The Voice is a bullshit vehicle for stars with dead careers

Posted on by 20poorandfabulous
image from an episode of 30 Rock
Image via an episode of 30 Rock

I do not watch shows like The Voice or American Idol. I think they are lame. I’m all for entertainment and shit, capitalism is whatever, but the false hope that these shows instill in the thousands of forgettable people who are featured season after season makes me sick.

It’s true that SOME people have come out of singing competitions like American Idol with a successful singing career. Kelly Clarkson had a good run. That bald guy from American Idol is doing okay I guess. Clay Aiken was on an episode of 30 Rock once. Out of the 13 seasons of American Idol, Carrie Underwood is by far the most successful. But that’s 13 seasons and only 4 people that are only kinda-maybe culturally relevant today.

As for “The Voice”, I can’t even tell you one person who has had mainstream success. That’s because it’s a pretty transparent vehicle to launch the stagnant careers of its already famous, millionaire coaches.

Exhibit A: Gwen Stefani’s new single “Baby Don’t Lie”

As you may or may not know, Gwen Stefani is a coach on the current season of “The Voice.” Which is weird, right? Because she hasn’t been relevant in the music industry since her solo albums in the mid 2000s. Sure, No Doubt tried to come back in 2012 with their album “Push and Shove” but it didn’t really land anywhere mainstream.

But wait! Today (October 27) she just released a new solo single called “Baby Don’t Lie,” while she is currently serving as a coach on “The Voice.” What a coincidence. Where does she find the time?! I mean, when’s a better time to try and restart your music career than when you’ve been hired to “coach” a “singing competition” on network television?

Exhibit B: Rotating judges on “The Voice” and subsequent releases

Christina Aguilera? Dead career. Usher? Pretty sure dead career, but maybe I’m just not aware of his phantom hits somewhere. Cee Lo Green? “Fuck You” was cool 4 years ago. Shakira? Released a song with Rihanna called “Can’t Remember to Forget You” in between her season 4 and season 6 coaching duties.

Don’t even get me started on Maroon 5. (PLZ for the love of god stop howling at the moon on the radio) I don’t even know what a Blake Shelton is so I won’t go there.

In addition to using the show to promote their own music careers, the fact that the coaches actually perform on “The Voice” chaps me to the core of my chapable human parts. It’s not about you, famous people. JESUS. 

Take this video, for example, of Gwen Stefani performing her biggest solo hit ever “Hollaback Girl” on “The Voice.” I love Gwen Stefani, really. But she is not a singer that I would regard as being able to give anyone a whole lot of singing tips. Especially when the song she chooses to perform on the singing competition show is one where she is talk-singing over backing vocals. Which is totally fine, I ain’t no vocal performance snob. But it’s a singing competition show. The point of it is singing well, not getting by with what ya got. That’s called real life.

Exhibit C: The music industry has been wearing sweatpants in its mom’s basement for over a decade

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Look, we all know the music industry struggles everyday to make money. Small artists definitely struggle, and big artists struggle to make millions off of their music, not including the 7 perfumes they launched this year and a fucking clothing line at Kmart.

Blame it on Napster, blame it on people not respecting time-based art, blame it on the rain. Probably blame it on MTV somehow too.

Let’s not be idealistic idiots. Money is fun. These coaching gigs pay a fuckton of money, so I understand why someone would want to be a coach on a huge show like “The Voice.” They not only get a sick paycheck but they also get to promote their brand. Neat. But taking advantage of these idiot nobody singers (I say with love!) trying to make it big in a show that will never make them big is fucking rude.

Let’s get real: most of these nobody singers are not going to have a singing career after their stints on “The Voice.” They are used as props to fuel viewer engagement and promote the artists telling them they’re “great” and they “love what ur doing” and “ur gonna b a star.” As sickly entertaining as it is to watch people’s dreams get crushed on shows like these, can’t we find another way to promote music on primetime TV that doesn’t involve monetizing false hope in the hearts of starving singers?

COMMENT BELOW and tell me what you think.

Britney Spears rocks and a rant about Ashlee Simpson

Posted on by 20poorandfabulous

Here is a comp I found on Youtube that was suggested after watching “ashlee simpson singing live” videos.

