Forever Young: Rider Strong

Image via fullecirclestuff.blogspot.com

What a guy! Cory’s best friend, leather-wearing gentle badass and CRAZY good hair.

Like all the hot hotties from our 90s hearthrob past (JTT or Devon Sawa anyone?), I had no idea what this dude is doing with his life, until wikipedia solves all your problems. He has a degree in English from Colombia and a Masters of Fine Arts. Smart dudes are hot, especially if they are actually hot. He also has a podcast called “Literary Disco” which sounds like a snoozefest but maybe his voice is still hot. He directs, produces, acts and writes screenplays too.

What a pretty normal child star’s adult life. Good for him. He must have good parents.

Thanks Rider Strong, for introducing us to porn names (his name is SO porny), for teaching us that there can never be enough leather if you want to be a badass, and great smiles.

Forever Young: Alex Mack

Image via imcdb.org

The Secret World of Alex Mack. In yo face.

What I wouldn’t give for a dump truck filled with nuclear waste to almost run me over and spill toxic chemicals all over my body that give me special powers. Nuts.

Remember how creative tv was in the 90s? Yeah. We should get back to that.

Also, remember how hot it was when she morphed into goo and all her clothes came off, but Ray, her bff would never look, but you know he really wanted to?

I can’t remember if they ever did, but I REALLY wanted her and Ray to fall in love. Fuck Disney for that one. Friends can happen across sexes. GENDER IS A CONSTRUCT. So is caffeine!

Television: “Bored to Death” movie?

 

Um, YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE. We could all use some more Jonathan Ames & co. You can never have enough Ted Danson/Zach Galifianakis sidekick action. NEVER!!!!! Plus, the love between these three male friends is such a unique take on male friendships in general. It really shows that dudes aren’t just obsessed with pussy or trying to fight some ugly dudes over chicks that don’t care 24/7. Unlike Entourage, ew. Those guys are grade A beef farts.

Bored to Death Could Continue as HBO TV Movie – Hollywood Reporter.

Netflix nightcap: The Sarah Silverman Program

Image via Netflix

The Sarah Silverman Program

I think the Sarah Silverman Program is one of the funniest shows on Netflix Instant. Sarah plays a warped version of herself who is unemployed and highly childlike, self-obsessed and irresponsible. Sarah gets into ridiculous situations. Getting people fired, having sex with God and then not calling him back, and convincing the homophobic parents of her gay friend to take LSD to learn how to be accepting. These situations are completely insane and absolutely fun.

She also writes original songs in nearly all the episodes that will make you cry. There’s a Lisa Loeb cover that leads her to touring the country with her previously thought-to-be-deceased father in a group called “The Loeb Trotters”, penises aren’t father figures and an ode to poop. Take a look at some of the lyrics:

This is a Poop Song

It was brown and it had raisins
And we flushed it for those reasons

This is a poop song…
This is a poop song.

I was walking to the mall
And I had to make a poop

This is a poop song…
This is a poop song.

We pooped at the mall today
We pooped at the mall…

The Porn Song

there’s a dream in your head
that will never come true,
there’s a stickiness all over
and it didn’t come from you.
you wish your dad had been there
but more oftentimes he was not,
you can’t put your arms around
a dirty gang-bang cum shot,
but that’s all you et.
that’s all you get.”

do you ever take drugs
so that you can have sex
without crying?…yeah yeah

there’s a hole in your heart
where the sorrow pours out.
there’s a hole in your heart
where ambivalence sets in….

all the penises in the country
all the penises in the world
all the penises in the galaxy
won’t fill your heart hole….

Genius. Pure genius. You have to check out this show. It’s the right amount of ridiculous everyone could use, especially during election year. She’s hot, it’s funny, and there is a crazy big Tom Selleck mustache in every episode. What more could you ever ask for?

Hilarious and supa fine. Image via israel-lightontonations.blogspot.com

Television: Ok, is this seriously a show? Bunheads. It’s called Bunheads.

Screengrab from thesuperficial.com

Bunheads. Is. The. Name. Of. This. Show.

Are you kidding me. OBVIOUSLY this is a summer schedule show on ABC Family, and it is called BunheadsIf I wasn’t gagging at the sight of “ABC Family” already, I’d definitely be gagging at this entire premise.

Lemme guess every single plot line:

  • Boyfriend trouble because practice is so tough and grueling. Also, boyfriend is a huge piece of shit.
  •  Grades are slipping because practice is so hard
  •  Pressure from mom and dad to get into a good school but practice is hard it’s eating up all the time
  •  Anorexia/bulimia problems cuz bunheads gotsta be skinny
  • Some kind of drug/alcohol overly dramatic related arc that makes people who drink alcohol look like Satan
  •  Aaand a rivalry between two girls (or a group) to better reinforce for the generations to come that nobody can get along, and women should be pitted against each other for all eternity until the gates of hell explode and ruin all of our silk things.
Here are a couple better show premises for Bunheads that would be 10 times better:
  • Princess Leia fanatics who have strange addictions
  • Chronicling the life and times of Jimmy Bunhead, an existentialist living in his parents’ basement
  • A reality show about Cinnabon workers and their sad, pathetic day-to-day in store and dealing with “charming” regular Cinnabon clientele
  • People who literally sit in front of the screen for 17 minutes with sticky buns taped to their heads and sing “The Cupid Shuffle”, the worst song in the entire world

Hollywood is snorting bath salts. That’s the only explanation for this. Fuck Florida, the zombie apocalypse is coming straight from LA.