Being Famous: Drake is channeling pop stars

Image via degrassi.wikia.com

What Would Jimmy Do? (He’d be a famewhore)

Drake and Chris Brown FightFightFight!

I’ve never heard a Drake song that I didn’t like. He’s got style, cool lyrics, great producers and Rihanna.  And come on, he used to be Jimmy from Degrassi: The Next Generation (the best thing to ever come from Canada btw). So why did he throw a bottle at Chris Brown causing everything from cuts, a shut down club and a 20 million dollar lawsuit from Tony Parker? (Can somebody make a tumblr of people pretending to be cut from this fight?)

The details are messy, but rumors have it that CB sent D a bottle of something amazing I’m sure, and then Drake sent him a note across the cafeteria that said “I’m fucking the love of your life.” Then they got into a fight over Rihanna. That’s when the bottles smashing really took off. It’s rumored that Drake’s side threw the bottle(s).

The bottle party! Image via thejasminebrand.com

For some reason, it seems really strange that Drake would get into this sort of trouble. Throwing a bottle in a club? Really? You played a handicapped kid on a popular Canadian teen show. He a Jewish Canadian African American who grew up in a wealthy neighborhood, attended a Jewish day school and had a bar mitzvah. I’m quite sure they didn’t teach throwing bottles and getting into fights with pop performers at the Jewish day school. 

But no worries, because Drake has learned a valuable lesson in Being Famous. With our 24 hour news cycle and twitter on EVERY phone imaginable, everything is always news, and people luuuuuuv to talk. Furthermore, you’ve got to really do something crazy to stay in the media for weeks. You can’t just wear a revealing outfit these days. That’s like half a day news. You need to murder a homeless man a week before your new album comes out, just to break even. The more people are hearing about you, the more they know your name, the more they listen the more they buy. You’ve just really gotta do outrageous shit to stay relevant in 2012.

Just take a look at past Being Famous participants:

Image via thejasminebrand.com

Well played, Drake. You are wisely following in some great big footsteps, my friend.

PLUS, getting into a fight with America’s least favorite person doesn’t immediately make people dislike him, because everyone has secretly been wishing for someone to kick the shit out of Chris Brown ever since he hit Rihanna. Don’t lie! The only negative is all the bystanders who got cut up. So it’s like win-win-ish.

I can’t wait to see what he does next. Will it be nude photos accidentally tweeted? Maybe it will be a weapons charge. OR he’ll get married to a stripper in vegas, then an annulment. The ridiculousness can only get better from here on out. Welcome, Drake.

Forever Young: Alex Mack

Image via imcdb.org

The Secret World of Alex Mack. In yo face.

What I wouldn’t give for a dump truck filled with nuclear waste to almost run me over and spill toxic chemicals all over my body that give me special powers. Nuts.

Remember how creative tv was in the 90s? Yeah. We should get back to that.

Also, remember how hot it was when she morphed into goo and all her clothes came off, but Ray, her bff would never look, but you know he really wanted to?

I can’t remember if they ever did, but I REALLY wanted her and Ray to fall in love. Fuck Disney for that one. Friends can happen across sexes. GENDER IS A CONSTRUCT. So is caffeine!

Gross: Avril Lavigne and her new-ish video

Oh god. Oh me oh my. This exists. You don’t have to watch it unless you don’t care about the next 3 minutes of your life. I don’t hate her personally or wish her ill, but professionally what the hell is she doing?! Who is her fan base? It’s another Pink situation. They’re huge but nobody you know listens to them. It’s like they are pop stars of an alternate universe that you will never enter because DUH Britney, Madonna and Gaga are the holy trifecta of ours.

Also, Lavigne shaved her head in a skrillex type cut. WHOA. SOMEONE’S EDGY OVER HERE. REALLY, REALLY EDGY. DAMN.

And really, what is the point of that music video. She lights a flower on fire in a creepy warehouse (girl, only people on heroin/meth/rusty nail fetishes stay in places like that. And you date Brody Jenner. Come on. You’re happy. Stop this weird non-edgy edgy shit. For ALL of us.

I miss the Sk8er Boi days. Sigh!

WHOA. EDGY. REALLY REALLY EDGY. Image via huffingtonpost.com

Celebrité: So Lady Gaga has a perfume now

Image via Facebook

Lady Gaga’s got a p-p-perfume

With the 24 hour news cycle and not really giving a shit, I totally forgot that Lady Gaga was making a perfume. I’m not sure she ever confirmed it or even commented on the rumor going around that it was going to smell like semen and blood. What a weird rumor to start. Seriously. Who the fuck thinks about spraying blood and semen on themselves, and then pushes the idea on a tad bit left of center pop star’s perfume idea? I bet it was someone in Hollywood who is balding and hates their life, and probably has an egg mcmuffin twice a week. Pathetic.

Image via crushable.com

From first look, I’m not totally appalled at the packaging. The box looks nice in its black and gold coloring. The lid for some reason makes me think of Lady Gaga’s hair and how nutty and over the top it can be. Like a fancier version of the hair bow she used to wear back in her heydey as a rising star. I can almost see a pair of sunglasses peeking out from under the gold top. The black liquid looks pretty cool, except why the fuck is it black? Is that shit gonna stain? Probably not, that would be a pretty awful design flaw.