BRITNEY ROCKS 4 EVER.

I happened upon this marvelous B Spears vid after torturing myself by watching a ton of Ashlee Simpson live performance videos. Because, you know, I wanted to remind myself that I once loved Ashlee Simpson, drove an hour and a half to meet her AND got her autograph. To this day it remains my darkest pop culture hour.

But for real. Ashlee Simpson. Could America could have crafted a less compelling performer? Like, to start, bitch doesn’t even have good style. She was like a watered down pop version of a pretty attractive, “i like 2 ware black n dark green cuz its edgy and my sister is a pretty blonde singar so i gotta stand out sum how,” pretending to be emo because of market trends, dad hooks up everything cuz he’s a closet gay minister and gays have weird powers, hot topic loving kind of gal, which is probably just the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever seen in my life. She must be just the most vapid and undeserved person in Hollywood, because everything was without a doubt handed to her. There’s one thing to be a pop star who follows the trends and gives the audience what they want to hear and see. It’s another to expect that your audience will follow your weird, manufactured “punk” persona and shitty music because of your formerly B+ famous family. People posing as punks are so fucking lame, because it’s not even that hard to be a punk. That’s how dumb her career was.

 The only thing she really ever earned was all the times she got booed for being a shitty performer. She also married Pete Wentz, who is kind of annoying on Twitter so you can only imagine how annoying they must have been IRL together. *shudders*

You can even see her “A” for Ashlee in an anarchy symbol. Hahahahahaah WUT?! Nobody performing at a televised half time show for a football game is an anarchist. Take a shit on stage at a televised half time show screaming “WE ARE ALL SHIT” while setting a football player on fire and you’ve got yourself a genuine moment of anarchy brought to you by MTV. She wasn’t even trying!

What a horrible pock on the last decade in American pop culture. Music industry Gods willing this lady never puts out another single, EVER.

SORRY ASHLEE.

ashlee simpson
DAT EDGE

Gross: Demi Lovato sells cars now

Posted on by 20poorandfabulous

Demi Lovato, Car Saleswoman

EW. WHAT? Excuse me? Demi, are the first lyrics to your new song “Made in the USA” (PUKE TITLE) Our love runs deep like a Chevy? And is your chorus really cuz our love was made in the USA? Jesus. Nice try on the “Party in the USA” rip off, but no. Just… no.

Image via broadwayworld.com
She’s so edgy. Image via broadwayworld.com

How much do you think Chevy paid to have Demi Lovato, singer, actress, judge on The X Factor, to put a line referencing Chevy’s slogan in her song pukingly titled “Made in the USA”? Probably a lot. Oh, did I mention yet that Chevy is also the official car sponsor of The X Factor where Miss Lovato just happens to be a judge? Interesting! Transparent. And disgusting.

It’s like the mainstream music industry isn’t even trying to creatively cross promote anymore. Sure, Britney Spears made a couple of songs for Pepsi (and this AMAZING commercial that is my favorite commercial of all time), but she NEVER had a line in one of her albums about how good Pepsi is. It’s one thing to endorse a company and their product, but it’s another to bring it into your art or music and still call it art. It’s not art honey, it’s an ad. You make ads now.

Mental illness marketing is IN

The other thing that pisses me off about Demi Lovato is that she used/currently uses her mental illness(es) as a marketing tool. Come one, come all, o dearly afflicted teens! GROSS.

On one hand, she IS bringing awareness about mental illness into the homes of middle America. On the other, it seems a bit exploitative and confusing to talk about mental illness so much, and then release songs like this empty crap that have nothing to do with anything besides bringing brand awareness to said afflicted teens. Sort of like, Hey guys! I’m bipolar and depressed too. It really sucks, but you should check out this new 2014 Chevy. They are cool now. Skip the therapist to go for a test drive, cuz this shit runs DEEP. 

