Justin Timberlake’s ragtime “Sexyback” is fucking great

2690069-justin-timberlake-2013-suite-tie-617-409 JUSTIN TIMBERWEEK ON JIMMY FALLON RAGTIME “SEXYBACK”

Justin Timberlake is such a great performer. Everyone likes him so much. I’m just so proud of him for getting out of the rut it is to be in a defunct boy band. I mean, look at all the other boy bands of his era and before. Justin is the only really successful one with music, seeing as JC Chasez, with his holy-shit VOICE, kinda fucked his career over by writing/choosing terrible fucking songs.

I don’t even know what the fuck the boys of 98 Degrees are up to, and who cares. Nick Lachey just recorded some lullabys bc he had a kid with former MTV VJ Vanessa Manilo (who are his adult fans lol?! Seems like a decent chap but blegh, boring). And no one in the Backstreet Boys had any kind of a majorly successful solo career seeing as they are on tour with NKOTB and maybe some other people. THAT IS 10 MEN WHO SING. What a weird backstage probably.

Anyways, JT is awesome. I love his artistic self-worth (not putting out an album just because he could) and his dedication to performing, whether it’s on a stage singing or in his movie career. He’s a true performer and artist who is dedicated to authenticity, which is something you don’t see as much on the mainstream stage. Maybe his dedication to authentic music stems from his teens and early twenties in a boy band where everything was chosen for him by a bunch of gross, overweight suits in a tall, scary building somewhere.

JT, WE LOVE YOU. I can’t wait to see the rest of his Justin Timberweek performances on Jimmy Fallon. I’m holding out for “Like I Love You” cuz I really want him to do the dance from it. And bring back the stage from his first solo MTV performance in 2002. EEEEEP!! 2013 is so ballin’. It’s like 2003 all over again.

Celebrité: Is Britney channeling ‘Blackout Britney’ with her new look?

Image via dailymail.co.uk
Image via dailymail.co.uk

Like any good Britney fan, I was worried when I read this morning that she had dyed her hair brown. If anyone remembers 2006/2007 correctly, you’ll know that brit brit dyed her hair dark brown circa the recording of “Blackout” (best B album ever) and set off her very public mental breakdown surrounded by episodes of umbrella bashing, a shaved head, and a couple of trips to rehab. It still almost brings a tear to my eye.

To my great relief, this time around it doesn’t seem like B has dyed her hair brown as any kind of mental health statement. It’s a good color for her skin tone, her dress is really great actually, and there appears to be life in her eyes. This is awesome. Yay Britney!

She is also busy-ish working on what she calls “Blackout 2.0”. Maybe she’s channeling her past insanity/genius to make the best Britney album EVER. Here’s hoping!

Britney Spears’ “Gimme More”

May the lord bless her precious little heart. And her dancing!!!!

On the fence: Justin Bieber

Whoa. Image via fanpop.com
Whoa. Image via fanpop.com

Justin Bieber.

Yes, growing up in the spotlight is difficult. He was supposed to be the modern-day Canadian equivalent to the humble, funny and talented Justin Timberlake. However, in recent months, Bieber has shown us just how fussy and annying a super-famous-mega-star baby of 18 years old can really be. Let’s examine what’s going on in the Bieberverse. (Is that a thing? I hate myself for writing that)

The Evidence

He accepted an award for Favorite Pop/Male Artist at the 2012 American Music Awards and dedicated it to”all the haters” which is SO LAME. Come on dude. No. -2

His music is fun. Don’t lie to yourself! Beauty and a Beat is a hella jam (Max Martin produced, so obvi!) Plus, he directed the video which is a really fun and well directed video. +5

ugh, teens. Image via idolator.com
ugh, teens. Image via idolator.com

He met the Canadian Prime Minister in an outfit best described as farm-douche chic. It’s not like their should be some fascist regime when it comes to style and meeting any head of state. It’s just super annoying. Eye roll! -2

He got mad at James Franco (who gets mad at James Franco? WTF?) for making a parody video of his song “Boyfriend”. The parody vid wasn’t even rude or anything, it was hilarious. Not having a sense of humor about your boy-toy status in the pop music industry? Self-awareness goes a long in H-wood Biebs. Get some. -3

Usher likes him. That’s cool, I guess? 0

Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift probably talk SO much shit about him. It would be scary to have those two against you, especially T-Swift. +2

His back story is amazing. I never finished his documentary, but watching him drum as a little kid proves that he was born with a natural talent for music. And his mom got it on tape! +5

His instagram is ridiculous. Body shots, selfies and now buttcrack. He’s like your friend’s gross little brother who farts in his hand and then throws it at you. Why are you showing your fanbase, KIDS AND TEENS AND QUESTIONABLE ADULTS, your buttcrack? Mooning is so 1983. Over! -1

He took his Grammy snubs alright, saying that “It’ll happen one day”. His manager was pissed though, saying on Twitter that “I just plain DISAGREE. The kid deserved it. Grammy board u blew it on this one.” Just be happy you have a job, you jags!!! -1

The Score

3

This is all I know about Justin Bieber. I think his music is fun, but his personality could use some growing up. Granted, he is still a teen and there is much needed time and room to grow. If we all had cameras following us and listening to our stupid teen opinions, we’d look like shitheads too. But come on! someone get him a decent PR adviser! It’s BEYOND time for that.