I will say this: I hope it doesn’t smell like vanilla like every other god damn celebrity perfume. Justin Bieber, Beyonce, J.Lo, Britney, Paris, Selena Gomez, Katy Perry and every one else. Vanilla. I guess if Gaga’s smelled like semen and blood it would at least be thinking outside of the box. Kim Kardashian has one, right? Does it smell like a business pyramid scheme and self-absorbed pee fetishes? I wish. Then I would TOTALLY buy it. Ke$ha’s will probably smell like that too, but with a little more essence of beard and whiskey-sweat tour bus balls.

Also, I guess you ain’t shit unless you have a perfume. Noted.

Image via Facebook

Netflix nightcap: The Sarah Silverman Program

Image via Netflix

The Sarah Silverman Program

I think the Sarah Silverman Program is one of the funniest shows on Netflix Instant. Sarah plays a warped version of herself who is unemployed and highly childlike, self-obsessed and irresponsible. Sarah gets into ridiculous situations. Getting people fired, having sex with God and then not calling him back, and convincing the homophobic parents of her gay friend to take LSD to learn how to be accepting. These situations are completely insane and absolutely fun.

She also writes original songs in nearly all the episodes that will make you cry. There’s a Lisa Loeb cover that leads her to touring the country with her previously thought-to-be-deceased father in a group called “The Loeb Trotters”, penises aren’t father figures and an ode to poop. Take a look at some of the lyrics:

This is a Poop Song

It was brown and it had raisins
And we flushed it for those reasons

This is a poop song…
This is a poop song.

I was walking to the mall
And I had to make a poop

This is a poop song…
This is a poop song.

We pooped at the mall today
We pooped at the mall…

The Porn Song

there’s a dream in your head
that will never come true,
there’s a stickiness all over
and it didn’t come from you.
you wish your dad had been there
but more oftentimes he was not,
you can’t put your arms around
a dirty gang-bang cum shot,
but that’s all you et.
that’s all you get.”

do you ever take drugs
so that you can have sex
without crying?…yeah yeah

there’s a hole in your heart
where the sorrow pours out.
there’s a hole in your heart
where ambivalence sets in….

all the penises in the country
all the penises in the world
all the penises in the galaxy
won’t fill your heart hole….

Genius. Pure genius. You have to check out this show. It’s the right amount of ridiculous everyone could use, especially during election year. She’s hot, it’s funny, and there is a crazy big Tom Selleck mustache in every episode. What more could you ever ask for?

Hilarious and supa fine. Image via israel-lightontonations.blogspot.com

Celebrité: Taylor Swift hurt John Mayer’s feelings

John Mayer and Taylor Swift: A match made in tabloid heaven

I mean, shit. Yes, John Mayer had a couple of wild years there, but haven’t we all? John Mayer, in an interview with Rolling Stone, said he was “humiliated” by Taylor Swift’s song “Dear John”. Take a look at the lyrics:

“Dear John, I see it all, now it was wrong / Don’t you think 19 is too young to be played by your dark twisted games, when I loved you so?”

Mayer then goes on to say he didn’t know she was heartbroken or anything. Speculation about their time together aside, it’s pretty rude as a widely successful artist to write songs that are so thinly veiled about your celebrity dates. Why would anyone take a chance on dating her? If things went sour, she’d probably write a song called “Fuck You Dick Sucker: An Ode to My Ex” because he didn’t text her back right away.

“Yeah, Imma fucking cut you if you don’t hand me that bread. NOW.” Image via cassyfiano.com

Taylor Swift is the classic case of “I was bullied in high school, I’m a victim” who has now turned into the self righteous bully-victim. She gets hurt by a guy (ps everyone gets hurt in relationships, lady), plays victim, i.e. never at fault and writes a song trashing him. She’s done it to Joe Jonas AND took a stab at alleged boyfriend-stealer Camilla Belle in that one.( Slut shaming, nice move Taylor Swift! Female solidarity, right?) Taylor Lautner, John Mayer, and who the fuck else knows because I don’t follow her music.

I’ve never been a fan of Taylor Swift. I can appreciate her talent, but there’s something about her personality that is like broken glass in your mouth. At first it was kinda neat that she talked so much shit about her boyfriends, like a “fuck yeah, ex boyfriends suck!” type of deal. We can all get behind that. But after a while it became her ‘thing’. Trashing people after they’ve broken up with you over and over and over… yikes. Sounds like she needs some yoga and deep breathing somewhere in India for a while and a little growing up to do.

John Mayer Calls Out Taylor Swift For Humiliating Him In Dear John – Music, Celebrity, Artist News | MTV.com.

Watch this now: Summer House

Image via verymarykate.com

WATCH THIS VIDEO if you’re into a fictional Mary Kate Olsen getting lost in a mansion and putting her survival skills from childhood movies to the test. Rich people are CRAY.

