bored-because-it’s-Sunday-and-all-of-my-friends-are-hungover-bums type of bored, but a deep-seeded boredom that stems from a ridiculously rich girl who can’t find a place in the mainstream market anymore. Sadsies!

What’s going on with Miley:

  • She’s engaged to Liam Hemsworth which I can only cringe about (I’m sure he’s a great guy, but if I married the doorstop that I dated at 19… it’s too dark to even joke about) but at least she has something to plan, even if they ARE super young.
  • She’s obviously experimenting with her style.
  • Shopping.

Aaaaand that’s about it for ol’ Miley! Someone get her a indie comedy co-starring William H. Macy before she becomes another can’t-stop-watching underage party girl trainwreck. This will be a fun one to watch.

Foiled yet again! Justin Timberlake NOT releasing new album

Instead of making music, Justin is playing pretend in Ken wigs in his backyard. Or something. Image via justjared.com

Just like the sands of time, rumors of a new Justin Timberlake album have resurfaced into our lives. And, just like disappointing fellatio, JT takes any hope of musical cunnilingus out of our dry, tired hands.

Come on, JT. Give the people what they want. Cornrows, amazing costumes and Timbaland-produced beats. With every passing year, the pressure and excitement grows. Which is probably annoying for him, and definitely excruciating for us. It’s like a boner that won’t ever stop, and won’t ever see a beautiful, majestic release.

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JT. Do it for all the boners in America. We are dying.