Image via daydreamstars.blogspot.com
Image via daydreamstars.blogspot.com

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE RELEASING NEW MUSIC, HOPE RESTORED TO HUMANITY

I am brimming with emotions. Image via collider.com
I am brimming with emotions. Image via collider.com

HOLY FUCKING SHIT ON A MOTHERBOARD. I can’t believe this is real. I can barely type fast enough. I’m so sososososo excited!!!!

Watch his explanation video here of why it took him so long to release a new album. Short version- he cares so much about music and  he wanted to wait until the feeling was right about it to release something. It’s a lot more poignant and heartfelt in the video. And kudos to his team and friends for not leaking ANY of this to the press beforehand. When he tweeted this cryptic message last night:

Set an alarm bitches. Image via twitter
Set an alarm bitches. Image via twitter

that’s only when everyone started to heavily assume it was new music. But, after 6 years of hoping for a new album from one of our most beloved performers, we finally got the reprieve we have been waiting for all these years.

I have so many emotions on this Thursday morning. There is hope again in a once bleak and scary world. There is love where there once was nothing. There is an end in sight to the years of darkness that surrounded us all. Our Prince of Pop has returned. Welcome Back Sir. We’ve missed you more than can be conveyed in words or screams or ritual killings.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE IS MUTHAFUCKIN’ BACK. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU UNIVERSE.

Taylor Swift is single again, another day has its dawn

taylor swift
Single again! Oh joy. Image via newnownext.com

Just like the sands of time, Taylor Swift finds herself without an 18-year-old boy to hug at nigh-nigh time. Here are my thoughts:

A) Why is Taylor Swift dating 18-year-olds?

I can barely masturbate to anyone my age, let alone ACTUALLY DATE THEM. And seriously, an 18 year-old? What the fuck does he have going on besides having been world famous for a minute? Sure, he’s got that confusing, side-swept hair ‘n bang combo that makes tweens excited in a really uncomfortable way. And maybe he has some money now, but if my exact and unfaltering recollection of boy band money managements past are any indication, I know that young Harry probably doesn’t have THAT much cash floating around. There’s also charm, but homeless guys on the bus can also be charming so that’s null and void.

B) Why does she always have a boyfriend?

SLOW THE FUCK DOWN T SWIFT Image via graziadaily.co.uk
SLOW THE FUCK DOWN T SWIFT Image via graziadaily.co.uk

Girlfriend needs to take some HER TIME. Stop dating anyone who looks kinda cute and is kinda famous. There are plenty of kinda cute boys to ruin your day when you get older. There’s no need to rush it! Hasn’t she seen every episode of Sex and the City? Love and relationship anguish literally never ends unless you’re lobotomized or in a coma 4ever.

Maybe it’s super lonely being that famous. And sadly it kind of seems like she never had a lot of friends growing up either. But the reason I like being single so much is because I have AMAZING friends. Maybe she should work on forming strong and true friendships this year instead of jumping on every cute celebrity who says they like her Max Martin-produced songs.

C) This may be why she gets dumped a lot

Harry Styles was reported as saying that during their Carribean fight, T-Swift proclaimed “You’re lucky to even be with me.” Whoa, bitch. That is uncalled for. Definitely some ego that NEEDS to be checked. Don’t say that, not to anyone, ever! You are one human being who just happened to become famous by writing songs about failed high school relationships. So what, we’ve all written angsty poems about our high school loves gone wrong. You are successful, but you are not a god. Don’t say shit like that.

I’m not picking sides here and I really don’t even want to defend Harry Styles because I like Taylor Swift’s latest album, but what EXACTLY is lucky about being with Taylor Swift? That once the inevitable break up happens, she’s gonna totally shit on you in an amazing song? Or that everywhere you go, paparazzi are following the both of you? Or maybe it’s the stupid celebrity couple name that need to die in a sick a twisted death that haunts him in his dreams? Haylor. HAYLOR. HUG ME HAYLOR I’M RIGHT HERE BREATHING MOISTLY ON YOUR EYE LID. 

They were cute. RIP suckaz. Image via andpop.com
They were cute. RIP suckaz. Image via andpop.com

Taylor: please, slow down. Be by yourself. It can be beautiful. Being alone is not sad. It’s fucking awesome. Pizza rolls? Anytime baby. Take a look into what you REALLY want in a partner, and not into their celebrity status or what kind of song you’ll get out of holding hands with someone you think doesn’t deserve to be with you. That’s kinda insane, girl. Get it together!

James Franco is the best ever: makes a Justin Bieber video

 

What the fuck! This is awesome. I wanna hang out with this guy and just MAKE stuff. It wouldn’t even matter if it was just paper cutouts of snowflakes that we pasted Ashley Olsen/Michelle Tanner’s face on and called them “Snow Rudes” or something. Oh wait that’s the middle sister Stephanie’s line, right? Who cares.