Celebrité: Female celebrities with beards

 

Katy Perry looks like a really fun man. The kind that will buy all kinds of red bull shot/drinks and dance on the floor with you to pop music for hours.

Female celebs with beards is oddly funny : theCHIVE.

Music: Brite Futures aka Natalie Portman’s Shaved Head break up!!!

Image via blogs.philadelphiaweekly.com

WHAAAA!!!! I’m so sad to read that one of my favorite electronic/pop bands, Natalie Portman’s Shaved Head, aka NPSH and also Brite Futures is disbanding. (NPSH was the original name, they changed it to Brite Futures after Natalie Portman was allegedly annoyed. Vegans are the worst!)

I first saw NPSH when they opened for Lily Allen at First Ave. in Minneapolis. They had to play in front of this white sheet that was hung up as part of Lily’s act. They had a small portion of the stage, with all their instruments crowding the area. At the time, there were 5 of them in the band, pictured above.

Opening for Lily Allen on 4/11/2009. Photo by Brianna Kolb

As it goes with many opening acts, you kind of just want them to get their shit done and leave so you can see who you bought the ticket for. But this was different. They were young, poppy, energetic and with some seriously fun, dancey songs. It’s not often a band can make you dance and fall in love with them upon first listen. I’ve forgotten more opening acts than I can remember. NPSH was definitely the best fresh opener I’ve ever seen in my entire show-going experience. (The Pussycat Dolls opening for Britney? Uh, hell nah!)

I am sad, but understanding that one of my most beloved bands, NPSH (I never call the Brite Futures, it just feels wrong) is breaking up. They formed in high school, never got a really solid radio hit even though they totally deserved it with their weird electronic dance pop.

Here’s what they had to say on their Facebook page:

Friends, BFFs, everyone,

It is with many bittersweet feelings that we announce that as of next month* Brite Futures will cease to be an active band, and we will no longer be creating or playing music together. After almost seven years as a band (more than a quarter of our lives) we’ve unanimously reached the decision that it’s time to move on to other adventures—the irony of which, for a band with our name, is not lost on us. This separation is not due to a falling out or any ill feelings between us personally, but with the band’s momentum dying down and other aspirations beckoning, we’ve begun to look toward the next stage in our lives. And that’s exciting at the same time as it’s sad to leave behind a pursuit that saw us grow up together, from awkward high school spazzes singing about our first beards to more confident young adults.

For a project that started on a whim as an “acapella electronic band” at a high school lunch table that was never meant to leave our parents’ basements or a few friends’ iPods, we’ve experienced more in our time together than we could have ever dreamt. Of the band posters lining our bedroom walls that we gazed at daily while growing up, we’ve had the privilege of touring or performing alongside six of those pictured (Lily Allen, Weezer, CSS, The Go-Team, The Ting Tings, and The Faint). We’ve also been signed to a major record label, had music and a video in a major motion picture, and played shows across the country and internationally. Our high-school-sophomore-selves probably wouldn’t believe it if we told them now. Just the fact that people all around the world have listened to the music we created almost entirely out of a small bedroom in Seattle is mind-blowing, and we’ll be forever grateful. I think we can be proud too.

SADSIES! Read the rest of their farewell letter over at their Facebook page. RIP my beautiful NPSH. I will forever jam to your songs in my car, at the gym, and on sunny days laying outside. Love you guys, and can’t wait to hear any of your next projects!

Listen to these songs and fall in love with a dead band:

LA Noir (The breakdown in this song gets me every time, it’s fucking fantastic)

Iceage Babeland

Beard Lust (I listened to this song for two weeks straight in May 2009)

Alert the Pope: Rihanna unfollows Chris Brown on Twitter

Image via tmz.com

It’s exactly how it sounds. Rihanna has FINALLY come to her senses and unfollowed Chris Brown. Holy shit, breaking news. (so sad that our entertainment industry is so spotty that celebrity drama is like it’s own, real life show told through gossip bloggers in LA and magazines)

Thank you, Pope, for asking God for this miracle. We really owe you one. Image via polishamericancenter.org

After Chris Brown released a version of Kanye’s “Theraflu” in which he freestyles “Don’t f*ck with my old bitches / like a bad fur / every industry n*gga done had her.” WTF. Rihanna suspects it’s about her, because why wouldn’t it be she’s fuckingRihanna. Chris Brown is like the lowest life form imaginable. He beats the shit out of her, she forgives him and they remix songs together (and maybe some sex) and then she probably got bored and left him for good, spawning a tasteless verse in a remix of a Kanye song.

Is that gonna be a recurring plot? Like once a year someone gets salty at an ex in a remixed version of anything Kanye. Katy Perry would be first in line I bet.

Rihanna is becoming quite the leading lady in the tabloids. Unfollowing Chris Brown on Twitter is like the reality show star announcing a pregnancy. Those raggy mags are soaking up ALL the social media drama! What modern times!

Check it: Rihanna Unfollows Chris Brown on Twitter — You Finally Crossed the Line | TMZ.com.