She's totally upset about the growing wealth disparity, you guys. Image via depotpicture.com
She’s totally upset about the growing wealth disparity, you guys. Image via depotpicture.com

Demi Lovato is the epitome of an uneducated, blank industry pawn. It’s not like she’s the first one ever, but she’s definitely the most obvious this year. It hurts me to know that these young stars, Miley, Justin, Selena, T-Swift, don’t have college educations, because I think a lot of them would be woken up to just how shitty of an influence they are on the world. It pains me to think about what’s going through their heads when they think of the world, life, entertainment, capitalism, commercialism, sexuality etc. *Shivers*

All in all, Lovato’s career is kinda doomed. She’s not ever going to be taken seriously as an ‘artist’ because of shit like this. There’s not really any coming back from corporate shillings. Cuz honestly, what’s next? A song about using Veet on your vag because boys think pubic hair is icky? “I love to Veet my vagina/it makes all the boys say ‘Hey Demetria!'” Wait that’s pretty good, actually.

I pray for my country.

Check out the new No Doubt video!!!!

Posted on by 20poorandfabulous
Look at that fucking skin. Awesome. Image via ryanseacrest.com

I am so excited to watch No Doubt back in action again. Strangely, it feels different and foreign to see a woman jumping around like a rock star in a music video, instead of shooting guns or spraying cream from her tits. Popular music is so full of ladies and mens trying to one up each other in crazy outfits and even crazier gossip. Gaga’s blood and semen perfume and everything she has ever worn, Katy Perry’s fantasy divorce, marriage and candy themed life, Nikki Minaj with her butt implants and multiple personalities, even Frank Ocean coming out as bi right before his debut album dropped (most definitely commendable in the hip hop scene, but also great publicity); it all gets a little exhausting to keep up with after a while. (Damn you 24 hour news cycle!)

I need a nap. Image via extraordinaryintelligence.com

Gwen and the ND boys are a refreshing departure from everyone on the radio right now, not only musically but fashionably as well. Gwen isn’t showing us her crack or tits or wearing anything too crazy. I love her tank tops and her hair back and her pants and FLATS, because could you ever imagine Lady Gaga, Katy Perry or Nikki Minaj stepping outside, let alone in a music video, without some RIDICULOUS AS FUCK outfit on? Don’t get me wrong- the crazy outfits are fun. But when everyone in the industry is doing it to constantly one up each other, is it really unique anymore?

Check out the vid below. Welcome back guys!!!!

Katy Perry re-releasing double platinum album… why???

Posted on by 20poorandfabulous
Did she make this cover herself?! Photo via katyperry.com

Ugh. Nice one, music industry. As if the original album didn’t make enough money, Katy Perry and her money hungry friends are “re-releasing” her double-platinum album Teenage Dream. This is exactly like “re-releasing” Beauty and the Beast in 3-D, so some execs somewhere can make a shit ton of money off of them. Neat!

SHE WANTS YOUR MONEY. Russell Brand isn't taking any of it in the divorce settlement, so she wants more more more with a re-release. Goody! Photo via thedocreport.tumblr.com
SHE WANTS YOUR MONEY. Russell Brand isn't taking any of it in the divorce settlement, so she wants more more more with a re-release. Goody! Photo via thedocreport.tumblr.com

I like Katy Perry. I do. T.G.I.F. is mah jam in the car. But this deluxe edition with only 3 extra songs is weird, especially in the day and age of digital downloads. Who needs two copies of the same songs? Really! There will be three extra songs on the “deluxe” version: “E.T.” featuring Kanye West (which is a total rip off of T.A.T.U.’s “All The Things She Said“), an acoustic version of “The One That Got Away” (or, the song she needs to be number one to beat Michael Jackson’s record) and “T.G.I.F. (Last Friday Night) featuring Missy Eliot (ok, I’d pay the 99 cents for this one).

Exactly. Photo via sodahead.com

We all know the music industry is soooo bleak. Adele practically owned 2011 with her album 21, to which nobody could compete against. But really, I don’t know anyone who is that big of a Katy Perry fan to buy practically the same album twice, when you could just buy the 1 song with Missy Eliot (where’ve you been girl!?) that hasn’t been released yet, for 99 cents. I mean, especially for us poor-ish 20 somethings, buying the one song vs copies of the other songs we already have just makes sense.

This is one of those times where the music industry sadly and shockingly hasn’t quite caught up with the times, because nobody buys CDs. And if we do take our time to go to the store and physically buy the CD, it’s for our soul-mate favorite musical artist, not copies of a Katy Perry CD.