Amazing: Honey Boo Boo’s uncle Lee Thompson aka Uncle Poodle on bullying

I think this family is going to make an impact on the average Joe of America. Think about it: they are not a glamorous representation of society a la RHOWhatever. They are self-described rednecks who live very average lives in the south, but have a tv show because they are charming and into pageantry. My thought is that any redneck/southerner/generally horrible person who is a homophobe but has a knack for reality TV on TLC (which is a little gay), might identify with these folks and become a more accepting, better part of society. We can only hope.

Honey Boo Boo God save the South.

Die Antwoord disses Lady Gaga in video for “Fatty Boom Boom”

Image via egotripland.com

You know, it’s always a good laugh when celebrities start a public fight. Because really, Die Antwoord using Lady Gaga’s image and likeness in their new music video for “Fatty Boom Boom” is generating way more buzz and attention around a video and a song that a lot of people probably didn’t care about before. Ahh, marketing! Little Monsters are probably watching it and simultaneously placing hexes on Die Antwoord from the upstairs bedrooms of their parents house. All in the name of views, statistics, and ad revenue.

Dems fighten words. Image via twitter.com

It is surprising that Lady Gaga’s ego got the best of her. No wait, it isn’t. The song for the vid isn’t even that good, and isn’t NEARLY as bangin’ as their first big US hit “I Fink U Freeky.” Yeah it sucks when people talk shit, but are you really gonna get upset about a zef jam group from South Africa who dress in black face/body at least once a week, that had surprising, probably temporary world success this year? Dayum. Ego-tastic.

Plus, way to pull an Eminem and talk shit about all the “popular, superficial sell outs”, while you’re using them to become more successful. What an original idea!

This feud is already boring.  NEXT!

Television: Nicki Minaj needs to cool it on American Idol

Image via inquisitr.com

We all know by now that these huge shows like American Idol, X Factor, Buttholes of Turd City, thrive on “Omg, backstage drama behind the scenes! Someone gets mad- and it’s NOT who you think! Next on E!” (FYI it’s always exactly who you think.) Nicki Minaj was recently recorded saying she was gonna seriously fuck some Mariah Carey shit up at a taping of American Idol. Bleh. In the iconic words of Stephanie Tanner, “how rude!”

Another manufactured feud! How delightful! Image via thatgrapejuice.net

Reason number 1 this entire thing was leaked to the press: to get press. If Nicki Minaj was seriously threatening to shoot Mariah Carey (the shooting comment wasn’t recorded, but Mariah told the press it happened so it must be a golden truth), like actually fire a gun at and hit her in the flesh to take her life a la gangsta rap circa 96, I don’t think it would be such a lassiez faire piece of midweek gossip.

Has pop culture gotten so accustomed to crazy fucking shit on television that we are now OK with pop stars threatening violence against each other? It doesn’t matter if it was just a ploy for press or if Minaj actually meant what she said. It just shouldn’t be acceptable to threaten to shoot somebody or beat them up, ESPECIALLY not at work, and be able to keep your job! Plus, with all the crazy shootings that happen in this country every couple of weeks, you’d think Hollywood would have a little social responsibility in not fueling gun violence and generally shitty fucking things. Oh, wait.

What’s next? Nicki Minaj guns some people down to a Eurotrash beat for a Pepsi commercial endorsed by Meth for Kids©? Pop culture is getting exciting.

Anyways, nobody at American Idol seems to be worried that there are gun threats floating around the judges panel at American Idol. Everyone’s just like “oh no, that’s crazy” in a total April from Parks and Rec voice. Because really? Another “feud between divas!!!” is so passé. Especially if they involve Mariah Carey, Christina Aguilera, or any other “diva” who would be feuding with an actual piece of human shit if it stole the spotlight from them.

Y’all ain’t no Britneys, and we can smell your famewhore, calculated intention a billion light years away. Cut the lame shit and find middle America someone to forget to see at Walmart concerts next summer.

This is cool: Honey Boo Boo “Everyone’s a little gay”

YES. ALL SORTS OF YES. These are the wisest words I’ve ever heard from a child. We ARE all a little gay. Way to go, young Honey Boo Boo. Tell all the bucktooth folk watching your show that we should accept something we all have in us. Shit, she’s so much better than any Republican social platform already. Which, by the by, here in Minnesota the conservative fuckholes of society decided this would be a great billboard to put up near a busy highway:

Image via minnpost.com

Um, WUT? 50 years ago, conservatives were beating up black people because they didn’t want them in their schools, using their drinking fountains, or sitting anywhere they liked on the bus! Are you fucking kidding me?! And now they’re trying to tell us that the formerly most unequal citizen of the United States is now supporting an issue that strives to block equal rights for another minority group? Good lord. Have mercy on the poor souls who don’t see the irony in this.

Moreso, I feel sad for people who will vote yes on the marriage amendment. It’s not even an argument, it’s just fucking rude. As a society, we should support stability and monogamous relationships as much as possible, not to mention the happiness of our fellow earthly brethren and sistren. That’s why imma vote:

Image via mnunited.org